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THE    PHYSIOLOGY 


OF 


NEW  YORK  BOARDING-HOUSES. 


THOMAS    BUTLER    GUNN 


WITH      ILLUSTRATIONS      ON      WOOD, 

DESIGNED  AND  DRAWN  BY 

THE  "TEIANGLE,"  A.  E.  WAUD,  AND  THE  AUTHOR, 
AND  ENGRAVED  BY  JOHN  ANDREW. 


"  Je  vais,  par  mon  pouvoir  diabolique,  enlever  les  toils  des  maisons ;  et  le  dedans,  va 
se  decouvrir  a  vos  yeux." 

LE  DIAISLE  BOITEUX. 

(I  am  about,  by  my  supernatural  powers,  to  take  away  the  roofs  from  the  houses,  and 
to  reveal  to  your  eyes  whatever  is  doin^  within  them,.)  , 


NEW    YORK: 
MASON      BROTHERS, 

103  &  110   DUANE    STREET. 

1857. 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1S57,  by 

MASON    BROTHERS, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office,  of  the  District  Court,  for  the  Southern  District  of 
New  York. 


ELECTHOTYPED    BY 
THOMAS    n.  SMITH, 

82  A  8t  Beekman-st,  N.  Y. 


PRINTED  BY 

C.     A.     ALVORD, 

15  Vandewater-st,  N.  Y. 


TO 

I  Inmatw  jrf  Itttopliteit 

ESPECIALLY    SINGLE    YOUNG    MEN, 
THIS     BOOK 

IS       RESPECTFULLY       DEDICATED 

$g  an  €*-memI)Er  of  ilj 


M161705 


PREFACE. 

i  HE  Bedouins — so  we  are  informed  by  Layard — 
set  any  member  of  a  tribe  who  is  unable  to  sleep 
to  watch  the  camels.  With  the  like  practical 
philosophy  the  Author  of  this  volume,  having 
had  considerable  experience  of  New  York  Board- 
ing-Houses,  resolved  to  devote  that  not-altogether-agreea 
bly-acquired  knowledge  to  the  formation  of  a  book. 

He  hopes  his  readers  will  approve  the  performance. 
He  thinks  some  of  them  may  recognize  more  or  less  par 
ticulars  as  the  counterpart  of  those  familiar  to  their  own 
personal  observation.  Perhaps  it  were  indicative  of  a  too 
sanguine  disposition  to  express  expectations  of  securing 
the  approbation  of  the  proprietors  and  proprietresses  of 
the  Establishments  treated  of.  He  trusts,  however,  they 
will  read  his  "  Physiology.'1  They  may  derive  profit 
from  it — if  not  pleasure. 

May  he  suggest  that  a  more  judicious  present  from  a 
Boarder  or  Boarders  to  a  Landlady  than  this  volume — 
especially  if  a  leaf  or  so  be  turned  down  in  appropriate 
places — could  scarcely  be  imagined  ? 


VI  PREFACE. 

And,  further,  may  he  here  record  his  very  sincere 
thanks  to  Messrs.  Frank  Bellew,  Alfred  R.  Waud,  and 
John  Andrew,  for  their  valuable  and  indispensable  as 
sistance  on  the  illustrations  ? 

T.  B.  G. 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER    I. 

PAGE 

INTRODUCTORY,  METROPOLITAN,  AND  ANTICIPATORY 11 

CHAPTER    II. 
OF  LOOKING  OUT  FOR  A  BOARDING-HOUSE 15 

CHAPTER    III. 
OF  BOARDING  WITH  A  PRIVATE  FAMILY 21 

CHAPTER    IV. 

THE  CHEAP  BOARDING-HOUSE  ON  A  LARGE  SCALE 31 

CHAPTER    V. 

THE    FASHIONABLE    BOARDING-HOUSE    WHERE    YOU   DON'T  GET 
ENOUGH  TO  EAT 40 

CHAPTER    VI. 
THE  DIRTY  BOARDING-HOUSE 49 

CHAPTER    VII. 
THE  HAND-TO-MOUTH  BOARDING-HOUSE 58 


Vlll  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER    VIII. 

PAGE 

THE  "  SERIOUS"  BOARDING-HOUSE 65 

CHAPTER    IX. 
THE  THEATRICAL  BOARDING-HOUSE 76 

CHAPTER    X. 

THE   BOARDING-HOUSE   WHEREIN   SPIRITUALISM   BECOMES    PRE 
DOMINANT  86 

CHAPTER    XI. 
THE  MEAN  BOARDING-HOUSE 92 

CHAPTER    XII. 

THE     BOARDING-HOUSE    WHERE     THERE    ARE    MARRIAGEABLE 
DAUGHTERS 103 

CHAPTER    XIII. 
THE  CHEAP  HOTEL  BOARDING-HOUSE Ill 

CHAPTER    XIV. 

THE  BOARDING-HOUSE  WHERE  THE  LANDLADY  DRINKS 117 

CHAPTER    XV. 

THE   BOARDING-HOUSE   WHOSE    LANDLADY   LIKES   TO   BE   ILL- 
USED 126 

CHAPTER    XVI. 

Or  A  TDP-TOP  BOARDING-HOUSE..  .  135 


CONTENTS.  IX 

CHAPTER    XVII. 

PAGE 

TlIE  BOARDING-HOUSE  WHERE  YOU  'RE  EXPECTED  TO  MAKE  LOVE 
TO  THE  LANDLADY 147 

CHAPTER    XVIII. 

OF  ANOTHER  MEAN  BOARDING-HOUSE 15G 

• 

CHAPTER    XIX. 
THE  FAMILY  HOTEL  ON  BROADWAY 165 

CHAPTER    XX. 
THE  ARTISTS'  BOARDING-HOUSE 173 

CHAPTER    XXI. 

THE  VEGETARIAN  BOARDING-HOUSE  (AS  IT  WAS) 181 

CHAPTER    XXII. 

THE  MEDICAL  STUDENTS'  BOARDING-HOUSE 192 

CHAPTER    XXIII. 

THE  BOARDING-HOUSE  FREQUENTED  BY  BOSTONIANS 204 

CHAPTER    XXIV. 

THE  BOARDING-HOUSE  WHOSE  LANDLADY  is  A  SOUTHERNER.  ...  214 

CHAPTER    XXV. 

THE  BOARDING-HOUSE  WHERE  THE  LANDLADY  IS  FROM  "DOWN 

EAST" 226 

1* 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER    XXYI. 

PAGE 

THE  BOARDING-HOUSE  IN  WHICH  ENGLISHMEN  PREDOMINATE.  .    .  236 


CHAPTER    XXVII. 
THE  "PENSION  FRAN^AISE" 246 

CHAPTER    XXVIII. 
THE  GERMAN  "  GASTHAUS" 255 

CHAPTER    XXIX. 

THE  IRISH  IMMIGRANT  BOARDING-HOUSE  (AS  IT  WAS) 263 

CHAPTER    XXX. 
THE  CHINESE  BOARDING-HOUSE 270 

CHAPTER    XXXI. 
THE  SAILORS'  BOARDING-HOUSE 277 

CHAPTER    XXXII. 

THE    BOARDING-HOUSE   WHICH   GIVES   SATISFACTION   TO   EVERY 
BODY 282 

CHAPTER    XXXIII. 
OP  DIFFERENT  SORTS  OF  BOARDERS 284 

CHAPTER    XXXIV. 
RETROSPECTIVE  AND  VALEDICTORY.  . .  296 


THE    PHYSIOLOGY 


OP 


NEW  YORK   BOARDING-HOUSES, 


CHAPTER  I. 


INTRODUCTORY,  METROPOLITAN,  AND  ANTICIPATORY. 

NDIVIDUALLY     W6      haven't      the 

slightest  doubt  of  the  ne 
cessity  for  this  work ;  but 
being  very  much  alive  to 
the  responsibility  of  emula 
ting  Le  Sage's  D table  Boi- 
teux  in  unroofing  houses, 
and  unvailing  to  our  read 
ers  the  peculiarities  of  the 
Establishments  whose  gen 
eric  title  we  have  assum 
ed,  we  shall  offer  a  preliminary  word  or  so  in  justification 
of  our  task. 

More  than  half  a  million  of  human  beings  are  said  to 
be  resident  in  this  capital  of  the  Western  "World.  Now 
each  individual  of  them  has,  is,  or  may  become  subject  to 


12 


tP&YSIOLOGY      OF 


Boarding-House  domiciliation.  Like  death,  no  class  is  ex 
empt  from  it.  A  topic  of  more  universal  interest,  com 
mending  itself  equally  to  author-craft  and  the  public, 
could  scarcely  be  hoped  for.  Is  it  not,  then,  remarkable 
that  ours  should  be  the  first  attempt  to  grapple  with  it  in 
a  fitting  and  comprehensive  manner  ? 

A  volume  such  as  we  can  conceive  rather  than  produce 
— penned  with  profound  and  philosophic  knowledge  of 
the  subject,  scrupulous  veracity,  and  delectable  wit  and 
wisdom — would  needs  be  priceless.  We  wish  we  could 
cast  such  a  one  on  the  restless  waters  of  the  sea  of  life 
around  us.  To  the  lips  of  the  student  of  human  nature  a 
chalice,  fraught  with  instruction  and  delight,  should  be 
freely  offered  ;  to  the  alien  and  stranger  a  book  of  good 
counsel  and  comfort ;  and  to  mankind  in  general,  we,  like 
the  serpent  in  Eden — yet  possessing,  withal,  no  latent 
guile — would  proffer  knowledge.  In  default  of  this 
much-to-be-desired  volume,  we  respectfully  tender  ours. 

The  remark  of  a  sage  Gascon  (who  must  have  been  the 
Tupper  of  his  day),  "that  there's  scarcely  any  place 
where  so  much  can  be  seen  as  in  the  world,"  may,  cer 
tainly,  in  a  minor  degree,  be  applied  to  this  metropolis. 
It  has  no  equal — at  least,  on  this  side  of  the  Atlantic.  It 
is  the  most  free  and  easy  place  conceivable.  The  right 
to  do  "as  you  d — n  please" — to  quote  the  democratic 
phraseology  of  the  aborigines — is  nowhere  so  universally 
recognized,  or  less  curbed  by  authority.  Individual 
character,  therefore,  whether  of  men  or  social  institu 
tions,  is  apt  to  be  forcibly  developed,  and  to  present 
peculiarities  worth  noting.  And  we  conceive  that  no 
better  place  for  sketching  these  can  be  selected  than  our 
substitutes  for  homes — Boarding-Houses.  Our  Physi 
ology  should  contain  types  of  a  large  portion  of  the  popu 
lation. 


NEW    YOKK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  13 

There  is  another,  though  a  secondary  reason,  for  our 
book's  existence.  The  present  is  a  mutable  generation, 
possessing  but  little  of  the  conservative  element,  unwilling 
to  pause,  ever  jostling  onward,  considering  nothing  final. 
Does  it  not  behoove  us,  then,  to  leave  record  of  what  has 
been  for  the  benefit  of  that  illustrious  personage — Pos 
terity  ? 

It  is  true  that  he  may  (or  may  not)  have  the  privilege 
of  turning  over  with  indifferent  hand  certain  dusty  files 
of  newspapers,  there  to  rake  among  embers  and  ashes 
which  blaze  briskly  enough  now.  But  being  a  great  phi 
losopher  (which  must  certainly  be  the  case  if  he  avail 
himself  of  only  half  the  books  bequeathed  to  him),  he 
may  cogitate  d  la  Carlyle's  Past  and  Present,  thus: 
"  Life  was  a  fact  with  my  great-great-grandfather.  He 
went  to  bed  of  nights,  and  got  up  of  mornings,  even  as  I 
do.  He  attired  himself  (after  a  very  absurd  and  ungainly 
fashion,  to  be  sure,  compared  with  the  present  mode),  and 
was  hungry  two  or  three  times  a  day.  I  should  like  to 
know,  in  detail,  how  the  old  boy  existed.  Here  are  ad 
vertisements  respecting  Boarding-Houses.  Perhaps  he 
lived  at  one  ?  I  wonder  what  they  were !" 

In  anticipation  of  this,  and  for  other  equally  good  rea 
sons,  we  take  pen  in  hand.  And  as  the  doughtiest  of 
heroes,  the  mightiest  of  achievements,  pass  away  when 
unchronicled,  so — did  we  not  undertake  to  embalm  them 
in  printer's  ink — might  the  various  characteristics  of  New 
York  Boarding-Houses.  Cheops,  king  of  Egypt,  to  secure 
this  sort  of  immortality,  erected  a  pyramid — and  that 's 
all  we  know  about  him.  He  'd  much  better  have  kept  a 
diary.  We  might,  then,  have  known  what  he  had  for 
breakfast.  A  few  sheets  of  perishable  papyri  pinned  to 
Time's  wing  makes  us  cotemporary  with  Cleopatra. 
It  may  be,  then,  that  a  thousand  years  hence,  some 


14 


NEW     YORK     BO  AEDING-II  OUSES. 


student,  curious  in  antiquarian  knowledge,  will,  in  some 
future  Astor  Library,  turn  over  our  pages,  diligently  in 
tent  on  the  past  and  this  Physiology  of  New  York 
Boarding-Houses.  Let  us  hope  so. 


CHAPTER  II. 


OF  LOOKING   OUT  FOK   A   BOARDING-HOUSE. 

THE  Establishments  of 
which  we  purpose  to 
speak  are  many  and  mul 
tifarious,  possessing  their 
own  idiocracies,  and  but 
seldom  amenable  to  other 
rules  and  regulations  than 
those  of  their  proprietors. 
As  Gow  Chrom,  in  Scott's 
novel,  fought  "  for  his  own 
hand,"  so  each  tenement 
may  be  described  as  sui  generis,  irrespective  of  others. 
They  have  some  general  characteristics,  but  not  enough 
of  particular  ones  to  suggest  order  in  their  enumeration. 
Classification,  therefore,  becomes  impossible.  We  shah1 
only  endeavor  to  place  them  under  appropriate  titles. 

Where,  now,  to  begin  ?  As  one  who  for  the  first  time 
enters  upon  Boarding- House  existence  is  desirous  of  dis 
covering  the  abode  of  all  others  most  suited  to  his  neces 
sities  and  inclinations,  so,  here,  we  experience  a  tem 
porary  difficulty  of  choice.  The  subject  is  so  vast,  so 
comprehensive.  "The  world"  (of  Boarding-Houses)  "is 
all  before  us — where  to  choose."  We  will  take  advantage 
of  our  simile  and  commence  by  describing  the  proceed 
ings  of  the  seeker  for  a  Boarding-House. 


16 


THE      PHYSIOLOGY      OF 


He  either  inserts  in  the  Herald,  Tribune,  or  Times,  an 
advertisement  specifying  his  particular  requirements,  or 
consults  those  addressed  to  humanity  in  general  through 
the  medium  of  their  columns — perhaps  adopts  both  meas 
ures.  In  the  former  case,  the  next  morning  puts  him  in 

possession  of  a  vast 
amount  of  corres 
pondence,  from  the 
tatily-penned  and 
Alcatel  y-  envelop 
ed  billets  of  up- 
towndom  to  the 
ill-spelled,  pencil- 
scrawled,  uncover 
ed  notes  of  Green 
wich  and  Hudson- 
streets.  It  matters 
not  that  he  has  in 
dicated  any  definite  locality;  sanguine  householders  in 
remote  Brooklyn  districts  clutch  at  him,  Hoboken  resi 
dents  yearn  toward  him,  and  the  writer  of  a  stray 
Williamsburg  epistle  is  "  confident  that  an  arrangement 
can  be  made"  if  he  will  favor  her  with  a  visit.  After  lay 
ing  aside  as  ineligible  as  many  letters  as  there  are  Smiths 
in  a  ISTew  York  Directory,  he  devotes  a  morning  to  the 
purposes  of  inspection  and  selection. 

He  becomes  acquainted  with  strange  localities  and  bell- 
handles.  He  scrutinizes  informatory  scraps  of  paper 
wafered  up  beside  doorways.  He  endures  tedious  wait 
ings  at  thresholds — it  being  a  curious  fact  in  connection 
with  Boarding-Houses  that  a  single  application  for  admis 
sion  through  the  usual  medium  never  procures  it.  And 
according  as  his  quest  be  high  or  low,  so  will  his  experi 
ence  varv. 


NEW  YORK  BOAKDING-  HOUSES. 


17 


If  the  former,  he  may  expect  to  be  ushered  into  spa 
cious  and  luxuriously-furnished  parlors,  where,  seated  in 
comfortably-padded  rocking-chairs,  "and  contemplating 
marble  tables,  on  which  gorgeously-bound  volumes  are 
artistically  arranged,  thousand-dollar  piano-fortes,  and 
mirrors  capable  of  abashing  a  modest  man  to  utter 
speechlessness,  he  will  tarry  the  advent  of  stately  dames, 


whose  dresses  rustle  as  with  conscious  opulence.  He  will 
precede  them — they  being  scrupulous  as  to  exposure  of 
ankles — up  broad  staircases  to  handsome  apartments,  and 
listen  with  bland  satisfaction  to  the  enumeration  of  "  ah1 
the  modern  improvements"  which  their  mansions  com 
prise  ;  nor,  perhaps,  be  startled  at  the  "  figure"  for  which 
they  may  be  enjoyed.  If  "money  be  no  object,"  he  will 
not  have  to  seek  far,  or  fare  badly. 

But  the  researches  of  him  whose  aspirations  are  cir 
cumscribed  by  a  shallow  purse  will  produce  different  re 
sults.  By  Irish  girls,  with  unkempt  hair  and  uncleanly 
physiognomy,  he  will  be  inducted  into  sitting-rooms  where 
the  Venetian  blinds  are  kept  scrupulously  closed,  for  the 


18 


THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 


double  purpose  of  excluding  flies  and  preventing  a  too 
close  scrutiny  of  the  upholstery.  lie  will  have  interviews 
with  landladies  of  various  appearance,  ages  an  (Character 
istics — landladies  dubious  and  dingy,  landladies  severe  and 
suspicious  (inflexible  as  to  "  references  or  payments  in  ad 
vance"),  landladies  calm  and  confiding,  landladies  chatty 
and  conciliatory — the  majority  being  widows.  He  will 


survey  innumerable  rooms — generally  under  that  pecu 
liarly  cheerful  aspect  attendant  on  unmade  beds  and  un- 
emptied  washing-basins — and,  if  of  sanatory  principles, 
examine  the  construction  of  windows  in  order  to  ascer 
tain  whether  theyjbe  asphyxiative  or  movable.  He  will 
find  occasion  to  admire  how  apartments  may  be  indiffer 
ently  ventilated  by  half-windows,  and  attics  constructed  so 
that  standing  erect  within  them  is  only  practicable  in  one 
spot.  How  a  three-feet-by-sixteen  inches  strip  of  thread 
bare  carpet,  a  twelve-and-a-half-cents-Chatham-square  mir 
ror,  and  a  disjointed  chair  may,  in  the  lively  imagination 
of  Boarding-House  proprietresses,  be  considered,  furniture. 
How  double,  triple,  and  even  quintuple  beds  in  single 
rooms,  and  closets  into  which  he  only  succeeds  in  effect- 


YORK     BOARDING- HOUSES. 


19 


ing  entrance  by  dint  of  violent  compression  between  the 
"  cot"  and  wall,  are  esteemed  highly  eligible  accommoda 
tions  for  single  gentlemen.  How  partitions  (of  a  purely 
nominal  character)  may  in  no  wise  prevent  the  occupants 
of  adjoining  rooms  from  holding  conversations  one  with 
the  other,  becoming  cognizant  of  neighboring  snores,  or 
turnings  in  bed.  He  will  observe  that  lavatory  arrange- 


ments  are  mostly  of  an  imperfect  description,  generally 
comprising  a  frail  and  rickety  washing-stand — which  has 
apparently  existed  for  ages  in  a  Niagara  of  soap-suds,  a 
ewer  and. basin  of  limited  capacity,  and  a  cottony,  web- 
like  towel,  about  as  well  calculated  for  its  purpose  as  a 
similar-sized  sheet  of  blotting  paper  would  be.  In  rooms 
which  have  not  recently  submitted  to  the  purifying  brush 
of  the  white- washer,  he  will  notice  the  mortal  remains  of 
mosquitoes  (not  to  mention  more  odoriferous  and  objec 
tionable  insects)  ornamenting  ceilings  and  walls,  where 
they  have  encountered  Destiny  in  the  shape  of  the  slip 
pers  or  boot-soles  of  former  occupants.  All  this  and  much 


20  NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 

more  will  be  revealed  to  the  individual  in  search  of  a 
cheap  Boarding-House. 

We  have  foreshadowed  the  extremes  of  our  subject,  or 
as  nearly  so  as  we  propose  to  touch  upon.  For,  though  it 
affords  such  ample  scope  as  to  include  the  most  magnifi 
cent  of  our  palace  hotels — which  are  but  Boarding-Houses, 
temporary  or  permanent — equally  with  the  squalid  tene 
ments  of  the  Five  Points  and  Cow  Bay,  yet  there  are 
heights  to  which  we  shah1  not  care  to  soar,  depths  to 
which  we  will  not  descend.  We  intend  to  be  neither  sta 
tistical  nor  subterranean. 

Nor,  unattractive  as  our  sketch  of  the  characteristics  of 
cheap  Boarding-Houses  appears,  are  we  unconscious  of  the 
existence  of  Establishments  where  moderate  prices  may 
procure  a  fair  average  amount  of  comfort  and  cleanliness. 
Such  will  find  honorable  mention  in  our  Physiology.  But 
as  in  life  they  are  infrequent,  a  proportionately  small  space 
will  be  here  accorded  to  them. 


CHAPTER  III. 


OF   BOARDING   WITH    A   PRIVATE   FAMILY. 


;ERY  often,  when 
circumstances  com 
pel  an  individual  to 
find  eating,  drink 
ing,  and  sleeping 
accommodation 
among  strangers, 
he  compromises  the 
Boarding  -  House 
question  by  secur 
ing  lodgings  with 
a  private  family. 
Probably  he  enter 
tains  a  wholesome 
distrust  of  the  Es 
tablishments  to  which  our  book  is  devoted,  perhaps  hopes 
for  a  nearer  approach  to  domestic  felicity  for  eschewing 
them.  If  prudent,  however,  he  will  religiously  avoid  such 
tenements  as  put  forth  advertisements  offering  "all  the 
comforts  of  a  home"  at  low,  or  indeed  any  prices.  For,  as 
few  persons  receive  boarders  from  inclination,  it  logically 
follows  that  the  resources  of  those  who  are  unable  to  cater 
for  more  than  one  must  be  very  limited,  and  it  is  more 
than  probable  that  they  are  simply  cannibals,  desirous  of 


22  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

securing  somebody  to  feed  upon.  You  may  in  such- 
houses  find  yourself  a  dish  for  an  entire  family ;  served  up 
regularly  at  breakfast,  dinner,  and  supper,  and  also  fleeced 
to  supply  clothing  for  a  brood  of  juvenile  ogre.s.  Domes 
tic  economy  of  this  kind  can  be  as  easily  imagined  as  de 
scribed,  and  for  this  reason,  as  well  as  to  shun  the  charge 
of  invidiousness  in  selection,  we  shall  not  go  into  detail 
about  it.  We  prefer,  rather,  a  household  of  better  qual 
ity — of  which  you  have  some  preceding  knowledge,  and 
where  you  consent  to  become  "  one  of  the  family." 

Your  landlord  Brown — we  choose  that  name  as  com 
paratively  clear  of  libellous  application — has,  ttufe  a 
wife  and  small  family  of  three — -we  will  not  take  unfair 
advantage  by  supposing  more.  Perhaps  business  relations 
and  mutual  convenience  have  induced  you  to  become  his 
boarder.  Mrs.  B.  is  a  prettyish  woman,  amiable,  and  well- 
meaning  ;  her  children,  a  boy,  a  girl,  and  a  baby.  You 
possess  that  repugnance  to  and  dread  of  all  infants  of 
tender  years  natural  to  unmarried  men — except  very 
mildly-developed  ones,  who,  we  verily  believe,  do  succeed 
in  getting  up  a  timid  sort  of  interest  in  them — but,  apart 
from  this,  anticipate  a  reasonable  amount  of  comfort  in 
your  new  quarters,  and,  for  a  short  time,  are  not  disap 
pointed.  Mrs.  B.  is  anxious  to  please  and  be  pleased,  her 
husband,  a  good-humored,  every-day-kind-of-man,  and  you 
popular  with  both.  But,  presently,  certain  disadvantages 
incidental  to  your  position  begin  to  disclose  themselves. 

Being  treated  "  exactly  as  one  of  the  family,"  it  is  tac 
itly  expected  that  you  will  let  pass,  without  comment  or 
objection,  whatever  may  conflict  with  your  own  tastes  and 
inclinations.  Mrs.  B.'s  cookery  is  not  worse  than  that  of 
the  majority  of  young  wives  married  from  Boarding- 
Houses — which  is  to  say  she  knows  nothing  at  all  about 
it — and  the  Celt  conducts  herself  according  to  her  natural 


NEW     YOKK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 

ignorance  and  proclivity  to  dirt — you  must  "  take  things 
as  they  are,"  and  make  the  best  of  them.  Little  irregu 
larities  as  to  meal  hours — always  common  where  there  is 
a  baby  who  is  apt  to  intimate  his  particular  wants  in  a  not- 
to-be-choked-off  manner — family  make-shifts  and  expedi 
ents,  you  can  not  suppose  will  be  dropped  or  amended  in 
consequence  of  your  presence.  Brown  is  used  to  them ; 
you  must  become  so. 

When  breakfast  is  delayed  for  half  an  hour — you  fid 
geting  all  the  time  with  thoughts  of  the  store,  work 
shop,  or  office — you  can't  be  brutal  enough  to  complain 
when  you  learn  that  "  poor  Mrs.  B.  did  n't  get  a  wink  of 
sleep  all  night,  the  child  cried  so,"  nor  would  you  be 
guilty  of  the  discourtesy  of  commencing  the  meal  in  her 
absence.  If  you  come  down  later  than  usual,  and  find 
reserved  for  you  a  mug-full  of  coffee,  black,  bitter  as 
aloes,  and  boiling  on  the  stove,  a  fragment  of  overcooked 
steak  adhering  to  its  plate  through  the  medium  of  con 
gealed  grease,  a  patch  of  liquefying  butter  peppered  with 
flies,  and  a  sodden  biscuit — why  "  you  can't  expect  the 
things  to  be  about  all  day."  Eat  your  breakfast  in  silence, 
and  show  your  appreciation  of  "  the  comforts  of  a  home" 
by  not  disturbing  Bridget,  who 's  "  washing  up." 

Mrs.  B.,  too,  and  her  husband,  have  the  occasional  tiffs 
and  differences  natural  to  the  married  state  on  unimport 
ant  questions,  at  table  or  elsewhere,  when  they  appeal  to 
your  judgment.  You  are  gallant  and  side  with  the  wife, 
upon  which  Brown  thinks  you  a  humbug,  and  hints  as 
much.  Venture  on  the  opposite  line  of  conduct,  with 
ever  so  guarded  a  proviso,  Mrs.  B.  is  "  disappointed  in 
you,  as  she  thought  you  had  a  better  opinion  of  the 
ladies."  So  you  hold  your  tongue,  are  considered  sulky, 
and  the  boy  and  girl  told  not  to  go  near  you. 

These  innocents,  also,  are  scarcely  a  source  of  unmixed 


24  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

gratification  to  yourself  and  those  about  them.  For  the 
boy  surreptitiously  borrows  your  knife,  breaks  the  smaller 
blade  short  off  in  endeavoring  to  whittle  out  a  boat,  and 
cuts  his  fingers  severely — in  consequence  of  which  you 
get  into  disgrace  with  his  mother.  And  the  girl  ad« 
dresses  you  by  an  abbreviation  of  your  Christian  name — 
having  heard  her  father  do  so — favors  you  with  "  sharp" 
answers,  and  announces  the  calls  of  your  friends  in  a 
shrill  yell  up  the  staircase.  You  incline  toward  both  dar 
lings  at  first,  but  finding  their  affection  become  so  rampant 
as  scarcely  to  leave  you  a  quiet  moment,  and  the  small 
coins  at  first  received  as  a  favor,  soon  clamorously  de 
manded  as  a  right,  you  endeavor  gradually  to  break  off — 
upon  which  they  turn  spiteful,  and  persuade  Mrs.  B.  that 
you  are  an  undeveloped  Herod.  She  would  like  to  know 
what  the  "  poor  children"  have  done  to  displease  you. 

Nor  is  this  all.  The  Browns  are  sociable  people,  and 
give  little  parties.  Mrs.  B.  has  unmarried  sisters,  and 
young  lady  acquaintances.  You  enjoy  yourself  very 
much,  and  do  not  object  "to  see  the  girls  home,"  even 
though  the  distance  be  considerable.  Perhaps  exhilarated 
by  their  pleasant  society,  and  wilfully  unmindful  of  the 
fact  that  there  is  another  young  lady  who  claims  the 
monopoly  of  such  attentions,  you  propose  stepping  into 
Taylor's  for  an  ice-cream  or  so.  She  hears  of  it,  be  sure, 
and  you  are  tartly  informed  that  if  you  go  out  for  walks 

with  Miss s',  she  shall  retaliate  in  company  with  Mr. 

Smith.  (Smith  is  your  rival,  and  you  have  a  suspicion  that 
his  whiskers  are  more  distingue-loo]dng  than  yours.) 

Or,  on  rainy  nights,  the  young  ladies  accept  their 
brother-in-law's  proffered  hospitality;  when,  in  conse 
quence  of  limited  accommodation,  you  give  up  your  room 
to  them,  and  sleep  on  the  sofa.  Bachelors'  apartments 
are  not  proverbially  tidy,  and  it  is  just  possible  that  you 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  25 

have  left  certain  unsealed  letters,  from  her,  in  drawers,  or 
the  pockets  of  the  old  coat  which  serves  you  for  a  dress 
ing  gown.  Of  course  you  wouldn't  for  the  world  suspect 
the  young  ladies  of  reading  them.  Yet  you  think  of 
Madame  Uluebeard  in  the  story,  and  are  haunted  with  a 
lively  recollection  of  particular  passages  in  the  said  letters, 
wherein  the  Misses  s'  personal  appearance  and  de 
meanor  are  commented  very  severely  upon,  and  such 
epithets  as  "forward  minxes,"  "bold-faced  hussies,"  ap 
plied  to  them.  These  reflections,  combined  with  the 
hardness  of  the  sofa,  are  quite  sufficient  to  keep  you- in  a 
vivacious  state  of  unrest  till  the  morning,  when  you  make 
your  toilet  in  the  back  kitchen  among  dirty  plates,  house 
hold  utensils,  and  irruptions  from  Bridget.  And,  innocent 
as  "  the  girls"  look  when  you  bid  them  good-morning, 
you  could  swear  they  have  counted  the  number  of  your 
dickeys,  and  know  that  your  socks  are  awfully  in  need  of 
darning. 

Brown,  too,  has  his  friends  who  sometimes  stop  all 
night,  and,  of  course,  share  your  bed.  Perhaps  they  get 
to  sleep  first,  and  snore.  Perhaps  they  never  can  do 
either,  in  a  strange  couch,  and  so  lie  tumbling,  tossing,  and 
kicking,  till  you  become  equally  incapable  of  repose.  We 
have  had  bed-fellows  who  couldn't  partake  of  "  the  balmy" 
unless  in  strange  positions,  such  as  on  their  backs,  with 
their  knees  making  a  pyramid  of  the  bed-clothes.  We 
have  also  known  them  to  moan  all  night  like  broken 
hearted  ring-doves.* 

*  On  such  occasions — and  indeed  on  others,  such  as  snoring,  snort 
ing,  grunting,  etc. — we  have  found  whistling  an  efficacious  check.  It 
probably  disturbs  the  unconscious  s.^naders  into  abandoning  their  in 
voluntary  accompaniment.  We,  therefore,  advise  suffering  wives, 
when  their  lords  commence  nasal  melody,  to  sit  up  in  bed  and  whistle 
like  so  many  insane  key-holes.  Of  course  the  counsel  is  unnecessary  to 
husbands — ladies  never  snore. 

2 


26 


THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 


Mrs.  B.  returns  her  sisters'  visits,  and  occasionally  stays 
a  day  or  two  with  her  mother.  (Nobody  could  be  hard 
hearted  enough  to  wish  to  keep  her  always  at  home.) 
During  such  absences,  Brown  and  yourself  are  turned 
over  to  the  tender  mercies  of  Bridget,  who  don't  make 
the  beds  till  the  evening.  Perhaps,  by  special  order,  she 
institutes  a  general  clean  up.  In  which  case,  on  return 
ing  home,  you  find  the  floor  of  your  apartment  damp 
from  a  recent  inundation,  your  hat  in  the  shower-bath, 
your  boots  hung  near  the  ceiling,  your  pipes,  hair-brush, 
and  tobacco-jar  jumbled  among  your  shirt-collars,  and 
the  rest  of  your  property  carefully  put  away  in  equally 
appropriate  localities.  You  may,  however,  discover  this 
in  progress,  and  have  the  gratification  of  carrying  the  fur 
niture  from  the  passage  into  your  room.  Of  Bridget's 
cookery  we  shall  say  nothing,  having  already  intimated 
that  she  is  an  Irishwoman,  and  therefore  but  one  degree 
above  the  Hottentot  zero  ofthe  culinary  thermometer. 

You  are  also  liable  to  the  performance  of  the  part  of 
cavalier  to  Mrs.  B.,  in  accompanying  her  to  theaters, 
fetching  her  home  from  balls,  etc.,  when  Brown — it's  just 


NEW     YOHK      BOARDING-  HOUSES. 


like  him — won't.  This,  of  itself,  would  be  no  great  hard 
ship,  but  there 's  "  your"  young  lady  who  wonders  married 
women  (with  an  emphasis  on  the  adjective)  "are  not 
really  ashamed  of  themselves"  to  be  seen  at  such  places 
with  gentlemen,  and  "hopes  their  husbands'  eyes  will 
soon  be  opened."  Your  refusal,  though  vailed  under 
never  so  ingenious  a  pretext,  is  perceived  and  re 
sented  by  Mrs.  B.,  perhaps  by  her  husband.  Or,  on  the 
other  hand,  you — having  no  tendresse  elsewhere — accord 
these  attentions  so  readily  as  to  excite  his  jealousy.  Be 
tween  these  two  stools  you  will  need  to  be  a  dextrous 
moral  acrobat  not  to  come  to  the 
ground.  We  remember  an  in 
stance  in  which  a  husband's  feel 
ings  were  so  wrought  upon  by  the 
fact  of  a  boarder's  esquiring  his  wife 
from  a  party — which  he  himself  had 
expressly  declined  doing — that  they 
instigated  him  to  taking  his  revenge 
on  the  hat  of  the  of 
fender.  He  was  dis 
covered,  subsequent  to  , 
their  return,  kicking  it  ^ 
about  the  passage  in  a  "-^5^^-  c^. 
most  vindictive  man 
ner. 

Now  and  then  you  may  be  weak  enough  to  suffer  your 
self  to  be  inveigled  into  assisting  at  Mrs.  B's.  Saturday 
evening  marketings — the  inducement,  "'choosing  some 
thing  you  like"  for  Sunday's  dinner ;  the  result — carry 
ing  the  basket.  Indeed,  if  you  are  of  easy  nature,  there's 
no  knowing  what  may  be  required  of  you.  White-wash 
ing,  putting  up  beds,  conveying  orders  to  trades-people, 
acting  as  proxy  in  disputing  their  "  little  bills" — and  occa- 


28  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

sionally  advancing  the  money  to  pay  them — hearing  the 
children's  lessons,  keeping  the  garden  in  order — for  all 
these  tasks,  and  many  more,  you  are  available.  If  a  May 
day  moving  be  in  contemplation,  you  'd  better,  at  the  out 
set,  dispatch  a  doctor's  certificate  of  sickness  to  your  em 
ployers,  for  you  '11  have  to  come  to  it,  finally,  after  losing 
a  day  and  a  half.  Should  your  coat  or  pants  suffer  in  any 
of  these  operations,  Mrs.  B.  meets  your  application  for 
repairs  with  a  laugh,  calls  you  an  "  old  bachelor,"  and 
commends  you  to  Bridget,  who,  in  her  turn,  thinks  you  're 
"  betther  able  to  atthind  to  such  matthers  yen-self  thin 
she  is." 

When  Brown  wants  to  smoke,  he  naturally  uses  your 
cigars  and  apartment,  hence  you  are  suspected  of  inocu 


lating  him  with  low  tastes,  and  seducing  him  from  the 
bosom  of  his  family.  Unmistakable  hints  are  thrown 
out  as  to  the  necessity  of  taking  down  the  window  cur 
tains  and  having  them  washed,  "  to  get  the  smell  out,"  and 
"  poor  dear  baby's  cough"  is  attributed  to  "  that  horrid 
tobacco."  Baby,  indeed*  becomes  a  very  formidable  per 
sonage.  If  not  on  good  terms  with  the  mother,  you  can 


NEW    YORK     BO  AKDING-H  OUSES.  29 

not  raise  your  voice  above  a  whisper,  sneeze,  laugh,  cough, 
whistle,  sing,  open  or  shut  the  door,  without  disturbing 
it.  Terrible  to  reflect  upon  are  those  evenings  on  which 
Mrs.  B,  goes  out,  leaving  baby  to  the  care*  of  Bridget. 
Perhaps  she  takes  her  keys  with  her,  when  you  and  Brown 
sup  on  crackers,  cheese,  and  beer  (fetched  and  paid  for, 
by  yourself,  from  the  corner  gro 
cery.)  He  doesn't  remain  in-doors, 
but  you  must,  having  to  write  a 
letter,  during  the  composition  of 
which  baby  wails  incessantly.  On 
the  infantile  clamor  reaching  a  crisis 
suggestive  of  blackness  in  the  face, 
protruded  eyes,  and  generally  con 
vulsive  appearance,  you  descend, 
and  discover  Bridget  endeavoring 
to  quiet  her  charge  by  filling  its  tiny  mouth  with  lumps 
of  pork  fat.  Half  an  hour  subsequently  you  start,  on  your 
own  responsibility,  to  fetch  Mrs.  B.  home.  About  the 
time,  too,  that  you  have  become  so  misanthropic  on  the 
subject  of  babies  as  to  strongly  recommend  Godfrey's 
Cordial,  and  other  opiates — in  the  hope  of  fatal  results — 
you  are  requested  to  act  as  god-father. 

To  detail  all  the  minutiae  of  annoyances  ordinarily  in 
cluded  in  Boarding  with  a  Private  Family,  would  far  tran 
scend  our  limits.  Another  incident — warranted  genuine — 
and  we  have  done.  We  knew  a  lodger,  who,  coming  home 
one  night  keyless,  and  finding  the  street-door  locked,  ef 
fected  an  entrance — being  a  bit  of  a  gymnast — into  his  bed 
room  by  means  of  the  balcony  and  windo\v.  Next  morn 
ing,  when  the  servant  was  stirring  about  the  house,  he 
called  to  her,  bidding  her  take  the  key  from  the  top  of 
the  door  (where  it  was  generally  deposited  to  be  out  of 
the  way  of  the  dear  children)  and  release  him.  She, 


30  NEW     YOKK     B  OAK  DIN  G-H  O  USES. 

startled  at  such  an  inscrutable  occurrence,  set  up  an  appal 
ling  howl,  rushed  up  stairs  into  the  apartment  of  her  master 
and  mistress,  and  frightened  the  baby  into  a  fit.  In  con 
sequence,  our  friend's  Brown  told  him  at  breakfast-time 
that  this  was  a  course  of  conduct  he  really  could  n't  think 
of  putting  up  with,  and  perhaps  he  had  better  find  accom 
modations  elsewhere !  Incontinently  he  did  so. 

The  Boarder  in  a  Private  Family  usually  quits  it  on  gen 
eral  grounds  of  discontent  and  incompatibility  of  temper. 
He  has,  in  fact,  been  so  much  "  one  of  the  family,"  that  he 
has  lost  claim  to  his  own  individuality.  His  entertainers' 
presumed  property  in  him  can  only  be  repudiated  by 
flight,  and  that  social  hegira  takes  place  accordingly. 


CHAPTER    IV. 


THE   CHEAP   BOAKDING-HOUSE    ON   A   LARGE   SCALE. 


RIVATE  Boarding  -  Houses, 
in  which  limited  num 
bers  of  persons  are 
accommodated,  will 
naturally  preponde 
rate  in  a  work  of  this 
kind ;  and  to  them 
our  •  prefatory  re 
marks  on  the  impos 
sibility  of  classifica 
tion,  are  especially 
applicable.  Like 
their  proprietors  and  occupants,  they  are  of  all  stations, 
and  comprise  every  variety  of  social  characteristic.  We 
shall  present  such  samples  as  have  the  greatest  diversity, 
and  afford  scope  for  displaying  our  subject  in  its  strongest 
lights. 

Having  emancipated  our  imaginary  Boarder  from  the 
"Private  Family,"  we  at  once  turn  him  loose  into  the 
metropolitan  world,  nor  shall  we  cramp  our  sphere  of 
action  by  following  individual  adventure's.  Yet  we  will 
allow  his  choice  to  guide  ours  in  the  selection  of  the  first 
Establishment  claiming  notice.  Probably,  disgusted  with 
his  recent  experience,  he  will  rush  to  the  opposite  extreme, 


32  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

and  become  an  inmate  of  the  cheap  Boarding-House  on  a 
large  scale. 

It  comprises  two  tenements  which  have  been  stately 
mansions  in  their  day,  but,  like  the  neighborhood,  have 
gone  down  in  the  world.  Its  mistress — who  can  recollect 
when  there  was  a  bridge  at  Canal-street,  and  little  else 
beside  fields  north  of  it ;  when  New  York  had  but  one 
omnibus,  which  used  to  call  at  the  residences  of  citizens 
for  "  fares ;"  with  much  more,  sounding  strange  and  half- 
fabulous  to  the  ears  of  the  present  generation — will  tell  you 
of  the  old  Knickerbocker  families  resident  there  in  the 
presidency  of  Jeiferson,  and  how,  on  ball-nights,  rows  of 
carriages  stood  along  the  triangular  patch  of  inclosed 
vegetation  (which  the  aborigines  of  the  locality  insanely 
denominate  a  Park)  fronting  the  houses.  But  that 's  fifty 
years  ago ;  respectability  has  followed  fashion  up  town,  and 
the  two  old  mansions  are  humiliated  to  the  condition  of  a 
cheap  Boarding-House. 

Their  spacious  rooms  have  been  divided  and  subdivided 
into  so  many  apartments,  that  the  place  resembles  a  peni 
tentiary,  a  hive,  or  barrack.  Some  contain  an  extra 
number  of  beds,  and  the  minor  chambers  are  unusually 
small,  even  for  a  Boarding-House.  Ours — we  have  inti 
mated  that  we  intend  to  draw  freely  on  personal  expe 
rience  in  our  Physiology — was  eight  feet  by  six.  It  was 
just  possible  to  open  the  door  to  sufficient  width  to  obtain 
ingress,  the  bed  partially  blockading  it,  and  upon  this  we 
could  recline,  poke  the  fire  in  the  stove,  and  touch  three 
sides  of  the  room  with  perfect  facility.  Many  a  winter's 
night  have  we  lain  and  watched  the  dull  red  glow  of  a 
handfull  of  anthracite  glaring  at  us  like  the  angry  eye  of  a 
dwarf  Cyclops,  and  once,  while  poking  vigorously  for  the 
purpose  of  blinding  him,  we  upset  the  stove,  the  pipe  of 
which  descended  upon  us  with  some  violence. 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  33 

A  conjunction  of  the  two  staircaces  having  been  effected 
by  breaking  down  the  partition-wall  at  the  second  story, 
you  were,  at  first,  in  doubt  as  to  which  house  your  room 
appertained,  only  arriving  at  the  knowledge  by  dint  of 
repeatedly  knocking  your  head  against  a  low  doorway  in 
a  dark  passage,  and  simultaneously  tumbling  down  two 
steps,  which,  in  time,  impressed  the  locality  of  the  bound 
ary  on  your  memory.  Cumbrous  old  oaken  staircases  they 
were,  too,  of  a  fashion  and  solidity  shaming  those  of  the 
present  day.  Many  a  powdered  beauty  has,  without 
question,  in  ante-revolutionary  days,  tripped  down  them, 
and  many  a  red-coated,  cocked-hatted  officer  of  King 
George  as  escort.  If  such  a  couple  could,  by  the  paler 
moonlight  peering  in  at  the  skylight  above,  and  stealing 
solemnly  down  on  the  shabby,  cracked,  dirty  plastered 
wall,  revisit  the  scene  now ! 

The  mistress  of  the  establishment  is  a  bulky  English 
woman  of  (certainly)  five-and-fifty,  in  possession  of  a  third 
husband,  and  the  most  perfectly  developed  snuffle  we  have 
ever  encountered.  A  tradition  has  been  handed  down 
from  former  lodgers,  that  the  union  originated  in  the  male 
party's  running  deeply  in  arrears  for  board,  and  honorably 
compounding  the  same  by  matrimony.  He  is  a  grave, 
quiet,  and  useful  man,  his  wife's  junior  by  ten  or  fifteen 
years.  He  does  the  marketing,  carving,  white-washing, 
and  general  repairing,  and  has  a  box  of  carpenter's  tools 
in  the  front  basement,  the  contents  of  which  are  in  frequent 
use.  Superficial  observers  fancy  him  the  weaker  vessel, 
but  the  Irish  servant  girls — who  rather  like  him,  but  enter 
tain  the  reverse  feeling  toward  their  mistress — say  Mrs. 
— —  "  has  got  to  mind,"  when  her  husband  tells  her. 
And  there's  an  air  of  quiet  determination  about  him 

which  is  corroborative.  Mrs. 's  mother  (a  venerable 

but  virulent  old  lady  of  three-score  who  keeps  her  cham- 

2* 


34  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OP 

ber,  and  makes  the  girls  cry  when  they  bring  her  meals) 
is  known  to  have  predicted  that  her  daughter  "  will  see 
this  one  out  and  have  another,"  but  we  own  to  doubts  as 
to  the  correctness  of  her  judgment. 

When  the  houses  possess  their  full  complement  of 
boarders — which  they  generally  do,  the  Establishment 
being  about  as  well-managed  and  dieted  as  can  be  ex 
pected,  at  the  price — over  fifty  persons  find  a  substitute 
for  a  home  within  their  walls,  the  American  element 
scarcely  predominating  over  the  English,  Scotch,  and 
Irish.  The  oldest  inhabitant  is  an  elderly  Philadelphian. 
He  has  boarded  there  for  any  number  of  years,  not  with 
out  temporary  desertions,  much  private  growling  against 
the  authorities,  and  innumerable  resolves  of  a  final  change 
of  residence — -always  to  be  carried  out  next  week.  He 
considers  ISTew  York  an  aggressive  and  presumptuous  me 
tropolis,  every  way  inferior  to  his  native  city;  tells  you 
how,  after  the  great  fire  of  1836,  the  former  was  only  too 
happy  to  borrow  money  of  the  latter ;  disparages  the  Cro- 
ton  by  contrasting  it  with  the  Schuylkill ;  laments  the  un- 
healthy  atmosphere  of  the  Empire  State,  and  defers  pur 
chasing  clothes  (however  strongly  in  need  of  them)  until 
he  has  occasion  to  visit  Philadelphia.  Otherwise  he  is  a 
rational  man,  though  possessing  strong  prejudices,  the 
bitterest  of  which  are  directed  against  the  memory  of 
Sidney  Smith.  On  Sunday  morning,  if  breakfast  is  de 
layed,  he  is  apt  to  be  wrathy,  and  sometimes,  after  twenty 
minutes  pacing  up  and  down  the  hall,  has  been  known  to 
dart  oif  to  an  indignant  meal  at  Sweeney's.  He  has  become 
identified  with  the  Boarding-House,  will  probably  termi 
nate  his  days  there,  and  be  buried  in  the  back  yard.  Five 
or  six  years  ago  he  lost  a  considerable  sum  of  money,  his 
box  being  broken  open  by  some  scoundrel  then  resident 
in  the  Establishment.  On  this  occasion  he  quitted  it — for 


NEW     YORK      BOARDING-HOUSES.  35 

a  whole  mouth.  But,  like  the  dove  to  the  ark,  he  came 
back  again,  and,  to  use  the  strong  expression  of  a  cockney 
boarder  at  that  time,  we  don't  think  that  the  combined 
forces  of  several  strong  men,  a  steam-engine,  and  a  bull 
dog,  could  keep  him  away. 

In  feats  of  in-doors  pedestrianism  (to  which  he  is  prone 
on  the  evenings  of  the  working-day  week,  as  on  Sunday 
mornings),  he  is  often  accompanied  by  a  long,  gaunt, 
whitish  dog,  whose  hair  comes  off  when  you  pat  him,  and 
who  is  so  old  that  he  dates  back  to  the  time  of  the  land 
lady's  first  marriage.  He,  too,  appears  part  of  the  Estab 
lishment,  and  inseparable  from  it.  He  is  always  hungry, 
has  no  objection  to  mustard,  and  woii't  be  lost.  For  his 
mistress  has  several  times  commissioned  small  boys  to 
abandon  him  in  remote  localities,  but  Solon  (like  his  Phil 
adelphia  friend)  invariably  returns  to  his  old  home.  Once, 
in  mid-summer,  the  individual  thus  charged  made  him 
over  to  the  city  authorities  for  the  sum  of  fifty  cents. 
But  on  reaching  the  place  of  detention  for  all  lawless  and 
unmuzzled  dogs,  Solon  was  recognized,  and  a  message 
dispatched  to  his  owners,  to  the  effect  that  the  senders 
"  know'd  the  dog  was  set  store  by,  and  didn't  they  want 
him  agin  ?"  A  walk  up-town,  and  the  expenditure  of  ji 

dollar  on  the  part  of  Mr. ,  redeemed  him.     The  old 

dog  is  rather  a  favorite  of  the  boarders,  and  will  follow 
such  as  have  been  domiciled  there  for  any  time  on  Sunday 
afternoon  rambles ;  at  other  times  dozing  out  his  exist 
ence  in  the  sitting-room,  lying  in  summer  winking  in  the 
sunlight,  and  in  winter,  beside  the  stove.  This,  and  the 
hall,  seems  to  be  his  peculiar  domain.  He  seldom  ventures 
into  the  dining-room,  and  if  so,  there  is  an  expression  of 
conscious  guilt  about  his  physiognomy  and  tail,  which  de 
notes  a  lively  apprehension  of  painful  consequences. 
This  tabooed  apartment  is  a  long  room  at  the  back  of 


36  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

the  houses,  with  bare  white-washed  walls,  and  a  row  of 
windows  on  one  side,  like  a  hospital  from  which  the  beds 
have  been  removed.  In  lieu  of  them,  there  are  two  longi 
tudinal  tables,  surrounded  by  excessively  high  stools  ;  and 
in  winter,  at  the  further  end  (where  the  landlady  sits),  is  a 
stove.  Hither  the  boarders  are  summoned  at  the  hours  of 
7,  2  and  6,  by  a  large  bell,  the  jangling  dissonance  of  which 
might  convert  one  to  the  Turkish  opinion  that  those  arti 
cles  are  an  invention  of  the  devil.  They  troop  in  like  a 
file  of  soldiers,  each  to  his  stool,  partake,  of  their  food  in 
silence  (mutely  stoking  themselves,  as  it  were)  and  troop 
out  again.  There  is  little,  if  any,  conversation.  The 
mistress  of  the  Establishment  presides,  assisted  by  her 
husband  and  servants,  and  "  gets  through"  matters  very 
expeditiously.  As  already  intimated,  the  meals  are  of  in 
differently-good  quality.  We  have  known  the  beef  of 
tougher  consistency  and  more  veiny  construction  than  was 
desirable,  and  the  potatoes  to  exhibit  as  many  eyes  as 

Argus;  but  on  the  whole, 
the  diet  was  endurable.  Our 
chief  objection  applies  ah1 
most  universally  to  the  cui 
sine  of  Boarding-Houses.  The  meals  were  uniformly 
served  up  "  neither  cold,  nor  hot" — a  state  St.  John  didn't 
approve  of  in  Laodicean  Christians.  The  soups,  too, 
might  have  been  improved  by  a  less  liberal  allowance  of 
grease  and  unground  pepper,  of  which  latter  there  always 
remained  a  deep  sediment — as  of  small  shot — in  each  plate. 
But  the  boarders  were  not  more  discontented  than  is 
generally,  naturally,  and  inevitably  the  case  in  most  Estab 
lishments. 

*•- 

There  were  comparatively  few  lady-boarders  at 's. 

We  remember  one  who  was  strongly  suspected  of  stealing 
clothing,  etc.,  from  the  rooms  of  other  lodgers.  She  gen- 


NEW    YORK     BO  AKDING-H  OUSES.  37 

erally  came  down  to  meals  after  the  usual  time,  and  was 
supposed  to  carry  off  the  purloined  property  concealed 
within  her  superfluity  of  crinoline.  Finally,  being  one 
day  tracked,  as  she  walked 
abroad,  by  our  quiet  landlord, 
he,  upon  her  taking  the  arm  of 
a  suspicious-looking  male  com 
panion,  stepped  forward  and 
suggested  that  perhaps  she'd 
better  not  trouble  herself  to 
come  back  any  more.  Which 
hint  she  acted  upon.  During 
the  excitement  produced  by  the 
thefts,  it  was  proposed  to  apply  to  a  clairvoyant  for  the 
discovery  of  the  delinquent,  and  a  subscription  got  up 
among  the  boarders  for  thft  purpose.  The  result  was 
hardly  satisfactory,  for  though  the  gifted  seer  described 
most  minutely  not  only  the  pawn-broker's  shop,  but  the 
very  shelf  whereon  the  stolen  property  was  deposited,  yet 
unfortunately,  the  particulars  applied  equally  well  to  some 
half-hundred  shelves  and  establishments,  and  the  few 
"  uncles"  applied  to  refusing  to  allow  their  stores  to  be 
overhauled — in  one  case  threatening  to  "  pound"  the  appli 
cant — the  guilty  person  was  not  thereby  detected. 

The  sitting-room  of  our  Boarding-House  is  a  large,  dull 
back-parlor,  partially  lighted  by  two  long  windows,  which 
command  a  cheerful  prospect  of  the  exterior  of  the  dining- 
room,  a  number  of  decayed  barrels,  and  a  sloppy,  dirty 
passage-like  yard,  at  the  extremity  of  which  is  a  deformed 
tree.  Here  (in  the  sitting-room),  on  winter  evenings,  the 
boarders  congregate,  to  anathematize  the  stove  when  ill- 
tended,  to  spit  upon  it  when  red  hot.  The  furniture  com 
prises  some  chairs,  many  stools,  a  print  of  a  stage  coach 
which  is  yellow  with  age,  and  a  spectral  old  sofa.  To  sit 


38  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

down  upon  the  latter  article 
is  a  disconcerting  transac 
tion;  for  though  the  horse 
hair  covering  retains  its 
fully  plumped  appearance, 
the  springs  and  stuffing 
have  been  removed,  and 
no  sooner  do  you  deposit  yourself  thereon,  than  an  un 
looked-for  descent  of  at  least  six  inches  is  the  result.  It 
is  especially  startling  to  fat  old  gentlemen. 

Smoking  being  forbidden  here  (in  deference  to  an  an 
cient  carpet,  the  pattern  of  which  has  long  ago  faded  into 
invisibility),  a  small  apartment  like  the  interior  of  a  deal- 
box,  and  formed  by  annexing  a  bit  of  the  dining-room,  is 
devoted  to  the  lovers  of  the  "  flagrant  weed."  We  re 
member  decorating  its  sid«  with  fancy  sketches  and 
portraits  of  the  more  prominent  boarders,  which  pro 
ceeding  developed  another  characteristic  on  the  part  of 
the  landlord.  He  came  out  with  savagely  ironical,  but 
ungrammatically-written  notices,  the  venom  of  which  ap 
peared  to  consist  in  the  frequent  repetition  of  the  words 
"  some  people,"  and  wafered  them  up  on  the  inner  side 
of  the  street  door. 

On  certain  days  the  strip  of  yard  is  transformed  into  a 
grove  of  wet  linen,  for  washing  is  done  at  this  Establish 
ment.  The  Irish  girls  who  perform  this  (and  every  other) 
species  of  labor,  have  their  separate  back-kitchen,  which 
is  dark,  subterranean  and  cock-roachy,  and  where  our 
landlady's  snuffle  is  often  raised  in  anger.  Sometimes  her 
husband  acts  as  mediator,  as  also  when  boarders  get  a 

little  in  arrear.     Mrs. ,  by-the-by,  has  an  awful  way 

of  coming  "  down  upon"  defaulters.  As  the  luckless 
debtor  took  his  seat  at  the  breakfast  table,  he  would,  in 
the  midst  of  a  dead  silence,  receive  an  ominously  nasal  in- 


NEW    YOKK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 


39 


timation  that  she  wanted  to  speak  with  him  before  lie  went 
out.  We  have  seen  her  glide,  like  an  avenging  Fury,  after 
a  victim.  There  was  always  a  battle-royal  in  the  hall  sub 
sequently.  We  shall  not  readily  forget  her  fury  at  being 
denominated  a  "  Billingsgate"  on  one  of  these  occasions. 
fit  were  unreasonable,  however,  to  blame  her  for  having 
a  sharp  eye  to  the  main  chance.  Boarding-House  keepers, 
in  general,  fully  earn  their  gains,  and  many  lodgers  require 
looking  after.  Meantime  our  present  Establishment  is  a 
thriving  one,  and  it  is  whispered  that  our  landlady  and 
her  husband  have  had  conferences  on  the"  question  of  re 
tiring  to  the  country. 

In  which  case  what  is  to  become  of  our  Philadelphian? 


CHAPTER  V. 


THE   FASHIONABLE   BOARDING-HOUSE     WHERE   YOU   DON'T 
GET   ENOUGH   TO   EAT. 


is  a  stylish  mansion  of  free 
stone,  in  a  patrician  neigh 
borhood,  not  far  from  the 
pleasant  vicinity  of  Wash 
ington-square.  Its  interior 
decorations  are  of  that  pe 
culiar  French  -  New  -  York 
order  which  displays  more  of  gilding  than  good  taste, 
and  more  of  plate-glass  than  either ;  its  furniture  is 
showy  but  fragile,  and  its  domestic  conveniences  include, 
of  course,  "  all  the  modern  improvements." 

Madame,  the  proprietress — she  prefers  being  addressed 
by  that  title  (and  if  you  can  do  it  with  outre  French  ac-* 
cent  so  much  the  better) — has  been  a  handsome  woman 
in  her  day,  and  unwilling  to  relinquish  pretensions  to  the 
character,  now  resorts  to  art  to  sustain  it.  She  never  ad 
vertises  for  boarders,  considering  it  low,  and  relying  en 
tirely  on  her  private  connection.  You  are  received,  if  an 
applicant,  much  after  a  fashion  described  in  our  second 
chapter,  being,  however,  ushered  into  the  sitting  room  by 
a  colored  boy,  (than  whom  no  "  hand"  on  a  slave  planta- 


-NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  41 

tion  could  be  more  arbitrarily  drilled),  and  his  mistress 
generally  appears  in  a  robe-de-chambre^  with  a  blase  look, 
and  artificial  flowers  in  her  hair.  She  is  particular  in  her 
inquiries  as  to  your  position,  profession,  and  references. 
It  always  happens  that  there  is  but  one  room  vacant — in 
consequence  (as  she  incidentally  informs  you)  of  its  recent 
occupant  leaving  for  a  tour  in  Europe.  And  in  all  proba 
bility  her  daughters  will  chance  to  drop  in  in  the  course 
of  the  interview,  when  you  are  accorded  the  favor  of  an 
immediate  introduction.  They  are  two  dashing,  showy 
girls,  rather  good-looking,  and  very  brightly  dressed — a 
little  more  so  than  is  consistent  with  morning  costume. 
Your  reception  is  a  gracious  one,  but  the  ladies  presently 
diverge  into  a  side  conversation,  evolving  an  awful  famili 
arity  with  Knickerbocker  names.  It  inevitably  occurs  that 

they  have  just  returned  from  one  of  Mrs. 's  "  caudle 

receptions"  on  the  Fifth  Avenue — which  fact,  on  a  six 
months'  repetition,  is  suggestive  of  a  most  melancholy 
state  of  health  on  the  part  of  the  lady,  and  a  sad  look-out 
on  that  of  her  husband.  On  expressing  your  intention  of 
becoming  an  inmate  of  the  Establishment — which  Madame 
listens  to  with  an  air  indicative  of  hope  that  you  will  prove 
worthy  of  the  privilege — you  learn  that  it  has  an  especial 
boot-black,  with  whom  you  're  expected  to  make  a  private 
arrangement ;  and  are  mildly,  but  firmly,  requested  not  to 
bring  your  baggage  in  a  cart. 

If  you  're  a  very  young  man,  you  congratulate  yourself 
on  the  prospect — perhaps  indulge  in  a  few  roseate  visions 
in  which  those  brilliant  young  ladies  especially  figure — 
and  move  in  accordingly.  And,  certainly,  you  will  have 
no  cause  for  complaint  on  the  score  of  lack  of  courtesy  or 
assumption  of  aristocratic  exclusiveness.  That  pervades 
every  thing.  The  arrangements  are  as  elegant  as  a  dish 
of  trifle  or  blanc  mange — and  as  unsatisfactory. 


42  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

Your  chamber — in  which  you  are  requested  "not  to 
wash  wide,"  to  smoke,  or  to  rub  matches  against  the 
walls — is  very  neat  and  cleanly,  and  pretty  well  furnished, 
but  the  three  chairs  are  of  such  brittle  construction  that 
you  would  as  soon  think  of  sitting  upon  them  as  upon  spun- 
glass,  and  instinctively  speculate  as  to  what  you  '11  have 
to  pay  for  breakage.  But  had  you  as  many  hands  as 
Briareus,  and  wanted  to  wash  them  every  half  hour,  you 
could  n't  be  better  supplied  with  towels.  There  are  also 
dainty  little  bits  of  crochet- work  under  the  soap  dish,  and 
tumblers,  and  a  big  china  slop-jar — we  don't  know  the 
French  equivalent,  or  wouldn't  horrify  the  reader  by 
using  such  a  vulgar  word.  The  bed  is  small  and  snow- 
white — like  a  snow-drift  on  a  child's  grave.  In  winter  it 
has  fewer  blankets  on  than  is  desirable. 

You  are  not  rung  to  meals  by  a  bell,  as  in  vulgar 
Boarding-Houses.  The  colored  boy  taps  at  your  door  at 
9  A.M.,  and  deferentially  informs  you  that  breakfast  is 
ready.  On  descending,  you  find  the  gentlemen  boarders 
in  dressing-gowns  with  ropes  like  bell-pulls,  and  the 
ladies  in  elegant  robes-de-chambre,  with  artful  contriv 
ances  of  lace  about  their  heads  and  busts.  Severally, 
they  accord  you  a  gracious  good-morning  as  you  glide  to 
the  seat  which  Madame9  s  gesture  indicates,  remove  your 
napkin  from  its  ring  and  spread  it  over  your  knees  in 
preparation.  The  ladies  are  very  lively  and  chatty,  espe 
cially  the  younger  one — so  much  so,  indeed,  that  a  cynic 
might  suspect  the  existence  of  a  design  to  keep  the 
boarders'  jaws  otherwise  employed  than  on  the  breakfast, 
which  is  light,  tasty,  and  unsubstantial.  There  are  very 
small  mutton-chops,  pates,  nick-nacks,  and  French  bread 
and  coffee — made  also  d  la  Franpaise.  Each  dish  is  ex 
tinguished  under  a  gorgeous  cover  of  German  silver,  with 
which  material  the  table  is  generally  resplendent.  You 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING- HOUSES.  43 

can  read  the  papers,  if  you  like,  during  the  progress  of  the 
meal,  and  that  without  being  thought  ill-bred.  Madame 
is  a  subscriber  to  the  Courier  and  Enquirer^  the  Herald, 
Times,  and  Home  Journal,  the  two  last  being  the  favor 
ites  of  the  ladies.  The  Herald  is  generally  depreciated 
by  them,  but  can  not  be  dispensed  with  on  account  of  its 
winter  reports  of  upper-ten  balls  and  summer  correspond 
ence  from  watering-places ;  their  knowledge  of  the  fash 
ionable  world  enabling  them  to  explain  the  initials,  and 
fill  up  the  dashes  by  which  the  names  of  its  inhabitants 
are  half-chronicled.  Madame  also  reads  the  Churchman 
— as  a  matter  of  duty.  She  is  strictly  orthodox,  and  a 
regular  attendant  at  Grace  Church. 

Lunch,  consisting  of  pie,  delicate  shavings  of  cold 
meat,  and  coffee,  is  served  at  1  P.M.,  and  dinner  at  6. 
This  meal  invariably  comprises  five  courses,  commencing 
with  thin,  whi^y-brown  soup,  and  concluding  with  dessert, 
of  which  water-melons  form  the  staple  in  summer,  and 
frosted  apples  in  winter.  The  ladies  now  appear  in  very 
full-dress,  and  are  fragrant  with  eau  de  Cologne,  frangi- 
panni,  jockey-dub,  or  otto  of  roses ;  while  the  more 
magnificently  got-up  gentlemen  sport  lace  shirt-fronts  and 
wristlets,  resembling  the  ornamental  paper  one  sees  on 
French  plum-boxes.  As  at  breakfast,  the  meal  is  seasoned 
by  much  animated  conversation,  the  ladies  doing  their 
full  share.  All  carving  is  performed  at  a  side-table  by  a 
darkey  of  butler-like  aspect,  who  produces  remarkably 
small,  thin  slices,  which  are  conveyed  to  your  left  side  by 
the  colored  boy.  If  you  are  at  all  absent-minded,  6r  not 
specially  intent  upon  your  plate,  it  (with  the  contents)  is 
very  apt  to  be  whisked  away  by  the  last-mentioned  youth, 
in  obedience  to  strict,  but  privately-issued,  instructions. 
And,  considering  the  fascinations  of  the  young  ladies, 


44 


THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

ill1'  * 


there  is  great  risk  of  this.  "We  have  seen  no  less  than 
three  successive  plates  reft  from  a  hungry  boarder,  who 
lacked  moral  courage  to  remonstrate.  He  went  out  sub 
sequently  and  had  a  porter-house  steak  at  a  Broadway 
restaurant. 

Entrees,  side-dishes,  and  French  cookery  in  general, 
preponderate  over  joints,  but  there  are  plenty  of  artifi 
cial  flowers  and  iced-water.  The  pastry  is  of  the  lightest 
consistency  and  most  delicate  construction,  and  you  are 
helped  to  bits  shaped  like  an  attenuated  triangle.  A  cup 
or  two  of  green,  and  very  weak  tea,  served  in  the  adjoin 
ing  parlor,  after  the  lapse  of  half  an  hour,  concludes  the 
repast. 

The  boarders,  like  the  Establishment,  are  eminently 
genteel.  At  the  time  of  our  sojourn  they  were  very 
much  as  follows :  Two  superannuated  bank  clerks,  a 
stock-broker,  three  or  four  Cubans,  an  old  major  who  had 
been  in  the  Canadian  army,  a  fast  young  Southerner  from 
South  Carolina,  a  London  architect,  and  a  crockery  and 
China  merchant  from  Canal-street.  This  last  was  an  ob 
liging  individual,  very  much  alive  to  the  inferiority  of  his 
social  position  and  the  privilege  of  being  admitted  to  such 
aristocratic  society.  He  received  the  rallyings  of  the 
young  ladies  and  their  playful  allusions  to  "the  shop" 


NEW    YOKK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  45 

with  much  humility  and  good-humor,  and  we  suspect  him 
of  secretly  admiring  one  of  them.  Madame  made  him 
useful  in  many  ways.  When  it  became  desirable  to  snub 
any  boarder,  he  (the  crockery  merchant)  was  put  into  the 
position  of  the  offender,  after  the  flogging  ~boy  system 
once  pursued  in  the  education  of  young  princes,  by  which 
they  took  their  flagellations  by  deputy.  As  witness  the 
following  instance.  The  Cubans  would  smoke  in  their 
chambers,  disregarding  the  injunction  that  confined  that 
indulgence  to  a  balcony  in  the  rear  of  the  dining-room. 

So  Mr. ,  to  whom  the  slightest  whiff  of  tobacco  was 

productive  of  great  intestinal  discommotion,  was  severely 
cautioned  "not  to  do  that  again,"  and  informed  that  if  he 
must  have  his  horrid  cigars,  he  'd  better  smoke  'em  at  the 
store,  down  town. 

Each  of  the  young  ladies  has  her  part,  and  admirably 
does  she  play  up  to  it.  The  elder,  who  is  one-and-lwenty, 
affects  the  sentimental  and  literary,  occasionally  flavoring 
it  by  a  dash  of  piety.  She  admires  Longfellow,  Holmes, 
and  Tupper,  and  looks 
upon  Willis  as  a  fallen 
angel.  The  younger 
(who  is  about  eight 
een)  aspires  to  the 
character  of  a  fast 
young  lady,  is  partic-  ^A-  V 

k- 

ing,  thinks  sleighing 
"first-rate  fun,"  and 
adores  Mr.  Wallack 

Lester  (which  amiable  weakness,  by-the-by,  is  not  uncom 
mon  with  up-town  young  ladies).  She  aims,  too,  at  smart 
ness  in  conversation,  and  brilliancy  of  repartee,  principally 
at  the  expense  of  weak-minded  or  unguarded  persons,  for 


46  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

whom  she  sets  little  pit-falls — as  thus.  You  hear  her  as 
sert  strong  distaste  for  some  book,  tune,  fashion,  etc. — 
being  the  very  reverse  of  former  professions.  You  inno 
cently  express  surprise,  commencing  with  the  fatal  words, 

"  I  thought — "  When  Miss immediately  breaks  in 

upon  the  sentence,  exclaiming,  with  great  vivacity,  "  O, 

Mr.  ,  it  don't  do  always  to  trust  one's  thoughts ! 

I  thought,  at  first,  you  were  very  clever  and  amusing — 
and  you  >re  not  /"  Upon  which  you  are  supposed  to  be 
crushed  for  the  rest  of  the  evening.  This  lady's  fascina- 
tipns  are  brought  to  bear  on  the  younger  of  the  bachelor 
boarders,  and  two  of  the  Cubans  are  desperately  in  love 
with  her.  Her  sister  devotes  herself  to  the  seniors,  and 
we  incline  to  the  supposition  that  she  will,  in  the  long 
run — after  she  has  sufficiently  humiliated  him — marry  the 
crockery  merchant. 

Both  the  young  ladies  and  their  mother  come  out  in 
great  force  in  the  evenings.  She  does  not  pretend  to 
music,  but  they  both  play  and  sing,  after  due  solicitation. 
Conversation  turns  mostly  on  the  newest  novel,  fashion,  or 
marriage,  and  THE  OPERA.  There  is  also  another  topic — 
next  door.  Madame  has  a  standing  feud  with  one  of  her 
neighbors,  who  attempts  to  depreciate  her  as  the  keeper 
of  a  Boarding-House.  She  wiU  "  reckon  up"  their  origin  for 
you  with  dreadful  exactness,  and  designates  them  as  low, 
stuck-up  people.  With  respect  to  her  position  in  life,  she 
feelingly  hints  that  undeserved  misfortunes  have  reduced 
her  to  it,  and  says  that  but  for  the  dear  girls  she  shouldn't 
have  thought  of  surviving  the  death  of  her  husband. 

The  reader  will  have  noticed  that  in  our  enumeration 
of  the  various  boarders  no  ladies  appear.  Madame  always 
avoids  admitting  such,  unless  old.  This,  we  think,  will  be 
found  to  be  invariably  the  case  in  all  Establishments  where 
there  are  unmarried  daughters,  and  for  double  reasons. 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-  HOUSES.  47 

In  the  first  place,  it  is  desirable  to  avoid  risk  of  counter 
attractions,  in  the  second  place,  ladies  are  apt  to  observe 
each  other  too  much  and  too  closely.  The  many  little 
dodges  which  to  the  thick  sight  of  man  are  invisible,  lie 
quite  open  to  the  quick  eye  of  woman. 

Yet  we  do  recollect  a  lady-boarder,  too.  But  she  was 
old,  rich,  and  had  a  son,  whom  the  younger  daughter  did 
especially  favor.  He,  a  mild  youth,  addicted  to  playing 
on  the  flute,  used  to  collect  the  rents  of  various  tenement 
houses,  owned  by  his  mother  (and  sometimes  came  home 
with  black-eyes  in  consequence).  This  lady  and  her  son, 
may,  with  one  of  the  elderly  stock-brokers,  have  claimed 
this  title  of  Pet-Boarders.  (We  shall  have  much  to  say  of 
the  species  hereafter.)  He  was  a  fussy  old  boy  of  sixty, 
accustomed  to  diluting  the  editorials  of  the  Courier  and 
Enquirer  and  delivering  them  in  an  oracular  manner  as  his 
opinions  over  the  dinner-table.  His  linen  was  very  par 
ticularly  cared  for,  and  the  young  ladies  marked  his  shirts 
and  pocket  handkerchiefs  with  their  own  fair  hands. 

During  the  summer  season,  the  blinds  in  the  front  of 
the  house  are  kept  scrupulously  closed,  and  every  thing 
done  to  give  it  an  "  out  of  town"  look.  If  the  ladies  stir 
abroad  it  is  at  early  morning,  or  late  at  night,  and  then 
so  limp  in  figure,  and  disguised  in  aspect  that  you  would 
scarcely  recognize  them.  But,  for  the  most  part,  they  con 
fine  themselves  to  back  rooms,  Madame  even  discarding 
the  basement,  which  is  her  place  of  business,  wiiere  trades 
people  wait  upon  her,  have  their  bills  severely  scrutinized, 
and  occasionally  are  brought  up  sharp  about  overcharges. 

The  boarders'  payments  are  monthly.  You  find  a  small 
billet  in  a  delicate  envelope,  directed  in  an  angular  Italian 
hand,  stuck  in  the  looking-glass,  and  containing  your  bill 
— always  on  the  morning  before  it  is  due.  And,  if  a  week 
elapse  without  payment,  you  discover  a  remarkable  change 


48 


NEW    YORK     BO  AEDING-HOUSES. 


in  the  demeanor  of  the  young  ladies  toward  you.  They 
will  become  quite  cool,  absolutely  Arctic.  Madame  is 
not  accustomed  to  admitting  arrears.  She  tells  the  crock 
ery  merchant  that  she  never  has  boarders  who  don't  pay 
punctually.  If  you  would  develop  her  displeasure  still 
further,  only  spill  a  cup  of  coffee  on  the  clean  table 
cloth. 

A  ball  celebrates  each  anniversary  of  the  opening  of  her 
Establishment,  when  there  is  a  great  display  of  dancing, 
lemonade,  candies,  bon-bons,  ginger  wine,  and  artificial 
flowers.  Most  of  the  ladies  invited  are  ugly,  and  "  dear 
friends"  of  her  daughters.  They  are  recommended  to  you 
with  charming  cordiality,  as  most  excellent,  intellectual 
girls.  (And,  by  the  way,  we  never  knew  an  ugly  woman 
who  was?i)t  excellent,  or  intellectual.)  On  these  occasions 
the  arbiter  of  fashion,  the  janitor  of  upper  tendom,  the 
sexton  of  Grace  Church — in  a  word,  the  great  BKOWN  is  in 
the  ascendant.  He  is  a  friend  of  Madame' >s. 

And  thus,  in  her  glory,  we  leave  her. 


CHAPTER   VI. 


THE  DIRTY   BOAKDING-HOUSE. 

ERE  we  simply  guided  by 
our  own  inclinations, 
it  is  more  than  prob 
able  that  we  should 
blink  the  responsibil 
ity  of  writing  this 
chapter.  We  don't 
affect  to  despise  that 
respectable  proverb 
which  asserts  that  no 
body  can  touch  pitch  without  being  denied.  But  in  our 
capacity  of  pen-and-ink  photographist,  we  can  not  afford 
to  ignore  the  existence  of  the  Dirty  Boarding-House. 
Our  book  would  be  incomplete  without  it.  Having  no 
choice,  then,  but  to  proceed,  we  do  so — premising  that 
the  reader  shall  not  be  detained  longer  than  is  neces 
sary  within  the  uncleanly  Establishment  we  select  as  an 
extreme  type  of  a  class  of  dwellings  which  are  only  too 
numerous. 

It  is  a  dingy,  narrow-fronted,  three-story  edifice,  in  a 
mean  street  on  the  east  side  of  the  town,  within  two  doors 
of  one  of  our  busiest  thoroughfares.  Its  mistress,  a  lady 
of  Irish  extraction,  has  retained,  in  full  perfection,  that 
lively  antipathy  to  soap  and  water  characteristic  of  her 

3 


50  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

nationality.  Her  husband  is  a  policeman.  And  six  or 
seven  ubiquitous  children  impart  the  reverse  of  gladness 
to  their  mutual  household. 

Mrs. 's  hydrophobia  is  equally  manifest  in  her  per 
son,  children,  and  Establishment — the  former  being  large, 
loose,  oleaginous  and  black-worsted-stockinged ;  the 
second,  unkempt,  inodorous,  and  ragged ;  and  the  three 
emphatically  dirty.  Her  hair  is  red,  and  coiffe  d  la 
horsetail.  Her  dress  favors  the  spectator  with  glimpses 
of  her  stays.  She  has  a  generally  un-tied5  stringy,  down- 
at-heel-and-go-to-bed-with-her-clothes-on  aspect.  No  good 
man  could  look  at  her  without  a  wish  to  put  her  under  a 
pump.  Which  would  be  also  his  impulse  with  respect  to 
the  children. 

Their  ages  range  from  three  months  to  eight  years,  the 
minors  being  vociferous  twins.  Their  affections  are  con 
fined  to  dirt-pies,  candies,  dead  cats,  and  the  gutters  of 
the  vicinity.  It  is  difficult  to  avoid  treading  on  them  as 
you  mount  the  staircase,  which  is  generally — if  we  may 
be  allowed  the  expression — in  a  squirmy  condition. 

The  premises  are  of  peculiar  construction.  A  little 
dry-goods  establishment,  having  no  connection  with  them, 
occupies  the  lower  story ;  ascent  to  the  upper  rooms  being 
gained  by  the  narrow  and  excessively  dirty  staircase  just 
alluded  to.  These  extend  over  a  boot-store  in  the  adja 
cent  thoroughfare,  as  we  discovered  on  the  first  night  of 
our  sojourn  hi  the  Dirty  Boarding-House.  We  were 
then  inducted  into  a  small  room,  very  like  the  interior  of  a 
collapsed  diving-bell.  It  had  no  particular  shape,  and  but 
one  window,  which  was  hermetically  fastened,  and  looked 
into  a  sort  of  shaft,  covered  at  top  by  a  cucumber-frame 
skylight  for  the  purpose  of  illuminating  the  premises  be 
low.  Opposite  us,  in  an  apartment  of  similar  construction, 
we  remarked  that  two  of  the  window-panes  had  been  re- 


NEW    YOKK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  51 

moved — possibly  for  ventilation — 
thus  allowing  one  of  the  occupants 
an  opportunity  of  sticking  his  feet 
through,  and  going  to  sleep  in  that 
position.  We  thought  of  plagiar 
izing  the  idea — it  was  in  July — 
but  were  doubtful  as  to  the  result. 
Our  neighbors — two  rough,  good-humored  laboring- 
men,  sometimes  played  the  banjo,  and  sometimes  fought 
in  bed.  They  also  sent  the  landlady's  eldest  son  out 
for  beer,  and  generously  invited  us  to  partake  ;  bringing 
it  into  our  chamber  at  midnight,  in  a  ewer.  And  once 
they  made  our  room-mate  drunk  on  New  England  rum 
with  tobacco  in  it.  He  was  a  remarkably  ugly  boy,  the 
expression  of  whose  countenance  could  only  be  compared 
to  that  of  a  bilious  codfish  attempting  to  swallow  a  can 
non  ball.  He  used  to  make  himself  ill  in  attempting  to 
smoke  strong  cigars,  and,  at  first,  manifested  an  inclination 
to  become  unpleasantly  confidential  on  the  subject  of  his 
"busts."  He  received  our  advice — to  confine  his  in 
dulgences  to  pea-nuts  and  the  Bowery  pit — with  indig 
nation. 

Heat  and  insect  phlebotomists — after  four  nights'  occu 
pancy  of  this  apartment — effected  our  removal  to  another. 
This  was  a  little  room  over  the  passage,  which  had  been 
white- washed  no  later  than  three  years  ago ;  and  where 
we  had  the  unshared  privilege  of  feeding  myriads  of 
creeping  carnivori.  We  never  saw  "Red  Rovers"  in 
such  profusion  or  of  equal  ferocity.  They  would  have 
reduced  a  Daniel  Lambert. to  an  anatomical  preparation  in 
the  course  of  one  summer.  We  soon  learnt  why  the  old 
English  poets  made  the  devil  lord  of  insects.  "  Ne'er  a 
king's  son  in  Christendom  could  be  better  bitten."  We 
were  spotted  all  over  like  a  leopard,  and  had  to  go  to  sleep 


52  TIIE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

with  a  lamp  and  matches  by  our  bed-side ;  waking  up, 
regularly,  to  half  hourly  battues — or,  rather,  to  explosive 
and  inodorous  cremations.  Of  the  size  of  these  vampires 
our  readers  may  form  some  idea  by  the  fact  that  there  was 
an  awful  legend  current  among  the  boarders,  that  the 
crystal  of  a  watch  had  been  broken  by  an  elderly  bed-bug 
tumbling  upon  it ! 

If  the  speculative  question  propounded  by  Lowell's 
Parson  Wilbur — whether  Noah  was  justified  in  preserv 
ing  this  portion  of  the  animal  tribe — had  been  submitted 
to  the  inmates  of  the  Dirty  Boarding-House,  we  are  con 
fident  that  a  most  emphatic  negative  would  have  been 
rendered !  The  opinion  of  the  learned  Italian  Jesuit 
Giulio  Cordara  (so  complimentary  to  Providence) — that 
insects  did  n't  exist  in  Paradise,  but  were  created  subse 
quent  to  the  fall,  for  the  especial  annoyance  of  mankind — 
might  have  been  received  with  favor. 

Bed-making  was  performed  at  any  hour  from  3  to  7 
p.  M.,  by  a  relative  of  the  landlady's,  who  also  officiated 
as  cook  and  general  attendant.  One  room,  extending 
from  front  to  rear,  over  the  dry-goods  store,  served  as 
parlor,  kitchen,  and  dining-room.  A  big,  white  screen 
concealed  the  culinary  department  from  general  observa 
tion,  behind  which — judging  from  auricular-olfactory  tes 
timony — was  a  mixed-up  arrangement  of  pots  and  pans, 
babies,  crockery,  cradles,  cooking-stoves,  and  blankets. 
We  believe  the  landlady,  her  husband,  children  and  ser 
vant  slept  there.  In  the  public  half  the  boarders  used  to 
divert  themselves  by  killing  cock-roaches  of  evenings. 

The  diet  provided  at  the  Dirty  Boarding-House  was 
plentiful,  though  porky — swine's  flesh  forming  its  staple. 
Porgies — purchased  in  their  decadence  from  perambula- 
tory  fish-vendors — sometimes  varied  this  anti-Hebraical 


NEW    YORK     BOAEDING-H  OUSES.  53 

peculiarity.  The  coffee  tasted  like  diluted  molasses,  fla 
vored  with  roast  peas,  chicory,  Flanders-brick,  and  dirt. 
The  hashes  were  tallowy.  The  buckwheat  cakes  partook 
equally  of  the  characteristics  of  flannel  and  gutta-percha — 
and  sometimes  had  insects  (known  as  Croton-water  bugs) 
in  them.  But  pork  was  the  universal  dish.  Every  body  was 
over-porked.  Boarders  had  rashes  brought  out  upon  them 
in  consequence,  and  we  remember  one  consulting  a  doctor 
under  the  impression  that  he  had  contracted  varioloid. 

There  might  have  been  a  dozen  boarders.  The  aristo 
crats  of  the  place  were  a  dispensary  doctor  (who  generally 
fuddled  himself  on  Monday  morning,  and  continued  in 
that  condition  until  Saturday  night);  a  dry-goods  clerk 
from  the  store  below ;  and  a  young  man  engaged  in  the 
wholesale  fish-exporting  business,  down-town.  The  latter 
used  to  perfume  the  room  with  a  bouquet  de  salt-mackerel. 
Another  boarder  aspired  to  the  position  of  Pet,  and  was 
hated  by  the  rest  because  he  brought  home  butter  of  an 
athletic  description,  as  an  equivalent  for  his  entertain 
ment  ;  also — it  was  said — cheating  the  landlady  by  alter 
ing  the  weight-mark  on  the  top  of  the  firkin.  Injustice, 
however,  be  it  remarked,  that  he  could  eat  of  it  at  table. 
He  even  professed  to  like  it. 

The  "  peck  of  dirt"  assigned  by  an  unpleasant  proverb  to 
every  member  of  the  human  family,  as  part  of  his  inevitable 
aliment,  might  have  been  disposed  of  in  a  very  short  time 
at  the  Dirty  Boarding-House.  The  landlady  didn't  waste 
time  in  washing  plates,  dishes,  and  other  gastronomic  uten 
sils,  an/1  a  sediment  of  a  week's  antiquity  often  collected 
in  the  bottoms  of  the  pitchers.  The  knives  and  forks 
were  picturesque  and  various  in  size 
and  pattern,  the  backs  of  the  former 
having  been  worn  into  a  keen  edge,  and 
most  of  the  latter  owning  broken,  dis- 


54  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OP 

torted  prongs,  and  revolving  handles.  Some  had  been  re 
paired  with  putty,  which  came  off  in  use.  (This  applies  also 
to  the  plates.)  The  cruets  stood  awry,  and  were  destitute 
of  stoppers  (which  might  account  for  the  presence  of  hairs 
and  crumbs  in  the  ketchup).  It  was  advisable  to  scrape 
the  surface  of  the  salt  before  chipping  a  lit  out  for  use. 
The  table-cloth  resembled  a  map  of  the  United  States,  in 
consequence  of  the  many  parti-colored  stains  ornamenting 
it.  We  believe  it  was  reversed — once  a  fortnight. 

The  like  stoical  indifference,  amounting  almost  to  sub 
limity,  to  what  ordinary  mortals  affect  to  consider  the  de 
cencies  of  daily  life,  exhibited  itself  in  other  particulars. 
In  bed-making,  one  sheet  only  was  changed  at  a  time,  and 
many  of  the  blankets  had  large  gaps  in  what  ought  to 
have  been  their  centers — admirably  adapting  them  to 
summer  use.  We  incline  to  the  belief  that  the  towels 
(originally  constructed  from  ancient  coffee-bags)  were 
washed  but  once  a  year,  though  the  ingenious  expedient 
of  shifting  them  from  room  to  room  slightly  disguised 
this  fact,  or  invested  it  with  the  charm  of  novelty.  So 
seldom  was  broom  or  brush  used  in  our  apartment,  that 
on  our  shedding  a  shirt-button,  it  lay  undisturbed  beside 
the  wrashing-stand  until  rendered  invisible  by  the  fine  coat 
ing  of  dust  which  successive  weeks  deposited  upon  it. 
And  this,  too,  in  spite  of  the  servant's  passion  for  keeping 
windows  closed.  She  and  her  mistress  had  as  great  an 
aversion  to  fresh  air  as  to  water.  There  was  always  an 
atmosphere  of  the  night  Before  last  in  the  dining-room. 

The  landlord — a  man  with  a  face  like  a  dyspeptic  bull 
dog — we  saw  very  little  of.  He  used  to  come  home  at 
all  hours  of  the  day  and  night,  and  generally  went  imme 
diately  to  bed  (behind  the  screen),  though  sometimes  he 
might  be  observed  lingering  about  the  entry,  or  a  low 
groggery  at  the  corner  of  the  block.  On  these  occa- 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  55 

sions  he  was  often  accompanied  by  an  individual  possess 
ing  the  most  unmistakably  rascally  face  we  had  ever 
looked  upon.  Let  our  readers  picture  to  themselves  a 
hybrid  between  an  ourang-outang  and  a  hyena,  and  it  will 
give  them  some  idea  of  his  countenance.  Subsequently 
we  learned  that  the  fellow  was  a  Tombs  lawyer,  which,  in 
a  manner,  justified  his  physiognomy. 

Boarders  were  expected  to  pay  up  promptly  in  the 
Dirty  Establishment.  We  remember  a  row  occurring  at 
breakfast,  on  the  occasion  of  a  defaulter  taking  his  seat 
before  settling  for  the  past  week.  After  much  verbal 
profanity  on  both  sides,  the  policeman  attempted  to  eject 
his  lodger,  seizing  him  by  the  hair  of  his  head  for  that 
purpose.  They  tumbled  down  stairs  together,  and  into  a 
fight  at  the  bottom.  Our  landlord  had  the  worst  of  it, 
nor  was  he  rescued  from  his  antagonist  until  his  wife  and 
the  servant  came  to  his  assistance.  The  nose  of  the  latter 
young  lady  sustained  some  injury  in  the  conflict,  and 
resembled  a  damaged  tomato  for  three  days  afterward. 

This  damsel  (who  was  much  horrified  on  the  above 
occasion,  by  the  doctor's  proposition  to  amputate  her 
proboscis)  might  have  been  selected  as  the  extreme  type 
of  objectionable  Biddyness.  She  never  took  oif  her 
clothes,  washed  or  combed  herself,  or  went  out  of  doors. 
Her  intellect  was  not  equal  to  the  comprehension  of  a 
simple  request,  and  repetition  confused  her.  You  might 
have  sown  potatoes  in  her  brogue,  it  was  so  thick.  She 
would  have  been  perfectly  contented  on  an  exclusive  diet 
of  the  skins  of  her  national  vegetable,  and  tobacco.  She 
had  but  a  limited  idea  of  cause  and  effect.  We  have  seen 
her  fill  a  stove  with  big  lumps  of  anthracite,  and  apply  a 
solitary  match  to  the  bottom  for  the  purpose  of  producing 
ignition  :  have  known  her  to  trim  a  lamp  with  vinegar — 
or  what  passed  for  it  (diluted  vitriol)  in  the  Dirty  Board- 


50 


THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 


ing  House.  An  unfortunate  partiality  for  smoking  often 
brought  her  within  danger  of  extempore  and  involun 
tary  Sutteeisni)  as  she 
was  frequently  discover 
ed  in  a  state  of  slow 
combustion,  in  conse 
quence  of  the  presence  of 
unextinguished  pipes  in 
her  pocket.  "We  put  her 
out,  once,  with  the  con 
tents  of  a  slop-pail.  (It 
did  n't  make  her  dirtier.) 
Also  she  had  several  nar 
row  escapes  from  blowing 
herself  up  with  camphene, 
which,  we  doubt  not,  she 
will  finally  effect.  We  shall  read  of  it  in  the  papers  some 
day. 

In  the  ceiling  of  the  room  overlooking  the  adjoining 
thoroughfare — a  large  one  containing  four  beds — there 
was  a  trap-door,  affording  egress  on  to  the  roof.  Here,  on 
summer  nights,  the  boarders  would  assemble,  in  their  shirt 
sleeves,  to  indulge  in  beer  and  short  pipes — occasionally 
varying  those  contemplative  enjoyments  by  pelting  the 
cats,  with  which  the  neighboring  roofs  abounded.  Once 
they  borrowed  a  fowling-piece,  which,  being  loaded  with 
small  shot,  brought  many  feline  flirtations  to  a  tragic  con 
clusion.*  The  victims,  if  obtainable,  were  generally  dropped 
down  their  owners'  chimneys.  This  subsequently  led  to  a 
discontinuance  of  the  practice.  Another  amusement,  in 
troduced  by  the  doctor,  met  with  great  favor.  It  con 
sisted  in  standing  at  a  window  on  Sunday  afternoons,  and 
dazzling  the  eyes  of  pedestrians  or  occupants  of  opposite 
houses,  with  the  reflection  produced  by  agitating  a  look- 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 


57 


ing-glass.  A  gaunt  carpenter  and  his  wife  (Spiritualists) 
actually  invited  a  roomful  of  friends  to  witness  this  in 
scrutable  phenomena,  when,  unhappily,  the  secret  was 
discovered  in  consequence  of  over-zeal  on  the  part  of  the 
operators.  No  less  than  six  mirrors,  at  an  equal  number 
of  windows,  were  in  use  on  that  occasion. 

Such  were  the  diversions,  and  such  our  experience  of  a 
Dirty  Boarding-House.  May  the  reader  never  have  to 
reside  in  one ! 


CHAPTER   YII. 

THE  "HAND-TO-MOUTH"  BOARDING-HOUSE. 


HIS  Establishment  stands  in 
one  of  those  shabby  thorough 
fares  which  the  extension  of 
Canal-street  is  rapidly  improv 
ing  off  the  face  of  New  York. 
It  is  a  frame  house,  and  like 
its  mistress,  of  forlorn  and 
pinched-up  aspect,  both  having 
seen  better  days.  Like  her, 
too,  it  has  sometimes  made 
attempts  to  brighten  up  a 
little,  and  show  a  cheery  face 
to  the  world — and  looked  more  dismal  for  the  failure. 

Miss is  a  maiden  lady,  so  palpably  past  the  merid 
ian  of  life,  that  she  does  not  attempt  to  deny  it.  Her  face 
is  thin  and  withered,  and  two  long,  hay-colored  curls  de 
pend  mournfully  on  either  side  of  it.  Her  figure  is  so  de 
void  of  symmetry,  that,  but  for  her  countenance,  you 
would  be  in  doubt  as  to  which  side  of  her  you  were  stand 
ing.  She  does  not  dress  herself  tastefully.  Every  wray 
she  is  a  plain,  unpicturesque  old  maid — just  such  a  one  as 
young  ladies  are  prone  to  favor  with  valentines  represent 
ing  witch-like  harridans  on  broomsticks,  or  surrounded  by 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  59 

attendant  familiars,  in  the  shapes  of  cats,  parrots,  and 
devils. 

She  has  kept  a  Boarding-House  for  upward  of  twenty 
years,  but  it  has  scarcely  returned  the  compliment.  For 
twice  that  time  her  industry  has  failed  to  lift  her  above  the 
dread  of  to-morrow.  That  she  works  hard,  her  bony 
hands  attest — that  she  rises  early,  the  Irish  servant-girl 
often  grumblingly  avows — that  the  dietary  and  domestic 
arrangements  are  needlessly  expensive,  the  boarders  would 
indignantly  deny — yet  it  is  certain  that  Miss is  al 
ways  a  little  in  arrears  with  the  world — of  all  creditors  the 
most  unmerciful,  and  the  surest  to  take  interest  out  of  its 
debtors  in  a  disagreeable  manner. 

Her  house,  described  in  the  Sun  (to  which  entertaining 
journal  she  is  a  subscriber)  as  containing  "  genteel  apart 
ments  within  five  minutes'  walk  of  Broadway,"  comprises 
half-a-dozen  indifferently-furnished  rooms,  exclusive  of  the 
parlor  and  kitchen.  The  former  of  these  has  a  threadbare, 
but  miraculously-darned  carpet,  a  sprinkling  of  feeble- 
backed  cane  chairs — which  are  very  shaky  on  their  legs — 
a  faded  sofa,  an  ancestral  rocking-chair  (with  one  of  those 
aggravating  pieces  of  clean  crochet-work  which  stick  to 
your  hair  or  tumble  off  when  you  sit  down,  spread  carefully 
over  its  top)  and  a  gaunt  piano,  which  has  not  been  tuned 
since  the  presidency  of  James  K.  Polk.  The  chambers, 
too,  are  equipped  in  an  equally  poor  manner,  but  though 
the  sheets  display  so  many  patches  as  to  impart  a  scratch 
ing  sensation  to  the  spines  of  recumbent  boarders,  no 
Broadway  dandy's  shirt-front  could  be  more  scrupulously 
washed. 

Of  course,  as  the  Establishment  is  a  cheap  one,  the 
quality  of  the  meals  furnished  is  not  of  the  first  order. 

Miss (in  common  with  the  landladies  of  most  poor 

Boarding-Houses,  and  some  well-to-do  ones),  does  her  own 


60  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

marketing,  trudging  through  rain  or  sunshine  at  early 
morning,  and  returning  with  a  heavy  basket  laden  with 
such  provisions  as  her  slender  purse  affords.  Occasionally, 
however,  she  is  unable  to  effect  this  without  debt ;  and 
complains  bitterly  (or  would  do  so,  had  any  one  the  com 
plaisance  to  listen  to  her),  that  butchers  take  advantage 
of  this,  in  supplying  inferior  meat  at  increased  prices. 
Her  groceries  are  often  purchased  in  small  quantities,  just 
enough  for  each  meal,  previous  to  which  the  servant  may 
be  seen  hurrying  from  the  corner  store,  with  a  loaf  under 
each  arm,  and  various  cone-shaped  parcels  of  coffee,  tea  or 
sugar,  wrapped  in  that  coarse  straw  paper  peculiarly  de 
voted  to  such  purposes.  Sometimes  Miss is  necessi 
tated  to  waylay  you  in  the  passage,  to  solicit  cash  advances 
on  your  week's  board,  upon  which  the  quality  of  your 
dinner  will  depend.  It  is  politic,  as  well  as  good-natured, 
to  comply,  as  you  will  thereby  secure  a  savory  dish  or  so, 
as  well  as  the  good-will  of  your  landlady. 

Sooth  to  say,  what  with  her  landlord's  regular  yearly 
demand  for  higher  rent  and  the  increasing  price  of  food, 
she  has  a  hard  time  of  it.  She  owes  her  servant  money, 
who,  consequently  brow-beats  and  defies  her,  and  invites 
muscular  Irishmen  into  the  kitchen,  with  scarcely  a  feint 
of  the  usual  apologetic  fiction,  "  Shure,  it's  me  cousin, 
mum !"  She  is  in  arrears  with  her  milkman,  who  abso 
lutely  lords  it  over  her,  and  has,  more  than  once,  cut  off 
the  supply  of  lacteal  fluid.  Her  coal  merchant  demurs 
about  bringing  a  ton  of  Red  Ash  or  Peach  Orchard — 
until  paid,  like  a  subscription  to  a  newly-started  newspaper, 
"  punctually  in  advance."  Nor  are  her  cares  and  anxieties 
particularly  lightened  by  the  comments  of  her  boarders, 
or  their  general  behavior  to  her. 

Not  that  there  is — on  the  part  of  the  male  boarders — 
any  especial  manifestation  of  want  of  feeling  and  consid- 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  61 

eration  (beyond  that  spirit  of  antagonism  we  shall  have 
occasion,  hereafter,  to  remark  as  frequently  existing  be 
tween  the  mistresses  of  these  Establishments  and  their 
lodgers).  As  is  generally  the  case,  they  are  more  un 
thinkingly  than  intentionally  unjust. 

Half  a  dozen  careless  men  (engaged  in  various  employ 
ments,  as  printers,  gilders,  clerks,  etc.),  could  scarcely  be 
expected  to  trouble  themselves  with  considerations  of  deli 
cacy  on  the  behalf  of  the  lonely  old  maid  who  contracted 
to  supply  their  necessities  of  eating,  drinking,  and  sleeping. 
So  they  grumbled  occasionally  at  the  deficiencies  at  table, 
cut  jokes  at  their  landlady's  personal  appearance  and  pre 
sumed  hopeless  aspirations  toward  matrimony,  quizzed 
her  peculiarities,  and  loaned  or  refused  her  money  with 
equal  brusquerie.  But  the  demeanor  of  the  lady-boarders 
deserves  special  mention,  as  illustrative  of  the  kindness  of 
heart  sometimes  exhibited  by  woman  toward  the  weaker 
of  their  own  sex. 

They  were  but  two  in  number,  wives  of  boarders.  Their 
leisure — that  is  to  say  the  whole  of  their  time — appeared 


to  be  divided  between  Broadway,  the  novels  of  Mr.  G. 
W.  Reynolds,  and  disquisitions  on  the  characters  of  such 


62  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

persons  as  enjoyed  the  felicity  of  their  acquaintance. 
When  they  came  down  late  to  breakfast — which  they  in 
variably  did — with  limp  figures,  hair  screwed  up  in  frag 
ments  of  last  week's  Police  Gazette,  and  similar  graceful 
deshabille — one  could  n't  help  envying  the  happiness  of 
their  husbands,  who  sewed  on  their  own  shirt-buttons,  the 
ladies  declining  such  tasks,  and,  indeed,  all  needlework, 
on  the  standing  plea  of  sickness.  One  had  a  child,  a 
puny,  weak  little  creature,  afflicted  with  water  on  the 
brain,  of  which  it  subsequently  died.  And  many  an 
evening,  when  the  "be-rouged,  \)Q-hooped,  and  "be-flounced 
mother  was  disporting  herself  at  cheap  public  balls,  did 

poor  Miss take  care  of  this  child.     When  it  died  its 

affectionate  parent  said,  "  perhaps  it  was  a  good  thing  for 
God  to  take  it."  Probably  it  was. 

But  it  was  not  to  be  expected  that  any  such  simple 
good  offices  on  the  part  of  the  landlady  could  mollify  the 
indignation  and  contempt  entertained  by  this  lady  and 
her  companion  toward  one  who  had  failed  in  that  great 
object  of  female  ambition  (in  their  eyes) — catching  a  hus 
band.  They  were  perpetually,  persistently,  and  inexorably 
down  upon  her.  All  her  shortcomings  and  piteous  shifts 
to  keep  up  appearances  were  dragged  into  light,  sneered 
at,  and  tattled  about.  They  knew  the  number  of  her 
dresses,  and  how  often  they  had  been  turned  and  dyed. 
They  forbade  their  husbands  advancing  loans  to  her,  on 
account  of  board,  or  still  more  insultingly  recommended 
it ;  subsequently  informing  every  body  of  the  obligation. 
They  were  implacable  toward  little  delays  in  the  appear 
ance  of  meals,  assuming  a  clamorous  indignation  at  their 
husbands  being  "  kept  away  from  business" — if  but  for 
ten  minutes.  They  evinced  a  preternatural  facility  of 
discovering  deteriorations  of  diet,  and  sometimes  suc 
ceeded  in  setting  the  men  grumbling.  They  indirectly 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 


63 


accused  her  of  appropriating  small  quantities  of  coal 
from  their  private  stores  to  her  own  use.  (This,  by  the 
way,  is  a  fruitful  source  of  squabbles  in  most  Boarding- 
Houses.  We  have  known  a  suspicious  individual  to 
to  sit  up  all  night  in  a  dark  cellar  in  order  to  detect 
purely  imaginary  dep 
redators.)  They  so 
badgered  and  worried 
the  servants  on  the 
question  of  having  their 
breakfasts  brought  up 
to  them  in  bed,  that 

Miss    declared, 

tearfully,  "It  was  im 
possible  to  get  a  girl  to 
stay  with  her."  They 
invented  rancorous 
slanders  about  the  lan<3(^ 
lady's  antecedents,  and 
sowed  them  broadcast 
among  her  tradesfolks. 
And,  finally,  they  af 
fected  virtuously  improper  surmises  on  her  manifesting 
emotion  at  the  receipt  of  letters  directed  in  a  masculine 
hand,  from  California.  We  believe  they  came  from  an 
only  brother  who  had  n't  behaved  very  well  to  her,  and 
had  been  exported  to  the  diggings  by  his  sister's  money. 
She  used  to  cry  a  good. deal  over  them,  and  to  sit  up  late 
in  the  back  parlor  writing  long  answers  by  the  light  of  an 

oil  lamp,  which  smelt  unpleasantly. 

******* 

Very  far  from  us  be  it  to  arraign  the  average  justice 
accorded  by  the  world  to  our  lonely  spinster,  or  to  her 
class.  The  term  "  old  maid" — ordinarily  affixed  like  a 


64  NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 

tin-kettle  to  the  tail  of  an  unoffending  animal,  to  torment 
its  bearer  and  amuse  lookers-on — could  scarcely  be  ren 
dered  less  ludicrous  or  more  endurable  by  our  champion 
ship.  Yet  it  might  be  worthy  of  inquiry  whether  a  too 
large  license  is  not  accorded  to  wives  over  their  single 
sisters.  Whether  their  whims,  oddities,  and  eccentricities 
are  not  passed  over  very  lightly,  in  comparison  with  those 
of  the  solitary  virgin  whose  temper  is  fretted  into  asperi 
ties  by  the  world's  indifference  or  contempt.  And,  finally, 
whether  some  old  maids  are  not  as  good,  kindly  and  un 
selfish  creatures  as  any  in  the  world. 

It  is  too  generally  assumed  that  unmarried  women  are 
so  compulsorily.  But  whether  this  is  the  case  or  no,  why 
should  one  sex  be  ridiculed  for  its  voluntary  or  involun 
tary  choice,  while  the  other  is  allowed  to  consult  its  selfish 
pleasure  ?  Listen  to  noble  Jean  Paul,  "  It  is  not  always 
our  duty  to  marry,  but  is  always  our  duty  to  abide  by 
right,  not  to  purchase  happiness  bf*the  loss  of  honor,  nor 

to  avoid  unweddedness  by  untruthfulness." 

******* 

With  respect  to  poor  Miss ,  we  can  only  hope  that 

the  brother  who  didn't  behave  very  well  to  her  may  have 
luck  at  the  diggings,  and  come  back  to  redeem  his  char 
acter. 


CHAPTER    YIII. 


THE    "  SERIOUS"    BOARDING-HOUSE, 


S,  though  not  within  what  were 
once  considered  the  limits  of 
upper-tendom — being  south  of 
Bleecker-street — just  on  its  an 
cient  confines.  A  plain  house 
of  somher  color,  on  the  shady 
side  of  the  way  in  the  afternoon, 
the  door  bearing  its  mistress' 
name  in  black  letters  upon  a 
square  and  brightly-polished 
brass  plate.  The  steps  are,  even 
in  winter,  kept  scrupulously 
clean,  and  the  area-gate  locked ; 
tradesfolks  being  expected  to 
ring  a  bell  especially  devoted  to 
them.  You  will  not,  in  general, 
hear  of  this  Establishment  through  the  medium  of  adver 
tisements,  neither  does  the  landlady  reply  to  any.  "  She 
is  thankful,"  she  tells  you,  "that  her  house  is  mostly  full." 
She  has  been  known,  occasionally,  to  insert  a  few  lines  in 
the  Evangelist  newspaper. 

On  applying  for  board — which,  however,  unless  you  're 
a  mildly-developed  young  man,  or  under  the  coercion  of 
severely  religious  parents,  you  're  not  at  all  likely  to  do — 


66  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OP 

expect  to  be  inducted  into  a  grim  front  parlor.  There,  you 
will  scarcely  have  time  to  observe  a  book-case  filled  with 
volumes  of  sermons  and  such  light  literature,  (which  is 
always  kept  locked,  possibly  from  motives  of  humanity,) 
half  a  dozen  strait-backed  and  very  unaccommodating  look 
ing  chairs,  a  cheerful  lithograph,  representing  a  number 
of  savages  engaged  in  knocking  a  missionary's  brains  out 
with  big  clubs,  and  badly  executed  portraits,  in  oil,  of  the 
landlady  and  her  husband,  when  the  former  appears. 
Being,  as  aforesaid,  a  mildly-developed  youth,  you  prob 
ably  have  not  read  Dickens'  David  Copperfield,  otherwise 
you  would  instinctively  jump  at  the  idea  that  Miss  Murd- 
stone  had  quarreled  with  her  amiable  brother,  emigrated 
to  New  York,  got  married,  and  set  up  as  the  keeper  of  a 
Boarding-House.  Mrs.  — - —  might,  we  are  persuaded, 
have  played  the  part  at  Burton's,  with  immense  success, 
on  the  strength  of  her  countenance  alone. 

She  receives  you  with  stony  politeness,  and  at  once 
proceeds  to  inform  you  of  the  rules  of  her  establishment ; 
characterizing  it  as  a  quiet,  Christian  one.  Cards,  latch 
keys,  reading  in  bed,  Sunday  papers,  and  smoking,  are 
prohibited.  With  respect  to  the  last-mentioned  luxuries, 
however,  she  grimly  concedes,  that  she  can't  prevent  your 
indulging  in  them  in  your  own  room — if  you  find  pleasure 
in  such  things — but,  she  adds,  she  does  n't  wish  a  bad  ex 
ample  set  to  her  young  gentlemen.  As  to  the  question  of 
latch-keys,  if  any  unavoidable  occasion  necessitate  your 
being  out  later  than  eleven,  "  at  which  hour  we  invariably 

lock  the  street  door,"  Mr. (her  husband)  will  sit  up 

for  you. 

This  gentleman — we  shah1  fancy  the  reader  weak  enough 
to  become  a  boarder — is  somewhat  advanced  in  years,  and 
has  an  expression  of  countenance  such  as  might  be  sup 
posed  would  be  produced  by  an  exclusive  diet  of  persim- 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  67 

mons.  Like  his  wife,  he  is  a  Presbyterian — Hard-Shell  de 
nomination.  They  entertain  strong  views  as  to  creed, 
objecting  to  all  Christians  of  other  denominations,  to  music, 
dancing,  books  (unless  serious  ones)  theatres,  and  any 
attempt  at  cheerfulness  on  Sunday.  The  day,  by  the  by,  is 
scarcely  known  to  them  by  that  good,  old-fashioned  word, 
"  the  Sabbath,"  and  "Lord's  day,"  having  usurped  its  place. 
But  rigidly  righteous  as  this  may  seem,  their  faith  is  en 
tirely  eclipsed  by  the  virulent  theology  of  Mrs.  's 

mother,  a  formidable  old  lady,  who  wears  a  cap  similar  to 
that  in  which  Hannah  More  is  generally  depicted.  Her 
Christianity  is  of  the  most  sulphureously  blue-light  order. 
She  has  the  liveliest  belief  in  what  a  friend  of  ours  once 

felicitously  termed  "  the  inherent  d nation  of  every 

body."  Indeed,  Pandemonium  is  so  unpleasantly  promi 
nent  in  the  excellent  matron's  creed,  as  to  excite  a  sus 
picion  that  it  is  to  her  religion  (and  that  of  those  resem 
bling  her)  what  pickles  are  to  lunch — a  great  zest  and 
relish. 

The  boarders — especially  such  as  differ  in  faith  from  the 
family — frequently  come  in  for  the  benefit  of  the  opinions 
of  this  venerable  female.  In  common  with  her  daughter 
and  son  in-law,  she  has  an  especially  pious  aversion  to 
Roman  Catholicism — which  she  terms  "  Idolatry" — and 
to  Episcopalianism.  We  remember  her  informing  a  lady 
of  the  latter  persuasion,  who  had  ventured  on  a  mild  en- 
conium  on  the  Church  of  England  service  for  the  Burial 
of  the  Dead,  that  it  was  only  "  a  whitening  of  sepulchres ;" 
and  that  if  she  looked  for  salvation  in  that  quarter,  she  'd 
be  very  unpleasantly  undeceived,  some  day.  In  which 
healthy  sentiment  she  was  abetted  by  another  boarder, 
also  malignantly-orthodox,  .according  to  the  Calvinistic 
standard.  This  lady  had  had  three  husbands,  two  of 
whom  committed  suicide,  while  the  third  ran  away  from 


68  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

her.  She  considered  the  world  wicked  enough  to  deserve 
a  much  worse  punishment  than  burning  up  (could  it  be 
conveniently  contrived)  but  hadv  individually,  a  great 
terror  of  quitting  it.  For  let  but  a  hint  be  dropped  of 
the  presence  of  any  slight  epidemic  in  the  city,  she  in 
stantly  left  town. 

Three  times  each  Sunday  did  she,  the  landlady,  and 

landlady's  mother,  go  to  church;  Mr.  sometimes 

accompanying  them.  His  preparatory  "grace"  before 
dinner  was  longer  on  that  day  than  others.  If  any  thing 
detained  him  the  boarders  were  expected  to  wait,  unless 
one  took  the  office  upon  himself.  During  the  time  of  our 
sojourn  one  gentleman  was  particularly  available  for  this, 
being  a  clergyman  and  ex-missionary,  and  the  landlady's 
especial  pridevglory,  and  bulwark  of  Presbyterian  respec 
tability. 

He  was  a  kindly-natured  man,  rather  cramped  by  his 
creed,  as  is  not  uncommonly  the  case  with  his  class.  Too 
much  is  expected  of  them.  If  we  persist  in  demanding 
an  inhuman  amount  of  perfection  from  our  spiritual  in 
structors,  it  is  no  wonder  if  some  become  straight-laced. 
And  this,  we  think,  accounts  for  the  very  general  and  un 
just  accusation  of  hypocrisy  made  against  clergymen.  For 
one  can't  go  through  life,  maintaining  an  unpleasantly  per 
fect  altitude  above  fallible  mortals,  without  risking  that, 
or  the  sin  of  over-righteousness — of  all  sins  the  most 
abominable.  Our  clergyman  was  comparatively  free  from 
both,  though  a  latent  stratum  of  intolerance,  underlying 
his  piety,  became  eruptive  on  occasion.  A  quick-tempered, 
narrow-minded,  conscientious,  opinionated,  and  charitable 
man,  he  only  lacked  large-heartedness  to  become  agood  one. 

He  was  a  widower,  without  family,  though  fulfilling  the 
double  part  of  uncle  and  preceptor  to  a  boy  of  twelve — 
one  of  the  most  extraordinary  of  juveniles. 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  69 

It  is  a  privilege  to  have  known  that  moral  and  intellec 
tual  Phenomenon.  He  was  a  rosy-faced,  dark-haired,  near 
sighted  youth,  possessing  a  small,  flute-like  voice,  and  pre 
ternatural  glibness  of  speech.  He  never,  by  any  chance, 
did  a  boyish  action.  He  always  descended  to  breakfast 
bursting  with  information  as  to  the  state  of  the  thermom 
eter,  and  was  so  superfluously  polite  as  to  bid  you  good- 
day  whenever  he  met  you,  though  it  should  chance  twenty 
times  in  the  course  of  a  morning.  He  dabbled  in  ento 
mology,  didrft  approve  of  Shakspeare,  and  objected  to 
story-books,  "  as  he  had  heard  of  persons  becoming  insane 
from  the  pernicious  habit  of  novel-reading."  He  spoke  of 
the  simplest  things  with  the  greatest  elaboration,  and 
would  inform  the  landlady  that  "  owing  to  the  negligence 
of  the  servant,  some  water  had  been  spilt  in  the  passage, 
which,  by  the  action  of  the  weather,  had  been  converted 
into  ice,  and  that  he  should  recommend  its  immediate 
removal,  in  order  to  prevent  accidents !"  He  addressed 
grown  persons  over  the  dinner-table  on  the  political, 
social,  or  religious  questions  of  the  day,  and  would  en 
courage  them  to  enter  into  discussions  with  him.  He 
greatly  enjoyed  denning  his  position  on  every  possible 
subject,  and  once  favored  us  with  his  "  platform,"  which 
was  ultra-Garrisonian.  He  always  read  the  newspapers. 
He  was  a  staunch  advocate  of  the  Maine  Law.*  He  had 
a  little  dressing-gown,  and  a  special  costume  for  garden 
ing.  At  table,  his  appetite  and  choice  of  food  were  guided 
by  those  of  his  uncle,  and,  probably,  had  that  gentleman 
needed  castor-oil,  he  would  have  demanded  a  similar  dose. 
He  was  insufferably  affable,  revoltingly  polite,  preter- 

*  Apropos  of  which,  we  find  it  impossible  to  resist  indulging  our 
readers  with  the  insertion  of  the  following  verses — whether  of  the 
young  gentleman's  composition  we  can  not  positively  assert,  though 
strongly  inclining  to  that  opinion.  "We  picked  them  up  in  MS.  on  the 


70  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

naturally  precocious.  Had  you  inquired  his  sentiments 
as  to  Predestination,  Original  Sin,  or  Chinese  Metaphysics, 
we  've  no  doubt  he  would  have  "  gone  in"  with  perfect 
confidence  in  his  ability  to  explain  those  not  particularly 
simple  subjects.  You  could  as  soon  have  put  the  author 
of  the  life  of  P.  T.  Barnum  out  of  countenance.  He  called 
upon  the  girl  who  waited  at  table — a  hard-featured, 
small-pox-marked,  Scotch  damsel,  hired  on  account  of  her 
Protestantism  and  ugliness — three  times  as  much  as  any 
grown  boarder.  The  ladies  of  the  Establishment  admired 
his  "excellent  moral  principles,"  petted  him,  and  once 
formed  an  audience  to  a  lecture  of  his  delivering.  We 
believe  the  subject  was  On  Sea-weed  and  the  Moral  Les 
sons  inculcated  by  It.  The  male  boarders,  to  a  man,  de 
tested  him — which  was  very  unkind,  as  he  always  treated 
them  with  the  greatest  condescension. 

We  used  to  sit  opposite  to  him  at  meals,  and  were  never 
tired  of  looking  at  and  speculating  about  his  future.  We 
knew  what  a  nice  young  man  he  must  grow  up  into.  We 
fancied  the  offensively  virtuous  life  he  would  lead,  merg 
ing  all  minor  peccadilloes  into  one  ineradicable  cancer  of 
^spiritual  self-conceit.  And  furthermore,  when  removed  to 
a  sphere  worthy  of  his  manifold  perfections,  we  thought 
what  an  unpleasant  angel  he  'd  make.  We  could  imagine 
him  stepping  up  to  Michael  and  glibly  expressing  his  gen- 
staircase  and  caligraphy  being  small,  neat,  skinny,  and  formal.  They 
might  have  been  copied  from  some  Temperance  Hymn-Book : 

"  I  'm  a  little  Temperance  boy, 

Twelve  years  old  1 
And  I  love  Temperance 

Better  than  gold ! 
Every  little  boy,  like  me, 

The  Temperance-pledge  should  sign, 
For  God  loves  little  boys 

Who  don't  love  wine ! !  1" 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  71 

eral  approval  of  celestial  arrangements,  but  offering  a  hint 
or  so  by  way  of  improving  the  Constitution. 

He  was  not  the  only  youthful  boarder  in  the  "  Serious" 
Establishment.  Two  others,  a  boy  and  girl,  owed  their 
existence  to  the  union  of  a  heavy  gentleman  (engaged  in 
the  oil-trade)  with  a  small,  weak-eyed  lady,  his  second 
wife.  It  was  whispered  (and  here  we  may  remark  that 
there  was  far  more  than  the  average  under-current  of 
tattle  and  slander  afloat  in  the  "  Serious"  Boarding-House) 
that  she  had  brought  her  husband  a  large  fortune,  and 
that  he  behaved  very  meanly  to  her — the  ladies  asserting 
"  she  had  n't  a  frock  fit  to  put  on."  But  he  was  eminently 
pious.  Immensely  so.  And,  by-the-by,  it  is  worthy  of 
observation  that  pious  men  generally  marry  prudently  / 
and  if  they  become  widowers,  scarcely  ever  remain  such. 
Knowing  that  money  is  the  root  of  all  evil,  they  burn 
with  Christian  heroism  to  struggle  with  it;  honoring 
matrimony  as  a  divine  institution,  they  can't  have  too 
much  of  it.  The  children  of  these  parents  had  different 
but  unpleasing  idiosyncracies.  The  boy  was  fourteen,  had 
straight  hair,  a  face  like  a  bad  lemon,  a  querulous  voice, 
bony  legs,  and  large  feet.  He  used  to  put  his  arms  round 
his  mother's  neck  at  dinner-time — toward  the  conclusion 
of  the  meal — and  whiningly  solicit  permission  to  over-eat 
himself.  The  girl  was  only  remarkable  for  sulkiness,  de 
testation  of  her  father,  and  a  habit  of  kicking  her  broth 
er's  shins  under  the  table.  The  twain  sometimes  endeav 
ored  to  get  up  a  game  of  romps  with  the  Prodigy,  but  he 
considered  his  dignity  insulted  by  such  proposals,  and 
always  kept  aloof.  You  could  not  offend  him  more 
thoroughly  than  by  treating  him  as  a  boy.  He  was  very 
susceptible  of  such  affronts,  and  never,  thoroughly,  for 
gave  a  boarder  who  once  took  him  up  in  his  arms.  On 
another  occasion,  too,  he  was  moved  to  such  anger  as 


V2  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

to  tell  the  landlady  that  he  considered  her  behavior 
"beastly" — for  which  he  subsequently  apologized  in 
words  of  three  syllables. 

The  meals  provided  at  the  "  Serious"  Boarding-House 
were  excellent  in  quality,  plentiful  in  quantity,  and  not 
ill-served ;  though  the  entire  duty  of  attendance  fell  upon 
the  angular  shoulders  of  the  Scotch  virgin.  For  the  elect 
are  by  no  means  indifferent  to  the  pleasures  of  the  palate, 
not  unfrequently  attaching  over-much  importance  to  that 
which  might  be  denominated  the  grossest  of  all  enjoy 
ments.  An  unregenerate  scoffer  would  say  that  by  vol 
untarily  debarring  themselves  from  many  innocent  pleas 
ures  they  are  necessitated  to  fall  back  upon  the  most 
unspiritual  ones.  We  have  seen  the  brother  and  sister 
recently  alluded  to  absolutely  wallow  in  turkey  and  cran 
berry  sauce.  Generally  there  was  a  complete  rampart 
of  dishes  encircling  that  family  at  dinner. 

Sunday — always  a  dull  day  in  Boarding-Houses — was 
preternaturally  slow  in  the  "  Serious"  one.  Church-going, 
with  intervals  of  feeding  to  repletion  appeared  to  be  the 
rule  of  conduct  with  the  majority  of  its  occupants.  Some 
of  the  young  men,  however,  stayed  at  home  during  the 
afternoon  and  "  carried  on"  extensively  in  their  chambers ; 
beating  each  other  with  pillows  and  struggling  upon  the 

beds.  When  Mrs. ascended,  or  sent  up  the  Scotch 

virgin  to  remonstrate,  they  assumed  a  meek  aspect  and 
endeavored  to  criminate  one  another.  When  less  actively 
disposed,  they  slept,  coming  down  gaping  and  with  gen 
erally  foggy  aspects  at  the  sound  of  the  supper  bell. 
There  were  very  few  attempts  at  conversation,  as  the 
landlady,  her  mother,  the  malignantly-orthodox  lady,  and 
heavy  gentleman  disapproved  of  the  introduction  of  sec 
ular  topics  on  Sunday.  On  working-days  we  talked  poli 
tics,  in  which  the  clergyman,  like  most  of  his  class,  took 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  73 

great  interest,  especially  when  of  an  exciting  and  bellig 
erent  character.  We  don't  mention  this  invidiously.  On 
the  contrary,  we  liked  him  for  it.  Once  we  knew  a  cler 
gyman  who,  during  the  Mexican  war,  would  get  unusu 
ally  enthusiastic  about  feats  of  individual  heroism  and 
throat-cutting — as  why  should  n't  he  ?  It  was  human. 

We  recollect  a  lady-boarder  who — being  comparatively 
unacquainted  with  the  rigorous  piety  of  the  Establish 
ment — gave  great  offense  by  playing  upon  the  piano  on 
Sunday ;  as  did  her  husband  by  reading  the  Herald,  which 
paper  was  an  abomination  in  the  eyes  of  the  landlady. 
So  much  so,  indeed,  that  upon  its  accidental  appearance 

on  the  breakfast-table  one  morning,  Mrs. started 

up  with  horror  and  astonishment  depicted  on  her  coun 
tenance,  seized  the  obnoxious  sheet,  rushed  to  the  stove 
and,  in  a  frenzy  of  religious  zeal,  committed  it  to  the 
flames.  This  little  incident,  in  conjunction  with  others, 
probably  accelerated  the  removal  of  that  couple  from  the 
"  Serious"  Boarding-House,  for  they  left  soon  afterwards. 

Our  landlady's  "  trials" — she  so  denominated  all  matters 
not  in  accordance  with  her  wishes — were  far  more  severe 
in  conjunction  with  another  boarder.  Like  the  serpent 
of  old,  he  entered  into  this  Presbyterian  Eden  but  to 
blight  and  destroy.  He  was  a  reporter  to  a  daily  news 
paper.  His  behavior,  while  domiciled  in  the  "  Serious"  Es 
tablishment,  is  fearful  to  think  of.  He  whistled  godless 
negro  melodies  while  going  up  stairs,  rang  the  ugly  ser 
vant-girl  up  at  unholy  hours  of  the  night  and  morning, 
and  once  effected  a  nocturnal,  burglar-like  entrance  at  a 
basement  window.  He  smoked  short  pip'es  in  bed,  dropped 
play-bills  in  the  parlors,  asked  mild-young-men-boarders 
out  to  take  drinks,  and — horrible  to  relate — seduced  one 
of  them  into  a  Model  Artist  exhibition.  He  affected  a 
passion  for  the  malignantly-orthodox  female,  cut  jokes  on 

4 


74 


THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 


the  cap  of  the  landlady's  mother,  and  invited  both  ladies 
to  accompany  him  to  Christy's.  He  proclaimed  his  adhe 
sion  to  the  Mormon  faith,  and  made  jocular  attempts  to 
convert  the  heavy  gentleman.  And,  finally,  he  devoted 
his  energies  to  the  perversion  of  the  rising  generation. 

We  don't  think  he  had  much  success  with  the  Prodigy. 
That  immaculate  youth  stood  poised  on  too  high  a  pin 
nacle  of  conscious  virtue  to  be  knocked  off  by  mortal  aim. 
But  with  the  others — the  boy  and  the  girl — he  sped  but 
too  well.  Discovering  that  they  were  unacquainted  with 
the  institution  of  pocket-money,  he  tempted  them,  by 
presents  of  small  coins,  to  the  utterance  of  awful  words. 


The  bony-legged  boy  did,  in  consideration  of  the  sum  of 
fifty  cents — he  refused  two  shillings,  with  the  additional 
bonus  of  a  large  apple,  as  too  little — actually  thrust  his 
head  into  a  room  where  three  ladies  sat,  and  utter,  in  a 


NEW    YOKK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  75 

small,  sepulchral,  but  perfectly  distinct  voice,  the* fearful 
anathema  "  G — d — n  all  of  you  /" 

He  did  n't  appear  next  morning.  Nor  did  his  preceptor, 
for  that  night  he  put  a  climax  to  his  atrocities  by  bringing 
home  one  of  the  mild-young-men-boarders  in — as  the 
landlady  declared — a  dreadful  state,  in  which  he  was  sub 
sequently  discovered  on  the  door«mat.  The  tempter  at 
once  received  instant  and  severe  notice  to  quit.  The 
fallen  youth  was  confined  to  his  room  for  a  week,  by  his 
father,  who  took  his  dinners  up  to  him,  and — it  was  darkly 
whispered — administered  paternal  chastisement  regularly, 
every  night  and  morning,  immediately  after  family  prayer. 
We  can  depose  to  the  boy's  howling  dismally  at  those 
periods,  and  that,  when  reinstated  at  the  Boarding-House 
table,  he  looked  remarkably  sheepish. 


CHAPTER   IX. 

THE   THEATRICAL    BOARDING-HOUSE. 


the  best  of  our 
belief,  this  Estab 
lishment — the  de 
tails  and  domestic 
economy  of  which 
were  unique  in 
their  way — is  ex 
tinct,  we  therefore 
speak  of  it  in  the 
past  tense. 

Like  the  Cheap 
Boarding  -  House 
on  a  large  scale,  described  in  Chapter  Four,  it  consisted 
of  two  tenements,  which,  in  this  case,  formed  brick-and~ 
mortar  units  in  a  street  diverging  eastward  from  Broad 
way,  not  far  from  the  theater  of  that  name.  "Whether 
influenced  by  the  location,  a  predilection  on  the  part  of 
the  landtady  for  the  profession,  the  gregarious  habits  of 
the  class,  or  the  three  reasons  combined,  the  majority  of 
the  boarders  were  actors. 

It  was  conducted  on  what  might  be  termed  providential 
principles.    Receiving  the  scriptural  injunction  of  "take 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  77 

no  thought  for  to-morrow"  in  a  literal  sense,  its  mistress,  a 
stout,  unctuously-smiling  widow,  of  Irish  extraction,  de 
voutly  obeyed  it.  Every  thing  was  done  by  shifts  and 
expedients.  "  Chance  governed  all,"  as  in  Milton's  Chaos. 
You  enjoyed  the  pleasing  uncertainties  of  alternate  hunger 
and  plenty,  as  in  savage  life,  with  the  additional  advan 
tages  of  social  intercourse  of  a  novel  and  entertaining 
character.  There  were  no  regular  meal  hours.  A  newly- 
caught  boarder,  of  sanguine  disposition,  might,  it  is  true, 
place  credence  in  a  mild  superstition  attaching  gastro 
nomic  importance  to  certain  periods  of  the  day,  but  this 
faith — touching  in  its  very  simplicity — never  outlasted  a 
week.  Two  rendered  him  a  confirmed  infidel  as  to  all 
order  whatever.  .He  either  cfo's-accommodated  himself 
into  harmony  with  the  mis-rule  around — or  left.  We 
were  young,  and  the  place  had  its  attractions.  We  were 
poor,  also,  and  it  was  n't  dear.  For  nearly  six  months 
we  lived  in  that  Theatrical  Boarding-House. 

Generally,  one's  earliest  experience  was  in  connection 
with  the  subject  of  loans.  As  surely  as  rapidly,  you 
glided  into  the  anomalous  and  unnatural  position  of  cred 
itor  to  your  landlady.  She  borrowed  five  or  ten  dollars 
of  you  on  the  day  subsequent  to  your  arrival,  and  hence 
forth  you  vainly  struggled  against  destiny.  In  the  lan 
guage  of  appeals  to  a  charitable  public,  "the  smallest 
contributions  were  thankfully  received."  Solicitations 
for  "  quarters,"  shillings,  sixpences,  beset  you ;  sometimes 
through  the  medium  of  a  faded  female,  half-servant,  half- 
boarder,  oftener  that  of  the  landlady's  daughter,  a  shrill 
and  objectionable  girl  in  pantalettes,  whose  hair  curled 
the  wrong  way,  who  was  horribly  inquisitive,  never  closed 
doors,  and  appeared  subject  to  a  mysterious  disease 
denominated  "the  Mumps,"  which  necessitated  the  per 
petual  bandaging  of  her  head  in  dirty  handkerchiefs. 


THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 


Like  Poe's  Raven,  she  would 
come  "  tapping,  tapping  at 
one's  chamber-door,"  with 
the  words  "  Mother  says 
"  prefacing  the  inevi 
table  message.  We  have 
sat  full  half-an-hour  waiting 
breakfast  while  this  was  in 
operation  elsewhere  in  order 
to  raise  money  for  the  pur 
chase  of  a  mutton-chop. 

Payments  to  the  butcher  partook  of  the  general  irregu 
larity  of  the  Establishment,  wherefore  he,  not  unfre- 
quently,  waxed  wroth,  and  supplied  meat  of  dubious 
quality,  or  none  at  all.  Entering  at  night  by  means  of 
the  area  gate  (for  less  than  twenty  minutes'  pulling  at 
the  street-door  bell  was  never  known  to  procure  admis 
sion)  we  have  discovered  injured  tradesfolk  sitting 
gloomily  in  back  kitchens.  There  they  would  remain  for 
hours,  lying  in  wait  for  our  landlady,  she  having  unac 
countably  vanished,  while  the  servants  plied  hither  and 
thither  among  the  boarders,  for  the  wherewithal  to  exor 
cise  them.  These  girls'  wages,  too,  were  awfully  in  arrear. 
The  amount  of  lying,  dodgery,  and  pretense  put  into  op 
eration  (never  however  effectually)  in  order  to  screen 
the  system — or  rather  want  of  it — must  have  been  pro 
digious. 

The  supply  of  linen  being  scant,  the  advent  of  a  new 
boarder  was  invariably  marked  by  a  foray  into  others' 
chambers,  in  order  to  furnish  forth  the  required  comple 
ment  of  bed-furniture  for  the  stranger.  Here  a  pillow 
would  be  surreptitiously  confiscated,  there  a  blanket,  else 
where  a  coverlid.  It  was  bitter  winter  weather,  and  loud 
and  dire  were  the  complaints  of  the  victimized  on  the  fol- 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  79 

lowing  morning,  when  "the  stupidity  of  them  girls" 
formed  the  staple  excuse.  Time,  however,  had  taught  Us 
the  wisdom  of  the  serpent.  We,  noting  any  deficiency  of 
"bed-gear,  made  raids  on  our  own  account,  replacing  from 
the  couches  of  others  those  articles  of  which  ours  had 
been  deprived.  Necessity  must  palliate,  if  not  justify 
the  act.  Often  have  we  lain  and  listened  to  the  anath 
emas  of  some  temporary  neighbor  on  the  unknown  ab 
stractor. 

Our  meals — taken  in  a  sort  of  white- washed  school-room 
of  limited  dimensions  in  the  rear  of  the  premises — were 
mostly  of  a  carnivorous  description,  from  which  circum 
stance  we  infer  that  the  pie-venders  of  that  vicinity  are 
inexorably  opposed  to  the  credit  system.  Occasionally 
dinner  was  totally  ignored.  No  bell's  harmonious  discord 
sounded  the  tocsin  of  appetite.  Hungry  and  exasperate 
boarders  would  assemble  in  dismal  conclave,  sit  until  ex 
pectancy  palled  into  despair,  then  wrathfully  disappear — 
the  sterner  spirits  being,  sometimes,  partially  mollified  by 

homeopathic  relays  of  steak.     On  such  crises  Mrs. 

would  be  invisible.  Our  impression  is  that  she  locked 
herself  in  a  subterranean  cupboard  or  closet  till  the  evil 
hour  had  passed. 

But,  as  we  have  said,  the  Establishment  had  its  plea- 
santer  aspects.  Shifty  and  incongruous  as  its  arrange 
ments  were,  the  very  absence  of  all  order  imparted  a 
piquant  zest  to  existence  within  its  walls,  appealing,  as  it 
did,  to  the  vagabond  side  of  human  nature.  If  one  day's 
dinner  were  omitted,  to-morrow's  plenty  eifaced  all  ireful 
recollection  of  it.  And  during  intervals  of  cash  or  credit, 
you  were  never  too  late  or  too  early  for  a  meal.  It  was  a 
true  Liberty  Hall,  if  ever  such  existed,  and  Rabelais'  in 
scription  over  the  gate  of  the  Abbey  of  Theleme,  "  Do 
what  thou  wilt,"  might  have  been  written  on  its  portal. 


80  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

Where  else,  we  ask,  should  we  have  been  allowed  to  sit 
wrapped  up  in  blankets  and  bed-clothes  on  deathly  cold 
winter  nights,  while  scribbling  a  comic  story  on  the  edge 
of  the  washing-stand  ?  Where,  subsequently,  to  insert  a 
small  stove  within  the  thirteen-inch  space  between  our 
bed-foot  and  the  wall,  to  extemporize  a  hole  for  the  stove 
pipe  with  a  rusty  knife  and  hammer ;  and  finally,  to  char  the 
bed-post  to  the  extent  and  blackness  which  we  assuredly 
did.  The  Theatrical  Boar  ding-House  had  its  advantages. 

You  could  send  out  for  beer  at  any  seasonable  or  unsea 
sonable  hour.  You  could  call  fellow-boarders  by  their 
nick-names,  cut  jokes  and  fraternize  with  everybody.  We 
like  actors.  And  in  spite  of  all  the  charges  which  from  Le 
Sage's  day  to  the  present  have  been  brought  against  them, 
the  world  likes  them,  and  will  continue  to  do  so.  They 
generally  have  that  practical  wisdom  which  disposes  to 
look  on  the  cheery  side  of  things.  At  our  Boarding- 
House  they  punned,  laughed,  talked  slangy  and  stagy, 
drank  ale  or  champagne  with  equal  good  humor,  and  got 
up  the  j  oiliest  of  supplementary  suppers. 

Of  one  of  these  entertainments  (given  by  the  husband 
of  a  tragedienne  during  his  temporary  bachelorhood  con 
sequent  on  her  absence  while  fulfilling  a  professional  en 
gagement  at  another  city),  we  have  a  lively  recollection. 
It  was  a  good  notion  of  a  supper — a  hare,  chickens,  oysters 
and  champagne ;  whist,  poker,  piano-forte-playing,  and 
singing  to  follow.  Speeches  were  made  also,  which,  as 
the  hours  drew  on,  increased  in  eloquence  and  pathos. 
We  remember  one  gentleman  pledging  his  honor  that  his 
wife  would  die,  if  desired,  for  the  behoof  of  any  friend  he 
might  mention.  Another  was  moved  to  shed  tears  copi 
ously  during  a  burst  of  confidence  on  the  subject  of  his 
early  years.  Choruses,  too,  were  sung,  some  being  of 
an  abnormal,  and  even  gymnastic  character,  as  witness 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 


81 


the  following.  The  vocalist,  suiting  action  to  words, 
commenced : 

"One  finger  and  thumb  keep  moving — 
Keep  moving — 
To  drive  dull  Care  away !" 

Others  joining  in  with  voice  and  gesture  on  a  repetition 
of  the  lines,  the  exhortation  increased  in  its  demands, 
^wo  fingers  and  thumbs"  being  next  in  requisition,  and 
so  on,  until  finally,  at  the  words, 

"  Two  arms  and  two  legs  keep  moving!" 
all  present  were  jumping  up  and  down  in  an  energetically 


ludicrous  manner  only  conceivable  in  insane  Shaking 
Quakers.  As  this  occurred  at  something  like  2  A.  M., 
certain  boarders  overhead  and  below  were  unreasonable 
enough  to  remonstrate,  but  our  landlady's  company  having 


82 


THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OP 


sanctioned  the  festivities  during  the  earlier  part  of  the 
evening,  such  complaints  were  treated  with  merited  de 
rision.  We  have  but  an  indistinct  idea  at  what  hour  the 
party  broke  up,  having  quitted  it  at  6  A.  M.,  leaving  cards 
predominant. 

It  was  pre-eminently  a  masculine  Establishment,  and 
appeared  the  more  so,  as  the  few  lady-boarders  generally 
preferred  taking  their  meals  within  the  sanctity  of  their 
own  apartments.  They,  however,  sometimes  congregated 
on  wintry  afternoons  in  a  gloomy  old  parlor  appertaining 
to  the  larger  and  duller  of  the  houses,  where  we  once 
surprised  a  select  party  of  three  engaged  in  the  consump 
tion  of  cigars  and  hot  brandy  and  water.  One  of  these,  the 


proprietress  of  a  rather  prettyish  face  and  a  large-headed 
child  (which  latter  article  was  periodically  brought  to  see 
her),  had  a  room  immediately  adjoining  ours;  and  for 
some  time  we  were  in  error  as  to  the  sex  of  the  occupant, 
being  misled  by  her  proficiency  in  the  art  of  whistling. 
Our  undeception  only  occurred  upon  tapping  at  her  door 
for  the  purpose  of  re-igniting  a  lamp,  which  we  had 
knocked  over  and  extinguished  among  the  bed-clothes. 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  83 

At  a  later  period,  when  a  slight  intimacy  had  sprung  up, 
she  occasionally  borrowed  our  boots  on  rainy  evenings  to 
walk  to  the  theater  in,  receiving  with  great  good  humor 
any  playful  allusions  to  the  (presumably)  lovely  limbs 
they  were  honored  by  encasing — and  once  telling  us  to 
come  round  to  Burton's  as  she  "  played  a  leg-part."  On 
our  return  from  that  place  of  popular  entertainment,  she 
was  very  anxious  to  learn  "  how  she  looked  from  the  par- 
quette,"  and  "  whether  we  heard  her  distinctly."  She 
had  but  three  lines  and  a  monosyllable  to  utter  during  the 
entire  performance ! 

But,  unquestionably,  the  lioness  of  the  place  was  the 
tragedienne  before  alluded  to.  She  was  a  handsome,  jolly 
woman,  with  a  deep,  rich  voice,  and  would  ask  you  how 
you  did,  or  make  an  observation  about  the  weather  in 
such  heart-felt,  cordial  tones  as  imparted  quite  a  glow  to 
the  recipient.  She  had  a  will  of  her  own,  too,  and  it  wa& 
popularly  supposed  that  her  husband  (who  played  walking 
gentleman,  and  was  some  years  her  junior)  knew  it.  She 
was,  also,  a  little  jealous  of  him — not  without  reason.. 
We  fancy  he  had  an  equal  attachment  to  champagne  and 
to  his  wife,  and  it  was  said  the  lady  herself  had  a  penchant 
for  the  former.  With  two  anecdotes  in  which  she  figures, 
the  present  chapter  may  fitly  conclude. 

There  was  a  hard-headed  and  generally  obnoxious. 
Scotch  boarder,  who,  to  some  originally  disagreeable 
characteristics,  added  the  one  of  occasional  intoxication ; 
when  he  was  prone  to  discourse  about  John  Knox  and 
the  "Free  Kirk"  of  his  country.  The  actors  used  to 
"  sell"  him  by  challenging  his  admiration  for  imaginary 
passages  in  non-existent  novels  by  Walter  Scott ;  and  to 
excite  his  anger  by  pretending  to  mistake  him  for  an 
Irishman;  as  also  by  addressing  him  as  Mac  Waggles, 
Mac  Scratcher,  Mac  Grits,  Mac  Turn  'emup,  and  similar 


84 


THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 


titles.  Now  he,  coming  home  one  night  from  an  adjacent 
bar-room,  and  availing  himself  of  the  opening  of  the  street- 
door  by  the  servant  of  our  tragedienne  (whether  impelled 
by  antecedent  whisky-skins  or  his  natural  obtuseness,  we 
know  not),  followed  the  girl  up-stairs  to  her  lady's  apart 
ment  ;  apologizing  for  his  presence,  when  questioned,  by 
a  muttered  reference  to  his  ordinary  theological  topic. 

Mrs. ,  not  considering  this  satisfactory,  shrieked  for 

her  husband,  who,  like  his  wife,  was  in  undress,  and  leaping 
up  at  the  summons  pursued  the  invader  to  our  chamber 
door,  where  overtaking  him,  he,  with  his  lady's  assistance, 
administered  severe  tistical  chastisement.  Upon  our  issu- 


ing  forth,  lamp  in  hand,  an  eminently  dramatic  tableau 
was  visible.  The  howling  Caledonian,  with  the  sanguine 
stream  of  life  gushing  from  his  nose,  and  his  countenance 
further  ornamented  by  feminine  talons,  lay  writhing  in  the 
grasp  of  the  infuriate  actor,  whose  left  whisker  he  was 
holding  on  to  in  a  peculiarly  painful  manner,  while  above 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING- HOUSES.  85 

and  around  hovered  a  Lady  Macbeth-like  figure,  awful  in 
white  flannel.  Other  boarders  appearing,  a  separation 
was  effected,  and  the  Scotchman  persuaded  to  go  down 
stairs,  where  he  armed  himself  with  a  carving-knife,  swore 
revenge  on  every  body,  very  nearly  assassinated  the  land 
lady  who  repaired  to  him  with  pacific  intentions,  and 
finally  went  to  sleep  with  his  head  in  a  coal-scuttle.  But 
"  with  the  morning  calm  reflection  came ;"  by  dinner-time 
the  three  had  exchanged  apologies,  shaken  hands,  and  de 
spite  the  victim's  discolored  eyes,  swollen  nose,  and  face 
scarified  d  la  gridiron,  were  hob-nobbing  one  with  the 
other  most  cordially — an  edifying  and  Christian  spectacle. 
Our  remaining  anecdote  is  trite,  but  has  a  spice  of  the 
ridiculous  which  may  justify  its  narration.  A  brother 
actor  of  our  tragedienne's  husband  having  borrowed  a 
pair  of  nether  habiliments  from  him  for  "  light  comedy" 
purposes,  was,  by  the  lady,  encountered  in  the  passage 
and  ordered  back  to  his  apartment,  there  to  immediately 
disendue  himself  of  them,  she  not  approving  of  the  loan. 
And  the  voice  which  we  had  over-night  heard  hi  Juliet's 
love-impassioned  speech  was  exalted  in  wrath,  even  to  let 
ting  dwellers  on  the  upper  floors  know  that  "  Bill  - 
shouldn't  have  them  pants — they  had  been  purchased 
with  her  money,  and  she  'd  burn  'em  ere  his  request 
should  be  granted !" 


CHAPTER  X. 

THE   BOAKDING-HOUSE   WHEREIN  "  SPIRITUALISM"   BECOMES 
PREDOMINANT. 

HANDSOME  up-town  edifice 
within  five  minutes'  walk  of 
Fifth  Avenue,  and  of  such 
heighth  that  scaling  its 
staircase  (midway  up  which 
a  foggy  aroma  of  dinners 
always  hovers)  is  involunta 
rily  suggestive  of  Jacob's 
ladder.  In  outward  appear 
ance  it  is  aristocratic,  in  in 
ner  arrangements  unexcep 
tionable,  its  dinner-hour 
fashionably  late.  In  no  par 
ticular,  therefore,  would  it 

differ  from  many  similar  Establishments,  but  for  the  pecu 
liarities  of  its  inmates,  which  fairly  entitle  it  to  a  place  in 
our  Physiology. 

The  reader,  if  a  New  Yorker,  has  doubtless  often  no 
ticed  in  Broadway  the  tall,  spare  figure  of  an  elderly  gen 
tleman  attired  in  a  suit  of  black  of  the  cut  and  fashion 
of  the  past  century.  Who  has  not  turned  to  gaze  on  that 
venerable-looking  person  ?  on  the  long,  gray  hair  strag- 


NEW     YORK     BO  All  DING-HOUSES.  87 

gling  over  his  shoulders  and  back  ;  on  the  three-cornered 
cocked-hat,  the  breeches  and  knee-buckles  of '76?  Such 
an  aspect  might  have  graced  the  council-board  of  William 
Penn  or  the  Pilgrim  Fathers.  That,  reader,  is  the  Doctor, 
and  he  being  the  arch-priest  and  grand  exponent  of  Spir 
itualism  at  the  house  of  which  we  speak,  it  becomes 
necessary  to  pay  our  respects  to  him. 

Were  he  to  write  his  auto-biography  (as  we  trust  he 
will,  some  day),  it  would  doubtless  prove  a  deeply  inter 
esting  Yolume.  Far  be  it  from  our  hasty  pen  to  anticipate 
such  a  task,  or  to  risk  the  displeasure  of  a  conscientious 
seeker  after  truth  by  the  attempt.  Yet  we  have  heard 
that  in  his  pursuit  of  that  celestial  maid,  he,  in  common 
with  other  of  her  admirers,  has  occasionally  got  garroted 
by  certain  of  the  pestilent  heresies  which  are  wont  to  as 
sume  her  likeness — sometimes  releasing  himself  with  ex 
treme  difficulty.  Enough  of  that.  Suffice  it  to  say,  that 
after  considerable  theological  experience — rivaling,  in 
deed,  that  of  Orestes  Brownson,  though  starting  from  the 
very  point  at  which  he  has  rested — the  Doctor  now  enjoys 
a  lucrative  medical  practice,  believes  strongly  in  the 
Maine  Law,  and  is  equally  ardent  in  his  advocacy  of  Spir 
itualism.  We  have  been  told  of  singular  and  startling 
phenomena  as  the  immediate  agents  in  producing  his 
conversion  to  the  latter — how  the  spirit  of  a  defunct  rela 
tive  not  only  shook,  slapped,  pinched,  and  tweaked  the 
Doctor  nocturnally,  but  was  accustomed  to  lift  him  from 
his  bed  and  treat  him  to  rides  round  the  room  (how  he 
looked  during  the  operation  let  our  artist's  pencil  por 
tray),  always  finally  restoring  him  to  his  resting-place,  and 
considerately  tucking  him  up — how,  desirous  of  accommo 
dating  himself  to  these  celestial  visitations,  he  studied 
music,  and  learned  to  play  upon  the  guitar  and  harmon- 
icon — with  much  more  of  retrospective  matter  which  we 


88  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OP 


dismiss  as  irrelevant-^turnkig  at  once  to  the  Boarding- 
House,  and  his  proselytizing  therein. 

Within  the  Establishment  are  many  lady-boarders  of 
Eastern  origin,  who,  though  past  the  age  of  girlhood,  have 
retained  the  simplicity  of  heart  and^trustfulness  of  nature 
proper  to  the  morning  of  life.  Now  from  Eve's  time 
downwards  the  sex  has  exhibited  a  penchant  for  knowl 
edge,  even  when  acquired  at  the  risk  of  danger;  and  it 
would  seem  that  the  minds  of  old  maids  are,  from  the 
fact  of  so  much  of  their  nature  lying,  as  it  weye,  fallow, 
peculiarly  subject  to  become  the  recipients  of  such  stray 
tares  as,  sown  broadcast  by  imposition  and  credulity,  are 
producing  every  day  such  plentiful  crops  of  misery  and 
insanity.  Any  way  our  Doctor  (whom,  of  course,  we  ac 
quit  of  disingenuity)  experienced  great  success  in  his  ad 
vocacy  of  Spiritualism  among  the  lady-boarders. 

In  the  first  place,  Physiological  classes  were  formed,  and 
the  Doctor  commenced  a  series  of  lectures  on  Anatomy — 
which,  however,  came  to  a  sudden  termination  in  conse- 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  89 

quence  of  the  uncalled-for  squeamishness  of  all  but  one 
of  the  virgin  auditory.  These  being  abandoned,  the  dis 
covery  of  "  Mediums,"  formation  of  "  Circles,"  and  procur 
ing  of  "  Manifestations,"  became  the  order  of  the  day — or 
rather  evening,  for  at  such  time,  after  the  labors  of  the 
day,  did  the  Doctor  vouchsafe  to  act  as  spiritual  hiero- 
phant.  Here  every  thing  progressed  admirably.  Little 
supernatural  soirees  were  got  up,  and  the  ladies  had  the 
satisfaction  of  being  astonished,  frightened,  and  mystified 
in  the  most  delightful  manner.  Nothing  could  be  pleas- 
anter — but,  unfortunately,  there  existed  among  the  in 
mates  of  the  establishment  one  or  two  skeptics  of  the 
sterner  sex,  and  especially  one  individual  whom  we  shall 
designate  as  the  Incredulous  Boarder. 

He  was  the  Doctor's  moral  antipodes  in  every  thing, 
appearance,  characteristics,  and  opinions.  The  former 
never  had  his  hair  cut,  and  shaved  only  his  upper  lip ;  the 
latter  was  bald,  and  scrupulously-razored,  with  the  excep 
tion  of  a  moustache.  The  former  attired  himself  in  a  style 
particularly  calculated  to  attract  notice ;  the  latter's  cos 
tume  was  simple  and  unpretentious.  The  former  pos 
sessed  unlimited  faith  in  the  supernatural,  the  latter 
unbounded  skepticism.  Being,  therefore,  of  such  radically 
opposite  natures,  how  could  they  fail  to  antagonize  ? 

The  Doctor  denounced  his  adversary  as  a  rhinoceros- 
hided  infidel,  and  furthermore  informed  him  that  he  was 
possessed  by  Seven  Devils.  It  might  have  been  this  bale 
ful  influence  which  impelled  him  to  devote  himself  to  the 
production  of  utter  confusion  and  dismay  in  the  ranks  of 
the  faithful — to  assail  the  Doctor's  opinions  on  all  subjects 
— to  charge  the  reverend  person  with  profaning  the  Sab 
bath  by  the  performance  of  valses,  polkas,  and  the  like 
secular  compositions — to  speak  of  the  Maine  Law  with 
derision,  of  Spiritualism  as  humbug — and  finally  to  char- 


90  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

acterize  its  professors  as  ghostly  Peter  Funks.  These 
abominable  opinions  he  would  express  on  ah1  possible  oc 
casions. 

Great,  therefore,  was  the  exultation,  when,  one  evening, 
a  whisper  passed  round  that  the  Incredulous  One  had  ex 
perienced  a  softening  of  the  heart,  and  petitioned  to  be 
allowed  to  make  one  in  a "  Circle."  In  the  hope  of  his 
conversion  it  was  granted,  though  the  Doctor  retired  to 
his  room  in  dudgeon,  as  mistrusting  the  sincerity  of  the 
neophyte.  Notwithstanding  which,  remarkable  and  un 
exampled  success  followed.  Tabular  gyrations  and  knock- 
ings  occurred  almost  immediately,  and  presently,  after 
performing  a  spiritual  Schottische,  zig-zagging  in  a  very 
startling  manner  into  corners,  and  once  descending  heav 
ily  on  the  corns  of  a  male  believer,  the  supernaturally- 
stirred  mahogany  penned  one  of  the  ladies  in  a  corner,  and 
nearly  cut  her  in  twain,  against  the  wah1.  This  was  natu 
rally  regarded  as  a  great  triumph,  and  the  Doctor  de 
scended  to  share  it.  His  presence  apparently  induced 
greater  manifestations  from  the  spirit- world.  The  fire- 
irons  rattled,  and  groans  were  heard  as  proceeding  from 
the  heart  of  the  chandelier.  In  compliance  with  the  gen 
eral  request,  the  Doctor  mounted  a  chair  for  the  purpose 
of  investigation.  Solemnly,  and  at  regular  intervals,  the 
lugubrious  sounds  were  repeated.  Questions  were  put 
and  responded  to — by  groans.  It  was  unanimously  con 
cluded  that  some  unhappy  spirit  was  present,  but  unable, 
from  unexplained  circumstances,  to  definitely  communi 
cate  his  sorrows.  And  thus  to  the  awe  and  satisfaction 
of  the  community,  the  proceedings  of  the  evening  termi 
nated. 

Nor  was  the  faith  of  believers  shaken  by  the  assertions 
of  the  still  Incredulous  Boarder,  on  the  following  morning 
— that  he,  and  he  alone,  contrived  to  produce  the  move- 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 


91 


merits  of  the  table,  and  that  a  little  inquiry  had  reduced 
the  groaning  spirit  to  the  simple  origin  of  a  loose  plank  in 
the  flooring  overhead,  upon  which  a  girl  chanced  to  be 
seated  in  a  rocking-chair,  while  nursing  a  baby.  He  was 
considered  a  ribald  outcast  from  truth,  one  given  over  to 
unbelief,  a  conscious  blasphemer  of  the  mysteries  of  Spirit 
ualism  !  The  ladies  held  fast  to  their  faith,  and  the  skirts 
of  the  Doctor.  Far  be  it  from  us  to  desire  to  dislodge 
them ! 

We  have  recently  heard  that  he  is  organizing  Spiritual 
Dancing-classes. 


CHAPTER    XI. 


THE     MEAN     BOAKDING-HOUSE. 


E  AN  Boarding-Houses,  like 
mean  people,  are,  unfor 
tunately,  not  uncommon 
or  peculiar  to  any  rank 
or  locality.  We  have 
already  had  occasion  to 
speak  of  one  Establish 
ment  in  which  a  stratum 
of  aristocratic  pretense 
overlays  this  character 
istic,  we  now  turn  to  an 
other  in  humbler  life. 

It   is   a   clean-looking 
frame  building,  in  aquiet- 

ish  street,  some  twenty  minutes'  walk  from  Chatham 
Square,  and  midway  between  East  Broadway  and  the 
river.  If  the  broken  and  puddley  sidewalks  of  the  vicin 
ity  had  been  especially  sown  with  an  intention  of  produc 
ing  a  crop  of  old  barrels,  boxes,  disabled  kettles  and  con 
tused  saucepans,  they  could  not  be  more  plentiful.  There 
are  more  private  dwellings  than  shops,  one  or  two  Dutch 
or  Irish  grocery  stores,  a  disused  pump,  a  few  street-lamps, 
and  some  trees.  Our  Boarding-House  is  a  corner  one, 


NEW    YORK     BOAKDING-HOUSES.  93 

standing  some  little  distance  to  the  rear  of  the  street- 
front.  You  reach  its  stoop  by  an  ascent  of  half  a  dozen 
wooden  steps. 

Its  landlady  claims  England  as  the  land  of  her  nativity, 
in  defiance  of  the  richest  of  brogue?  and  most  Milesian 
of  appellations.  She  is  a  widow,  with  three  daughters. 
The  eldest  has  a  husband,  the  second  expects  to  obtain 
one,  and  the  third  is  a  girl  of  eight.  Between  the  two 
latter  a  species  of  guerilla  warfare  unceasingly  rages,  the 
grown-up  young  lady  having  apparently  made  up  her 
mind  to  regard  her  sister's  existence  as  a  personal  insult, 
which  conviction  she  expresses  through  the  medium  of 
slaps,  and  stray  epithets,  on  all  possible  occasions ;  while 
the  younger  revenges  herself  by  trying  on  her  oppressor's 
bonnets,  and  indulging  in  fugitive  performances  on  the 
piano,  which  generally  terminate  in  a  grand  finale  of 
screams  and  spankings. 

The  old  lady,  her  mother  (she  owns  to  five-and-fifty, 
and  her  wig  is  innocent  of  all  deception)  has  West  Indian 
antecedents,  and  talks  much  of  "  Jamaiky,"  in  connection 
with  her  late  husband.  According  to  her  representations 
he  was  a  species  of  marital  phoenix — never  known  to 
swear,  to  smoke,  to  partake  of  any  stronger  liquor  than 
ginger-beer,  or  to  find  fault  with  his  meals.  (She  is  par 
ticular  in  dwelling  on  this  last  point  for  the  benefit  of 
boarders.)  There  is  extant  a  book  of  travels  in  Ireland, 
containing  marginal  notes  in  the  hand-writing  of  the  de 
funct,  which  denounce  its  author  as  "a  meen  man,"  and 
inform  you  that  "  he  tells  lice"  when  not  eulogistic  of  the 
country.  We  infer  that  the  commentator  was  a  patriotic, 
but  imperfectly-educated  Irishman. 

His  relict  has  been  one  and  the  mistress  of  her  Estab 
lishment  for  eight  years.  She  frequently  alludes  to  the 
"  novelty"  of  her  employment,  by  way  of  indirectly  apolo- 


94  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

gizing  for  all  deficiencies.     There  are  plenty  of  them.     It 
is,  emphatically,  a  Mean  Boarding-House. 

If  we  knew  any  body  with  an  unappeasable  appetite 
for  salt  fish  and  sheep's  liver,  we  would  give  him  Mrs. 

— 's  address.  Those  dainties  always  predominate  at  her 
table.  They  formed  the  staple  meal  at  least  thrice  a  week, 
and  underwent  no  end  of  revivification — if  we  may  be 
allowed  the  expression  in  connection  with  cookery.  A 
piscine  odor  permeated  the  entire  Establishment — the  very 
window-curtains  smelt  of  it.  It  was  a  singular  and  beau 
tiful  study  to  observe  the  many  transformations  a  single 
dish  endured.  In  the  breakfast  steak  of  to-day  you  might 
recognize  the  corned  beef  of  yesterday's  dinner,  and  rea 
sonably  anticipate  encountering  it  in  to-morrow's  meat- 
pie,  and  the  next  day's  hash.  We  got  to  dating  from  the 
advent  of  certain  portions  of  animal  food — reckoning  upon 
our  fingers  the  lapse  of  days  by  them. 

All  meats — whether  pork,  veal,  mutton,  or  beef — are,  in 
a  double  sense,  exceedingly  rare  in  the  Mean  Boarding- 
House — probably  being  served  up  hi  that  state  that  the 
difficulties  of  mastication  may  prevent  any  considerable 
consumption ;  not  to  hint  at  the  desirability  of  punishing 
with  indigestion  and  nightmare  such  brutal  boarders 
whose  appetites  will  NOT  be  deterred.  The  joints  always 
present  fine  anatomical  displays  of  bone,  and  great  diffi 
culties  to  the  carver.  But  joints  are  of  seldom  occurrence. 
Liver  and  salt  fish  predominate.  And — for  a  treat — an 
occasional  bullock's-heart  on  Sunday. 

The  vegetables  are  worthy  of  notice.  Potatoes  tasting 
like  something  between  yellow  soap  and  bad  artichokes, 
carrots  out  of  which  all  flavor  has  been  boiled,  and  large, 
rank,  greasy  cabbages.  (There  is  always  a  suggestion  of 
these  latter,  by-the-bye,  flavoring  the  piscine  odor  before 
alluded  to.)  Mrs. prides  herself  on  her  pastry.  It 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  95 

is  of  solid  construction,  and  damp,  putty-like  material. 
"We  should  suppose  that  dripping,  saleratus,  and  potato- 
starch  enter  largely  into  the  ingredients.  With  the 
home-made  bread — produced  as  a  luxury — it  partakes  of 
a  highly  dyspeptic  character.  The  tea  is  so  weak  that 
you  would  n't  suppose  it  had  strength  to  drown  a  fly,  or 
dissolve  sugar.  The  coffee  tastes  of  horse-beans,  and  is 
invariably  concocted  over  night  (why,  we  know  not)  being 
re-warmed  for  the  morning's  consumption. 

Mrs. dispenses  these  delicacies  to  her  boarders  in 

person,  with  much  indirect  discourse  as  to  the  superiority 
of  "  good,  plain  living,"  over  "  kickshaws,"  and  many 
reminiscences  of  her  husband's  culinary  predilections.  It 
invariably  happens  that  he  would  have  preferred  the  meal 
in  progress  to  all  others.  Besides  being  a  marital  phoenix, 
he  is  a  defunct  Mrs.  Harris,  to  be  invoked  on  all  possible 
occasions. 

The  economy  observable  in  dietary  arrangements,  is 
also  carried  out  in  other  matters.  The  scanty  stair-carpet 
— confined  to  its  place  by  a  limited  allowance  of  rods — 
dwindles  into  shabby  drugget  on  turning  the  first  land 
ing-place,  and  disappears  altogether  at  the  second  story. 
Cheap  calico  window-curtains — on  which  are  landscapes  of 
gorgeous  colors,  but  more  than  Chinese  contempt  for  per 
spective — supply  the  place  of  sun-blinds.  And  the  various 
chambers  have  but  little  other  furniture  than  beds,  wash 
ing-stands,  and  little  mirrors,  chairs  being  infrequent. 
Our  apartment  contained  but  half  a  window,  an  unpainted 
pine-partition  separating  it  from  the  adjoining  room,  and 
dividing  the  casement  equally  between  them.  It  was, 
too,  rather  a  screen  than  partition,  as  it  did  not  reach  the 
ceiling  by  two  feet,  which  afforded  opportunity  for  inter 
change  of  small  courtesies,  such  as  brushes,  matches,  etc., 
with  our  neighbor.  (On  one  occasion  he  smashed  our 


96 


THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 


looking-glass  with  an  injudiciously  thrown  blacking-box.) 
Our  bedstead,  also,  did  not  possess  its  full  complement  of 
slats  or  cross-pieces,  and  we  tumbled  through — twice  a 
night  on  the  average — until  we  contrived  extemporaneous 
repairs  with  an  old  drawing-board,  and  fragmentary  easel. 
The  boarders  at  the  time  of  our  sojourn,  were  about 
twelve  in  number,  the  sexes  being  pretty  equally  repre 
sented.  We  will  briefly  enumerate  them.  A  married 
Tipperarian,  who  had  greatly  distinguished  himself  in  the 
Smith  O'Brien  campaign  of  '48,  by  demolishing  a  drum 
with  the  British  arms  upon  it ;  and  was,  in  consequence, 
greatly  beloved  by  his  compatriots.  A  widow,  with  two 
daughters,  the  elder  acknowledging  to  a  husband  in  Cali 


fornia,  but  refusing  to  recognize  him  in  a  hairy  and  intoxi 
cated  individual,  who,  one  night,  attempted  to  force  an 
entrance  into  the  house,  and  demanded  speech  with 
"  Betsy."  An  ex-sailor,  temporarily  reduced — or  advanced 
— to  the  position  of  a  policeman,  addicted  to  interlarding 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  97 

his  speech  with  proverbs,  and  to  going  to  sleep  on  duty, 
in  which  condition  he  once  had  his  star  stolen  from  him. 
His  wife  and  children.  A  red-haired  dry-goods  clerk, 
who  found  favor  in  the  eyes  of  the  landlady's  daughter, 
and  propitiated  the  mother  and  married  sister  by  presents 
of  ribbons.  A  hatter,  an  attorney's  clerk,  and  a  japanner 
or  dealer  in  ornamental  furniture,  complete  the  list.  The 
last-mentioned  individual  was  our  neighbor,  on  the  other 
side  of  the  partition,  and  had  a  shop  in  the  vicinity. 

Combining  the  foregoing  particulars  of  board  and 
boarders,  our  reader's  fancy  will  easily  supply  the  detail 
of  existence  within  the  walls  of  the  Mean  Boarding- 
House.  Our  landlady  had  but  one  characteristic  in  addi 
tion  to  those  already  chronicled.  She  generally  vanished 
immediately  after  dinner,  and  did  not  turn  up  till  supper- 
time,  when  she  always  groaned  a  good  deal,  and,  in  re 
sponse  to  the  inquiries  of  lady-boarders,  said  she  "  felt  bet 
ter."  The  Tipperarian  declared,  privately,  that  she  was 
in  the  habit  of  "  mugging  herself"  with  spirits ;  going  to 
bed  with  her  clothes  on,  and  a  black-bottle,  for  that 
purpose. 

Our  sojourn  would  scarcely  have  been  a  protracted  one 
under  any  circumstances,  but  was  brought  to  a  speedier 
close  than  we  had  anticipated.  A  few  weeks'  residence 
in  any  Boarding-House  generally  reveals  to  the  observer 
a  strong  under-current  of  slander,  in  which  more  or  less 
of  the  inhabitants  love  to  dabble  privately,  sprinkling  each 
other's  characters  as  with  diabolic  benediction.  (Had  we 
cared  to  descant  on  the  topic  we  might  have  added  a  con 
siderable  addendum,  especially  treating  of  it,  to  each 
chapter.)  In  the  Mean  Establishment,  this  amiable  weak 
ness  flourished  in  great  force,  and  presently  blossomed 
into  results.  The  landlady's  daughter  didn't  like  the 
policeman,  considering  his  calling  low  ;  and  the  California 

5 


98  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

widow  objected  to  his  wife,  accusing  her  of  smuggling 
bottles  of  Charles's  Cordial  Gin  into  the  house,  and,  what 
was  worse,  not  inviting  other  ladies  to  partake  of  them. 
The  attorney's  clerk — an  every- way  unpleasant  individual, 
and  the  "funny  man"  of  the  house — originated  floating 
libels  to  the  effect  that  the  japanner's  wardrobe  consisted 
of  but  one  shirt,  two  dickeys,  one  pair  of  socks  and  a 
collar,  and  that  he  washed  'em  himself,  and  dried  them 
by  suspension  from  his  chamber  window.  The  dry-goods 
man  privately  solicited  attention  to  the  hatter's  appetite, 
and  was  sure  that  the  husband  of  the  landlady's  married 
daughter  didn't  talk  so  much  with  the  California  widow 
for  nothing.  Finally  rows  took  place  at  table,  boarder 
squabbling  with  boarder  and  with  the  authorities. 

The  ex-sailor,  provoked  by  the  undisguised  scorn  of  the 
landlady's  daughter,  publicly  informed  every  body  that 
there  was  a  blamed  sight  more  Boarding-Houses  than 
parish-churches  in  ~New  York,  and  that  he  did  n't  care  a 
rotten  piece  of  junk  for  the  whole  bilin'  of  'em,  subse 
quently  offering  to  fight  the  landlady's  son-in-law  (which 
was  declined).  He  then  left  with  his  family.  The  japanner 
followed,  and  his  departure  subsequently  influenced  ours. 

We  did  not  join  in  the  general  chorus  of  depreciation 
which  pursued  our  late  neighbor,  and  in  consequence  were 
looked  upon  as  one  disaffected  to  the  ruling  powers,  and 
persecuted  accordingly.  Our  being  "  at  home"  was  denied 
to  visitors,  our  letters  were  refused,  or  performed  quaran 
tine  in  the  landlady's  pocket  before  reaching  us,  private 
intimations  of  "  dinner's  ready"  were  given  to  other 
boarders  in  advance  of  the  bell  (in  order  that  we  might 
arrive  at  a  disadvantage),  an  especially  uncomfortable 
chair  with  a  caving-in  seat  and  rickety  back  was  assigned 
to  us,  our  plate,  knife  and  fork  were  violently  hurled  r.t 
us,  our  ewer  was  unfilled,  our  towel  removed,  our  soap 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING- UO  USES.  99 

sequestered.  Finally  we  were  talked  at,  over  the  dinner 
table.  We  left,  #nd  making  common  cause  with  the 
japanner  determined  on  "  humors  of  revenge." 

A  neatly-worded  advertisement  to  the  effect  that  Mrs. 

was  desirous  of  accommodating  Irish  and  German 

families  with  board  at  the  rate  of  $1.50  per  head,  weekly, 
presently  appeared  .in  the  leading  daily  papers.  Emigra 
tion  was  in  full  vigor,  and  plenty  of  applicants  responded 
to  the  invitation,  the  average  being — as  we  were  informed 
by  the  policeman,  whose  beat  lay  in  that  quarter  (and 
who  took  a  fiendish  pleasure  in  directing  inquirers  to 

Mrs. \s)  about  ten  families,  daily.  Some  came  with 

bag  and  baggage,  and  were  slow  to  admit  the  possibility 
of  a  hoax,  attempting  to  effect  lodgments  in  the  passage, 
and  claiming  the  proprietress  as  their  country-woman. 
There  .was,  also,  much  difficulty  in  explaining  the  matter 
to  the  Germans  in  consequence  of  their  general  ignorance 
of  the  English  language. 

The  landlady  made  her  son-in-law  write.ungrammatically- 
indignant  letters  to  the  papers  denouncing  the  authors  of 
the  advertisement  as  malignant  and  evil-disposed  ex- 
boarders.  But  the  series  of  events  were  not  destined  to 
end  thus  quietly.  The  Tipperarian  fell  into  disfavor,  being 
suspected  of  intimacy  with  the  conspirators.  He  was 
therefore  not  only  subjected  to  a  series  of  petty  persecu 
tions  similar  to  those  which  had  effected  our  removal,  but 
an  additional  one  was  originated  for  his  especial  annoy 
ance.  Knowing  that  he  went  to  bed  early,  the  attorney's 
clerk  stimulated  other  male  boarders  to  the  nocturnal 
performance  of  negro  choruses,  interspersed  with  howls, 
under  his  window,  at  the  back  of  the  house.  On  the 
second  of  these  charivari  the  wrathful  Celt  descended  in 
great  fury  and  undress,  made  so  fierce  an  attack  on  the 
party  that  he  utterly  routed  them,  pursued  the  landlady's 


100  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

son-in-law  into  the  street,  and  for  the  space  of  several 
blocks,  finally  giving  him  in  charge  of  our  friend  the  po 
liceman  and  ex-boarder,  who  promptly  conveyed  him  to  the 
station-he  use.  Next  morning,  as  might  be  expected,  the 
Tipperarian  received  notice  to  quit.  Before  doing  so, 
however,  he,  learning  from  his  wife  that  another  musical 
entertainment — and  one  of  some  pretensions — was  pro 
jected  on  a  particular  evening,  resolved  on  an  attempt  at 
reciprocity. 

With  this  view  (after  making  arrangements  for  his  wife's 
removal),  he  engaged  three  barrel-organs,  a  trombone,  and 
five  drums;  laid  in  a  supply  of  whisky,  tobacco  and 
sausages ;  and  perpetrated  the  most  unique  soiree  musi- 
cale  we  ever  had  the  pleasure  of  attending.  The  com 
pany  were  mainly  Irishmen,  but  included  one  German  (to 
play  the  trombone),  and  the  japanner(who  took  a  drum). 
All  -arrived  at  8  P.  M. — much  about  thet  time  that  the  more 
genteel  party  assembled  below — and  until  the  notes  of  a 
harp  and  violin  gave  the  signal,  quiet  was  observed,  broken 
by  the  performance  of  a  grand  overture  by  the  entire 
strength  of  the  company  (with  the  exception  of  one  big 
drum  which,  proving  too  large  to  be  got  through  the 
doorway,  had  been  burst  in  the  endeavor).  We  despair 
of  conveying  to  our  readers  any  idea  of  the  effect.  With 
the  exception  of  the  German,  no  performer  had  the 
slightest  practical  knowledge  of  music.  The  barrel  organs 
went  off  at  different  tunes,  the  four  impromptu  drummers 
attempted  a  demoniac  reveille,  and  the  German  played 
any  thing  he  pleased — all  uniting  in  one  common  sentiment, 
that  of  endeavoring  to  make  as  much  noise  as  possible.  A 
pause  for  refreshment,  in  the  shape  of  pipes  and  whisky, 
encouraged  the  opposition  to  a  feeble  attempt  at  rivalry 
with  a  guitar  and  flute — our  drums  soon  silenced  it.  The 
subsequent  performance  of  "  Ben  Bolt"  (that  melody  was 


NEW    YORK     BO  AKDIN  G-II  -OL*SE3.  101 

just  then  at  the  height  of  its  popularity),  by  the  combined 
aids  of  one  barrel-organ,  the  trombone,  and  an  extempo 
raneous  accompaniment  formed  by  shaking  cents  together 
in  a  washing-basin,  was  voted  less  effective,  and  the  drums 
insisted  on  coming  into  play  again.  Ten  minutes  more 
produced  an  envoy  from  below,  in  the  shape  of  the  attor 
ney's  clerk,  who,  looking  very  pale  and  excited — but  got- 
up,  with  respect  to  costume  generally,  and  shirt-collar  in 
particular,  in  a  gorgeous  manner — wished  to  know  (with 

Mrs. 's  compliments)  "  the  meaning  of  all  this."   The 

Tipperarian  replied  by  explaining  that  "  a  little  music" 
was  in  progress,  and  proffered  hospitality,  in  the  shape  of 


a  pipe,  sausages,  and  whisky.  Rejecting  these  with  ireful 
dignity,  the  envoy  waxed  wroth,  and  stimulated  by  the 
consciousness  that  the  company  below  were  listening  to 
the  colloquy,  began  to  talk  loudly  and  fiercely.  In  all 
probability  a  %ht  would  have  ensued,  but  for  an  unlooked- 
for  accident  which  very  nearly  induced  a  tragic  termina 
tion  to  the  absurdities  of  the  night. 


N]          T      R  K;-    BOARDING-HOUSES. 

In  the  excitement  incidental  to  the  occasion,  the  oppo 
sition  party  had  quitted  their  room  for  the  stair-case,  or 
crowded  about  the  doorway,  thus  establishing  a  thorough 
draught  of  air  from  the  open  window,  which  wafted  the 
light  gauzy  curtain  to  a  recently-ignited  lamp.  It  was  on 
fire  in  a  moment.  The  alarm  was  given,  women  screamed, 
men  swore,  fire-bells  tolled,  engines  arrived  and  a  posse  of 
red  shirts  and  a  dense  mob  blockaded  the  streets,  as  the 
Tipperarian  was  lugged  oif  by  the  police — his  guests  es 
caping  in  the  confusion. 

******* 

Pie  was  fined  ten  dollars  next  day,  arid  discharged  from 
custody.  We  received  an  industriously  greased  and  ill- 
spelt  challenge  from  the  attorney's  clerk  for  our  presumed 
participation  in  the  concert,  and  disgusted  him  exceedingly 
by  an  expression  of  readiness  for  a  pugilistic  encounter — 
which,  however,  never  came  oif.  And  since  then  we  have 
heard  nothing  of  the  Mean  Boarding-House,  or  of  its 
occupants.  Nor  are  we  particularly  desirous  of  informa 
tion. 


CHAPTER  XII. 


THE   BOARDING-HOUSE   WHERE   THERE   ARE   MARRIAGEABLE 
DAUGHTERS. 


HIS  Establish 
ment  has  some 
few  character 
istics  akin  to 
those  detailed 
in  connection 
with  the  aris 
tocratic  one 
described  in 
Chapter  Five, 
yet  as  it  is 
every  way  n 
broader  and 
stronger  type 
of  a  very  numerous  class,  we  at  once  recognize  its  claimn 
to  a  place  in  our  Physiology. 

It  is  situate  in  a  street  north  of  Canal  (no  matter  for 
its  name)— one  of  those  which  intersect  Broadway,  the 
blocks  adjacent  to  which  are  more  stylishly  built  thar: 
those  farther  on,  where  they  degenerate  into  very  com 
mon-place  and  mean-looking  tenements.  Our  present 
Boarding-House  stands  on  debatable  ground,  between  the 
junction  of  these  extremes,  and  is  a  plain  brick  building, 


104  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

which  might  be  rendered  brighter  and  cleaner-looking  by 
an  application  of  the  paint-brush.  Mrs.  has  occu 
pied  it  for  twenty  years — since  the  death  of  her  second 
husband. 

She  is  a  large  woman,  with  a  full  face,  a  hooky  nose, 
and  speculative  eye,  like  a  Jewish  version  of  Mrs.  Trol- 
lope's  Widow  Barnaby.  Her 
nose,  indeed,  is  in  such  undesir 
able  propinquity  to  her  chin  as  to 
set  one  involuntarily  cogitating 
whether  her  defunct  husbands 
ever  kissed  her,  and  if  so,  how  they 
managed  it.  She  generally  ap 
pears  in  a  hideous,  copperas-color 
ed  gown,  without  any  thing  white 
about  her  neck,  and  a  black  wig. 

In  conversation  she  is  chatty  and  obsequious — especially  if 
you  are  an  eligible  young  man  in  search  of  board.  Single 
lodgers  preponderate  in  her  Establishment,  of  which  her 
daughters  constitute  the  main  feature  and  attraction. 

These  young  ladies  are  three  in  number,  of  the  respect 
ive  ages  of  thirty,  twenty-five,  and  sixteen,  the  elder 
being  the  result  of  the  first  marriage.  All  three  appear 
excessively  affable,  amiable  and  approachable,  and  it -is 
your  own  fault  if  they  do  not  speedily  become  affectionate 
also.  As  they  have  not  the  finesse  and  dashing  assump 
tion  of  patrician  breeding  characterizing  the  ladies  of 
the  Aristocratic  Boarding-House  Where  you  Don't  get 
enough  to  Eat,  they  make  bolder  advances,  and  play  a 
coarser  game  generally.  Like  them,  however,  each  has 
her  peculiar  role,  and  though  quite  a  penny,rdfe  in  com 
parison  with  those  of  the  brilliant  misses  described  in 
Chapter  Five,  contrives  to  carry  it  out  with  that  vigor  of 
which  only  a  woman  in  quest  of  a  husband  is  capable. 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  105 

Admitted  into  what  Mrs. terms  their  "  pleasant 

social  circle,"  you  are,  in  the  phrase  of  Inspector  Bucket 
of  Bleak  House,  "  reckoned  up"  in  a  twinkling,  and,  ac 
cording  to  your  idiosyncracy,  made  over  as  a  lawful  waif 
and  stray  to  one  of  the  three  young  ladies.  They  may  be 
thus  discriminated.  No.  1.  Poetic  and  strong-minded, 
the  last  quality  subject  to  modification  according  to  the 
humor  of  the  destined  victim.  No.  2.  Religious.  No.  3. 
Gushing  and  exuberant.  One  would  suppose  that  each  of 
them  had  studied  Phrenology  at  our  friends  Fowler  and 
Well?,  and  there  formed  different  estimates  of  the  thick 
ness  of  the  masculine  skull  over  various  organs  ;  No.  1  de 
termining  on  reaching  the  brain  through  Firmness  and 
Ideality,  No.  2  attacking  generation,  and  No.  3  Amative- 
ness. 

Each,  then,  and  in  dubious  cases,  all  together,  unmask 
all  their  batteries  of  fascination  to  reduce  the  Malakoff 
of  your  bachelor  heart  to  capitulation.  No.  1  listens  with 
grave  attention  to  your  remarks,  and  is  surprisingly  of 
your  opinion  on  politics,  literature,  and  fashion — though 
for  the  latter  she  cares  but  little,  despising  all  "frivoli 
ties."  She  supports  you  in  argument,  even  to  the  extent 
of  hinting  pretty  broadly  to  your  opponents  that  they 
are  ill-bred,  and  know  nothing  of  what  they're  talking 
about.  She  thinks  women  ought  to  have  the  privilege  of 
voting,  and  "  knows  somebody"  (with  a  corner-of-the-eye 
glance  at  you)  "who  she'd  send  to  Congress — if  she  could, 
but  won't  tell  who  for  the  world."  She  believes  strongly 
in  Alexander  Smith's  Life  Drome ^  and  likes  to  get  you 
to  read  Byron  aloud — but,  of  course,  is  entirely  un 
acquainted  with  Don  Juan,  though,  singularly  enough, 
the  volume  (her  property)  always  opens  at  that  naughty 
poem.  And  when,  on  one  occasion,  your  copy  of  Walt 
Whitman's  Leaves  of  Grass  disappeared  for  three  whole 

5* 


106 


THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 


days,  she  it  was  who  brought  it  to  you,  having  discovered 
it  behind  the  sofa,  where  it  had  unaccountably  slipped. 

If  you  are  a  mildly-developed  young  man  with  religious 
proclivities,  beware  of  No.  2.  She  teaches  at  Sunday- 
school,  and  belongs  to  a  society  which  instigates  lady- 
brigands  to  wait  upon  down-town  merchants,  editors,  and 
business  men  generally,  in  their  offices,  there  to  solicit 
subscriptions  for  an  impracticable  charity.  She  is  a 
church  member,  and  will  denounce  the  Schottische  or 
German  on  the  smallest  provocation.  It  is  rumored  that 
she  carries  in  her  bosom  the  miniature  daguerreotype  of  a 
gentleman  studying  for  the  ministry,  together  with  a 
small  theological  pamphlet  bearing  the  title  of  "  Milk  for 
Babes."  All  burlesque  phrases  applied  to  aught  that  may 
be  supposed  serious — such  as  the  over-quoted  drollery  of 
"  Harp  of  a  Thousand  Strings" — shock  her  inexpressibly. 
And  an  artist-boarder  once  incurred  her  lasting  displeas 
ure,  when  requested  to  sketch  Moses  in  the  bulrushes  for 
her  album,  by  depicting  a  terrified  Jew  peddler  between 
two  rushing  animals  of  the  bovine  species. 


NEW     YORK      BOARDING-HOUSES. 


107 


No.  3  is  at  once  the  belle  and  boast  of  the  Establish 
ment,  being  both  prettier  and  younger,  and  therefore 
more  attractive,  than  her  sisters.  She  is  an  arch  coquette, 
and,  like  most  coquettes,  sometimes  ventures  very  far  in 
flirtation,  and  is  most  accessible  to  the  more  daring  of  her 
admirers.  She  prefers  a  game  of  romps  or  blind  man's 
buff  to  books  or  conversation,  and,  in  the  latter  sport,  it. 
is  delightful  to  see  her  dart  into  corners  to  avoid  your 
outstretched  arms,  uttering  the  most  musical  of  little 
shrieks  all  the  time  until  caught — when  she  vows  it's 
"  not  fair,"  and  that  she  will  retaliate.  And  be  sure,  if 
her  endeavors  be  successful,  that  she  will  pull  your  whis 
kers  and  feel  your  moustache  in  order  to  identify  you. 

Some  characteristics  the  ladies  possess  in  common. 
They  are  equally  partial  to  moonlight  walks  on  summer 
evenings,  to  sitting  at  the  open  windows  Before  the  lamp 
is  lit,  and  to  lingering  on  the  doorstep — all  in  company 
with  the  gentlemen,  who  are  kindly  permitted  to  smoke 


on  these  occasions.  Sometimes  No.  3  condescends  to 
ignite  a  cigar  for  some  favored  boarder,  and  even  to  ap 
ply  her  own  rosy  lips  to  the  same,  returning  it  with  much 


108  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OP 

coughing  and  the  assertion  that  she  "quite  likes  it." 
Upon  which,  if  you  remark  that  it 's  like  getting  a  kiss  by 
deputy,  she  slaps  you,  laughs,  and  runs  away,  but  unwill 
ing  to  risk  hurting  your  feelings  by  the  apprehension  of 
her  displeasure,  comes  back  again  almost  immediately. 
We  have  known  her  to  be  kissed  in  the  passage,  and  to 
.take  it  very  quietly.  But  such  indulgences,  as  you  will 
probably  find,  almost  invariably  precipitate  a  matrimonial 
engagement,  which  will  be  broken  in  a  month  by  the 
discovery  that  others  have  enjoyed,  are  enjoying,  or  may 
enjoy,  the  same  privileges.  No.  3  has  jilted  more  swains 
than  you  can  count  upon  your  ten  fingers,  and  that  too 
entirely  in  deference  to  mamma  and  the  almighty  dollar. 

A  thorough-going  Old  Soldier  is  Mrs. !  She  lets 

no  opportunity  of  praising  "her  dear  girls"  escape  her. 
She  wonders  how  any  one  can  be  insensible  to  their 
charms  of  mind  and  person.  They  are  so  good,  so  amia 
ble,  so  dutiful,  so  industrious,  that  she  don't  know  how 
she  shall  ever  make  up  her  mind  to  part  with  them.  He 
who  wins  either  will  indeed  gain  a  treasure,  and  must 
himself  be  a  paragon — the  model  and  quintessence  of 
every  manly  virtue  ere  he  obtains  her  consent.  Notwith 
standing  which,  we  once  overheard  her  tell  No.  1  that  she 

was  "  real  sick  of  her,"  and  wished  to that  "  some 

Fool  of  a  Man"  would  take  her  off  her  hands.  It  made 
a  great  impression  upon  us  at  the  time. 

If  you  are  supposed  to  entertain  a  tendresse  toward  No. 
1,  you  learn  at  the  tea-table  that  "  that  delicious  cake"  is 
of  her  making ;  an  admirer  of  No.  2  is  privately  informed 
that  she  clothes  half  the  poor  children  in  the  ward ;  while 
No.  3  cuts  out  her  own  dresses,  and  is  n't  "  such  a  mad 
cap  as  she  seems,"  but  will  sober  down  into  a  "  most  ex 
cellent,  affectionate,  warm-hearted  girl."  All  of  which 
you  may  believe  or  not ;  but  if  you  incline  to  the  bright 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING- HOUSES.  109 

side  of  the  picture,  we  -should  n't  advise  you  to  darken  it 
by  looking  very  closely  into  the  landlady's  face.  For  it  is 
ominously  suggestive  of  what  "  the  girls"  may  look  like 
in  advanced  life.  We  have  known  a  budcling  offer  for 
No.  3  blighted  by  this  simple  circumstance. 

Not  content  with  the  matrimonial  opportunities  afforded 
to  them  by  their  mother's  Establishment — which  may  be 
looked  upon-  as  a  hymeneal  man-trap — the  young  ladies 
occasionally  try  elsewhere  for  victims — even  at  the  risk  of 
meeting  victimizers.  There  are  stories  afloat  among  the 
more  knowing  boarders,  of  "the  girls"  having  answered 
matrimonial  advertisements,  and  we  can  depose  to  the 
fact  that  when  the  Phyfe  correspondence  got  into  the 
papers  Nos.  2  and  3  were  singularly  agitated.  All  three 
will  admit  that  they  have  been  to  Madame  Morrow1  s  to 
have  their  fortunes  told — if  not  to  other  "  Witches  of  New 
York,"  also.  But  then  ten  times -the  wit  and  humor  of 
our  friend  "Doesticks"  would  hardly  suffice  to  keep  "  young 
ladies"  away  from  such  places. 

Whether  they  act  in  concert  on  a  common  understand 
ing,  or  carry  on  the  war,  individually,  each  on  her  own 
hook,  we  never  were  able  to  ascertain.  Certainly  they 
appear  to  live  in  remarkable  unanimity,  and  if  squabbles 
occur,  the  Napoleonic  axiom  of  washing  dirty  linen  at 
home  is  strictly  observed.  Even  on  rather  provoking  oc 
casions — such  as  the  discovery  of  one  sister  in  the  cham 
ber  of  a  boarder*  presumably  devoted  to  the  intruding 
party — no  loss  of  temper  has  resulted.  They  twine  arms 
round  one  another's  waists  in  the  sweetest  sisterly  fashion, 
talk  awhile  with  you,  and  presently  skip  away,  leaving 
you  puzzled,  enchanted,  or  amused,  according  to  your 
temperament. 

We  have  little  to  say  of  the  diet  of  this  Establishment, 
or  of  individual  boarders :  the  former  is  but  indifferent, 


110  NEW     YORK     BOARDING- HOUSES. 

the  latter  (as  has  already  been  observed)  consisting,  gen 
erally,  of  young  men — who  do  not  stop  long.  Perhaps 
the  young  ladies  rather  over-do  the  Art  of  Fascination ; 
perhaps  the  prospect  of  such  a  mother-in-law  terrifies  the 
gentlemen.  Any  way,  Nos.  1,  2,  and  3,  continue  unmar 
ried.  We  should  n't  wonder  if  the  younger  sister  finally 
effected  it,  and  take  this  opportunity  to  advise  her  future 
husband  to  immediately  emigrate  with  his  bride  to  Cali 
fornia,  to  change  his  name,  and  repudiate  all  connection 
with  his  wife's  relatives.  Following  this  counsel  he  may 
stand  a  chance  of  happiness. 


CHAPTER    XIII. 


THE   CHEAP    HOTEL   BOAKDING-HOUSE. 


one  of  those  business-like 
thoroughfares  which  are 
peculiarly  characteristic  of 
the  lower  part  of  New  York 
— whose  dusky  red  stores 
have  iron  shutters,  and  the 
names  of  their  occupants 
painted  up  in  black  letters 
upon  a  white  ground- — 
whose  sidewalks  are  perpet 
ually  blockaded  by  bales, 
barrels,  and  boxes — where 
the  pedestrian's  progress  is 
rendered  perilous  by  the 
transit,  on  skids,  of  un 
wieldy  merchandise  from 

cart  to  store,  or  vice  versa— where,  throughout  the  week, 
wholesale  traffic  reigns,  and  which,  on  Sundays,  has  a 
very  funereal  and  dead-wall  aspect— is  a  huge,  seven-story, 
corner  building,  bearing  its  designation  in  proportionate 
letters.  It  is  at  once  a  cheap  Hotel  and  Boarding-House. 
A  showy  bar-room,  furnished  with  the  usual  amount  of 
plate-glass,  many-colored  liquors,  cigar-boxes,  etc.,  occu- 


112  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OP 

pies  the  front  of  the  lower  story.  Here,  when  there  are 
but  few  customers,  a  portly  German,  of  some  eighteen 
stone  weight,  may  be  seen  reclining  in  an  arm-chair,  half 
asleep,  yet,  with  the  instinctive  vigilance  of  a  landlord, 
keeping  one  eye  open.  He  is  wide  awake  enough  of  even 
ings,  and  of  all  evenings  in  the  week,  that  of  Saturday.  Drop 
in  then,  you  will  find  him  the  center  of  a  busy  scene,  and 
ready  to  take  drinks,  successively,  with  every  individual 
member  of  a  motley  and  miscellaneous  crowd  there  assem 
bled.  Boarders  pay  up,  for  the  preceding  week,  at  this 
period,  and  much  mirth,  but  more  noise,  is  in  progress 
everywhere.  Men  clustering  in  front  of  the  bar;  men  sit 
ting,  spitting,  drinking  and  smoking  round  the  stove  (if 
in  winter),  men  bending  over  the  bagatelle-table  at  one 
end  of  the  room,  men  cursing,  quarreling,  or  striking  the 
table  at  cards,  and  men  engaged  in  the  quieter  games  of 
checkers  or  dominoes.  A  fog  of  tobacco-smoke,  and  a 
perfect  Babel  of  clamor  prevails,  the  language  used  being 
as  various  as  the  speakers,  but,  as  may  be  guessed,  the 
"  rich  Irish  brogue"  which  General  Scott  found  so  charm 
ing  while  on  his  presidential  canvass,  is  predominant. 

Most  of  the  boarders — the  house  accommodates  upward 
of  eighty  on  the  average  (sometimes  more) — are  laboring 
men,  having  employment  in  adjacent  wholesale  stores, 
about  wharfs,  etc.  It  is,  Jby  express  rule,  a  bachelor  Es 
tablishment.  A  stair-case,  rather  dirtier  than  the  middle 
of  a  street  on  a  rainy  day,  gives  access  to  the  upper  por 
tion  of  the  house,  which  is  divided  into  innumerable 
rooms,  of  different  degrees  of  smallness,  some  containing 
three  beds,  the  majority  only  one.  They  are  plainly 
furnished,  and  indifferently  supplied  with  water,  but  one 
ewer  being  allowed  to  each  chamber.  The  servants,  un 
like  their  master  and  mistress,  are  Irish,  but  have  dwelt 
so  long  in  the  establishment  as  to  have  become  compara- 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING- HOUSES. 


113 


tively  Germanized,  and  one  of  them — a  character  in  her 
way — can  talk  Deutsche  like  any  native-born  Teuton. 
They  are  mostly  ugly  girls,  of  squat  figure,  very  good- 
humored,  slatternly,  and  industrious. 

When  the  dinner-bell  rings — at  noon  precisely — there 's 
a  rush  of  men  from  the  bar-room  to  a  large  apartment  im 
mediately  over  it — (occasionally  used  for  public  meetings, 
clubs,  etc.)  Every  body  helps  himself  at  table,  and,  consid 
ering  the  limited  space  afforded  for  elbow-movement,  the 
meal  is  disposed  of  in  a  miraculously  short  space — about  ten 
minutes  sufficing  to  "  get  through"  with  it.  Quantity  rather 
than  quality  is  looked  for  at  the  hands  of  the  caterers, 
and  they  do  their  best  to  satisfy  this  expectation.  Colos 
sal  joints  of  coarse  meats  already  cut  into  slices,  pyramids 
of  potatoes,  swamps  of  squash,  and  acres  of  collapsed  cab 
bages — all  having  received  extreme  unction  in  liquid 
grease — disappear  as  rapidly  as  if  each  boarder  had  made 
a  private  arrangement  with  Xature  for  a  perfectly  unlim 
ited  supply  of  gastric  juice.  A  company  of  ostriches, 
dining  on  flat-irons,  a  la  maitre  d'hotel,  horse-shoes,  au 


114  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

yratin,  and  ten-penny  nails  confiture,  could  not  be  less 
apprehensive  of  indigestion.  The  acknowledged  mode  of 
proceeding  appears  to  be  seizing  upon  the  dish  placed 
before  you,  and  "  going  into"  it  without  wasting  time  by 
looking  for  other  condiments  than  those  at  hand.  Veal 
preponderates  over  other  meats — why,  we  don't  know. 
Sundays  are  celebrated  by  sumptuous  banquets  of  strong 
ly-scented  ham  and  oyster-soups — which  last  are  provoca 
tive  of  much  emulation.  For  the  bivalves,  in  addition  to 
being  of  dwarfish  and  withered  aspect,  are  so  few  in 
number  that  you  might  fancy  them  swimming  round  the 
tureen  in  disconsolate  search  for  one  another,  and  happy 
to  be  brought  into  companionship  by  the  first  dip  of  the 
successful  boarder's  spoon.  On  Sundays,  too,  a  little 
more  leisure  is  vouchsafed  to  the  meal — it  is  not  disposed 
of  under  fifteen  minutes.  But  if  you  come  in  later,  only 
a  chaos  of  fragments,  bones,  and  cold  vegetables,  awaits 
you. 

The  landlady,  her  daughter,  and  the  servants,  wait  at 
table.  The  first  is  a  spare  little  woman,  very  active  and 
alive  to  the  main  chance — so  much  so,  indeed,  that  we 
have  heard  it  asserted  by  one  of  her  boarders,  that  she 
"  would  skin  a  flea  for  the  hide  and  tallow."  But  this 
we  incline  to  regard  as  a  mere  poetic  figure  of  speech,  as 
the  few  fleas  in  her  establishment,  so  far  from  being 
flayed,  are  generously  allowed  to  puncture  the  skins  of  the 
boarders.  One  thing  is  unanimously  admitted,  that  Mrs. 

•• is  always  very  kind  when  a  boarder  is  sick.  On  the 

whole  she  is  popular,  and  deservedly  so.  The  lodgers 
are  rough,  careless,  hard-working  men,  but  generally 
good-humored  and  kindly,  and,  like  most  persons  in 
humble  life,  always  willing  to  assist  one  another  when  oc 
casion  calls  for  it. 

Mrs. 's  daughter  is  a  young  lady  of  eighteen,  pos- 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING- HOUSES.  115 

sessing  fashionable  aspirations,  and  much  admired  by  the 
good-looking  young  men  boarders.  She  appears  in  great 
splendor  at  the  yearly  balls — for.  balls  are  got  up  at  our 
Cheap  Hotel  Boarding-House — the  boarders  subscribing 
for  a  band,  inviting  their  lady-friends  and  relations,  doing 
every  thing  complete  and  proper,  and  keeping  it  up,  too, 
just  for  all  the  world  as  though  they  lived  in  the  Fifth 
Avenue,  and  owned — not  worked  in — down-town  stores. 
And  we  don't  know  but  that  they  enjoy  themselves  quite 
as  much  as  richer  folks — perhaps  more,  as  such  entertain 
ments  are  of  less  frequent  occurrence  with  them,  and 
therefore  more  keenly'  appreciated.  Any  way  we  are 
sure  that  the  big  room  over  the  bar  presents  a  plea. 
santer  appearance  when  occupied  by  some  two  hundred 
couples,  gayly  gyrating  in  the  Schottische  or  Polka, 
than  when  thronged  by  a  mob  of  heated,  brawling,  foul- 
mouthed,  rowdy  politicians.  "YVe  have  seen  it  under  both 
aspects,  and  ought  to  know.  (Our  Cheap  Hotel  Boarding- 
House  is  quite  the  "Headquarters"  of  the  down-town 
Democracy  during  popular  Elections.  We  should  n't 
advise  any  body  to  try  and  vote  any  ticket  but  that 
favored  by  the  unterrified,  in  the  immediate  vicinity.) 

For  our  portly  landlord,  he  is  a  prosperous  man,  and 
apparently  gets  rich  and  stout  in  proportion  as  he  grows 
older — wherefore  we  see  no  reason  why  he  should  n't 
rival  the  wealth  of  Astor  and  the  bulk  of  Falstaff.  We 
believe  him  to  be  a  good  fellow — as  an  act  of  Samaritan- 
ship,  performed  toward  a  sick  carpenter,  may  testify. 
He  kept  the  man  at  his  own  cost  rather  than  send  him 
to  a  hospital,  and  subsequently  advanced  the  money  to 
bury  him.  Yet  a  parting  word  of  censure.  Perhaps 
some  of  his  boarders  might  hold  their  hard-earned  dol 
lars  more  closely  but  for  the  existence  of  his  bar,  and 
its  facilities  for  drinking  and  card-playing.  We  have 


116 


NEW    YOKK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 


heard  of  cases  in  which  the  latter  has  only  been  aban 
doned  in  the  bar-room  to  be  recommenced  in  the  apart 
ment  of  one  of  the  gamblers,  there  to  be  continued  until 
the  rosy  smile  of  a  new-born  day  lit  up  the  opposite  house 
tops,  and  reproached  the  haggard-faced  victims  for  their 
desecration  of  the  peaceful  night.  And  though  our  Cheap 
Hotel  Boarding-House  be  conducted  as  decently  as  is 
possible,  we  can  yet  fancy  a  better  home  for  working-men 
than  we  have  just  described. 


CHAPTER    XIV. 


THE   BOARDING-HOUSE   WHERE   THE   LANDLADY   DRINKS. 


E  once  had  three 
weeks'  experience 
of  an  Establishment 
which  can  only  be 
rightly  discriminated 
by  the  above  title. 

It  happened  in 
consequence  of  a 
change  of  'dynasty  in 
our,  then,  Boarding- 
House.  We  were 
made  over,  in  com 
pany  with  a  house-full 
of  fellow-victims,  to 
a  new  landlady;  the 
former — a  handsome  Kentuckian — relinquishing  the  busi 
ness  for  private  life.  The  tenement  was  a  spacious,  old- 
fashioned  one,  in  a  street  south  of  Canal,  running  west 
ward  from  Broadway.  It  had  been  admirably  ruled 
under  the  former  proprietorship.  How  we  fared  with  the 
new,  we  shall  proceed  to  relate. 

Mrs. was  a  woman  of  fifty,  with  a  flushed  coun 
tenance,  a  nose  like  a  bulbous  strawberry  which  had  been 
left  out  in  the  rain  so  long  that  the  color  had  got  partially 


118  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

washed  out  of  it ;  and  a  rheumatic  husband,  of  feeble  in 
tellect  and  demeanor.  His  occupations  seemed  confined 
to  befogging  himself  with  yesterday's  newspapers,  open 
ing  the  street-door  upon  unnecessary  occasions,  getting  in 
the  way  of  the  servants  when  they  laid  the  dinner,  and 
justifying  the  appearance  of  that  meal  when  served  be 
fore  or  behind  the  proper  hour,  by  the  production  of  a 
large  silver  chronometer,  the  veracity  of  which  it  was  im 
piety  to  question.  His  lady's  peculiarities,  however,  can 
not  be  dismissed  so  easily. 

,The  lessee  of  a  Boarding-House  succeeding  a  popular 
predecessor  is  likely  to  be  very  closely  scrutinized  by  her 
lodgers.  They  are  apt  to  be  suspicious  of  deteriorations 
in  diet  and  other  alterations  for  the  worse ;  and,  if  any 
peg  to  hang  complaints  upon  be  discoverable,  the  new 
landlady  will  soon  find  abundant  illustration  of  the  truth 
of  the  copy-book  proverb,  that  "  Comparisons  are  Odious." 
In  the  present  instance,  the  boarders  had  good  reason  for 
grumbling. 

Instead  of  the  palatable  soup  heretofore  initiative  of  din 
ner,  a  liquid  abomination  apparently  derived  from  boiling 
dish-clouts  in  equal  proportions  of  dripping  and  water, 
and  subsequently  flavoring  with  cayenne  pepper  and  salt, 
was  substituted.  In  place  of  goodly  joints  of  boiled,  and 
baked  (roast  is  unknown  in  ALL  Boarding-Houses),  we  en 
tered  upon  an  interminable  prospect  of  over-cooked  pork 
— that  Monsieur  Tonson  of  Boarding-House  tables.  Cof 
fee  became  cloudier,  tea  of  a  more  delicately  resinous 
hue,  sugar  grittier,  milk  more  calcareous.  Fish  of  evil 
odor  appeared.  Hashes  and  stews  began  to  preponderate 
over  substantial  dishes.  Every  thing  culinary  was  subject 
to  the  dismalest  deterioration.  Added  to  which  our 
landlady's  behavior,  at  table,  began  to  be  very  extraordi 
nary. 


NEW    YOBK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  119 

She  came  to  dinner  with  a  very  red  face,  and  a  curiously 
hazy  appearance  about  the  eyes,  accompanied  by  a  sort  of 
spasmodic  wink.  Her  conduct  while  presiding  was  singular 
and  disconcerting.  She  assisted  the  boarders  to  food  in  an 
arbitrary  and  inconsistent  manner,  heaping  some  plates  to 
an  extent  sufficient  to  satisfy  the  appetite  of  a  hungry  giant, 
while  others  received  no  more  than  could  have  been  easily 
disposed  of  by  a  full-grown  canary.  When  their  return 
hinted  dissatisfaction  at  these  proceedings,  she  reversed 
her  blunder,  indulging  at  the  same  time  in  a  confused  and 
hiccupy  monologue  about  "people  not  knowing  what 
they  wanted."  Her  carving  was  odd,  and  productive  of 
strangely-shaped  wedges  of  meat.  She  used  the  big  knife 
and  fork  in  a  very  startling  manner.  We  have  seen  her 
eat  her  own  dinner,  with  these  utensils,  subsequently  wip 
ing  them  on  her  sleeve. 

Furthermore,  she  occasionally  evinced  a  preternatural 
liveliness,  and  made  wild  dashes  at  conversation,  address 
ing  remarks  about  the  weather  to  boarders  at  the  remote 
end  of  the  table,  or  violently  requesting  their  approbation 
of  the  dinner.  Frequently,  too,  she  became  impressed 
with  the  singular  notion  that  certain  individuals  were  fond 
of  particular  dishes,  and,  especially,  that  her  husband 
liked  beans.  There  was  a  peculiarly  disagreeable  kind  of 
them  (which  tasted  like  something  between  bees-wax  and 
bitter  aloes,  and  always  got  harder  by  boiling)  prevalent 

at  meals,  and  in  spite  of  Mr. 's  feeble  disclaimations, 

his  lady  would  favor  him  with  immense  quantities,  heap 
ing  them  on  his  plate  with  her  own  fair  hand,  also  sending 
the  servants,  with  dishes  full  of  the  obnoxious  vegetables, 
to  him.  Once  we  saw  four  of  these  in  front  of  the  un 
happy  gentleman. 

During  these  rather  eccentric  proceedings  on  the  part 
of  our  landlady,  a  corpulent,  puffy-faced  boarder,  who  in- 


120  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

variably  sat  on  her  left  hand,  gradually  emerged  into  no 
tice  as  pre-eminently  distinguished  by  her  favor.  They 
laughed  and  talked  together  a  good  deal,  and  at  length 
proceeded  to  what  might  be  termed  ornithological  en 
dearments,  such  as  chirping,  and  calling  one  another 
"'Dickey"  and  even  reciprocating  chuckings  under  the 
chin.  This  boarder  had  made  his  appearance  in  the  house 
in  company  with  his  fair  friend  and  her  husband,  and  was, 
we  presume,  an  old  acquaintance.  Whispers  circulated 
that  he  owned  a  small  groggery,  and  took  the  rent  out  in 
spirits,  which  he  and  the  landlady  drank  together.  We 
incline  to  credence  in  that  statement. 

Of  course,  these  peculiarities  of  conduct  attracted  consid 
erable  attention  on  the  part  of  the  boarders.  Many  were 
amused,  some  scandalized,  and  a  few  disgusted.  Our  land 
lady's  eccentricities  took  other  out-o'-the- way  forms,  besides 
those  enumerated.  There  was  a  certain  Frenchman,  who, 
having  only  been  fifteen  years  in  this  country,  of  course, 
did  n't  understand  the  language,  and  to  him.  exclusively, 

Mrs.  once  chose  to  address  her  conversation  for 

three  successive  days,  over  the  dinner-table.  She  called 
him  Moo-soo,  talked  horribly  dislocated  English,  smiled, 
and  winked,  and  was,  in  a  wTord,  so  distressingly  attentive 
that  the  poor  foreigner  presently  hit  upon  the  idea  that 
he  was  being  ridiculed,  confined  himself  to  his  room,  had 
his  meals  brought  up  to  him,  dwTelt  in  an  atmosphere  of 
cigarettes  and  unmade  beds  (he  used  to  shriek  at  the 
servant  if  she  opened  the  window)  till  his  week  was  up, 
and  then  left.  Which  incident  brings  us  to  his  successor, 
who  subsequently  became  a  prominent  character  in  the 
Establishment. 

Occupying  the  adjoining  apartment,  we  were  a  little 
surprised  on  the  morning  after  his  arrival  by  his  manner 
of  dressing  ;  which,  apparently,  consisted  in  putting  on  a 


NEW     YOEK     BOARDING-  HOUSES. 


121 


pair  of  creaking  boots,  walking  about  in  them  for  half  an 
hour,  and  then  going  through  various  gymnastic  perform 
ances  over  chairs,  accompanied  by  lively  imitations  of  the 
cries  of  an  entire  menagerie.  Subsequently,  when  we  be 
came  acquainted  with  him,  he  explained  these  proceedings 
as  being  resorted  to  for  the  healthful  development  of 
lungs  and  limbs,  and  told  us  his  history.  He  was  a  down- 
east  Yankee,  had  traveled  over  three  fourths  of  the  globe, 
and  tried  an  infinite  variety  of  avocations,  including  prac 
tice  of  the  law,  driving  an  omnibus,  peddling  stoves,  edit 
ing  a  newspaper,  selling  patent  medicines,  officiating  as 
clerk  in  a  dry-goods  store,  as  Mormon  preacher,  and 
Daguerreian  artist,  with  much  more  than  we  can  remem 
ber  or  chronicle.  He  had  just  then  returned  from  Cali 
fornia,  with  some  money,  arid  the  resolve  to  get  up  a  big 
panorama  of  the  whole  of  the  United  States,  on  the  scale 
of  one  foot  to  every  mile.  This  intention  he  prepared  to 
"put  through"  by  papering  up  the  lower  window  of  the 
attic  (it  had  a  north  light),  purchasing  an  immense  roll 


122  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

of  canvas,  several  white-wash  brushes,  and  bucket-fulls  of 
paint,  and  a  barrel  of  turpentine.  Also  he  cultivated  the 
acquaintance  of  artists,  one  of  whom  ornamented  the 
whole  side  of  the  room  with  a  ghastly  cartoon  person 
ating  Cholera  as  a  gigantic,  demonized  skeleton,  flying  at 
the  spectator  with  extended- arms,  which  so  appalled  the 
servants  (it  was  during  the  prevalence  of  the  pestilence 
in  1849)  that  complaint  was  carried  to  the  landlady.  She 
had  the  room  white-washed,  but  with  indifferent  effect, 
for  the  plaster  being  laid  on  but  sparingly,  the  figure  still 
loomed  up,  awfully,  beneath  it. 

Our  neighbor,  in  pursuance  of  his  panorama  project, 
found  it  necessary  to  decorate  his  room  with  all  sorts  of 
prints  from  newspapers,  books,  magazines,  etc.,  in  the 
short  space  of  a  week  converting  the  sides  of  the  apart 
ment  into  an  extemporaneous  picture-gallery.  Moreover 
he  took  to  fancying  animals,  and  brought  home  a  couple 
of  monkeys  and  a  bull-terrier.  These,  however,  he  did 
not  succeed  in  domesticating.  After  a  combined  attack 
upon  a  stout  Irish  chambermaid,  in  which  one  of  the 
monkeys  sprang  upon  her  shoulders,  while  the  terrier 
seized  her  by  the  ancle — from  which  he  was  with  difficulty 
detached — our  friend  gave  up  his  pets,  and,  subsequently, 
the  dog  bit  one  of  his  companions'  heads  off. 

These  proceedings,  and  a  habit  of  sliding  down  stairs 
on  the  hand-rail,  brought  our  neighbor  into  antagonism 
with  the  landlady.  He  received  notice  to  quit.  Consid 
ering  himself  an  aggrieved  person,  his  last  week's  sojourn 

was  especially  devoted  to  the  development  of  Mrs. 's 

peculiar  weakness.  He  produced  bottles  of  champagne  at 
dinner,  and  induced  her  and  the  puffy-faced  boarder  to 
partake  of  more  than  was  good  for  them — a  highly  un 
necessary  proceeding.  He  strove  to  draw  them  out  in 
conversation,  addressing  them  in  lengthy  and  flowery 


NEW     YORK      BOARDING-HOUSES. 


123 


speeches  ;  frequently — when  they  were  very  far  gone— of 
a    fearfully    incongruous     and     nonsensical  description. 

As  thus:  he  would   ask  Mrs. ,  in  a  perfectly  grave 

manner,  whether  she  was  aware  that  All  the  World  was 
Sad  and  Dreary  everywhere  he  Roamed,  and  that  O! 
Darkies,  how  His  Heart  grew  Weary,  now  that  Forty- 
Xine  Right-Angled  Triangles  had  combined  with  Phos 
phate  of  Pickled  Salmon  to  derange  the  Equilibrium  of 
the  Tropic  of  Capricorn !  at  which  she  would  smile  and 
look  edified.  The  effect  on  the  other  boarders  may  be 
imagined. 

Kor  that  only.     He  was  suspected  of  much  more.     Of 


124  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

instigating  colored  females  of  disreputable  appearance  to 
call  for  the  puify-faced  boarder  during  his  absence,  and 
instructing  them  to  leave  insultingly  familiar  messages 
about  wanting  him  to  come  round  to  Pete's  on  the  Points 
"  as  there  was  gwine  to  be  a  hop."  Of  getting  a  heavy 
box  containing  several  bricks  and  a  dead  cat  forwarded, 
from  Boston,  to  the  landlady,  per  express,  carriage  un 
paid.  And,  also,  of  oifering,  per  letter,  in  Mrs. 's 

name,  ft>  adopt  advertised  babies,  requesting  their  owners 
to  bring  them  to  her  residence  (at  dinner  time)  for  the 
purpose  of  inspection.  "We  have  seen  three  women  sitting 
together  in  the  front  parlor,  each  with  a  baby  and  an 
epistle  purporting  to  be  from  our  landlady — describing 
herself  as  "  a  childless  widow."  But,  perhaps,  a  still  more 
unjustifiable  trick  celebrated  this  unscrupulous  boarder's 
departure. 

Most  readers  are  aware  that  all  vendors  of  patent 
medicines,  and  such  articles  as  appeal  to  the  infirmities 
of  mankind  are  eager  for  testimonials  of  cure — especially 
when  authorized  to  publish  them.  This  fact  our  expelled 
neighbor  availed  himself  of.  lie  wrote — again  in  Mrs. 
's  name — to  upward  of  a  score  of  well-known  nos 
trum-mongers,  graciously  intimating  that  they  might  make 
what  use  they  pleased  with  the  communications.  Next 
week's  Sunday  papers  contained  accounts  how  our  land 
lady  had  been  afflicted  Avith  every  conceivable  malady  that 
flesh  is  heir  to,  even  from  her  earliest  years  to  the  time  that 

she  obtained  convalescence  from 's  pills,  balsam,  bitters, 

trusses,  etc.,  etc. — as  the  case  might  be.  There  were  even 
testimonials  in  regard  to  an  admirably  serviceable  wooden 
leg,  and  culogiums  of  a  Broadway  perruquier  in  grateful 
acknowledgment  of  his  unguent  having  clothed  "  a  totally 
denuded  scalp"  with  flowing  ringlets.  Our  landlady's  fury 
that  morning  was  fearful  to  look  upon. 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 


125 


She  took  to  drinking  worse  than  before,  and  became 
morbidly  suspicious  of  every  body.  This,  incidentally,  in 
duced  our  departure.  We,  being  at  dinner  one  day,  hap 
pened  to  whisper  to  a  fellow-boarder  something  provocative 

of  a  smile,  when  Mrs. fancied  we  were  blaspheming 

the  victuals,  waylaid  us  in  the  passage,  and  requested  us 
to  find  another  Boarding-House.  We  did  so.  There 
were  very  few  boarders  remaining  at  the  time  of  our  de 
parture,  and  we  believe  the  Establishment  resulted  in  a 
financial  smash  shortly  afterward. 


CHAPTER'  XV. 


OP   THE   BOAKDING-HOUSE   WHOSE   LAJST3LADY   LIKES  TO   BE 
ILL-USED. 


IIIS  is  a  smallish,  four-storied 
edifice  in  a  wide  street,  des 
tined    ere    long    to   form   a 
thoroughfare     only     second 
in    business    importance    to 
Broadway — we  don't  care  to 
particularize  it  more  closely. 
Like  its  neighbors,  it  has  a 
plain  front  of  brown  cement,  and  displays  modest  green 
blinds  at  each  of  its  eight  windows.     A  small  oval  brass 
plate   on   the  door   bears   the  simple   inscription  "  Mrs. 
— ."     She  is  the  landlady. 

A  small  woman  with  lightish  hair  and  not  too  much  of 
it,  its  abnormal  color  being  by  no  means  improved  by  so 
indiscriminate  an  application  of  dye  that  the  central  part 
of  her  scalp  is  palpably  purple.  An  Englishwoman  by 
birth,  a  widow  by  condition.  Mother,  also,  of  a  sturdy, 
.  self-willed  boy,  who  gives  lively  promise  of  developing 
into  that  agreeable  style  of  New  York  youth  prone  to 
loaf  round  corner  groceries  nocturnally,  there  to  indulge 
in  the  delights  of  bad  cigars  and  blasphemy. 

Mrs. has  kept  a  Boarding-House  for  upward  of 

twelve  or  fifteen  years,  yet  makes  comparatively  successful 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  127 

attempts  at  juvenility.  She  is  such  a  little  woman  you 
would,  inevitably,  under-reckon  her  age.  Were  ypu  un- 
gallant  enough  to  ask  it,  she  would  simper  a  good  deal 
and  tell  you  to  guess.  Probably  she  is  midway  between 
thirty  and  forty. 

Her  Establishment  is  not  a  large  one,  and  pretty  well  * 
dieted,  its  faults  lying  chiefly  on  the  side  of  uncleanliness. 
The  little  widow  bestows  so  much  time  on  her  own  per 
sonal  adornment,  that  she  has  n't  any  to  devote  to  the 
nicer  details  of  house-keeping.  But  we  have  already  de 
scribed  a  Dirty  Boarding-House  par  excellence  and  shall 
say  no  more  on  that  head.  The  present  Establishment  de 
mands  our  attention  in  consequence  of  the  peculiar  rela 
tions  which,  ii^  our  time,  existed  between  the  landlady 
and  certain  of  her  boarders — especially  one.  He  was  a 
Pet  Boarder.  We  have  incidentally  alluded  to  this  ob 
noxious  species  before.  It  was  here  that  we  first  learned 
the  extent  of  the  power  sometimes  exercised  by  them. 

He — the  Pet — was  a  heavy-looking  man  of  fifty,  with  a 
countenance  resembling  an  ugly  rhinoceros,  black  hair, 
square  face,  and  sullen  physiognomy.  The  boarders  said 
he'd  been  an  overseer — or,  as  they  termed  it,  slave-driver — 
down  South,  and  there  were  whispers  that  he  got  his 
living  in  New  York  at  the  gaming  table.  This  might,  or 
might  not,  have  been  true,  but  he  certainly  appeared  to 
have  no  ostensible  avocation,  and  came  home  at  all  sorts 
of  unexpected  hours  of  the  day  and  night.  Ordinarily, 
when  in  presence  of  other  boarders,  he  manifested  great 
taciturnity — being  well  aware  that  they  hated  him — but 
would  relax  toward  new  arrivals,  who,  however,  always 
went  over  to  the  opposition  in  a  week  or  two — as  soon  as 
they  found  out  that  he  was  a  Pet  Boarder. 

How  it  came  to  pass  we  never,  thoroughly,  understood. 
Certainly  not  in  consequence  of  his  gallantry,  prepossess- 


128  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

ing  appearance,  or  amiability  of  disposition.  He  was  ill- 
bred,  ill-mannered,  and  ill-tempered.  He  never  vouchsafed 
(at  least  before  others)  any  courtesy — not  to  say  indi 
cation  of  tenderness — toward  the  landlady.  On  the  con 
trary,  he  was  generally  rude,  frequently  sulky,  sometimes 
•  brutal,  and  often  made  her  cry.  And  this,  we  think,  gives 
us  the  key  to  unlock  the  mystery. 

There  is  a  species  of  spaniel-like  women  who  are  never 
so  happy  as  when  ill-used.  "VVe  only  state  the  fact,  with 
out  endeavoring  to  explain  it.  Perhaps  they  see  in  the 
petty  despot  of  every-day  life  what  they  themselves  would 
be,  had  they  courage — what  they  are  to  still  weaker  per 
sons.  Apparently  extracting  a  diseased  happiness  from 
the  consciousness  of  their  own  abasement,  they  seem  will 
ing  to  accept,  with  slavish  gratitude,  some  churlishly- 
granted  favor  as  a  quittance  in  full  for  a  month's  brutality. 
Of  this  order  was  our  little  landlady.  Other  particulars 
evidenced  it  as  well  as  her  peculiar  position  toward  the 
Pet  Boarder. 

To  stand  high  in  her  good  graces  it  was  necessary 
either  to  get  deeply  in  her  debt,  or  to  treat  her,  on  all 
occasions,  with  uniform  discourtesy  and  insult.  Pay  up 
regularly,  you  were  but  an  ordinary,  unpleasantly-inde 
pendent  boarder ;  get  in  debt,  or  lead  your  landlady  a 
dog's  life — so  to  speak — sometimes  throwing  her  a  crumb 
of  compliment,  and  you  became,  in  a  manner,  privileged. 
She  depreciated  you  in  private,  to  be  sure,  and  told  every 
body  that  you  owed  her  money,  but  she  had  a  secret  lik 
ing  for  you,  for  having  afforded  her  that  pleasure. 

Several  eminently  gentlemanly  boarders,  by  adopting 
this  principle  of  action,  obtained  uniformly  more  of  atten 
tion  and  comfort  than  ourself,  and  other  punctually-paying 
blockheads.  Some  had  been  her  debtors  for  a  couple  of 
years  or  more.  She  was  accustomed  to  relate  their  pri- 


NEW    YOKK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  129 

yate  histories,  telling  how,  when  prosperous,  they  had 
deserted  her's  for  more  stylish  Boarding-Houses — "  her's 
was  n't  good  enough  for  'em.  then,  but  they  were  always 
glad  to  come  back  to  where  they  had  credit."  For  a  long 
time  it  was  supposed  that  one  of  these — a  good-looking 
young  fellow — possessed  a  place  in  her  affections,  as  his 
evenings  were  generally  spent  in  her  company  and  the 
front  basement,  but  this  was  before  the  advent  of  the  Pet 
proper.  We  have  also  a  lively  recollection  of  our  land 
lady's  emotion  on  parting  with  another  amiable  defaulter, 
on  the  occasion  of  his  going  West.  He  kissed  her,  and 
promised  to  remit  his  outstanding  account  in  weekly  in 
stallments—which,  however,  abruptly  ceased  after  the  in 
itial  payment.  She,  in  consequence,  took  to  writing  long 
and  diffuse  letters — which  were  passed  round  and  read 
by  the  boarders  before  transmission — to  his  employers, 
wherein  she  requested  them  to  "  champion  the  widow 
and  fatherless,"  and  to  "  stop  it  out  of  his  wages."  Both 
of  these  boarders  were  favorites  in  their  degree,  as  were 
two  others  who  merit  particular  description.  We  believe 
they  paid  up  punctually,  yet  succeeded  in  ill-treating  little 

to  that  extent  necessary  to  attain  her  affection. 

One,  a  small,  bushy-whiskered  Londoner,  partial  to 
billiards,  and  a,  fast  town-life  generally,  even  maintained 
a  sort  of  rivalry  with  the  Pet.  His  low,  quaint  humor, 
and  great  powers  of  irritation,  sometimes  enabled  him  to 
prove  a  perfect  little  fiend  to  the  landlady.  He  abbrevi 
ated  her  name  in  an  insulting  manner,  abused  her  cook- 
cry,  spoke  of  her  defunct  husband— of  whom  a  picture 
hung  in  the  dining-room — as  "  that  fellow,"  "  that  muff," 
etc.,  and  bribed  her  son  to  watch,  defy,  and  slander  his 
mother.  This  course  of  conduct  naturally  endeared  him 

to  Mrs. .     He  was  invited  to  visit  her  in  the  front 

basement,  which  courtesy  he  would  scornfully  reject,  pre- 

6* 


130  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

ferring  unsolicited  descents  ichen  he  knew  the  Pet  icas 
there,  and  bis  own  presence  undesirable.  Him  he  would 
"  chaff"  in  a  cool,  malignant  manner,  for  hours,  attributing 
the  meanest  motives  to  his  desire  for  the  landlady's  favor, 
and  goading  him,  by  accusations  of  parsimony,  into  send 
ing  out  for  oysters  and  beer,  which,  when  they  arrived, 

he  wouldn't  partake  of.  Mrs.  used  to  fret  and 

fidget  on  these  occasions,  and  sometimes  go  out  into  the 
passage  to  cry,  but  the  Londoner  always  sat  his  opponent 
out,  if  he  had  to  remain  till  one  in  the  morning. 

Speaking  of  these  delicate  little  attentions,  we  are  re 
minded  of  certain  traditions  relative  to  a  boarder  preced 
ing  our  advent.  His  mode  of  coercing  (and,  consequently, 

winning  the  regard  of)  Mrs. ,  would  appear  to  have 

been  persistent  reproach  and  crimination  of  her  character. 
He  unceasingly  taunted  her  about  her  "  paramours,"  and 
called  her  "  an  inefficient  man-trap."  Once  he  is  said  to 
have  greatly  distinguished  himself  by  the  unprovoked 
mixing-up,  mashing,  and  general  demolition  of  her  gastro 
nomic  preparations  for  New  Year's  day.  We  are  credibly 
informed  that  she  cooked  a  special  supper,  that  night,  for 
him,  in  consequence. 

But  to  return  to  our  cotemporaries.  The  other  boarder 

spoken  of  as  holding  a  place  in  Mrs. 's  estimation, 

was  also  an  Englishman,  though  not  a  cockney.  (The 
parent  country  happened  to  be  extensively  represented  in 

Mrs. 's  establishment.)  He  was  the  greatest  "  swell" 

we  have  ever  encountered.  He  had  his  hair  curled  and 
scented,  sported  elaborately-embossed  shirt-fronts,  frills 
and  ruffles,  wore  studs,  pins,  brooches,  rings,  and  knick- 
knacks  innumerable,  and  generally  appeared  with  a  rivulet 
of  watch-chain  gushing  from  a  horticulturally-embellished 
vest.  In  pronunciation  he  eschewed  the  letter  R,  instat 
ing  W  in  its  place,  which,  in  conjunction  with  a  hoarse 


NEW     YORK      15  O  A  K  D  I  N  G-  II  O  U  S  E  S . 


131 


voice,  and  a  loud,  gasping  laugh,  had  a  singular  effect. 
lie  used  to  swear  at  the  landlady.  You  'd  find  her  in 

tears   in   the   parlor,  and   be  informed    how  " had 

abused  her."  Be  but  rash  enough  to  sympathize,  she  'd 
threaten  him  with  your  championship,  and  get  you  into  a 
row.  This  occurred  once,  in  connection  with  an  artist- 
friend  of  ours.  He,  by-the-by,  painted  a  portrait  of  the 
landlady  (in  payment  for  outstanding  board)  and  could 
never  make  it  handsome  enough  to  please  her.  The  sit 
tings  were  great  occasions.  Little  Mrs. would  attire 

herself,  like  Yiliken's  Dinah,  "  in  gorgeous  array"  (which 
was  particularly  necessary,  only  her  face  being  required), 
and  thus  sit  in  state,  languishing,  smirking,  smiling,  and 
generally  conducting  herself  as  a  sick  kitten  under  the  in 
fluence  of  laughing  gas  might  be  supposed  to  do — in  the 
front  parlor,  for  whole  summer  mornings,  the  artist  and  a 
looker-on  or  two  alternately  complimenting  her,  and  cut 
ting  jokes  at  her  expense.  She  subsequently  drove  the 


former  from  the  house  by  persistent  requests  that  he 
would  "  touch  up"  the  portrait  a  little,  and  make  it  look 
lovelier. 


132  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OP 

We  suppose  no  little  woman  in  the  world  ever  had  a 
larger  share  of  approbativeness.  She  expected  all  the 
male  boarders  to  admire  her,  and  disliked  them  if  they 
didn't.  She  was  full  of  little  jealousies  and  petulances, 
spitefully  resentful  of  attentions  shown  to  lady-boarders, 
and  addicted  to  slandering  them  in  a  weak  manner.  She 
was  intolerant  of  jocular  conversation  at  table,  and  would 
snappishly  request  her  boarders  "  not  to  talk  nonsense." 
She  had  a  more  than  feminine  curiosity  about  every  thing 
and  every  body.  "We  shall  not  easily  forget  her  indigna 
tion  on  one  of  the  lady-boarder's  leaving  and  getting  mar 
ried  without  previously  informing  her.  She  assumed  a 
weak-tea  sort  of  religion,  which  did  n't  prevent  her  from 
being  inordinately  sly,  on  her  own  account,  and  generally 
uncharitable  in  her  judgment  of  others.  And  this,  too,  in 
spite  of  her  own  equivocal  position  with  regard  to  the  Pet 
Boarder — who  was  a  married  man. 

After  some  month's  residence  on  his  own  part,  he 
brought  his  wife  to  the  house.  She,  a  tall,  pale,  cold-fillet- 
of-veal-looking  woman  (we  snatch  the  simile  from  Dickens, 
for  nothing  else  will  convey  our  exact  meaning),  never 
looked  happy,  and  was  very  much  pitied  by  other  board 
ers.  Our  landlady  used  to  simper  in  an  inane,  compas 
sionate  manner  about  her,  and  call  her  poor  Mrs. . 

She  thought  her  an  invalid,  and  likely  to  die  soon.  Only 
on  one  occasion  do  we  remember  the  Pet  Boarder's  wife 
smiling,  and  how  this  came  about  shall  be  narrated. 

Her  husband,  as  has  been  stated,  was  detested  by  other 
boarders.  Readers  who  have  had  practical  experience  of 
the  quiet,  omnipresent  despotism  established  by  Pet 
Boarders — how  they  influence  every  thing,  from  the  choice 
of  a  dinner  to  the  landlady's  courtesy  (or  want  of  it) — 
how  they  directly,  or  indirectly,  contrive  to  "  serve  out" 
those  who  refuse  to  bow  to  their  authority — will  readily 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  133 

understand  this.  There  were  plenty  of  minor  feuds  in 
this  Boarding-House — as  there  are  in  all  such — but  war  to 
the  knife  (and  fork)  was  the  unanimous  sentiment  against 
the  Pet.  The  smaller  manifestations  of  this  generally 
consisted  in  rapidly  disposing  of  the  contents  of  dishes  to 
which  he  was  known  to  be  partial,  or  passing  them  to  re 
mote  ends  of  the  table  ;  admiring  "  Uncle  Tom's  Cabin  ;" 
turning  the  conversation  on  the  immorality  of  gambling  ; 
doubting  the  accuracy  of  his  watch,  and  pooh-poohing 
his  opinions  on  every  possible  subject.  When,  therefore, 
he  brought  home  a  small  dog,  its  owner's  name  was  at  once 
bestowed  upon  the  animal,  and  a  jocular  fiction  established 
as  to  its  paternity.  But  the  proverb  about  presenting  a 
dog  with  a  bad  name  was  not  carried  out — the  animal 
being  rather  a  favorite  than  otherwise.  And  one  evening, 
at  the  supper-table,  the  artist  (who  sat  precisely  opposite 
the  Pet)  took  this  dog  on  his  lap,  permitting  him  to  dispose 
of  a  half-saucer  full  of  milk  full  in  the  truculent  face  of  his 
enragecl  owner.  It  was  simply  an  absurd  incident,  but 
comprised  as  complete  a  defiance  of  the  Pet's  authority  as 
Tell's  knocking  the  hat  of  Gesler  off  the  pole.  The 
boarders  saw  it  in  that  light.  The  Londoner  laughed 
sharp  and  cynically,  his  friend  of  the  frills  and  the  rings 
burst  out  into  a  great  haw-haw,  an  ordinarily  stolid  printer, 
after  inflaming  his  face  until  it  assumed  the  color  of  a 
newly-cut  slice  of  beet,  exploded  in  a  roar,  his  good-hu- 
inored  little  wife  tittered,  and  even  the  wan  countenance 
of  the  Pet's  better  half  lighted  up  with  the  semblance  of 
a  smile.  Finally,  a  universal  grin  flashed  round  the  table. 
This  produced  a  climax.  The  Pet  leaped  to  his  feet  and 
darted,  scowling,  from  the  room.  And  the  landlady, 
gliding  behind  the  offender's  chair  with  an  aspect  of  con 
centrated  fury,  necked  the  dog  and  bore  him  vengefully 
into  the  passage.  By  the  shrill  yelps  he  uttered  during 


134  NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 

the  brief  transit,  we  should  judge  that  she  pinched  him 
considerably. 

The  Pet  Boarder  kept  his  room  for  full  three  weeks  in 
consequence  of  this.  Our  landlady  took  meals  to  him  in 
advance  of  the  regular  ones,  and  we  sometimes  heard  him 
growling  at  her  for  not  having  selected  precisely  what 
he  wanted.  The  boarders  felt  intense,  though  silent  satis 
faction — but  their  triumph  was  short-lived.  One  by  one 
they  began  to  disappear,  some  quitting  in  accordance  with 
their  OAvn  inclinations  (accelerated  by  Mrs.  's  tem 
per),  others  receiving  intimations  that  their  rooms  were 
"  wanted."  It  became  evident  that  the  Pet  had  re 
solved  upon  weeding  the  house  of  all  who  were  obnox 
ious  to  his  power.  We  were  among  the  earliest  to  quit. 

Since  that  time  we  have  learned  that  the  Pet  has  left. 
Occasionally  we  meet  our  former  landlady  on  Broadway. 
She  has  a  high  color  and  dresses  very  gayly.  We  suspect 
that  she  rouges  with  less  discretion  than  of  old.  But 
whether  other  Pets  have  succeeded  xthe  former*  one — 
whether  her  Establishment  is  conducted  on  the  same  prin 
ciples  now  as  then — or,  indeed,  whether  it  is  in  existence, 
we  are  at  present  ignorant. 


CHAPTER    XVI. 


OF   A   TIP-TOP    BOARDING-HOUSE. 

F  at  any  time  during  the  perusal 
of  the  foregoing  Chapters  we 
have  sunk  in  our  reader's  esti 
mation,  as  manifesting  a  sus 
picious  familiarity  with  the  dirty 
side  of  human  nature,  we  con 
fidently  expect  that  the  present 
one  will  redeem  our  character. 
There  can  be  nothing  vulgar  to 
chronicle  of  the  Establishment 
now  claiming  attention.  We 
especially  plume  ourself  on 
having  lived  in  it.  Whenever 
inclined  to  depreciate,  and  to  think  small-beer  of  ourself,  we 
turn  to  that  page  of  memory's  volume  upon  which  the  de 
tails  are  recorded,  glance  admiringly  over  them,  and  hold 
up  our  head  elate  with  the  consciousness  that  we  had 
Two  Months'  Experience  of  a  Tip-top  Up-town  Boarding- 
House. 

It  is  situate  in  a  due  north-easterly  direction  from  Mad 
ison  Square,  being  one  of  a  row  of  sober-brown  houses 
forming  the  side  of  the  street  which  connects.two  avenues. 
They  are  large,  stylish,  pretentious  mansions  (at  the  time 
of  our  sojourn  yet  damp  from  recent  erection),  with  much 
ornamental*  iron  work  on  either  side  of  their  heavy  flights 


136  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

of  stone  steps,  balconies  running  the  length  of  the  entire 
row,  and  windows,  cornices,  and  lintels,  of  a  highly  ornate 
description.  JEach  individual  tenement  so  strongly  resem 
bles  its  neighbors  that  you  can't  help  fancying  that  similar 
locks  must  have  been  fitted  to  the  doors,  and  on  coming 
home  at  nights,  are  distrustful  of  unintentionally  effecting 
an  entrance  into  the  wrong  domicile. 

The  lady  proprietresses — for  there  are  two,  to  whom  you 
obtain  an  introduction  through  the  medium  of  a  mutual 
acquaintance — only  admit  a  new  boarder  after  the  severest 
scrutiny  as  to  references  and  respectability.  Their  Estab 
lishment  is  eminently  aristocratic,  so  much  so,  indeed, 
that  its  gentility  verges  on  the  awful,  from  very  intensity. 
You  are  supposed  to  imagine  any  amount  of  applicants 
lingering  Peri-like  at  the  portal,  to  be  deeply  conscious 
of  your  own  superior  happiness  in  obtaining  ingress,  and 
to  deport  yourself  with  equal  reverence  and  humility  both 
toward  the  house  and  its  mistresses.  Which  ladies  de 
serve,  here,  further  description. 

They  are  sisters,  the  elder  a  widow  of  five-and-forty, 
the  younger  her  junior  by  a  few  years,  and  unmarried. 
Both  may  be  considered  good-looking,  though  their 
physiognomy  is  of  that  sharp-black-eyed,  aquiline-nosed, 
thin-lipped  order  one  prefers  to  think  of  in  connection 
with  Lady  Macbeth  and  other  unpleasantly-dramatic 
females,  rather  than  to  desire  its  presence  as  a  household 
companion.  Perhaps  Mrs. is  the*  handsomer,  matri 
mony  having  operated  to  mollify  and  tone  down  the 
severity  of  her  aspect  and  temper.  Her  defunct  husband 
— there  is  a  portrait  of  him  hanging  in  the  sitting-room, 
representing  a  square-faced  man  of  bilious  complexion, 
and  generally  over-shaved  appearance — is  understood  to 
have  officiated  as  United  States  Consul  to  the  court  of 
Jonker  Afrikaner,  or  some  equally  important*  potentate, 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  137 

and  his  relict  assumes  immense  dignity  in  consequence. 
(She  tells  you  how  he  endeavored  to  import  a  couple  of 
hippopotami  who  died  on  the  passage.)  She  is  a  tall, 
upright  figure,  and  generally  dresses  in  black  velvet, 
which  doesn't  tend  to  relieve  the  depressing  effect  of  her 
tournwe. 

Her  sister  has,  apparently,  settled  down  to  tne  grim 
mest  and  most  uncompromising  spinsterhood.  She  wears 
her  hair  pulled  violently  back  after  that  peculiar  French- 
Chinese  fashion,  which  seems  to  possess  such  great  attrac 
tions  to  all  Avomen  whose  faces  it  does  n't  suit,  is  partial 
to  exuberant  crinoline,  to  botany,  and  to  her  nephew. 
He  is  a  small,  but  lofty-souled  young  gentleman  of  three- 
and-twenty,  afflicted  with  a  weakness  of  the  eyes  and 
knees,  a  desire  to  become  a  great  public  character,  and  an 
overpowering  sense  of  his  own  importance,  and  that  of 
the  family. 

The  house  is  handsomely  furnished  throughout,  exceed 
ing  in  display  the  Establishment  described  in  Chapter 
Five.  Combining  the  probable  expense  of  this  with  a 
presumably  high  rent,  we  were,  at  first,  somewhat  at  a 

loss  to  conceive  how  Mrs. and  her  sister  (who  were 

spoken  of  as  being  comparatively  unprovided  for  at  the 
demise  of  the  African  Consul),  had  contrived  to  commence 
business  in  so  dashing  a  way ;  but  the  mystery  was  subse 
quently  explained  to  us.  Among  the  boarders,  we  re 
marked,  as  especially  intimate  with  the  lady  proprietresses, 
:i  short,  black-whiskered,  high-complexion ed,  crisp-looking 
man  of  fifty,  who  owned  houses  and  lots  on  more  than 
one  of  the  avenues,  dealt  in  land  and  building  specula 
tions,  and  was  generally  reputed  to  be  very  wealthy.  He, 
so  we  were  privately  informed,  had  advanced  the  necessary 
funds.  Perhaps,  indeed,  the  entire  Establishment  was  a 
"  speculation"  of  his. 


138  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

If  so,  to  all  appearance  it  was  a  successful  one.  The 
majority  of  the  boarders  were  affluent,  or  desirous  of 
seeming  so,  and  willing  to  pay  for  that  privilege.  Mrs. 

•  (who,  in  virtue  of  her  widowhood,  assumed  the  part 

of  landlady jt?ar  excellence)  professed  a  more  than  Mrs.  Gen 
eral-like  contempt  for  money,  making  her  sister  collect 
the  bills*,  and  occasionally  using  her  as  a  pecuniary  Jbr- 
kins  •  yet  it  was  advisable  to  have  a  very  definite  under 
standing  as  to  terms,  or  you  would,  invariably,  find  little 
"  extras"  crowding  into  your  weekly  accounts — to  dispute 

which,  with  a  lady  of  Miss 's  dignity  and  antecedents, 

was  really  a  formidable  undertaking.  You  might,  with 
as  much  consistency,  have  submitted  a  question  of  absent 
shirt-buttons  to  Mrs.  Siddons,  or  suggested  to  Zenobia, 
when  in  reduced  circumstances,  the  propriety  of  taking  in 
washing. 

There  were  upward  of  five-and-thirty  boarders,  over 
half  of  which  number  appertained  to  families  who  pre 
ferred  this  mode  of  residence  on  the  score  of  fashion  or — 
convenience.  The  wives  had  mostly  made  feeble  attempts 
at  house-keeping  subsequent  to  marriage,  and  finding 
themselves  as  much  at  home  in  it  as  a  kangaroo  in  a 
diving-bell,  had  "  given  up"  in  despair,  declaring  that  do 
mestic  duties  were  "a  real  plague,"  and  "those  Irish 
enough  to  worry  any  body's  life  out."  The  husbands — de 
voted  to  business  and  money-getting — could  scarcely  miss 
what  few  of  them  had  experienced — a  home — and  per 
haps  preferred  confining  their  domestic  expenses  to  def 
inite  weekly  or  monthly  payments.  So  the  gentlemen 
were  satisfied,  the  ladies  relieved  of  the  trouble  of  house 
keeping,  and  the  children  sent  to  school  at  an  early  age, 
where  they  took  the  initiatory  steps  toward  becoming  as 
hnppy  and  as  useful  members  of  society  as  their  parents. 
Wo  only  remember  one  in  connection  with  the  Tip-Top 


NEW     YORK     BOAEDING- HOUSES.  139 

Boarding-House — a  pretty  but  horribly-spoiled  little  girl, 
the  daughter  of  a  good-looking  widow,  who  was,  herself, 
somewhat  of  a  character. 

She  possessed  an  estate  on  Staten  Island,  but  preferred 
New  York  during  the  winter  from  mingled  motives — 
economy  and  love  of  flirtation.  She  lived — with  her 
child  and  servant — in  an  attic,  had  a  remarkably  sweet 
voice,  a  $700  diamond  necklace,  and  a  mild  penchant  for 
herrings,  cheese,  and  brandy  and  water — as  we  judged 
from  olfactory  testimony  on  going  up-stairs  nocturnally. 
She  was  of  plump,  buxom  figure,  yet  so  much  disposed  to 
deprecate  her  general  tendency  to  jollity  of  appearance 
that  upon  our  alluding  to  the  double-chinnyness  probably 
awaiting  her,  she  actually  tied  her  head  up  in  a  handker 
chief  for  a  day  or  two  to  repress  it !  She  precipitated 
herself  from  violent  friendships  with  lady-boarders  to  the 
very  opposite  extreme  of  the  social  compass.  Her  viva 
cious  temperament  impelled  her  to  the  utterance  of 
loosely-generous  promises — which  she  was  very  chary  of 
redeeming.  (We  remember  her  rashly  volunteering  a 
$100  wedding-dress  to  a  lady-boarder,  in  order  to  get  off 
from  paying  a  forfeit  phUopcena,  and  being  in  a  state  of 
great  apprehension  subsequently  in  case  it  might  bo 
looked  for.)  She — in  common  with  most  widows — pro 
fessed  an  indifference  toward  further  experience  of  mat 
rimony,  but  cavaliers  of  about  the  age  of  her  eldest  son 
used  to  call  upon  her.  Sometimes  she  had  rows  with  the 
servants  on  their  objecting  to  tell  gratuitous  libs  about 
her  not  being  "  at  home"  to  these  gentlemen.  Indeed, 
she  was  continually  in  hot  water,  having  contracted  an 
unlucky  habit  of  tattling  herself  into  scrapes.  We  were 
present  during  an  altercation  betAveen  her  and  a  longi 
tudinal  Scotchman  (engaged  in  the  wholesale  liquor  busi 
ness)  in  which  she  expressed  a  desire  to  bite  off  his  nose ; 


140  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OP 

and  afterward  offered,  over  the  supper-table,  a  reward  of 
$100  to  any  body  who'd  cow-hide  him.  In  the  language 
of  "  sporting"  men,  there  were  no  takers.  Withal,  Mrs. 

could  be  very  agreeable  when  she  pleased — as  the 

landlady  remarked,  privately.  And  then  she  was  very 
good-looking. 

The  remaining  boarders  comprised  an  equal  number  of 
single  young  ladies  and  gentlemen,  many  of  the  former 
having  quitted  their  parents'  homes  "because  it  was 
dull,"  or  for  some  equally  excellent  reason.  Had  you 
hinted  to  them  the  possibility  of  danger  from  being 
brought  into  contact  with  men  of  unknown,  and  perhaps 
not  irreproachable  characters,  though  of  stylish  exterior, 
they  would  have  laughed,  and  Mrs. grown  indig 
nant.  As  well  fancy  a  Tombs  lawyer  obtaining  admission 
into  heaven  as  such  an  individual  into  her  establishment. 
It  was  an  up-town,  patent-polished,  carved  and  gilt  edition 
of  Eden,  only  people  dressed  in  better  taste,  got  up  balls, 
and  had  a  greater  variety  of  dishes  for  dinner.  Yet  we 
have  heard  some  of  the  gentlemen  boarders  converse 
among  themselves — and  about  the  young  ladies,  too — in  a 
manner  not  compatible  with  the  strictest  propriety.  But, 
to  do  the  ladies  justice,  they  appeared  able  to  take  care 
of  themselves. 

Prominent  among  bachelor-boarders  was  a  bushy- 
whiskered  man  of  forty — young,  therefore,  only  by  cour 
tesy — for,  in  addition  to  his  age,  he  was  prematurely 
laid.  Yet  he  achieved  prodigious  popularity  among  the 
Ladies,  whether  married  or  single,  especially  the  former. 
He  had  an  elaborate  foppishness  of  manner,  an  air  of 
grave,  confiding  gallantry ;  and  would  utter  solemn  plati 
tudes  with  an  accent  of  such  impressive  sincerity  as  to  con 
vince  any  feminine  listener  that  he  was  the  most  tender, 
most  susceptible,  most  excellent,  most  gentlemanly  of 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  141 

mortals.      Privately,  he   was  the   loosest  talker   in   the 
community. 

This  gentleman,  if  we  recollect  aright,  in  company 
with  a  couple  of  lady-boarders,  originated  what  might  be 
termed  a  Mutual- Admiration-and-Matrimony-Promoting 
Society,  to  which  one  especial  evening  in  each  week  was 
devoted.  The  club — for  so  it  was  called — also  met  at 
the  residences  of  outside  members — chiefly  Boarding- 
Houses.  We  were  not  honored  by  a  fellowship,  though 
present  on  several  of  these  interesting  reunions.  The 
company  assembled  at  about  an  hour  and  a  half  after  din 
ner — say  eight  o'clock — and  having  transacted  the  more 
important  business  (such  as  going  over  the  minutes  of 
the  preceding  meeting,  balloting  for  new  members,  etc.) 
within  closed  doors,  admitted  the  uninitiated  to  the  suc 
ceeding  festivities.  These  generally  commenced  by  the 
ladies  and  gentlemen  reading  passages  from  the  poets,  or 
essays  of  their  own  composition,  on  subjects  previously 
dictated  to  them  by  the  chairman — our  bushy-whiskered 
friend  before  spoken  of.  He  had  but  a  feeble  imagina 
tion,  and  would  set  ladies  to  writing  scathing  denuncia 
tions  of  the  use  of  tobacco  (he  could  n't  smoke,  and  was 
consequently  "  down  on"  the  wreed),  and  gentlemen  to 
disquisitions  on  the  relative  tendencies  of  the  works  of 
Tennyson  and  Tupper.  Sometimes  we  had  recitations, 
and  once  a  male  boarder  favored  us  wdth  a  dismal  "  Ode 
to  the  Memory  of  the  Pilgrim  Fathers,"  five  newspaper 
columns  in  length  (he  got  it  inserted,  subsequently,  in  a 
country  journal),  and  was  so  complimented  by  the  chair 
man — who  manifested  anger  at  seeing  members  whisper 
ing  with  the  girls  instead  of  listening — that  he  promised 
to  wrrite  another,  and  might  have  done  so  had  not  some 
judicious  friend  stolen  his  rhyming  dictionary.  Our  chief 
made  but  one  attempt  at  distinguishing  himself,  when  he 


142  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

essayed  to  read  Hiawatha,  broke  down  most  signally 
over  the  hard  Indian  names,  and  sulked  for  the  remainder 
of  the  evening,  all  the  coaxing  of  the  ladies  proving  insuf 
ficient  to  restore  his  good-humor. 

The  Society  was  more  successful  in  the  musical  portion 
of  its  entertainments,  for  many  of  the  ladies  played  bril 
liantly  and  sang  vociferously.  And  a  gentleman  of  poetic 
aspect — which  is  to  say,  having  long,  dark  hair,  and  re 
versed  shirt-collars  (he  was  in  the  express  business  down 
town) — accompanied  himself  upon  the  guitar.  He  had  a 
good  deal  of  fun  in  him  in  spite  of  his  exterior,  and  used 
to  sing  a  Hood-like  Serenade  of  his  own  composition,  in  a 
manner  that  brought  tears  into  the  eyes  of  the  fair  audi 
tors,  who  declared  it  "  beautiful,"  and  demanded  copies 
for  their  albums.* 

*  In  case  lady-readers  may  be  desirous  of  following  their  example, 
the  poem  is  here  subjoined,  by  special  permission  of  the  author.  Music 
publishers  are  herewith  presented  with  a  gratis  copyright. 

TUNE— the  Dead  March  in  La  Gazza  Ladra,  played  rapidly. 

0  Lady,  wake  I  the  tuneful  fox 

Is  twittering  in  the  emerald  sky — 
The  star-fish  'gainst  thy  casement  knocks ; 

And  in  thy  chamber,  fluttering  nigh 
The  taper's  flame,  with  silken  wing, 

The  fragile  penguin  circles  round, 
While,  luridly,  night's  shadows  fling 

A  ruddy  darkness  on  the  ground. 

O'er  the  Campagna's  bursting  waves 

The  giraffe  whistles  wild  and  shrill, 
"While  her  small  beak  the  simoom  laves 

"Within  the  azure  daffodil. 
Sweet  influences  below,  above, 

An  Iris-tinted  clamor  make — 
All  wooing  forth  my  lady-love 

To  walk  abroad.     0  Lady,  wake  I 


NEW     Y  O  11  K      li  O  A  11  D  I  N  G  -  II  O  U  S.E  S  .  143 

But  such  diversions,  though  presumably  the  ones  for 
which  the  Club  was  established,  proved  infinitely  less 
attractive  than  the  dance  and  game  of  romps  or  forfeits 
— instituted  after  a  general  failure  in  an  attempt  at  acting 
charades — which  always  terminated  the  evening's  enter 
tainments.  We  must,  say  we  enjoyed  Blindman's  Buff 
immensely  in  the  Tip-Top  Boarding-House,  not  to  speak 
of  Hunt-the-Slipper  and  Fox-and-Geese — the  title  of  which 
last,  by-the-by,  might  have  suggested,  to  a  cynic,  an  omin 
ous  moivil.  Both  ladies  and  gentlemen,  single  and  married, 
"  went  in"  for  these  sports  with  such  ardor  as  to  provoke  an 
occasional  remonstrance  on  the  part  of  the  spinster  proprie 
tress.  (There  was,  in  truth,  a  mild  conspiracy  to  keep  her  at 
piano-duty.)  A  sense  of  delicacy  so  nice  as  to  constrain 
its  possessor  to  the  substitution  of  the  words  "stepper"  or 
"  walker"  for  a  turkey's  leg,  at  dinner  (it  is  our  belief  that 

Miss  would  have  suffered  martyrdom  rather  than 

have  used  that  vulgar  substantive)  could  scarcely  fail  to 
receive  an  incidental  shock  or  so.  And  the  ladies  and 
gentlemen  did  romp  considerably.  So  much  so  that 
sometimes  a  husband  exhibited  symptoms  of  jealousy — 
which  was,  surely,  very  unreasonable,  as  he  had  an  oppor 
tunity  of  paying  attention  to  other  ladies,  and  could  any 
thing  be  fairer  ? 

At  all  events,  Mrs. could  n't  help  it  if  ladies  would 

flirt.  She  thought  prudery  uncalled-for  in  her  Establish 
ment.  No  ill  thing  was  there  to  be  guarded  against.  As 
for  such  little  incidents  as  a  male  boarder  making  love  to 
a  married  lady  who  had  recently  quitted,  and  was  then 
engaged  in  getting  a  divorce  from  her  husband,  why,  they 
were,  of  course,  perfectly  proper.* 

*  Apropos  of  this,  we  have  met  so  many  divorced  ladies  in  Board- 
ing-ITouses  as  to  be  almost  inclined  to  infer  a  mysterious  connexion  and 
sympathy  between  them.  Let  no  reader  rashly  venture  to  contradict 


144  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

Yet  a  circumstance  did  occur  which  proves  that  scarcely 
any  amount  of  precaution  can  preserve  the  very  cream  of 
society  from  being  ruffled  by  extraneous  flies.  We  do 
not  allude  to  the  atrocious  case  of  the  miscreant  of  gentle 
manly  exterior,  who  boarded  for  five  weeks — and  indeed 
comported  himself  every  way  in  an  unobjectionable  man 
ner,  but  subsequently  proved  to  be  an  actor — to  the  im 
mense  disgust  and  indignation  of  the  lady  proprietresses. 
(Their  son  and  nephew,  by-the-by — the  weak-eyed  young 
gentleman  before  alluded  to — threatened  to  kick  the 
offender  wherever  he  met  him,  but  we  haven't  heard 
of  Jthe  recontre  coming  off  yet.)  The  incident,  as  nar 
rated  to  us  (it  chanced  a  little  before  our  time),  happened 
as  follows : 

There  came,  ostensibly  from  New  Orleans,  a  handsome 
dashing  lady,  with  a  French  title,  who,  taking  up  her  res 
idence  at  our  Establishment — we  presume  she  had  a  letter 

of  introduction,  or  Mrs. wouldn't  have  admitted 

her — speedily  excited  quite  afureur  of  admiration  among 
the  male  boarders.  She  smiled  so  sweetly,  talked  so  affa 
bly,  had  such  a  piquant  foreign  accent,  such  delicious 
naive  ways,  that  all  the  gentlemen  adored  her,  and 
brought  home  bouquets  and  opera  tickets  innumerable. 
The  ladies,  too,  though  naturally  disposed  to  contemn  a 
pretty  woman,  could  not  resist  her  stories  of  the  Empress 
Eugenie,  and  the  Parisian  court.  They  consulted  her 
about  the  fashions,  and  were  emulous  of  her  company  on 
Broadway.  The  bushy-whiskered  boarder  presented  her 
with  a  lap-dog,  and  wanted  her  to  read  Racine  to  the 
Society.  The  weak-eyed  young  gentleman  put  himself 

us  on  the  strength  of  his  individual  experience.  He  may  n't  have 
known  the  true  position  of  his  fair  co-boarders.  Half  the  ladies  who 
are  compelled  (of  course  by  the  villainy  of  their  husbands)  to  effect  a 
divorce,  immediately  sink  antecedents  and  start  as  Misses. 


NEW     YOBK      B  O  ADDING-  II  OUSES.  145 

through  a  severe  course  of  French,  in  order  to  pay  her 
compliments  in  her  native  language.  Even  Mrs. re 
laxed  her  dignity  toward  her  pretty  boarder — and  told 
her  in  confidence  divers  particulars  as  to  the  habits  and 
dispositions  of  the  gentlemen.  Which,  as  subsequently 
appeared,  she  turned  to  advantage. 

Presently,  however,  awful  rumors  came  to  ear,  of  her 
being  seen  with  gentlemen  on  the  avenues,  in  fast-going 
buggies,  and  at  theatres.  It  was  remarked  that  though 
she  had  a  large  circle  of  male  acquaintances,  no  lady  visit 
ors  ever  called  upon  her.  Certain  milliners  and  dress 
makers,  to  whom  she  had  become  known  through  the 
medium  of  the  boarders,  began  to  complain  of  large  out 
standing  debts.  She  occasionally  disappeared  for  a  week 
or  so,  avowedly  on  journeys  to  Washington,  where,  she 

said,  she   had   friends.     Finally  Mrs. met  her,  one 

evening,  in  Broadway,  in  company  with  one  of  the  mar 
ried  gentlemen  boarders,  disguised  in  male  costume. 


A  furious  row  took  place  in  consequence,  in  which  the 

7 


146 


NEW     YORK      BOARDING-HOUSES. 


Frenchwoman  made  use  of  language — as  Mrs.  de 
clared — absolutely  unmentionable.  The  crisp-looking  capi 
talist  had  to  be  called  in  to  effect  her  removal.  Two  days 
afterward  another  gentleman  (not  the  one  who  had  as 
sisted  at  the  promenade  a  la  Amazon,  but  also  a  married 
man),  deserted  his  wife  to  join  her.  They  sailed  for 
Havana  by  that  week's  steamer.  And,  from  some  re 
marks  dropped  on  our  arrival,  we  fancy  that  nearly  all  the 
male  boarders  had  been  privately  and  extensively  victim 
ized  in  the  way  of  loans  to  the  lady. 


CHAPTER    XVII. 


THE  BOARDING-HOUSE   WHERE   YOU'RE  EXPECTED  TO   MAKE 
LOVE   TO   THE   LANDLADY. 

•E  had  known  more  than 
one  Establishment  which 
possessed  this  character 
istic  in  an  imperfectly  de 
veloped  degree,  but  until 
Destiny,  foreseeing  our 
present  task,  guided  us 
to  the  abode  we  are  about 
to  describe,  never  had 
we  beheld  it  in  full  com 
pleteness.  As  it  was  the 
dominant  peculiarity,  we 
so  entitle  the  Chapter. 

The  landlady  in  ques 
tion  was  a  large  widow, 
her  house  a  moderately-sized,  timber-framed  one,  some 
distance  up-town,  in  a  side  street,  leading  off  from  one  of 
the  avenues.  Close  by  were  handsome,  mansions  of  free 
stone  and  granite,  presenting  a  genuine  New  York  con 
trast  to  the  unpretending  tenement,  which,  with  a  couple 
of  neighboring  houses,  stood  modestly  back  some  dozen 
yards  or  so  from  the  line  of  the  newly  built  street,  the 
space  thus  gained  being  laid  out  as  gardens.  Altogether 


148  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

the  spot  was  unique  in  its  way,  and  but  for  the  clatter  of 
the  passing  cars  you  might  have  fancied  it  rather  out-oi- 
town-ish.  The  widow  had  lived  there  some  years  before 
commencing  keeping  a  Boarding-House.  .  We  should 
scarcely  have  fancied  it  a  favorable  locality  for  one,  but 
Boarding-Houses  in  "New  York  are  like  dust  in  summer 
and  mud  in  winter — everywhere. 

The  place  was  recommended  to  us  by  a  recent  inmate, 
notwithstanding  the  circumstance  of  his  having  quitted  it 
in  disgrace,  in  consequence  of  the  perpetration  of  a 
wretched  pun  over  the  breakfast  table.  (He  had  alluded 
to  the  "  Tragic  Meics"  in  connection  with  sausages.)  The 
landlady  was  very  sensitive  and  would  n't  overlook  the 
offense.  He  also  thought  of  getting  married,  which  act  of 
presumption  she  highly  resented,  considering  her  boarders' 
allegiance  as  due  to  herself  alone.  Thus  forewarned, 
we  became  an  inmate  of  the  widow's  domicile.  Just  then 
we  were  desirous  of  a  quiet  abode,  having  considerable 
literary  labor  on  hand.  We  did  the  Parisian  correspond 
ence  for  two  Sunday  papers,  supplied  a  third  with  a 
"  thrilling  local  romance"  (entitled  the  Ghouls  of  Gotham, 
or  the  Magnanimous  Manglewoman  and  the  Blood- 
Stained  Shirt),  wrote  testimonials  for  five  patent  medi 
cines,  rhyming  advertisements  for  a  puffing  tailor,  and 
also  composed  tracts  for  a  religious  Society.* 

We  found  things  pretty  satisfactory.  The  house  was 
neatly  furnished  and  very  cleanly,  the  diet  of  endurable  qual 
ity,  and  not  worse  cooked  than  we  naturally  expected  in  a 

*  Those  entertaining  little  books,  so  well  calculated  to  diffuse  spirit 
ual  instruction  among  the  humbler  classes  of  our  city  population,  and 
known  as  "a  New  Birth  for  Newsboys,"  "Pea-Nuts  and  Perdition," 
"  The  Hydrant  of  Grace,"  etc.,  are  from  our  pen.  "We  mention  the 
fact  in  order  to  damage  their  sale,  as  we  did  n't  get  paid  for  writing 
them. 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  149 

Boarding-House,  the  landlady  good-humored  (especially 
toward  a  new  boarder),  and  there  were  no  children,  the 

youngest  resident  being  a  lad  of  thirteen.  Mrs. had 

a  family  of  five,  three  of  whom  were  yet  inmates  of  their 
mother's  dwelling.  We  shall  speak  of  them  presently, 
our  immediate  attentions  being  due  to  the  lady. 

She  was  a  fat,  jolly-looking,  sun-flower  of  a  woman,  a 
little  over  forty,  and  had  doubtless  been  a  showy  beauty 
in  lier  day,  which  the  fact  of  her  having  contracted  a  very 
early  marriage  also  corroborated.  Of  course,  being  the 
mistress  of  a  Boarding-House,  she  had  seen  better  days. 
Her  husband,  according  to  his  widow's  account,  was  a 
speculative  builder,  whose  various  enterprises  had  ter 
minated  in  bankruptcy,  before  the  word  had  become 
synonymous  with  assigning  a  few  cool  thousands  over  to 
a  relative,  ignoring  one's  debts,  and  making  a  fresh  start 
in  life.  He,  she  said,  had  adored  her,  and  would  relate 
plenty  of  instances  of  his  affection  ;  giving  you  to  under 
stand  that  when  ho  died  her  heart  was  broken  into  so 
many  bits  that  she  did  n't  care  about  trying  to  rivet  them 
together  ;  and  the  "  fount  of  her  tears  sealed  up."  Which 
probably  explained  her  present  lively  and  somewhat  selfish 
zest  for  existence. 

There  are  women  on  whom  it's  unsafe  to  bestow  too 
much  affection ;  who  may  be  petted  like  lap-dogs,  into 
becoming  nuisances  to  themselves  and  the  community. 
Our  landlady  was  of  this  kind,  and  we're  inclined  to  think 
her  husband  had  helped  to  spoil  her.  All  her  character 
istics — ostensibly  genial  and  jolly  enough — radiated  from 
one  center  of  unconscious  egotism.  She  believed  herself 
to  be  a  very  phoenix  of  widows — the  most  unselfish, 
warm-hearted,  and  undeservedly  persecuted  of  mortals. 
(The  latter  in  consequence  of  the  reverse  of  fortune  fol 
lowing  her  husband's  bankruptcy.)  What  she  had  gone 


150  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

through  "  nobody  could  have  any  idea  of."  All  the  world 
had  behaved  shamefully  to  her,  and  if  she  forgave  it,  'twas 
only  in  virtue  of  her  angelic  nature.  As  with  the  past,  so 
with  the  present.  A  long  arrear  of  comfort  beihg  due,  it 
was  her  duty  to  take  it  out  as  energetically  as  possible. 
She  had  a  right  to  expect  things  to  be  "  made  easy"  now, 
and  that  every  body,  especially  her  children,  should  immo 
late  themselves  to  her. 

Her  remaining  characteristics  were  congenial.  She  had 
a  good  appetite,  and  wrent  to  church  twice  every  Sunday, 
on  the  principle  of  securing  sung  quarters  in  the  next 
world  as  well  as  the  present.  She  was  vehement  in  her 
likes  and  dislikes,  generally  expressing  herself  in  a  violent 
and  explosive  manner.  She  got  unnecessarily  enthusiastic 
or  denunciatory  on  the  smallest  provocation,  and  if  you 
did  n't  tune  your  humor  by  hers,  was  offended.  When 
pleased,  she  laughed  inordinately;  when  angry,  became  red 
in  the  face  and  assumed  an  inflated  appearance,  which,  in 
a  lady  of  her  size,  was  undesirable.  Only  by  making  love 
to  her — hot,  strong,  and  frequent — could  you  secure  and 
retain  her  good  graces. 

"VVe  were  rather  amazed,  at  first  (despite  our  friend's 
information),  at  the  extent  to  which  this  rule  appeared  to 

be  practiced.  Mrs. presiding  at  the  head  "of  the 

table  in  a  rich  plum-colored  dress — she  specially  affected 
such  tints  as  made  her  look  larger  and  hotter — sat  blush 
ing  and  blooming  like  a  big  cabbage-rose,  or  over-blown 
peony,  while  half  a  dozen  men  vied  with  each  other  during 
the  intervals  of  mastication,  in  affected  rivalries  and  rhap 
sodies  on  the  subject  of  her  charms.  The  enthusiastic, 
the  jocular,  the  hopeless,  the  matter-of-fact,  the  jealous 
lover  each  found  a  representative ;  each  part  being  cari 
catured  to  the  utmost  capacity  of  the  actor.  We  soon 
found  it  was  a  recognized  institution,  and  as  much  looked- 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  151 

for  on  the  part  of  Mrs. as  one's  weekly  payments. 

She  would  as  willingly  have  pretermitted  the  one  as  the 
other.  Unless  you  had  a  morbid  inclination  for  indifferent 
commons,  short  answers,  and  sulky  glances,  you  straight 
way  followed  suit  and  played  your  best  trump  cards  of 
compliment. 

You  couldn't  blaze  away  too  hot  or  heavily ;  nor  need 
you  be  over  choice  as  to  the  quality  of  your  ammunition. 
Be  sentimental,  comic,  serious,  what  you  would — suit  your 
self — oniy  recollect  you  were  expected  to  be  in  love  with 

Mrs. ,  and  to  talk  accordingly.  (We  went  in  for  Ihe 

gloomy  and  sardonic,  and  were  considered  eminently  suc 
cessful  in  that  line.)  Every  body  had  his  role.  You, 
couldn't  get  along 'at  all,  without  complying.  And,  as 
"in  a  multitude  of  counselors  there  is  safety,"  so,  among 
a  host  of  burlesque  admirers  each  one  may  comfort  him 
self  with  the  thought  that  there's  little  danger  of  his  in 
dividual  victimization.  Had  not  this  impression  been  uni 
versal  we  might  have  been  staggered  at  the  daring  of 
gentlemen  boarders. 

In  truth,  it  was  all  very  innocent,  though  supremely 


ridiculous.     We  don't  think  our  landlady  had  any  inten- 


152  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

tion  of  getting  married,  unnatural  as  the  assertion — in 
connection  with  a  widow — may  sound.  Very  probably 
she  would  have  demurred  against  any  formal  renunciation 
to  that  effect,  preferring  to  retain,  though  in  a  hazy,  in 
definite  shape,  the  pleasurable  self-elation  instinctively 
awakened  in  the  feminine  mind  in  conjunction  with  the 
subject.  But  we  are  convinced  such  speculations  would 
remain  such.  Not  that  she  entertained  a  moment's  doubt 
of  the  possibility  of  their  realization,  for  she  certainly  lay 
down  each  night  with  the  conviction  that  not  a  male 
boarder  but  would  have  been  happy  to  have  succeeded 
the  departed  builder.  We  suppose  her  immense  appreci 
ation  of  general  incense  operated  as  a  check  to  prevent 
her  narrowing  her  (presumed)  sway  to  a  single  wor 
shiper.  It  was  a  species  of  innocent  feminine  Mormon- 
ism.  And  without  asserting  that  she  received  such  indis 
criminate  homage  as  perfectly  genuine,  we  yet  maintain 
that  she  had  no  doubt  of  its  being  based  on  fact. 

As  intimated,  the  number  of  boarders  was  limited,  con 
sisting  of  five  bachelors,  one  married  man,  and  a  solitary 
spinster.  The  men  had  employment  down  town,  where 
they  remained  till  evening,  at  which  time  (our  sojourn  oc 
curred  in  winter)  there  was  a  general  re-union.  A  small 
annuity  afforded  our  only  lady  boarder  the  means  of  sub 
sistence.  She  was  a  little  squeezed-up-looking  old  maid, 
addicted  to  snuff  and  India-rubber  over-shoes  (which  she 
wore  in-doors),  subject  to  colds  in  the  head,  and  generally 
antagonistic  to  the  landlady  and  to  street  organs.  The 
"  goings  on"  of  the  one  and  the  performances  of  the 
other  always  excited  her  lively  indignation.  Hence  the 
boarders  were  prodigal  of  gallantries  and  cents  in  devel 
oping  both  peculiarities.  We  have  known  Italian  min 
strelsy  to  be  in  operation  in  front  of  the  house  from  8  to 
12  P.M.  Upon  which  occasion  Miss ,  after  an  abortive 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING- HOUSES.  153 

attempt  to  salute  the  offending  musician  with  the  contents 
of  her  ewer,  denounced  every  body,  and  went  to  bed  with 
cotton  iii  her  ears.  She  was  also  extremely  fastidious  as  to 
questions  of  propriety.  Our  apartment  adjoined  hers,  and 
we  believe  she  spent  the  night  of  our  arrival  in  cramming 
curl-papers  into  every  conceivable  chink  and  cranny  inter 
vening  ;  besides  telling  the  landlady  with  a  shudder  of 
horror,  on  the  following  morning,  that  she  actually  heard 
"the  feller"  pull  his  boots  off.  We  believe  she  would 
have  quitted  the  Establishment  but  for  some  feeble  de 
signs  on  the  celibacy  of  the  landlady's  elder  born. 

This  was  a  tall,  round-faced,  light-haired,  and  whisker- 
less  young  man  of  three-and  twenty,  who  might,  intellect 
ually,  have  been  described  by  a  homely  metaphor  in  use 
among  housewives,  as  "  rather  slack-baked."  He  did  n't 
approve  of  theaters,  could  n't  endure  tobacco,  liked  Miss 
Warner's  novels  and  Tupper's  poems,  attended  a  Bible- 
class  on  Sunday  afternoons,  and  was  publicly  snubbed  and 
depreciated  by  his  mother — it  being,  indeed,  that  excel 
lent  matron's  custom  to  treat  him  as  though  he  were  a 
natural  fool  upon  all  occasions.  She'd  tell  him,  when  in 
conversation  with  others,  to  hold  his  tongue,  and  not  to 
expose  himself.  She  would  narrate  particulars  of  his  en 
tertaining  hopeless  passions  for  a  series  of  young  ladies, 
and  generally  indulge  in  confidences  calculated  to  make  a 
listener  get  hot  and  uncomfortable — when  in  presence  of 
their  hero.  Her  second-born  was  in  California.  No.  3  came 
home  but  seldom,  being  employed  as  a  governess  in  an 
up-town  family.  Xo.  4  was  a  very  pretty  girl  of  fifteen, 
with  soft,  bright  eyes,  and  curling  hair,  and  of  a  most 
lively  but  variable  temperament.  Her  mother  had  a  trick 
of  discovering  entirely  imaginary  attachments  on  the  part 
of  young  gentlemen  for  this  daughter,  and  warmly  abet 
ting  or  indignantly  repelling  them.  No.  5  (the  youngest 


154  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

of  the  family)  was  a  singular  youth,  who  nourished  wild 
ideas  about  constructing  an  omnibus,  using  cats  or  goats 
as  a  propulsive  power,  and  making  a  large  fortune  on 
Broadway  by  devoting  his  vehicle  to  the  accommoda 
tion  of  fashionable  youth.  With  which  view  he  haunted 
lumber-yards,  soliciting  contributory  bits  of  wood  from 
the  proprietors,  and,  also,  set  traps  of  clothes'  lines  and 
balls  of  twine  in  the  back-yard,  to  secure  the  necessary 
quadrupeds.  When  the  family  met  together,  a  great  deal 
of  kissing  always  took  place.  They  were  very  affectionate. 
You  could  n't  spend  an  evening  in  their  company  without 
witnessing  at  least  two  or  three  oscillatory  performances. 
Mrs. would  set  them  at  it  on  the  smallest  provoca 
tion  or  none  at  all. 

But  our  reminiscences  of  her  Establishment  are  not  en 
tirely  of  a  whimsical  character.  We  have  alluded  to  the 
existence  of  a  married  boarder,  who,  in  spite  of  that  quali 
fication,  was  rather  a  favorite  of  the  landlady's,  and,  in 
deed,  of  the  lodgers  generally.  A  lively  little  Italian,  with 
jet  black  eyes  and  curly  beard,  he  worked  hard  at  his 
trade  of  jeweler  all  day,  and  played  the  fiddle  of  even 
ings.  He  had  a  laugh  and  friendly  word  for  everybody, 
mid  a  perfect  dictionary  of  compliments  in  broken  English 
for  Mrs. ,  to  whom  he  confided  all  his  hopes  and  ex 
pectations.  His  wife  and  family  were  in  Italy.  Six 
months  back  he  had  sent  money  for  their  transmigration 
through  the  medium  of  a  fellow-countryman,  who  had 
proved  dishonest.  In  due  time  he  was  again  enabled  to 
forward  the  necessary  sum,  and,  presently,  to  announce 
with  infinite  glee  and  excitement,  their  embarkation.  Day 
by  day  he  counted  the  time  which  must  elapse  between  it 
and  the  probable  date  of  their  arrival.  When  the  ship 
became  due  he  could  scarcely  contain  himself,  and  his 
interest  communicated  itself  in  a  minor  degree  to  the 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 


155 


boarders,  who  always  looked  in  the  morning's  papers 
for  the  desired  intelligence.  It  never  appeared. 

It  was  savage  winter  weather,  and  men  talked  of  terri 
ble  storms  at  sea.  There  were  vague  guesses  and  conjec 
tures  as  to  the  cause  of  the  detention  of  a  missing  vessel, 
hopes  growing  fainter,  week  after  week,  and,  at  last,  a 
shuddering  conviction  that  far  down  in  the  solemn  depths 
of  the  Atlantic  the  luckless  ship  lay,  and  that  the  poor 
Italian  would  see  his  wife  and  children  Nevermore — . 

His  grief  was  piteous  to  look  upon.  And  one  unquiet 
night,  when  the  wind  blew  with  a  dull,  hollow  clamor 
awesome  to  listen  to,  when  the  casements  rattled  as 
though  shaken  by  wrathful  hands,  when  the  snow-flakes 
fell  fust  and  blindingly  in  the  face  of  the  pedestrian,  and 
newly  coated  the  dirt  piles  in  our  never- cleaned  streets — 
the  poor  Italian  crept  home — to  die.  He  was  found,  on 
the  following  morning,  stark  and  cold  in  bed,  but  with  a 
quiet  smile  on  his  face.  He  had  taken  poison. 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 


OF    ANOTHER    MEAN    BOARDING-HOUSE. 


rpHIS  Establishment— 
JL  which,  in  point  of 
pretensions,  might  rank 
between  those  described 
in  Chapters  the  Fifth 
and  Eleventh — is  now 
happily  extinct ;  we 
therefore,  as  usual, 
speak  of  it  in  the  past 
tense. 

It  was  located  in  a  dozy,  shady  street,  particularly 
affected  by  hand-organs  and  children,  and  not  far  from  St. 
John's  Square.  Exteriorly,  a  plain,  substantial,  red-brick 
edifice — interiorly,  a  decent,  though  meagerly-furnished 
one — gastronomically,  a  mean  one.  And  as  its  meanness 
developed  itself  after  a  peculiar  fashion  and  led  to  singu 
lar  results,  we  devote  this  chapter  to  particulars. 

The  landlady — familiarly  known  as  "the  Ogress,"  or 
"  Meat-ax,"  from  a  presumed  resemblance  of  her  coun 
tenance  to  that  instrument — was  a  thin,  spare,  hollow-eyed 
woman  of  fifty,  with  a  curiously-cracked  voice,  an  over- 
allowance  of  nerves,  a  daughter  of  similar  construction, 
and  an  elderly  husband — originally,  we  believe,  a  bellows- 
maker.  He  had,  however,  long  abandoned  business,  being 


NEW    YOKK     BO  AKDING-HOU  SES.  157 

afflicted  with  rheumatism,  and  now  devoted  himself  to 
chewing  tobacco,  and  the  marketing  of  the  Establish 
ment.  Miss  ,  though  a  virgin  of  six-and-twenty, 

might  have  been  mistaken  for  her  own  mother,  but  for 
one  happy  peculiarity  of  feature.  She  had  a  particularly 
large  nose,  and  although  the  Slawkenbergian  promontory 
was  forcibty  denned  throughout  the  family,  hers  rendered 
the  others  decidedly  insignificant.  She  always  rose  at  an 
unnaturally  early  hour  on  whiter  mornings  (and,  like  most 
persons  guilty  of  that  unpleasant  virtue,  "  took  it  out"  of 
mankind  in  talking  of  it),  thought  she  looked  "cunning" 
in  a  leathern  belt,  and  hated  the  boarders.  We  shall  have 
more  to  say  hereafter  of  her  remaining  characteristics. 

The  inmates  of  the  Establishment  were  mostly  of  the 
male  sex,  and  fluctuated  from  ten  to  twenty,  generally  in 
clining  toward  the  lesser  number,  half  of  whom  were 
our  personal  acquaintances.  But  for  this,  our  stay  would 
have  been  very  brief.  Companionship  makes  almost  any 
thing  endurable.  No  doubt  one's  objections  toward 
being  hanged  would  be  considerably  lightened  were  a 
dozen  friends  to  share  the  same  fate.  At  least,  the  prin 
ciple  proved  correct  with  regard  to  the  comparatively 
minor  miseries  of  the  Mean  Boarding-House. 

If  our  landlady  and  daughter  had  been  brought  up 
in  entire  ignorance  of  the  primitive  arts  of  eating  and 
drinking — never  discovering  that  people  did  such  things 
until  the  respective  ages  of  five-and-forty  and  twenty-one 
— they  could  n't  have  regarded  all  gastronomic  indulg 
ences  with  greater  severity.  Appetite,  in  their  eyes, 
was  not  only  the  Seven  Deadly  Sins  combined,  but  the 
Unpardonable  One  into  the  bargain.  The  very  genius  of 
Famine  might  have  been  the  familiar  Lar  (or  household 
deity)  of  the  Establishment.  We  will  endeavor  to  de 
scribe  its  domestic — not  economy — but  parsimony. 


158  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OP 

You  took  your  place  at  the  dinner-table,  observing  that 
the  bread  was  cut  very  thin,  and  the  butter  contained  in 
one  of  the  smallest  plates  you  had  ever  seen  out  of  a  doll's 
house.  When  the  dish  covers  were  removed — by  the 
daughter  (for  Mrs. kept  no  "  wasteful  slut  of  a  serv 
ant"),  you  found  cause  for  astonishment  at  the  small 
quantity  and  meager  quality  of  the  food  prodded.  Be 
assured  that  you  would  be  helped  in  proportion.  You 
got  a  minute  fragment  of  meat  which  could  easily  be  dis 
posed  of  in  three  mouthfuls.  Influenced  by  modesty,  you 
made  five  of  it.  After  a  hungry  pause,  you  sent  your 
plate  up  again  (waiting,  under  the  wild  expectation  of 
being  asked,  always  proved  ineffective),  and  obtained  a 
still  smaller  moiety  of  meat,  but  a  liberal  allowance  of 
bones.  When,  being  a  new  boarder,  you  despairingly 
fell  back  upon  the  potatoes  (there  were  plenty  of  them), 
drank  large  quantities  of  water,  and  allowed  your  plate  to 
be  removed,  with  the  secret  resolution  of  "  making  up" 
at  the  expense  of  the  pastry — in  which  you  were  again 
baffled — unless  you  liked  pies  made  of  tomatoes  with  the 
skins  on,  and  sweetened  with  watered  molasses. 

Such,  in  general,  was  a  new  boarder's  initiatory  expe 
rience,  which  he  might  be  expected  to  endure  for  from 
one  day  to  six,  according  to  his  temperament.  Hunger, 
however,  invariably  stimulated  him  into  energy.  He  sent 
his  plate  up  repeatedly,  three — -four — FIVE  times.  He 
made  dashes  at  the  bread  with  his  fork,  indecently  impaling 
and  securing  half-a-dozen  pieces.  He  arrogantly  demanded 
that  remote  dishes  of  vegetables  should  be  passed  to  him. 
He  ignored  the  necessities  of  his  neighbors,  yet  felt  a  sav 
age  pleasure  in  handing  the  pickles  that  they  might  still 
further  provoke  already  exasperated  appetites.  He  gnawed 
bones,  and  sopped  up  gravy  with  his  bread.  He  began 
to  look  upon  the  landlady  and  her  daughter  as  his  natural 


N^W     YOEK     BOARDING- HOUSES.  159 

enemies,  and  to  wonder  whether  a  chameleon  did  n't  suffer 
a  good  deal  in  getting  used  to  its  mode  of  life.     He  re 
membered  the  lady-ghoule  in  the  Arabian  Nights,  who  fed  ' 
herself  by  picking  up  grains  of  rice  with  a  pin,  and  shud 
dered  at  the  possibility  of  Mrs.  and  Miss resorting  in 

private  to  the  other  diet  attributed  to  that  person.  He 
speculated  as  to  whether  they  might  not  have  some  relative 
engaged  in  the  undertaking  business.  He  became  suspicious 
of  their  retiring  to  snug  after-dinners  in  the  basement, 
and  vented  such  opinions  to  fellow  boarders.  He  felt 
himself  capable  of  appreciating  that  hungriest  of  books, 
the  Adventures  of  Lazarillo  de  Tormes  (in  case  he  had 
read  it),  and  thought  Cannibalism,  in  cases  of  disasters  at 
sea,  perfectly  justifiable.  Finally  he  grew  very  thin,  and 
went  away,  took  extraneous  meals  at  restaurants,  or  re 
sorted  to  such  surreptitious  proceedings  as  we  shall  have 
occasion  to  relate  of  ourselves. 

It  has  been  stated  that  the  landlady  was  nervous,  and 
that  her  daughter  shared  that  characteristic.  Now  this 
rendered  both  especially  impressible  to  unpleasant  inci 
dents,  such  as  fires,  murders,  and  other  social  calamities, 
and  it  was  easy  to  adapt  the  feeling  to  the  production  of 
desirable  results.  As  thus.  Each  boarder  (sharing  the 
secret)  would,  on  making  his  appearance  at  the  dinner- 
table,  relate  some  harrowing  circumstance  as  having  oc 
curred  under  his  individual  notice,  or  reported  in  the 
newspapers.  (None  were  taken  at  the  Mean  Boarding- 
House,  from  motives  of  economy.)  Now  it  was  told  how 
an  Irishwoman  had  scraped  her  twin  children  to  death 
with  oyster  shells,  or  severed  their  heads  from  their  bodies 
with  a  fragment  of  looking-glass  ;  now,  how  a  member  of 
Congress  had  scalped  a  political  opponent,  on  the  floor  of 
the  House,  after  gouging  out  one  of  his  eyes,  or  biting  off 
one  of  his  ears ;  now,  particulars  would  be  vouchsafed  of 


160  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

an  awful  conflagration,  in  which  the  entire  inhabitants  of 
a  Lunatic  Asylum  had  been  roasted  alive  in  their  cells ; 
now,  how  a  band  of  emigrants  on  the  overland  journey 
to  California  had  been  impelled  by  starvation  to  become 
Anthropophagi,  commencing  by  eating  up  all  the  old  wo 
men.  Upon  which  Mrs.  -  -  and  her  daughter  would 
start  and  shudder,  beg  the  gentlemen  to  desist,  resort  to 
smelling  salts,  and  finally  retire  precipitately  from  the 
room — when  the  triumphant  boarders  (who  didn't  at  all 

mind  Mr. )  were  able  to  help  themselves.  And  though 

our  landlady  must,  in  time,  have  had  suspicions  of  the 
apochryphal  nature  of  these  narratives,  it  was  but  seldom 

that  she  could  resist  their  influence.  Miss did,  some 

times.  Occasionally  the  boarders  varied  the  dodge  by  the 
narration  of  hideous  dreams. 

Nor  was  this  all.  Hunger,  says  the  proverb,  will  break 
through  stone  walls — how  much  more,  then,  the  silent 
watches  of  the  night  ?  A  nocturnal  foray  having  discovered 
the  existence  of  a  huge  padlock  on  the  kitchen-door  (the 

key  of  which  Mrs.  deposited,  every  night,  beneath 

her  pillow),  some  brilliant  spirit — anticipating  the  expe 
dient  of  Mr.  Sparrowgrass — suggested  whether  it  might 
not  be  practicable  to  descend  into  that  culinary  locality 
by  means  of  the  dumb-waiter,  by  which  dishes  were 
hoisted  up  to  the  dining  parlor.  One  trial — as  advertise 
ments  say — proved  the  fact.  The  shelves  being  removed, 
the  lightest  weight  of  the  party  could,  with  comparative 
ease,  deposit  himself  therein,  and  in  that  position  was 
carefully  lowered  below,  from  whence  he  sent  up  the  en 
tire  contents  of  the  larder.  We  shall  never  forget  the 
mute  astonishment  which  greeted  the  appearance  of  a 
turkey — of  whose  plump  carcass  comparatively  little  had 
vanished  !  That  tin-key  was  an  entire  stranger  to  us  ! 

Our  darkest  suspicions  were  confirmed.     It  was  true., 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  161 

then !  The  family  catered  for  themselves  on  a  different 
scale  than  for  their  famished  boarders. 

Could  Mrs. have  descended  from  her  third-floor- 

fi-ont  into  that  backparlor,  at  the  ghostly  hour  of  mid 
night,  she  would  have  beheld  a  spectacle  which  might 
have  irrecoverably  damaged  her  nerves  for  the  remainder 
of  her  existence.  Six  hungry  individuals,  in  shirt,  sleeves, 


and  similar  free  and  easy  deshabille,  with  a  goodly  array 
of  viands  before  them — for  our  discoveries  did  not  end 
with  the  tnij^ey — were  seated  at  the  table,  by  the  light 
of  the  half-turned  gas-jet,  in  subdued  revelry — even  as 
though  spectres,  or  double-gangers,  as  the  Scotch  term 
the  apparitions  of  living  persons,  were  mimicking  our 
mid-day  proceedings.  No  shadowy  repast,  however,  was 
it,  but  the  most  satisfactory  one  we  had  eaten  within 
those  walls.  A  second  descent  with  empty  dishes  and 
the  skeleton  fowl,  concluded  our  proceedings,  and  then, 
with  a  full  stomach  and  tranquil  conscience,  each  individ 
ual  sought  his  pillow. 


162  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

Our  landlady's  countenance  wore  a  troubled  look  on 
the  following  morning.  She  said  not  a  word,  but  ap 
peared  horribly  suspicious.  We  turned  the  conversation 
on  Spiritualism,  and  instances  wer%  related  of  singular 
freaks  on  the  part  of  supernatural  visitors,  such  as  com 
mitting  robberies,  setting  fire  to  houses,  etc.  We  also 

talked  of  mortal  burglars.  Mrs. preserved  a  grim 

silence.  It  was  plain  that  she  distrusted  her  boarders' 
agency  in  over-night's  proceedings.  » 

Her  husband  had  a  conference  with  the  policeman  of  the 
vicinity  and  induced  him  by  a  promise  of  prospective 
dollars  (to  be  paid  on  the  capture  of  imaginary  delin 
quents),  to  watch  the  area  of  the  house  during  the  hours 
of  night  and  early  morning.  But,  as  may  be  imagined,  no 
discovery  ensued  from  that  quarter.  And  the  policeman 
—not  getting  the  reward — subsequently  revenged  himseli 
by  violently  ringing  the  street-door-bell  between  the 
hours  of  3  and  4  on  several  consecutive  mornings,  as  also 
by  throwing  ash-barrels  into  the  area.  "  Stolen  waters 
are  sweet,"  and  we  have  Solomon's  testimony  as  to  the 
attractions  of  "  bread  eaten  in  secret."  Our  midnight 
revels  were  continued,  at  such  intervals  as  prudence  dic 
tated,  until  an  unlucky  contretemps  marred  all.  Our 
light-weight  voyager  chancing  to  be  sick  one  night — we 
believe  alternate  hunger  and  plenty  disagree^  with  him — 
a  heavier  friend  volunteered  to  descend  in  his  place.  It 
was  with  much  difficulty  that  he  contrived  to  squeeze 
himself  into  the  recess,  and,  as  he  descended,  the  rope — 
alas  ! — broke —  !  A  swift,  sharp,  rattling  sound,  followed 
by  a  heavy  concussion — and,  we  shame  to  say  it,  his  com 
panions  fled,  leaving  him  to  his  fate.  He  spent  the  night 
on  the  kitchen  dresser,  among  innumerable  cockroaches, 
and  nearly  frightened  Miss into  a  fit  when  she  un 
locked  the  door  on  the  following  morning.  Nor  did  he 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  163 

wait  the  advent  of  the  landlady  to  decide  on  his  certain 
expulsion,  but  hurrying  his  personal  property  into  a  valise, 
incontinently  decamped,  with  no  other  words  than  sufficed 
to  convey  a  strong  sense  of  indignation  at  the  conduct  of 
his  fellow-boarders.  And — we  blush  to  record  it — the  en 
tire  blame  of  our  midnight  ravages  was  permitted  to  rest 
on  his  memory.  His  behavior  and  appetite  were  voted 
atrocious. 

But  all  of  us  had  to  follow  very  speedily.  After  this 
untoward  discovery  our  landlady  locked  the  doors  of  both 
parlors,  regularly,  at  ten  o'clock,  and  for  a  time  insisted  on 
her  husband  sleeping  on  the  dining-table,  as  an  -additional 
security.  We  could  hear  him  snoring,  even  on  the  second 
floor,  where  we  were  domiciled  in  a  small  apartment  in 
which  the  proverbial  feat  of  "  swinging  a  cat,"  could,  not 
certainly  have  been  accomplished  without  damage  to  the 

head  or  tail  of  the  animal.  Mr. was  a  terrific  snorcr. 

The  boarders  asserted  that  his  wife  had  to  plug  her  ears 
with  cotton  in  order  to  avoid  being  kept  awake  by  his 
incessant  performance  on  the  nasocleide.  But  to  the  cause 
of  our  removal. 

The  increased  strictness  of  discipline,  then,  reduced  us 
to  the  most  painful  privations,  which  came  to  a  crisis  on 
the  landlady's  going  out  of  town,  and  leaving  her  daugh 
ter  to  assume  official  responsibilities.  That  well-nosed 
virgin,  whether  influenced  by  a  deep  sense  of  the  trust 
reposed  in  her,  a  desire  to  merit  it,  or  natural  parsimony, 
exerted  herself  so  as  to  bring  matters  almost  to  the  famine 
pitch.  She  laid  in  a  large  quantity  of  salt  mackerel — 
such  as  one  sees  barreled  and  steeping  in  strong-smelling, 
mustard-colored  liquor  about  the  streets  abutting  on  the 
North  River — and  intensely  pickled  pork,  upon  which 
dainties  we  were  dieted,  without  the  slightest  variety,  for 
a  whole  week.  It  is  true,  however,  that  different  modes 


164  NEW      YORK      BOARDING-HOUSES. 

of  cooking  these  delicacies  were  resorted  to — the  prevail 
ing  one  being  interring  and  then  baking  them  in  batter — 
thus  producing  a  sort  of  pudding.  More  detestable  culi 
nary  compositions  it  might  be  impossible  to  imagine. 
The  seventh  appearance  of  these  at  the  dinner-table 
produced  an  open  rebellion.  In  ominous  silence  each 
boarder  received  his  moiety  'of  the  obnoxious  food,  allow 
ing  it  to  remain,  untasted,  before  him,  until  all  were 
served.  And  then,  at  a  given  signal  (the  ring-leader's 
blowing  his  nose  violently),  each  conspirator  suddenly 
reversed  his  plate  and  its  contents  on  the  table-cloth, 
rose,  wheeled  about,  and  gravely  stalked  from  the  room. 
Miss  —  -  uttered  a  sharp  little  scream,  her  father  an  in 
coherent  exclamation,  the  boarders  uncognizant  of  the 
secret  stared  in  blank  amazement,  as  the  defiant  ones, 
closing  the  door  with  a  bang,  sought  an  adjacent  restau 
rant,  there  to  dine  in  plenty  and  triumph — only  returning 
at  a  late  hour  for  their  baggage. 

*#';*.•*•.*..'#•-•..$ 

We  have  already  mentioned  that  the  Mean  Boarding- 
House  has  ceased  to  exist.     Some  unhappy  man — Heaven 

knows  why — married  the  daughter,  and  Mrs. (now 

a  widow — for  her  husband  has  gone  to  that  bourne,  where, 
it  is  to  be  presumed,  tobacco  and  rheumatism  are  not) — 
resides  with  her  son-in-law.  May  be  possess  the  endur 
ance  necessary  to  sustain  the  combined  afflictions ! 


CHAPTER    XIX. 


THE     FAMILY      HOTEL     ON     BROADWAY. 


WHITE  marble  or 
free-stone  front, 
extending  from 
one  to  two  hun 
dred  feet  on  the 
fashionable  side 
of  our  princi 
pal  thoroughfare, 
and  six  or  seven 
stories  high  —  a 
main  entrance 
over  twenty  feet 
wide,  and  a  hundred  deep,  with  private  ones  in  proportion 
— offices,  saloons,  parlors,  ladies'  and  gentlemen's  recep 
tion-rooms,  dining-rooms,  reading-rooms,  bath-rooms,  bar 
rooms,  ordinaries  and  tea-rooms — apartments  of  all  sizes 
and  degrees  of  luxury ;  rosewood  furniture,  velvet  tapes 
try,  gorgeous  chandeliers,  huge  mirrors,  fresco  paintings, 
high  ceilings,  a  stair-case  twelve  feet  wide,  with  landing- 
places  over  twenty,  on  each  floor — accommodations  for 
four  or  five  hundred  guests,  armies  of  waiters,  a  heating 
apparatus  located  in  a  rear  street,  a  throng  of  idlers  at  the 
door,  arriving  and  departing  vehicles,  people  up-stairs, 
down-stairs,  and  in  my  lady's  chamber — all  this,  and  how 


166  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OP 

much   more,  is   suggested  by  the  words  -"a  Broadway 
Hotel  ?" 

In  a  preliminary  chapter  we  have  intimated  that  this 
class  of  Establishments  scarcely  comes  under  our  province. 
Though  possessing  their  characteristic,  and  indeed  indi 
vidual  features,  they  are  conducted  upon  so  vast  a  scale 
as  to  afford  but  little  scope  for  the  portrayal  of  those  per 
sonal  traits  which  form  so  large  an  aggregate  in  less  com 
prehensive  structures.  Boarders  in  a  hotel  may  know 
much  or  little  of  each  other,  according  to  mutual  in 
clination,  but,  necessarily,  only  the  outside  and  general 
aspects  of  character  will  be  visible.  You  can't  sketch 
very  minutely  in  the  midst  of  a  crowd,  and  might  as  well 
attempt  to  describe  the  doings  and  peculiarities  of  the  in 
habitants  of  an  entire  street  as  ito  take  pen-photographs 
of  the  various  and  ever-changing  guests  of  the  Cosmopol 
itan,  St.  Nicodemus,  or  other  "  traveler's  houses."  The 
man  who  sits  beside  you  at  dinner  is  as  much  a  stranger 
as  he  who  jostles  past  you  in  Broadway.  He  may  be  either 
a  senator  or  swindler,  and  you  are  as  little  surprised,  three 
days  hence,  to  learn  that  he  is  a  millionaire,  as  that  he 's 
going  to  be  hanged. 

In  truth  these  lordly  caravansaries  are  no  bad  types  of 
our  civilization — being  very  splendid,  very  showy,  very 
pretentious,  very  expensive,  very  uncomfortable,  and  con 
taining  all  sorts  of  incongruous  elements.  Whether  both 
be  not  susceptible  of  considerable  improvement,  might  be 
a  question  of  some  delicacy.  We  (of  course)  have  un 
bounded  faith  in  social  democracy,  and  are  not  prepared 
to  deny  that  living  in  a  big  Broadway  Hotel  is  the  neplus 
ultra  of  existence. 

****** 

The  one  we  purpose  ^to  speak  of  claims  a  place  in  our 
volume  over  grander  competitors,  in  consequence  of  its 


NEW    YORK     BOA  K  DING-HOUSES.  167 

possessing  (in  common  with  a  few  others)  something  akin 
to  a  private  character.  Families  affect  it  rather  than 
transitory  boarders,  though  there  are,  occasionally,  plen 
tiful  sprinklings  of  the  latter.  But  the  population  is 
neither  so  migratory  nor  so  large — and  therefore  the 
better  fitted  for  our  portrayal. 

We  shall  not  describe  its  location,  general  appearance, 
or  detail  management.  We  don't  know  its  landlord.  He 
may  have  commenced  life  as  a  waiter,  bar-tender,  hotel- 
clerk,  or  steamboat-steward — from  each  of  which  avoca 
tions  (we  are  told)  landlords  of  big  New  York  Hotels 
have  risen.  He  may  be  a  gentleman  of  education  and 
refinement,  or  as  ignorant  as  a  newly-imported  Irishman 
or  a  poor  Southerner,  for  aught  we  know  to  the  contrary. 
Certainly  his  Establishment  is  an  ably-ruled  one,  and  his 
guests'  senses  as  luxuriously  catered  for  as  in  more  pre 
tentious  rivals.  Upward  of  two  hundred  persons  find 
temporary  or  permanent  accommodations  within  its 
walls. 

The  latter  belong  to  a  class  we  have  already  had  occa 
sion  to  speak  of  as  constituting  the  majority  of  the  in 
mates  of  the  Tip-Top  Boarding-House.  Perhaps  they  're  a 
trifle  wealthier,  but  this  is  by  no  means  certain.  Young 
lawyers  and  lawyer-politicians,  editors,  publishers,  opera 
singers,  and  professional  men  generally ;  a  few  Broadway 
store-keepers,  brokers  from  Wall-street,  and  down  town 
merchants — these,  single  and  married,  with  many  others 
of  less  definable  position  and  vocations,  live  in  our  Fam 
ily  Hotel.  Men  of  independent  incomes,  fast  youths  who 
are  not  only  aware  that  their  "  old  man  was  born  before 
them,"  but  have  also  arrived  at  the  pleasing  conviction 
that  his  industry,  or  acquisitiveness,  has  anticipated  any 
necessity  for  labor  on  their  part  (except  it  be  in  the  way 
of  getting  rid  of  the  parental  dollars) ;  families  from  the 


168  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

country  (during  the  winter  months) ;  wives  who  like 
"  society ;"  widows  who  wish  to  change  that  title,  or  who 
have  grown-up  daughters,  and  egotistic  old  bachelors — all 
who,  influenced  by  fashion,  inclination,  dislike  to  the  re 
sponsibilities,  or  indifference  to  the  pleasures  and  sanctity 
ofhome,  may  be  supposed  to  prefer  the  mode  of  life — are 
here,  New  Yorkers  preponderating.  Some  have  boarded 
from  year  to  year,  being  quite  habitues  of  the  place,  and 
entertaining  no  intention  of  quitting  it.  Others  accept  it 
as  a  period  of  transitory  splendor,  to  be  merged  into  the 
obscurity  of  private  boarding,  or  housekeeping,  when  in 
crease  of  family  or  shortness  of  means  compels. 

Perhaps,  in  the  latter  case,  antecedent  hotel  experiences 
hardly  conduce  to  future  happiness,  or  to  fit  either  wife 
or  husband  for  the  cheerful  performance  of  their  respect 
ive  duties.  Let  us  glance,  though  cursorily,  at  the  inev 
itable  routine  of  life  in  our  fashionable  caravansary. 

Being  emancipated  from  all  those  household  minister- 
ings,  and  little  domestic  cares  which  are  so  truly  degrad 
ing  to  the  feminine  character,  lady-boarders  have  leisure 
to  devote  themselves  to  the  more  intellectual  arts  of  dress, 
and  general  fascination.  In  a  fashionable  hotel  you  must 
dress  fashionably — of  course.  Who  could  think  of  sitting 
down  to  a  dinner  at  which  two  hundred  guests  assemble 
— where,  at  a  given  signal,  an  equal  number  of  carefully- 
drilled  waters  remove  the  dish-covers  with  a  dexterous 
flourish  of  their  white-gloved  hands — where  a  band  of 
music,  in  full  blast,  accompanies  general  mastication — in 
other  than  ball  costume,  or  something  very  near  it.  In 
deed,  even  in  the  forenoon,  what  lady,  with  any  respect 
for  herself,  would  risk  the  chance  of  being  seen  in  a  plain 
morning-frock  ?  Though,  to  be  sure,  we  have  heard  of 
high-born  dames  in  England  and  France  (whom,  as  simple 
republicans,  we  are  naturally  anxious  to  resemble)  do 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  160 

dress  at  such  times  with  exceeding  simplicity.  But  per 
haps  they  can't  afford  to  do  better.  Any  way  the  wives 
and  daughters  of  free-born  Americans  have  a  right  to 
sport  their  silks  and  satins  at  what  hour  of  the  day  they 
please,  whether  in  the  boudoir,  public  sitting-room,  or  on 
Broadway.  WhaT  's  the  use  of  dressing  like  a  rainbow 
gone  mad,  if  people  are  not  to  look  at  you  ? 

At  our  Family  Hotel,  during  the  winter  season,  weekly 
balls  are  a  regular  institution ;  arid  these,  it  is  said,  form  no 
small  attraction  to  boarders,  some  abandoning  private  resi 
dences  in  order  to  secure  admission  to  them.  They  are 
got  up  on  a  scale  of  unexampled  splendor.  Now,  perhaps, 
there  can  be  no  pleasanter  social  spectacle  than  upward 
of  a  thousand  handsomely-dressed  ladies  and  gentlemen 
in  a  brilliantly-lighted  ball-room,  intent  on  mutual  enjoy 
ment  ;  yet,  it  may  be  questioned  whether  such  periodical 
indulgences  are  conducive  to  the  production  of  domestic 
tastes  in  man  or  woman.  A  young  wife  is  not  in  the  best 
of  health  or  temper  on  the  morning  subsequent  to  six 
hours'  active  performance  of  polkas,  cotillions,  quadrilles, 
schottisches,  etc.  Nor  is  her  husband  in  the  best  order 
for  going  down  town,  subsequent  to  those  dozen  bottles 
of  champagne  disposed  of  in  company  with  a  few  jolly 
fellows  in  the  supper-room,  after  the  ladies  had  "got 
through." 

But,  says  the  lady  reader,  you  would  n't  have  people 
always  mewed  up  in  their  own  apartments?  There's 
little  cause  for  apprehension  on  that  score  in  our  Hotel. 
Stroll  into  the  drawing-room  of  an  evening,  you  will  see 
they  know  how  to  amuse  themselves.  If  Mrs.  A  is  co 
quetting  with  B,  who  can  blame  her  ?  She  is  young,  and 
pretty,  and  rather  neglected  by  A,  who  has  contracted  a 
taste  for  billiards  and  dissipation  generally,  and  is  proba 
bly  rather  drunk  hi  some  adjacent  bar-room  at  the  pres- 

8 


170 


THE      PHYSIOLOGY      OF 


ent  moment.     In  fact,  his  lady  has  nothing  to  do  but  flirt 
— and  does  it  accordingly.     And  if  C  (who  is  a  married 


man,  and  ought  to  know  better),  is  talking  eloquently  to 
Miss  D  on  some  subject  which  brings  the  blood  to  her 
cheeks  (rendering  her  rouge  unnecessary  for  the  moment) 
— people  must  be  sociable  when  they  meet  in  the  same 
saloon,  evening  after  evening.  'Tis  their  own  fault  if 
worse  occur.  Yet  perhaps  it's  not  always  advisable  to 
run  such  risks,  as  a  big  hotel  must  inevitably  present. 
Among  two  hundred  persons  some  few  may  be  characters 
one  would  n't  wish  to  see  one 's  wife  waltzing  with.  It  is, 
however,  but  justice  to  say  that  there  are  boarders  as  ex 
clusive  in  their  habits  as  is  possible. 

Both  ladies  and  gentlemen  finding  so  many  attractions 
soliciting  their  attention,  it  is  but  little  wonder  that  the 
claims  of  the  rising  generation  are  overlooked,  or,  at  least, 
injudiciously  provided  for.  Sanitary  people  assert  that 
children's  appetites  demand  little  beyond  bread,  milk, 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  171 

water,  sugar,  light  broths,  and  such  simple  diet;  but 
juvenile  American  stomachs  are  not  to  be  dictated  to 
after  that  fashion.  The  boys  and  girls  at  our  Family 
Hotel  have  an  especial  table  set  for  them,  about  an  hour 
earlier  than  their  seniors'  dinner,  where  they  indulge  in 
hot,  unctuous  soups,  highly-spiced  French  cookery,  stale 
pastry  re-warmed,  dishes  made  indigestible  with  melted 
butter,  cakes,  tarts,  comfits,  pickles,  and  sweetmeats. 
Their  breakfast  comprises  strong  coffee,  hot  rolls,  and 
molasses.  As  for  exercise,  their  mothers  can't  be  troubled 
with  them  while  going  out  shopping,  so  they're  confined 
to  a  room  devoted  to  that  purpose,  or  allowed  the  oppor 
tunity  of  running  about  the  house,  being  chidden  for  en 
tering  saloons,  and  listening  to  the  oaths  and  improving 
conversation  of  the  waiters,  or  hearing  them  make  love 
to  the  chamber-maids.  If  they  don't  thrive  under  this 
treatment,  but  become  excitable,  nervous,  and  sick,  the 
doctor  is  called  in  to  remedy  matters. 

—But  then  the  children  are  always  very  prettily  dressed. 
If  five  hundred  dollars  can  be  used  up  in  the  way  of  lace, 
embroidery,  frills,  rosettes,  and  ruffles  on  the  person  of  a 
"  blessed  baby,"  so  much  the  better. 

****** 

It  scarcely  comes  within  our  province  to  do  more  than 
just  hint  at  certain  other  peculiarities  incidental  to  life  in 
a  New  York  Hotel.  Our  instance  of  the  lady-sharper  in 
the  Tip-Top  Boarding-House  has  often  been  dwarfed  by 
the  ingenuity  and  audacity  of  chevaliers  cPindustrie,  as 
exercised  at  the  expense  of  both  landlords  and  lodgers  in 
these  giant  Establishments,  nor  are  swindlers  of  the  softer 
sex  uncommon.  We  have  heard  of  gentlemen  of  distin 
gue  appearance  being  discovered  with  spoons  in  their 
pockets ;  of  ladies  of  equivocal  character  obtaining  ad 
mission  for  equivocal  purposes ;  even  of  mothers  trusting 


172 


NEW    YORK     BO  AKDING-HOUSES. 


to  their  own  charms,  or  those  of  their  daughters,  to  dis 
charge  pecuniary  obligations.  But  the  last  sounds  like  a 
slander,  and  we  don't  believe  it. 


CHAPTER    XX. 


THE   AKTISTS'    BOARDING-HOUSE. 

RTISTS  do  not,  in  general, 
affect  Boarding-Houses. 
Whether  their  profession 
— which  in  some  cases 
appears  to  have  a  tend 
ency  to  the  development 
of  eccentricities  of  cos 
tume  and  character — 
renders  them  averse  to 
any  routine  existence,  or 
whether  an  untrammeled 
life  better  accords  with 
the  necessities  of  their  position,  we  do  not  venture  to  de 
cide,  simply  stating  the  fact.  Some  prefer  taking  their 
meals  at  restaurants,  bivouacking  at  night  in  their  studios 
or  offices  amid  the  heterogeneous  medley  of  articles  only 
to  be  seen  in  such  places — as  plaster-casts,  boxing-gloves, 
easels,  squares  of  canvas,  skulls,  fencing-foils,  portfolios, 
pipes,  armor,  weapons,  and  sketches.  This,  though  en 
durable  enough  in  summer  (when  a  bachelor  on  the  right 
side  of  thirty  feels  three  fourths  independent  of  the  ne 
cessity  of  a  home,  and  can  stick  upon  his  office-door  the 
inscription  "  Gone  to  Nootka  Sound — Back  some  time  in 
the  Fall,"  without  consulting  any  body),  is  n't  agreeable 
in  winter.  Camping  on  the  floor  witli  a  buffalo-skin  for 
matrass  and  counterpane,  a  pair  of  boots  and  an  old  coat 


174  THE     PHYSIOLaGY      OF 

for  a  pillow,  proves  monotonous,  not  to  say  dreary  when 
the  snow  lies  nine  inches  deep  on  the  window  sill ;  even  if 
you  have  n't  to  journey  to  the  next  grocery-store  in  the 
morning,  for  water  to  wash  with,  as  the  Croton  is  frozen  in 
your  building.  Therefore  artists  who  like  Robinson-Cru 
soe-ing  in  the  summer,  frequently  board  during  winter. 
It  was  under  the  latter  aspect  we  had  an  opportunity  of 
observing  them. 

Bleecker-street  is,  par  excellence,  the  street  of  Boarding- 
Houses.  What  tenement  is  not  a  shop  may  be  safely  as 
sumed  as  devoted  to  the  accommodation  of  the  boarding 
public.  On  summer  evenings  not  a  stoop  but  has  its  knot 
of  male  boarders  "  cooling  off"  after  the  heat  of  the  day; 
not  an  open  parlor-window  but  frames  loveliness  enough 
to  knock  any  "  Book  of  Beauty"  into  a  cocked  hat ;  the 
whole  thoroughfare,  indeed,  presenting  a  continuous  gal 
lery  of  metropolitan  manhood  and  femininity.  Our  ^tists' 
Boarding-House  was  in  Bleecker-street. 

We  remember  its  proprietress  as  the  most  deservedly 
popular  of  landladies.  She  shone  equally  in  her  social  and 
professional  capacities.  Her  temper  and  beef  were  beyond 
all  praise,  her  morality  and  mutton  of  the  best  quality.  In 
spite  of  fourteen  years  of  Boarding-House  life,  she  had 
retained  such  refreshing  simplicity  of  character  as  to  be 
totally  ignorant  of  the  meaning  of  the  words  u  brandy 
toddy"  (upon  their  utterance  by  one  of  the  inmates  of  her 
Establishment) ;  to  merely  associate  the  idea  of  some 
flexible  substance  with  "  bender,"  and  to  consider  a  work 
of  art  alone  suggested  by  "  bust."  She  held  very  strict 
notions  of  propriety,  thinking  that  a  husband  otight  not 
to  appear  with  his  coat  off,  in  his  wife's  presence,  under 
any  circumstances.  She  had  a  natural  turn  for  match 
making,  and  believed  that  at  least  one  marriage  ought  to 
come  off  every  year  within  her  Establishment.  And,  finally, 


NEW     YORK     BOAKDING-HOUSES,  175 

she  used  to  immolate  herself  on  the  altar  of  an  old  lady- 
boarder  who  had  her  meals  served  in  her  own  room,  and 
was  a  mysterious  personage,  generally. 

There  might  have  been  from  fifteen  to  twenty  persons 

resident  at  Mrs. 's,  of  whom  half-a-dozen  were  artists. 

Numerically,  therefore,  they  were  in  the  minority,  socially 
they  assumed  prominence  enough  to  justify  our  selection 
of  the  presen^  Chapter's  title.  We  shall  only  speak  of 
the  professional  boarders. 

None  of  the  artists  dined  at  Mrs. 's,  save  on  Sun 
days;  being  engaged  at  their  several  studios,  offices, 
burins,  etc.,  during  the  day,  to  reunite  at  evening.  This 
generally  took  place  in  the  front  basement,  a  largish  room 
on  a  little  lower  level  than  the  side-walk — -just  the  sort  of 
apartment  ordinarily  occupied  by  Doctors.  Nominally 
this  chamber  belonged  to  the  two  who  slept  in  it,  practically 
to  the  artist  fraternity.  We  shall  take  what  the  poet  of 
Idlewild  denominates  "  Hurrygraphs"  of  some  of  them. 
Our  first  selection  is  the  Comic  Artist. 

If  there  be  a  popular  superstition  to  the  effect  that 
"  funny  men,"  whether  wielders  of  pen  or  pencil,  are  an 
obstreperously  hilarious  generation,  he  was  a  signal  con 
tradiction  to  it.  You  would  n't  have  noticed  any  thing 
especially  comic  about  him.  He  was  an  individual  of  quiet 
exterior  and  observant  eye.  He  had  the  air  of  a  gentle 
manly  fellow,  with  not  too  much  to  do  on  his  hands,  and  a 
steady  conviction  in  his  mind  that  he  ought  to  be  delib-, 
erately  miserable.  We  once  knew  a  Methodist  minister 
who,  simultaneously  with  a  bad  attack  of  tooth-ache,  lost 
his  situation  in  consequence  of  the  generally  terrific  nature 
of  his  discourses,  which  had  driven  several  old  women  (of 
both  sexes)  crazy.  Well,  our  Comic  Artist  resembled 
him — only  he  had  a  moustache,  and  seemed  a  little  more 
despondent,  as  being  less  assured  of  the  safety  of  his  soul. 


176  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

The  amount  of  work  he  "  got  through"  with  might 
have  amazed,  any  body — but  a  Comic  Artist.  There 
seemed  no  end  to  his  labors.  Ixion's  wheel,  or  Sisyphus's 
stone-rolling  were  nothing  to  them.  Contemplating  the 
piles  of  "  big  cuts,"  "  little  cuts,"  "  cuts"  of  all  shapes  and 
sizes,  "  cuts"  for  comic  weeklies,  "  cuts"  for  comic  month 
lies,  book  illustrations,  magazine  illustrations,  designs  for 
posters — drawings  in  short  of  every  conceivable  and  in 
conceivable  character — contemplating  these,  we  say,  to 
the  unceasing  production  of  which  our  artist's  time  was 
devoted,  it  is  probable  that  the  Tartarean  gentlemen  re 
cently  mentioned  had  an  easy  time  of  it  compared  with 
him.  He  must  have  used  up  whole  forests  of  box-wood, 
ship-loads  of  pencils,  barrels  of  flake  white,  and  quarries 
of  pumice-stone  in  the  exercise  of  his  profession  ! 

In  blazing  away  at  the  peccadilloes  and  follies  of  human 
nature,  he  sometimes  manifested  a  sublime  independence 
of  the  canons  of  art.  His  notions  of  proportion  were 
generally  regulated  by  the  size  and  quality  of  the  box-wood 
blocks  he  worked  upon.  The  dislocation  of  a  limb  in 
order  to  bring  it  into  a  certain  part  of  the  picture,  or  to 
avoid  a  knot,  was  a  little  artistic  license  of  which  he  fre 
quently  availed  himself.  He  would  draw  a  disjointed 
young  man  of  the  first  fashion,  eight  feet  high,  conversing 
with  a  fractured  belle  whose  arms  terminated  at  her 
waist ;  in  the  back  ground  a  number  of  dancers  tripping 
it  on  the  light  fantastic  flat-iron — such  being  his  notion  of 
feet ;  while  a  baboon — his  conception  of  an  Irishman — 
handed  round  refreshments.  But  what  were  these  little 
defects  in  comparison  with  his  merits,  his  exquisite  per 
ception  of  the  ludicrous,  his  instinctive  love  of  the  beau 
tiful,  his  pictorial-philoprogenitiveness,  his  extraordinary 
powers  of  burlesque. 

A  greater  contrast  could  hardly  have  ^  been  conceived 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  177 

than  was  afforded  by  another  boarder.  Like  the  hero  of 
Tennyson's  ballad,  he  was  a  "  landscape-painter,"  and  quite 
a  young  lady's  beau  ideal  of  an  artist.  He  had  long,  dark 
hair,  semi-melancholic  eyes,  a  Vandykish  beard.  He  wore 
a  wide-sleeved-and-slashed-black-velvet  coat,  a  broad  som 
brero  hat,  was  over  six  feet  high,  and  generally  resembled 
a  consumptive  younger  brother  of  Charles  the  First  of  Eng 
land  run  to  seed.  (He  did  n't  look  so  poetic  in  his  atelier 
costume,  a  ragged  jacket,  pants  on  which  he  used  to  try 
his  brushes,  and  his  hair  tied  behind  with  a  bit  of  string.) 
We  called  him  the  "  Picturesque  Anachronism." 

He  painted  big  pictures  of  mountain  scenery  with  bril 
liant  molasses  foregrounds,  cylindrical  water,  and  impossi 
ble  Indians.  (He  spent  half  the  year  among  the  Catskills, 
his  rural  attire  comprising  a  few  bowie-knives,  sundry 
hatchets,  an  alpenstock  or  mountain-pole  shod  with  a 
spike,  and  huge  jack-boots.)  His  friends  and  companions 
were  at  the  pains — in  consideration  of  his  appearance — to 
invent  all  sorts  of  startling  and  ingeniously-elaborated 
narratives,  wherein  he  figured  as  a  heroic  miscreant  of 
Southern  birth,  guilty  of  romantic  villainies  enough  to  set 
him  up  as  hero  for  a  hecatomb  of  yellow-covered  novels. 
In  point  of  fact,  he  hailed  from  down  East,  and  had  n't 
been  further  south  than  Philadelphia  in  his  life.  But  to 
this  hour  we '  suspect  him  of  a  latent  admiration  for  the 
character  ascribed  to  him. 

The  others  we  shall  dismiss  more  briefly.  One  was  a 
young  Englishman  of  unpleasantly  rampant  animal  spirits, 
addicted  to  practical  jokes,  to  saying  the  most  insulting 
things  with  the  most  good-humored  air  in  the  world,  and 
to  burlesque  opera  vocalization — in  which  he  and  another 
of  the  party  greatly  excelled.  We  believe  he  had  com 
menced  art-life  on  a  Panorama  Avhich  did  n't  pay — proba 
bly  in  consequence  of  his  being  engaged  on  it.  He  now 

8* 


1V8  THF     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

drew  for  books  and  newspapers.  A  fourth  had  an  intel- 
lectual-Jack-Sheppardish  physiognomy,  and  a  queer,  semi- 
Manichean  system  of  philosophy  which  inculcated  that 
nobody  could  be  happy  without  somebody  else  being 
simultaneously  miserable.  He  painted  in  oil,  and  was 
suspected  of  writing  pretty  songs  and  lively  stories — with 
artists  for  their  heroes — for  a  Sunday  newspaper.  A  fifth 
played  on  the  guitar ;  a  sixth  had  a  red  beard,  and  was  very 
near-sighted — which  is  all  we  can  recollect  about  them. 

These,  then,  constituted  the  Artist  Community.  The 
basement  in  which  they — to  use  a  Scotticism — foregath 
ered,  was  characteristic  of  its  frequenters.  No  amount  of 
attention  on  the  part  of  the  chamber-maids  could  make  it 
look  tidy.  All  freshness  and  elasticity  was  squeezed  out 
of  the  beds  by  four  or  five  gentlemen  sitting  or  reclining 
on  them  at  the  same  time,  amid  tobacco  ash  and  cigar 
stumps.  The  chairs  contained  wash-basins  full  of  indefinite- 
colored  water,  which  looked  as  if  it  had  got  black  in  the 
face  in  trying  to  look  like  champagne.  Plaster  casts 
blockaded  the  windows.  Boxing-gloves  resembling  Scotch 
Haggises  (if  that  be  the  correct  plural),  or  apple-pud 
dings  suffering  from  the  combined  attacks  of  mumps, 
yellow-jaundice,  dropsy,  and  cramp,  littered  the  floor. 
Portfolios,  yawning  like  sick  oysters  disgorging  ill- 
digested  sketches,  lay  around.  An  easel  and  lay-figure 
stood  in  a  corner.  Weapons,  every  one  of  which  had 
been  used  for  some  domestic  purpose,  from  sharpening 
pencils,  toasting  bread,  opening  oysters,  cleaning  pipes,  to 
poking  the  fire,  covered  the  table,  heterogeneously  jum 
bled  together  with  pumice-stone,  crayons,  crumbs,  charred 
wood,  empty  bottles,  box-wood  blocks,  cards  for  whiten 
ing  them,  files  begrimed  with  black-lead,  Indian  ink, 
cigar-cases,  sketches,  cents,  and  illustrated  newspapers. 
Here  our  Artists  sometimes  worked  nocturnally. 


N  E  AV     YORK      B  O  A  R  D  I  N  G  -  II  O  U  S  E  S  . 


179 


Not  always,  though.  They  sometimes  played.  Drop 
ping  in  of  an  evening,  you  might  find  yourself  the  amazed 
center  of  a  half  a  dozen  temporary  lunatics  indulging  in 
the  wildest  of  gymnastics  over  chairs,  beds,  and  tables. 
Or  a  quiet  conversation  would  be  interrupted  by  the  Eng 
lish  artist  (who,  by-the-way,  had  contracted  a  playful 
.habit  of  hurling  clubs  at  the  head  of  any  in-comer)  com 
mencing  a  vocal  imitation  of  the  newest  opera  basso  or 
tenor,  when  the  others  joining  in,  you  were  incontinently 
Lurried  into  a  Mahlstrom  of  melody.  Or  a  boxing  match 
would  be  in  progress.  We  remember  how  a  gentleman 
got  knocked  through  his  recently-completed  picture — a 
ten-feet-by-six  one  designed  for  academic  exhibition. 


During  the  opera  season,  however,  the  basement  was 
often  untenanted  of  evenings,  and  always  on  Saturdays, 
when  the  party  attended  a  literary  and  artistic  club  held 
at  a  German  tavern,  where  they  sang  -songs,  told  stories, 
made  puns,  and  drank  lager-bier.  If  any  of  them  returned 
home  keyless,  between  the  hours  of  1  and  2,  they  beat 
devil's-tattoos  on  the  window-panes  till  admitted.  They 
lay  very  late  in  bed  on  the  following  mornings,  but 
didn't  lose  their  breakfasts — as  the  landlady  was  very 


180 


THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 


good-natured.  Some  manifested  an  indifference  to  the 
meal,  preferring  a  short  pipe  in  bed. 

Mrs. was,  indeed,  the  most  good-humored  of  land 
ladies,  and  her  house  the  pleasantest  of  which  we  have 
experience.  She  overlooked  the  rough  usage  of  her  base 
ment  chairs.  (The  backs  generally  came  out  when  one 
sat  upon  them.)  We  don't  attribute  the  turning  the 
statuette  of  the  Fighting  Gladiator  with  his  face  to  the 
wall  to  her,  but  rather  to  the  unnecessarily  rampant  mod 
esty  of  an  Irish  chamber-maid.  We  never  saw  her  out 
of  temper  but  once — when  certain  of  the  boarders  (not 
artists)  purloined  a  ham-bone  from  the  pantry  at  midnight, 
picked  it,  and  deposited  the  osteological  fragment  on  the 
window-sill  of  the  mysterious  old  lady ;  getting  out  of  a 
window  on  the  roof  of  an  out-house  to  effect  the  injurious 
implication. 

We  don't  know  if  our  artist  friends  are  still  resident  in 
her  Establishment.  The  advent  of  summer  attracts  the 
fraternity  irresistibly  from  baked  side-walks,  pitiless  sun- 
glare,  and  simooms  of  city  dust,  to  the  blue  cones  of  the 
Catskills,  the  breezy  heights  of  the  White  Mountains,  the 
giant  lakes  of  the  North,  and  other  portions  of  American 
Fairy  Land.  We  may  meet  them  again  in  winter. 


CHAPTER    XXI. 


THE  .VEGETARIAN   BOARDING-HOTJSE    (AS    IT   WAS). 

commencing  the 
present  Chapter  we 
would  especially  dis 
claim  any  intention 
of  describing  a  cer 
tain  Establishment  yet 
extant  among  us.  Of 
that  we  know  no  more 
than  that  it  is  said  to 
be  conducted  on  an 
approach  to — though 
not  strictly — Vegeta 
rian  principles;  and 
that  its  proprietor  has 
the  reputation  of  a 
gentleman  and  a  man 
of  science.  Our  Veg 
etarian  Boarding-House  is  an  entirely  different  affair ;  and, 
to  the  best  of  our  knowledge,  ceased  to  exist  upwards  of 
four  years  ago.  Yet  its  peculiarities  are  worthy  of  pres 
ervation. 

The  tenement  was  one  of  those  old-fashioned,  comfort 
able-looking,  red-brick  ones  margining  the  Battery.  We 
became  a  boarder  partly  in  consequence  of  this  location, 


182  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

though  we  acknowledge  curiosity  as  our  principal  induce 
ment.  It  was  sultry  July  weather,  and  we  had  n't  dol 
lars  enough  to  compass  rustication.  We  always  loved  the 
Battery  before  the  city  authorities  made  a  big  dirt-pie  of 
it.  The  sparkling  waters  of  the  bay  rippling  in  golden 
sunlight,  the  pleasant  rustle  of  leaves  overhead,  and  the 
shadow-checquered  grass  under  foot  were  suggestive  of 
other  than  city  life — and  as  for  abstinence  from  flesh  diet, 
one  does  n't  feel  very  carnivorous  in  summer,  and  could 
give  one's  self  a  dispensation  at  a  restaurant,  if  desirable. 
So,  obtaining  an  introduction  to  the  proprietor,  we  became 
an  inmate  of  the  Vegetarian  Boarding-House. 

He  was  a  tall,  spare  man,  with  a  large  nose,  light  watery 
eyes  and  but  little  hair,  though 
lie  wore  a  straggling  hay-col 
ored  beard.  Like  the  wise 
men  of  old  he  hailed  from  the 
East.  His  life  seemed  to  have 
been  spent  similarly  to  those  of 
the  Athenians  in  Scripture  in 
inquiring  for  new  things.  Not 
an  ism  whether  philosophic, 
philanthropic  or  theologic,  but 
had,  in  its  turn,  subjugated 
him.  He  had  shower-bathed  his  soul  with  Unitarianisrn, 
frozen  it  up  tight  in  Transcendentalism,  thawed  it  out 
with  Universalism,  besmoked  it  in  Swedenborgianisrn, 
knocked  it  higher  than  a  kite  with  Millcrism,  let  it  putrily 
in  Mormonism,  flayed  it  with  Shaking-Quakerism,  buried 
it  under  General  Negation,  and  dug  it  up  with  Spiritual 
ism.  He  had  kept  a  Water-cure  Establishment,  visited 
Icaria,  lived  in  a  Phalanstery,  and  officiated  as  "  Elder"  at 
Salt  Lake.  He  had  been  ridden  on  a  rail  and  tarred  and 
feathered,  as  an  Abolitionist-lecturer,  down  South.  He 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  183 

had  anticipated  Xcal  Dow  in  the  advocation  of  the  Maine 
Law.  At  the  time  of  our  sojourn  in  his  Boarding-House 
he  devoted  himself,  almost  exclusively,  to  Vegetarianism 
and  the  Woman's  Rights  movement. 

His  wife — taken  after  the  Mormon  episode — was  a  little 
rigid  woman,  without  eye-brows.  If  the  reader  can  ima 
gine  an  elderly  frog  laboring  under  the  combined  miseries 
of  a  setere  stomach-ache  and  the  conviction  that  he  was 
going  insane  and  had  better  commit  suicide,  that  will  convey 
some  idea  of  the  expression  of  her  countenance.  She  always 
dressed  in  black,  wore  very  scanty  frocks,  black  cotton 
stockings,  and  thick  shoes.  She  had  accompanied  her  hus 
band  in  what  may  be  designated  his  theologic  and  social 
benders,  in  some  cases  preceding  him.  She  was  a  keen 
politician  (Whole  -Ticket-  Died  -in  -the  -Wool  -Anti  -Union- 
Pro-Amalgamation  -Anti -States -Rights -and -No  -Backing- 
Out  Stripe),  and  studied  anatomy  with  the  view  of  prac 
ticing  as  Doctress.  Happily  for  society  in  general,  she 
had  no  children. 

There  were  but  few  boarders,  our  arrival  completing 
the  half  dozen — a  select  circle  of  originals  as  we  ever  en 
countered.  Before  discriminating  them  into  individuals 
we  will  speak  of  the  Establishment  generally. 

Our  landlady  had  as  much  faith  in  cold  water  as  Preiss- 
nitz  or  a  mermaid.  Her  house,  her  person,  her  very  cat 
was  over-washed.  If  it  had  rained  in-doors  all  day  long 
the  house  could  n't  have  been  wetter.  From  garret 
to  basement,  both  chambers  and  stair-case  were  always 
in  a  more  or  less  hydropathic  condition.  You  turned 
out  for  an  unsuspecting  walk  of  half  an  hour's  duration, 
to  find,  on  regaining  your  apartment,  the  chairs  block 
ading  the  passage,  the  disjecta  membra  of  your  bed 
stead  reclining  against  the  wall,  and  a  stout  negress  on 
her  hands  and  knees,  scrubbing  away  with  perseverance 


184  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

and  energy  worthy  of  a  better  cause.  Perhaps  Mrs. 

would  be  superintending — and  quite  ready  to  crush  you 
with  sanatory  authorities  in  case  of  objection.  Our  floor 
was  rendered  so  damp  by  these  proceedings  that  we 
should  n't  have  been  surprised  at  seeing  a  plentiful  crop  of 
mushrooms  or  toad-stools  spring  up  under  the  washing 
stand,  or  to  have  found  an  eel  in  the  pockets  of  the  old 
coat  which  served  us  for  a  dressing-gown. 

Ventilation  and  sunlight  were  also  hobbies  of  our  land 
lady.  Now,  in  July,  few  persons  object  to  the  former,  but 
it's  not  altogether  agreeable  to  sit  at  dinner  in  the  full 
blaze  of  the  sun,  his  rays  concentrating  with  a  more  than 
burning-glass  power  upon  your  physiognomy — albeit  the 
meal  is  of  a  cooling  nature.  We  have  seen  a  gentleman's 
nose  begin  to  blister,  and  the  cuticle  peeling  from  a  lady's 
countenance.  If  you  remonstrated  at  such  Salamanderish 

treatment,  Mr. talked  about  the  Arabs  of  the  great 

Sahara,  proved  that  hats  were  an  effeminacy,  and  attrib 
uted  ophthalmia  to  the  use  of  protectives  from  the  sun's 
rays.  It  was  one  of  his  peculiarities  never  to  look  hot. 
He  might  have  taken  the  arm  of  Shadrach,  Meshach  and 
Abednego,  in  their  little  promenade,  with  perfect  impu 
nity.  Whether  addressing  a  room  full  of  people,  digging 
in  the  back  garden,  or  presiding  at  table  (we  have  seen 
him  under  each  aspect),  he  was  equally  frigid  and  imper 
turbable. 

Our  meals — at  which  we  formed  a  snug  family  party — 
were  served  with  uniform  cleanliness,  and  excellently 
prepared.  Every  thing  was  of  the  herbaceous  or  farina 
ceous  description,  of  course.  We  had  no  meats,  no  fish, 
no  gravy-soups.  Tea  and  coffee  were  also  rejected,  as 
stimulants.  But  every  variety  of  vegetable  appeared  at 
our  table,  as  also  fruit  and  pastry.  (No  butter  entered 
into  the  composition  of  the  latter,  that  being  a  tabooed 


NEW    YORK     BO  AKDING-H  OU  SES. 


185 


article.)  Bananas,  melons,  peaches,  grapes,  oranges,  cher 
ries,  pine-apples ;  all  the  daintier  forms  of  Vegetarian  fare 
were  provided  with  a  liberal  hand.  The  display,  indeed, 
exceeded  our  expectations.  We  saw  Vegetarian  diet 
under  its  most  attractive  (summer)  aspect.  Whether  the 
fraternity  were  confined  to  turnips,  etc.,  during  the  winter 
season,  we  can  not  determine.  In  spring  they  generally 
went  out  to  graze  at  a  country  Establishment,  located 
somewhere  in  Connecticut,  and  owned  by  a  relative  of 
the  landlord's. 


Descending  from  our  neatly-ordered  though  damp 
apartment,  to  a  breakfast  of  the  material  recently  de 
scribed,  was  agreeable  enough.  We  began  to  think  our 
Vegetarian  friends  might  possibly  be  right,  and  that  we, 
hitherto,  had  been  living  in  a  state  akin  to  cannibalism. 
We  thought  of  Adam  and  Eve,  in  Paradise  Lost,  and  of 
the  Angel  taking  dinner  with  them.  We  remembered  to 


186  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

have  read  that  Brahmins  generally  reached  a  good  old 
age  (in  the  event  of  their  not  shortening  their  days  by 
making  fires  on  the  tops  of  their  heads,  inserting  knives 
into  their  abdomens,  undertaking  to  stare  the  sun  out  of 
countenance,  or  similar  devotional  proceedings).  We 
looked  at  the  anti-carnivorous  passages  in  Queen  Mai), 
and  thought  of  the  Golden  Age.  What  if  we  went  in  for 
innocence  and  vegetables  in  good  earnest  ?  But  before 
doing  so  we  resolved  to  observe  their  effects  as  evidenced 
by  our  fellow-boarders. 

They  appeared  generally  healthy,  but  unusually  quies 
cent  individuals.  First,  and  most  prominent  among  them 
was  a  middle-aged  man  of  loose  figure,  large,  colorless 
countenance,  and  little  eyes — something  like  a  dropsical 
turnip,  with  two  raisins  stuck  in  it.  In-doors  he  wore 
a  long,  green-baize  coat,  a  straw  hat  bordered  with  bright 
listing,  and  slippers.  He  also  carried  a  large,  tarnished 
silver  watch,  to  which,  in  lieu  of  chain  or  guard,  was  at 
tached  a  tarry  string.  The  expectation  naturally  excited 
by  his  appearance  was  more  than  justified  by  his  opinions 
and  characteristics,  in  describing  which  we  shall  risk  the 
charge  of  exaggeration,  if  not  of  pure  invention.  Pie 
prided  himself  on  being  a  man  of  system.  Considering 
bed  an  effeminacy,  and  hurtful  to  the  development  of  the 
human  body  (as  affording  facilities  for  laying  on  one  side, 
and  so  contracting  the  chest),  he  preferred  reposing  on  a 
narrow  plank,  placed  upon  two  chairs — being  covered 
only  by  a  sheet.  This  was  his  system  of  sleeping.  In 
diet  he  confined  himself  to  particular  dishes,  always  eating 
the  peel  with  the  fruit  or  vegetables,  whether  oranges, 
peaches,  or  potatoes,  in  the  belief  that  removing  it  de 
prived  them  of  remarkable  stomachic  virtues.  (He  even 
attempted  to  devour  the  rinds  of  water-melons,  cocoa-nuts, 
and  pine-apples,  correcting  the  internal  discomposure 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  187 

thereby  provoked  by  taking  ginger.)  This  constituted 
his  system  of  eating.  In  drinking  he  confined  himself  to 
water,  occasionally  flavoring  it  with  boiled  onions,  a  weak 
infusion  of  sassafras  or  lemon-peel,  in  the  beneficial  qual 
ities  of  which  he  had  strong  faith. 

He  was  the  strictest  Vegetarian  of  the  community,  aiuT 
the  most  intolerant  of  the  flesh-eating  barbarians  of  the 
outer  world.  He  never  used  the  words  meat,  beef,  pork, 
or  mutton;  employing  in  lieu  of  them  such  denunciatory 
terms  as  dead  flesh,  cow's  corpse,  butchered  hog,  and  the 
like.  Wine,  beer,  and  spirits  he  considers  direct  inven 
tions  of  the  Arch  Enemy.  Yet  he  smoked — not  tobacco, 
but  dried  sun-flower  leaves,  thereby  producing  such  of 
fensive  odors  that  he  was  requested  to  confine  himself  to 
his  own  room  during  such  indulgences.  He  had  also — so 
he  informed  us — once  tried  a  mixture  of  opium,  tea-leaves,- 
and  red  pepper,  but  could  n't  stand  it. 

This  bit  of  confidence  was  vouchsafed  in  his  chamber, 
whither  we  were,  one  day,  invited.  The  room  was  as  odd- 
looking  as  its  occupant.  He  had  made  it  an  especial  con 
dition  with  the  landlord  that  he  should  be  permitted  to 
furnish  it  according  to  his  own  inclinations — in  pursuance 
of  which  the  ceiling  had  been  painted  of  a  lively  blue,  the 
floor  of  an  equally  bright  green.  This,  he  said,  was  in 
accordance  with  nature.  He  had  even  caused  the  artist 
to  attempt  certain  extraordinary  delineations  of  birds  and 
butterflies  upon  the  walls  (the  latter  as  large  as  cocked 
hats),  and  at  about  three  feet  above  the  wainscot,  to  de 
pict  a  row  of  gigantic  sunflowers — the  yellow  put  in  with 
out  regard  to  expense.  Sunflowers,  we  imagine,  were  a 
weakness  of  our  fellow  boarder's.  He  often  wore  one  in 
his  button-hole  in  his  morning  walks  on  the  Battery,  and 
once  took  to  eating  their  seeds — carrying  them  about  in 
a  large  papier-mache  snuff-box,  and  pressing  them  upon 


188  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OP 

others.  Of  his  origin  and  past  avocations  we  were  unable 
to  learn  any  thing,  he  himself  maintaining  a  resolute  si 
lence  on  these  heads.  He  had  arrived  one  evening  with 
his  effects — consisting  of  a  large  trunk,  a  bird-cage,  a  va 
lise,  and  a  dog-kennel— in  a  wheelbarrow.  The  two  latter 
articles  were  yet  extant  in  the  back-yard.  Their  owner 
kept  a  rat  in  the  bird-cage,  which  subsequently  died  on 
his  attempting  to  feed  it  exclusively  on  cabbage-stalks. 

Some  of  these  peculiarities  were  communicated  to  us 
by  a  fellow-boarder  who  occupied  an  adjoining  apartment, 
and  was  himself  only  second  in  eccentricity  to  their  orig 
inator.  A  thin,  eager-looking  man,  his  light  reddish- 
colored  hair  curled  crisply  all  over  his  head,  like  fine 
mahogany  shavings.  He  stooped  in  walking,  was  very 
near-sighted,  and  carried  an  eye-glass.  He  had  adopted 
Vegetarianism  not  so  much  on  account  of  principle  as  for 
the  better  and  more  unclouded  development  of  his  intel 
lect — which  he  devoted,  solely  and  entirely,  to  attempts  at 
discovering  how  the  art  of  flying  might  be  rendered  prac 
ticable.  We  are  inclined  to  think  the  celebrated  "  Moon 
Hoax"  of  Richard  Adams  Locke,  with  its  plagiarized  de 
tails  of  winged  Lunarians,  had  first  turned  bis  thought  in 
this  direction.  His  room  was  littered  with  the  debris  of 
abandoned  a3rial  machinery.  Wings  of  whalebone-ribbed- 
india-rubber,  to  be  worked  by  an  abortive  contrivance, 
which  seemed  a  compromise  between  a  coffee-mill  and 
pair  of  bellows ;  an  artificial  eagle's  tail,  of  immense  size, 
with  breast  to  match,  and  apparatus  for  inflating  it  when 
fastened  on  the  wearer ;  queerly-shaped  balloons  like  cir 
cular  sausages,to  sustain  the  imaginary  aeronaut,  while  he 
won  his  way  through  fields  of  air,  by  turning  a  crank 
which  put  in  motion  four  large  pieces  of  framed  canvas 
resembling  the  sails  of  a  mill — these  and  more  ingenious 
inventions  were  here.  He  put  them  on  in  our  presence, 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  189 

explaining  their  proposed  action,  and  descanting  with  en 
thusiasm  on  the  glory  which  must  accrue  to  the  conqueror 
of  the  only  element  as  yet  unsubdued  by  man.  Just  then 
he  had  temporarily  abandoned  the  endeavor  to  achieve 
the  means  of  solitary  flight,  and  in  conjunction  with  an 
other  enthusiast — we  believe  a  Bowery  watch-maker — as 
pired  to  construct  a  machine  calculated  to  accommodate 
some  half-dozen  serial  excursionists.  One  summer's  after 
noon  we  crossed  to  Hoboken,  where  it  lay  inclosed  within 
a  square  of  palisading,  awaiting  the  raising  of  funds  neces 
sary  to  its  completion.  To  the  best  of  our  recollection  it 
resembled  a  sharp-nosed,  sharp-sterned  canvas  boat,  con 
taining  a  little  steam-engine  wherewith  to  work  two  great 
screw-like  fans,  a  balloon  attached  to  it  forming  the  sus 
taining  power.  Our  fellow-boarder  considered  that  the 
means  could  n't  be  too  simple.  If  that  qualification  were 
especially  demanded  we  should  have  thought  Mm  particu 
larly  adapted  to  the  discovery.  He  had  been  a  clerk  in  a 
telegraph  office,  but  relinquished  business  for  his  project, 
and  now  relied  on  relatives  both  for  the  funds  to  carry  it 
oi^nd  to  pay  his  board.  They  sent  him  letters  contain 
ing  money  and  denouncing  a?rial  contrivances. 

We  had  two  lady-boarders,  a  mother   and  daughter, 
the  latter  a  pink  eyed,  scared-looking  girl  of  sixteen,  who 
smelt  like  mice ;  the  former  a  fat,  pale-faced  woman  of 
fifty,  whose   round,  protruding 
eyes,  and  small,  beak-like  nose, 
gave  her  a  strong  resemblance 
to  a  large  white  owl.     She,  with 
the  assistance  of  the  landlady, 
was  engaged  in  perverting  her 
daughter's  intellect  to  the  de- 
gree  necessary  to  produce  clair- 
voyancy.    We  have  no  doubt  they  subsequently  succeed- 


190  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

ed  in  manufacturing  an  orthodox  spiritual  Medium.  Both 
ladies  occasionally  dressed  in  Bloomer  costume,  the  elder 
wearing  spectacles,  pantalettes  of  black  crape,  and  an 
umbrella. 

The  remaining  boarder  had  no  greater  peculiarities 
than  those  of  general  speechlessness,  the  habits  of  staring 
out  of  the  window  for  hours  together,  bolting  his  food 
whole,  and  remaining  locked  up  in  the  bath-room  for 
many  consecutive  hours,  when  he  was  generally  under 
stood  to  be  trying  the  cold-water  cure.  He  always  came 
out  very  leaden  in  aspect,  and  resentful  of  inquiries  as 
to  how  he  felt.  We  believe  he  was  a  Yermonter,  and 
had  been  a  schoolmaster. 

With  these  companions,  then,  we  diurnally  assembled 
at  the  Vegetarian  table.  The  conversation,  in  which  our 
landlord  took  the  lead,  was  generally  of  a  mild  and  ismy 
character.  The  effect  of  the  diet  may  be  thus  described : 

A  strong  disinclination  to  do  any  thing ;  an  unnatural 
meekness  of  disposition;  a  tendency  to  boils/  and  a 
generally-sublimated  and  windy  estimation  of  our  own  im 
portance  and  destiny,  were  the  primary  results.  We^x- 
perienced  a  sort  of  tranquil  dissatisfaction  with  the  world 
in  general,  and  a  desire  to  set  it  to  rights  through  the 
medium  of  writing  letters  to  the  /Spiritual  Telegraph, 
Water- Cure  and  Phrenological  Journals^  which  papers 
formed  part  of  the  weekly  literature  of  our  Boarding- 
House.  We  read  the  matrimonial  advertisements  in  the 
last-named  periodical,  and  began  to  speculate  on  the  pro 
priety  of  taking  for  a  wife  some  young  lady  with  cold 
gray  eyes,  sandy  hair,  a  large  waist,  severely  rational 
principles,  big  feet,  and  strong  faith  in  the  Maine  Law. 

We  shudder  to  think  of  our  condition,  and  gladly  turn 
to  our  rescue.  Mentioning,  in  confidence,  our  intentions 
to  a  friend,  he,  struck  with  alarm  and  horror  at  the  state 


NEW     YOKlK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  191 

of  mind  to  which  we  were  reduced,  at  once  resorted  to 
vigorous  measures  for  effecting  our  deliverance.  Sitting 
listlessly  one  evening  in  the  front  parlor,  engaged  in  the 
study  of  entomology,  as  manifested  in  the  dissection  of 
large  worms  by  the  green-coated  boarder  (he  was  partial 
to  such  operations),  we  were  summoned  forth.  Our  friend 
proposed  a  moonlight  sail  upon  the  Hudson — we  agreed. 
A  boat  was  in  waiting,  into  which  we  stepped,  and  for  a 
couple  of  hours  danced  merrily  over  the  silvery  surface 
of  our  beautiful  bay.  We  became  hungry — he  produced 
ham  sandwiches ;  thirsty — he  proffered  champagne.  Our 

readers  will  spare  us  the  particulars  of  our  fall. 

****** 

We  have  a  general  impression  of  our  legs  doubling  up 
considerably,  and  of  the  trees  behaving  in  a  remarkable 
manner  as  we  crossed  the  alternate  moonlight  and  shadow 
of  the  quiet  Battery  to  our  Boarding-House,  at  about  2 
in  the  morning ;  of  being  assisted  up-stairs  by  our  friend 
and  the  landlord — the  latter  in  scanty  drapery  and  out  of 
temper ;  of  subsequently  going  to  bed  with  our  hat  on. 
On  the  following  morning  we  quitted  the  Vegetarian 
Boarding-House.  Nor  have  we,  since,  encountered  our 
landlord  or  any  of  his  guests.  We  learn,  however,  that 
with  his  lady,  he  has  relapsed  into  Spiritualism,  and  is 
making  a  good  thing  of  it. 


CHAPTER  XXII. 


THE   MEDICAL    STUDENTS'  BOAKDING-HOUSE. 

OW  many  of  our  readers  can 
recollect  the  ideas  generally 
entertained  with  regard  to 
Medical  Students  before  the 
existence  of  Dickens'  Pick 
wick  Papers  f     Were  they 
not    supposed   to   be   pale, 
studious,  intellectual,  inter 
esting  young  men? — often 
figuring   as   heroes  in  An 
nuals,  Forget-Me-Nofs,  and 
the   like    feeble-minded   litera 
ture  ?     Such   is  the  testimony 
of  our  memory  on  the   point. 
But  the  Real — in  the  shape   of  Mr. 
Bob  Sawyer,  and  Mr.   Ben  Allen — 
ousted  the  Ideal  as  effectually  as  did 
Cervantes'knight  the  paladins  of  ficti 
tious  chivalry.     Albert  Smith's  lively 
Punch  papers  only  deepened  the  Pickwickian  impression, 
and  a  sentimental  Medical  Student  is  now  as  rare  a  charac 
ter  in  books  as  in  reality. 

It  might  not  be   difficult  to   decide  why  they  should 
be  the  rackety  generation  they  certainly  are.     "  Croaker 


NEW    YOK&     BOARDING-HOUSES.  ]  93 

rhymes  with  joker,"  says  Goldsmith's  Good-natured  Man, 
and  those  whose  professional  studies  necessarily  bring 
them  into  contact  with  the  more  lugubrious  aspects  of 
life,  may  plead  that  they  are  half  justified,  on  the  Emer 
sonian  principle  of  compensation,  in  going  to  the  opposite 
extreme.  We  have  known  sextons  and  undertakers  of 
decidedly  jolly  temperament;  nor  are  turnkeys  of  a  par 
ticularly  misanthropic  turn  of  mind — except  in  melo 
dramas.  And  perhaps  it  is  time  enough  for  Medical 
Students  to  assume  the  conventional  gravity  incidental  to 
their  vocation  when  they  formally  undertake  its  responsi 
bilities.  At  all  events,  it  must  be  admitted  that  whether 
in  Paris,  London,  or  New  York,  it  would  be  difficult  to 
find  a  faster  class. 

Our  Empire  city  has  three  medical  colleges,  and,  of 
course,  a  large  proportion  of  doctors  in  embryo  forms  part 
of  its  population.  Being  gregarious  in  their  habits,  these 
mostly  contrive  to  board  together,  hence  their  claims  to  a 
chapter  in  our  Physiology.  One  Establishment  in  the 
Fourth  Avenue  is  said  to  accommodate  upwards  of  ninety 
of  them,  and  must  unquestionably  be  the  scene  of  many 
unique  and  diverting  peculiarities,  but,  unfortunately,  we 
have  never  dwelt  within  its  walls.  Our  present  subject, 
though  in  the  same  quarter,  is  much  smaller,  twenty 
boarders  forming  its  average  number  of  occupants,  of 
whom,  during  our  stay,  upwards  of  fifteen  were  Medical 
Students. 

A  common-place,  four-story  house,  its  outward  appear 
ance,  or  internal  management  differed  in  no  particular 
from  other  third-rate  tenements  devoted  to  the  same  pur 
pose.  It  was  a  cheap  establishment.  Medical  Students 
are  not  choice  as  to  locality,  or  diet,  preferring  to  conse 
crate  their  money,  whether  much  or  little,  to  active 
diversion,  rather  than  to  milder  gratifications.  They  are, 

9 


194  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

too,  necessarily,  very  much  of  an  out-o'-doors  population, 
attendance  at  lectures  demanding  the  hours  of  from  9  to 
1,  and  from  2  to  5  ;  while  their  evenings  are  supposed  to 
be -spent  in  the  dissecting-room.  We  italicize  two  words 
in  the  above  sentence,  as  it  does  n't  follow  that  the  de 
mand  is  always  complied  with,  or  the  supposition  a  cor 
rect  one.  We,  in  common  with  the  non-professional 
boarders,  and  landlady,  saw  quite  enough  of  them  in 
doors. 

She  was  a  brisk  little  widow  with  fiery  red  hair,  but 
otherwise  rather  good-looking,  and  very  good-tempered — 
unless  provoked  beyond  endurance.  Her  characteristics 
might  have  been  summed-up  under  the  heads  of  approba- 
tiveness,  love  of  money,  and  veneration,  of  which  qualities 
the  first-named  often  neutralized  one  another,  and  the 
third  was  entirely  monopolized  by  her  uncle,  who  though 
not  an  inmate  of  the  Establishment,  was  a  frequent  visitor. 
We  believe  he  claimed  the  title  of  a  Veteran  of  some 
sort ;  in  virtue  of  which  he  used  to  attend  meetings  at  an 
English  tavern,  there  to  drink  large  quantities  of  beer, 
and  pass  resolutions  that  portions  of  the  United  States 
government  lands  ought  to  belong  to  him  and  his  com 
panions.  Now  far  be  it  from  us  to  mention  the  corps 
irreverently,  but  this  we  will  say,  of  him,  individually, 
that  he  was  an  unpleasant,  snuffy,  selfish  old  man ;  nor 
could  we  ever  learn  any  reason  for  according  to  him 
the  deference  and  respect  claimed  as  his  due — beyond 
that  of  his  having  accidentally  shot  a  donkey  in  mistake 
for  an  enemy  on  a  dark  night,  he  being  sentinel  at  the 
time.  (For  this  patriotic  act  a  grateful  country  had  be 
stowed  a  pension  upon  him.)  But  of  him  hereafter.  We 
"  return  to  our  (black)  sheep" — the  Medical  Students. 

He  who  bore  the  bell,  as  leader  (for  among  half  a  score 
of  men  there  will  always  be  a  dominant  spirit),  was  a 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  ITS 

Londoner,  who  had  dwelt,  perhaps,  ten  years  in  New 
York.  A  middle-sized,  thick-set,  black-whiskered,  vul 
garly  good-looking  young  fellow,  his  expatriation  was 
rendered  necessary  by  a  little  resurrectionist  operation 
performed  in  the  burying-ground  attached  to  his  father's 
Dissenting-chapel — in  consequence  of  which  he  was  looked 
upon  as  a  sort  of  professional  martyr.  "We  have  no  inten 
tion  of  separately  describing  the  entire  fifteen,  but  this 
gentleman  played  so  prominent  a  part  in  the  Establishment 
that  the  above  detail  becomes  necessary.  In  conjunction 
with  three  others,  he  occupied  the  front  basement ;  which, 
as  in  the  Artistic  Boarding-House,  served  as  a  general 
rendezvous  for  the  fraternity,  who  found  coming  in  at  the 
area  door,  or  windows,  an  easy  and  congenial  mode  of 
entrance. 

It  was  a  very  curiously-furnished  room.  Over  the 
mantel-piece  (which,  being  of  wood,  had  been  drilled  into 
innumerable  holes  by  the  agency  of  red-hot  pokers),  was 
displayed  an  injected  human  heart  in  a  glass  case,  and  a 
collection  of  every  variety  of  pipes,  from  nargilehs,  chi 
bouks,  calumets,  and  meerschaums,  to  well  blackened  and 
odorous  dhudheens.  A  rickety  book-case,  containing  per 
haps  twenty  dog's-eared,  torn,  and  occasionally  lidless 
medical  books,  and  surmounted  by  a  skull  and  cross 
bones,  occupied  the  space  between  two  windows.  On  the 
opposite  wall,  over  one  of  the  beds  (the  inmates  slept 
double),  appeared  single-sticks,  foils,  masks,  boxing-gloves, 
;md  what  might  be  termed  street-trophies,  as  a  fragmentary 
barber's  pole,  a  gilt  pestle  and  mortar,  a  bell-handle  with 
a  yard  or  so  of  wire,  and  a  big  board  formerly  in  use  as  a 
play-bill  poster — appertaining  to  which  we  have  a  story  to 
tell,  presently.  A  few  anatomical  plates  and  pictures  of 
ballet-dancers,  a  three-stringed  guitar,  a  banjo,  and  tam 
bourine,  an  indefinite  number  of  rough  coats,  and  hats  of 


196 


THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 


various  degrees  of  seediness — for  Medical  Students  are  not 
particular  as  to  dress — and  an  atmosphere  redolent  of 
stale  tobacco  and  spirits,  may  complete  these  interior  de 
tails.  Our  first  glimpse  of  them  was  upon  an  occasion 
characteristic  enough  to  deserve  narration.  One  of  the 
Students — a  "  new  man,"  from  the  Far  West — had  com 
plained  of  a  rush  of  blood  to  the  head,  possibly  produced 
by  over-indulgence  in  whisky  punch,  at  a  little  jollifica 
tion  in  honor  of  his  novitiate  ;  and  was  undergoing  phle 
botomy.  The  patient  sat,  pipe  in  mouth,  in  a  chair,  with 
his  extended  arm  grasping  a  huge  shiUalagh  (in  order  to 
develop  the  veins),  while  the  practitioner,  with  his  coat 
off,  and  a  wet  towel  bound  round  his  head  (for  the  purpose 


of  sobering  him),  operated  with  a  broken-bladed  pen 
knife.  Everybody  was  smoking  and — with  the  exception 
of  the  sick  man — drinking.  They  bled  him  until  he 
fainted,  and  subsequently  rolled  him  into  a  corner,  hu 
manely  pillowing  his  head  with  a  couple  of  boxing- 
gloves. 


NEW    YORK     BOA  E  DING-HOUSES. 


197 


A  vivacious,  noisy,  and,  for  the  most  part,  dissipated  set, 
our  fellow-boarders'  notions  of  pleasure  seemed  mainly  to 
center  in  boisterous  animal  indulgences.  Only  when 
money  and  credit  were  at  a  low  ebb  were  they,  not  com 
paratively  quiet,  but  less  tumultuous.  At  other  times  the 
"  carryings  on"  in  the  basement,  and  indeed  all  over  the 
house,  were,  as  the  landlady  said,  "  orful."  They  held  har 
monic  meetings,  and  prolonged  them  far  into  the  small 
hours  of  the  morning.  They  got  up  boxing-matches  in 


the  garrets.  They  danced  infernal  dances  accompanied  • 
with  shrieks  and  bowlings.  They  chased  each  other  up 
or  down  stairs  by  threes  and  fours,  sometimes  jumping 
whole  flights,  and  descending  with  a  crash  at  the  bottom. 
They  wrote  autographs  all  over  the  windows  and  looking- 
glasses  with  the  diamond  ring  of  the  party.  They  re 
moved  hinges  off  chamber-doors,  that  they  might  "  come 
down  with  a  run"  on  the  heads  of  the  occupants.  They 
brought  home  fragments  of  the  human  form  in  their 
pockets,  for  or  from  dissection.  We  have  a  distinct  rec 
ollection  of  a  young  gentleman  volunteering  to  show  us 
an  eye,  over  the  supper-table.  (He  had  it  in  his  breast- 


108 


THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OP 


pocket,  wrapped  up  in  a 
cabbage-leaf  and  a  frag 
ment  of  the  Herald?)  The 
same  ingenuous  youth  al 
ways  used  a  little-finger 
bone  as  a  tobacco-stopper ; 
I  and  on  one  occasion,  created 
some  excitement  in  an  om 
nibus  by  accidentally  allow 
ing  the  great  toe  of  a  leg 
once  appertaining  to  an  old 
lady,  to  protrude  through  its 
brown  paper  envelope. 
Such  professional  luxuries,  by-the-by,  costing  money, 
Medical  Students  (who  arc  remarkable  for  getting  rid  of 
it  very  rapidly)  sometimes  resort  to  singular  expedients 
for  "  subjects."  We  strongly  suspect  that  our  friends' 
•  scientific  ardor  impelled  them  to  kidnap  stray  cats  and 
dogs  for  surgical  experiments ;  as  also  to  bribe  the  youth 
of  the  vicinity  to  supply  them  with  these  victims  at  the 
rate  of  ten  cents  a  head.  One  evening  we  counted  no 
less  than  three  ragged  juveniles,  who,  severally,  entered 
the  basement,  two  bearing  a  bag  or  sack  (which  appeared 
agitated  by  lively  convulsions) ;  while  the  third  (a  tow- 
headed  varlet  of  tender  years)  held  a  newly-weaned 
puppy  by  the  back  of  the  neck.  We  suppose  this  to 
have  been  the  identical  animal  which,  skinned,  and 
painted  of  a  brilliant  red,  was,  two^  days  subsequent,  dis 
covered  in  the  ewer  of  an  old  lady  boarder,  when  it 
nearly  frightened  her  into  fits,  and  whom  the  Londoner 
wanted  to  cup  and  electrify,  as  restoratives.  A  similarly 
reprehensible  joke  was  also  played  off  at  the  expense  of 
the  cat  of  the  Establishment,  whom,  after  stupefying  with 
ether,  the  Students  partially  shaved,  painting  the  denuded 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  199 

portion  of  the  body  (including  the  tail)  in  black  and  yel 
low  stripes,  zebra  fashion.  Mrs. became  so  incensed 

at  this,  and  at  a  subsequent  attempt  to  cleanse  the  animal 
by  means  of  the  shower-bath,  as  to  give  them  all  notice  to 
quit — but  they  would  n't  go.  And  when  the  "  Veteran" 
endeavored  to  enforce  their  departure,  they,  after  hypo 
critically  agreeing,  made  him  deplorably  drunk  on  rum  and 
water,  burnt-corked  his  nose  and  eye-brows,  smashed 
his  hat  in,  tore  his  coat  up  his  .back,  carried  him  up 
stairs  and  deposited  him  on  the  parlor-table;  in  which 
position  he  was  discovered  on  the  following  morning  by 


HUJUUJ 


the  servant  when  she  went  to  lay  the  cloth  for  breakfast. 
Two  of  the  more  active  participators  in  this  frolic  did 
leave  the  next  day,  and  the  "  Veteran,"  after  taking  four- 
and-twenty  hours  to  sober  himself,  tracked  them  to  a 
little  tavern ;  and  persuading  the  landlord  to  turn  the 
key  of  their  room,  started  for  the  police.  Yet,  on  his  re- 
,turn,  it  appeared  that  the  Students  must  have  overheard 
his  intentions,  for  they  had  escaped  by  means  of  the 
window  and  lightning  rod  ;  previously  cutting  the  carpet 


200 


THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 


of  the  room  and  the  bed  furniture  into  strips  with  their 
pen-knives,  as  a  souvenir  for  the  landlord.  We  believe 
the  "  Veteran"  had  to  pay  damages. 

Our  Students,  anticipating  the  privileges  accorded  by 
a  diploma,  would  sometimes  obtain  patients  among  the 
poor  of  the  neighborhood.  (Most  ignorant  persons  have 
a  distrust  of  hospitals,  entertaining  the  idea  that  they 
will  be  forced  to  submit  to  surgical  operations  within 
them.)  Their  practice,  as  may  be  imagined,  was  marked 
with  occasional  eccentricities.  We  were  present  when  an 
Irish  bricklayer  applied  to  be  cured  of  some  mysterious 
disorder,  the  predominant  symptom  of  which  he  described 
as  "  a  smotherin'  of  the  harrut."  A  Seidlitz  powder  being 
administered  to  him  in  two  doses — the  contents  of  the 
blue  paper  first,  and  the  white  afterwards — the  consequent 
effervescence  took  place  internally  with  extraordinary 
effect.  The  pupils  of  the  patient's  eyes  almost  entirely 
disappeared,  he  gave  vent  to  a  howl  such  as  might  be  sup- 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  201 

posed  to  proceed  from  an  insane  jackal  undergoing  the 
process  of  being  flayed  alive,  leaped  into  the  air,  and 
rushed  from  the  house.  The  practitioners  used  his  hat 
for  a  spittoon  during  the  remainder  of  the  evening.  On 
another  occasion  one  of  them  took  out  a  Dutchman's  en 
tire  set  of  teeth  (they  needed  it),  and  it  was  not  till  he 
called  several  times — at  last,  with  a,  posse  of  friends  armed 
with  clubs — that  he  could  get  an  artificial  set  to  replace 
the  loss.  •  He  had  rashly  paid  in  advance,  and  the  money 
had  been  immediately  devoted  to  a  general  "  bust." 

It  was  upon  this  joyous  occasion,  if  our  memory  is  not 
at  fault,  that  the  play-bill  board  came  into  the  Students' 
possession.  One  of  the  party  getting  helplessly  drunk  at 
an  unprecedentedly  early  period  of  the  evening,  his  friends 
resolved  to  convey  him  in  triumph' to  his  residence — (he 
was  not  one  of  our  boarders).  So  they  first  stole  the  said 
board,  and  then  placed  him  upon  it  at  full  length,  in  which 
position  he  was  borne  aloft  on  the  shoulders  of  four  Stu 
dents,  an  equal  number  preceding ;  each  one  performing 
upon  some  musical  instrument — a  banjo,  tambourine, 
guitar,  or  tin  trumpet — (captured  by  the  Londoner  in  sin 
gle  combat  with  a  fish-vendor) ;  while  half  a  dozen  others 
brought  up  the  rear  as  a  protective  guard  against  the 
police.  Fortunately  they  had  not  far  to  go,  for  the  popu 
lace,  taking  it  for  some  political  demonstration,  manifested 
the  most  inconvenient  enthusiasm ;  and  on  arriving  at  the 
recumbent  one's  Boarding-House,  remained  cheering  out 
side  and  demanding  "  a  speech"  for  some  time. 

Practical  joking,  indeed,  was  quite  the  order  of  the 
day  and  night,  nor  did  the  Students  spare  each  other. 
They  put  bad  eggs  in  one  another's  boots,  cold  fishes  in 
each  others'  beds  (on  winter's  nights) ;  and  once  reduced 
a  boarder's  room  to  a  state  of  most  extraordinary  dis 
order,  during  his  absence,  by  rehanging  the  pictures  up- 

9* 


^U2  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

side-down,  setting  the  bedstead  on  end,  reversing  the 
position  of  the  table,  prostrating  a  chest  of  drawers,  block 
ading  the  windows  with  chairs,  and  scattering  the  washing 
utensils  promiscuously  on  the  stnir-case.  These  proceed 
ings  were  effected  in  retaliation  of  the  occupant's  having 
brought  home,  and  not  invited  the  Students  to  partake 
of,  a  dozen  bottles  of  Leslie's  Bitters — which  they  subse 
quently  purloined,  and  after  drinking  the  contents,  con 
cealed  the  bottles  in  the  stove-pipe  which  crossed  the 
dining-parlor,  where  they  were  discovered  in  consequence 
of  the  flue  smoking  horribly. 

New  men  from  the  West  and  South — (young  fellows 
come  to  New  York  from  all  parts  of  the  Union  to  study 
medicine) — were  always  extensively  victimized.  As  most 
of  these  were  very  ignorant  (some  could  scarcely  write 
their  names),  frequent  brawls  ensued.  One,  originating 
in  the  connection  of  the  knob  of  the  basement  door  with 

a  voltaic  battery,  for  the  pur 
pose  of  administering  -a,  severe 
shock  to  a  big  Tennesseean  (he 
rolled  down  the  cellar-stairs 
and  almost  broke  his  neck) 
had  like  to  have  terminated 
awkwardly.  Arming  himself 
with  a  revolver  and  bowie- 
knife,  he  lay  in  wait  in  the 
passage,  only  abandoning  his 
watch  when  he  discovered  the 
birds  had  escaped  through  the 
window. 

Notwithstanding  such  little  incidents,  they  were,  for 
the  most  part,  friendly  enough.  Some  had  pledged  them 
selves  in  a  ghastly  sort  of  Damon-and-Pythias  spirit  to 
claim  each  others'  skeletons,  according  to  priority  of 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  203 

death.-  In  money  matters  they  were  liberal — when  they 
had  the  means  to  be  so.  They  wore,  and  sometimes 
pawned,  each  other's  clothes.  Altogether  they  might  be 
considered  a  very  agreeable  set  of  young  men — to  get 
away  from.  How  women  could  live  hi  the  house  we  can 
scarcely  imagine,  yet  among  the  four  or  five  non-profes 
sional  boarders  there  were  two  of  them.  As  for  the  land 
lady,  had  she  not  been  new  to  the  business  and  distrustful 
of  refilling  her  house  with  quieter  tenants,  she,  assuredly, 
would  not  have  retained  such. 

Our  sojourn  might  have  comprised  about  a  month — 
during  which  time  we  probably  enjoyed  about  three  nights 
of  unbroken  sleep.  Finding  we  could  n't  get  along  vety 
well  on  such  a  limited  allowance,  we  left ;  subsequently 
chancing  upon  an  incident  so  horrible,  yet  so  characteris 
tic,  that  we  shall  risk  shocking  the  reader  by  narrating  it. 
If  peculiarly  sensitive,  we,  herewith,  give  him  premonitory 
warning  not  to  read  it 

Happening,  then,  to  meet  one  of  our  late  fellow-board 
ers,  he  informed  us  that  he  had  just  been  attending  a  post 
mortem  on  the  body  of  one  of  his  friends  who  had  com 
mitted  suicide,  adding  that  he  had  his  intestines  (he  used 
another  word)  in  his  pocket — would  ice  like  to  see  them  ? 


CHAPTER  IXIII. 

THE   BOARDING-HOUSE   FREQUENTED   BY   BOSTONIANS 

'S  a  trim,  sober-colored  edifice 
of  moderate  dimensions,  in 
an  unfinished  street  on 
the  North  river  side  of  the 
Sixth  Avenue.  It  has  trees 
in  front  of  it,  and  is  within 
five  minutes'  walk  of  the 
cars,  of  which  convenience, 
however,  the  boarders 
avail  themselves  much  less 
frequently  than  similarly- 
located  New  Yorkers 
would  do — in  fact,  only 
when  necessitated  by  haste 
or  foul  weather.  Bosto- 
nians  have  faith  in  exer 
cise,  and,  unlike  our  faster  population,  don't  rush  into  a 
vehicle  when  they  want  to  get  from  one  block's  end  to 
the  other. 

Its  mistress  claims  Massachusetts  as  her  birth-State,  a 
mesalliance  with  a  New  Yorker  having  proved  the  imme 
diate  caus'e  of  her  expatriation  from  its  much-loved  capital. 
She  will  tell  you  calmly  (now  that  years  have  brought 
resignation)  how  the  change  disgusted  her,  at  first,  and 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING- HO  USES.  205 

how  long  it  was  before  she  got  used  to  it.  "Nor  has  she, 
since  her  marriage,  revisited  the  "  City  of  Notions." 
Her  time,  she  says- is  too  much  taken  up.  Such  is  her 
sense  of  responsibility  for  the  well-being  of  the  Establish 
ment,  that  she  can  not  conceive  of  the  possibility  of  its 
getting  along — even  for  a  week — during  her  absence. 
So,  though  believing  in  her  birth-place  to  that  extent  of 
which  only  a  Bostonian  is  capable,  she  endures  voluntary 
banishment,  devoting  her  energies  to  the  production  of  a 
social  atmosphere  akin  to  that  in  which  she  was  nurtured. 

Her  husband  is  a  matter-of-fact,  business-like  man,  his 
wife's  senior  by  years,  and  inferior  by  education — both  of 
which  circumstances  she  is  very  well  aware  of.  He  has 
some  clerkish  employment  in  Wall-street,  and  is  supposed 
to  be  in  receipt  of  so  good  a  salary  as  to  render  it  prob 
able  that  keeping  a  Boarding-House  is  (strange  as  it  may 
seem)  more  a  matter  of  inclination  than  necessity  on  the  part 
of  his  lady.  Perhaps  she  has  resolved  upon  realizing  enough 
to  return  to  Boston,  carrying  her  husband  with  her,  there 
to  dwell  en  permanence  /  perhaps  the  avocation  suits  her, 
as  affording  scope  for  her  natural  industry  and  thrift.  If  you 
question  Mr. ,  he  laughs,  and  tells  you  his  wife  likes  it. 

In  person,  she  is  a  dark-haired,  dark-eyed  woman  of 
forty,  keen-looking  rather  than  handsome,  of  robust  fig 
ure,  and  always  attired  with  a  sort  of  decisive  neat 
ness  repellent  of  crinoline  and  the  like  vanities.  You 
would  hardly  mistake  her  for  a  New  Yorker,  nor  would 
she  be  flattered  by  such  a  supposition.  Her  self-possession 
is  less  demonstrative,  chillier,  and  more  indicative  of 
latent  self-esteem  than  that  of  metropolitan  dames — for 
whom  she  entertains  an  unqualified  contempt.  She  mam- 
tains  considerable  reserve  towards  strangers,  is  apt  to 
form  hasty  and  severe  opinions  of  them,  and  to  hold  on 
to  such  with  great  tenacity.  Her  reserve  once  broken 


206  THE      PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

clown,  she  becomes  loquacious — especially  on  the  subject 
of  Boston. 

If  you  hail  from  that  phoenix  of  n^ral  and  intellectual 
capitals,  she  may  condescend  to  put  you  on  probation  for 
her  liking — if  not,  you  may  be  a  very  good  sort  of  person, 
but  it  behooves  you  to  stand  off  and  reverence  your  bet 
ters.  Mrs. knows  her  value,  and  that  of  the  place  of 

her  nativity.  Dispute  the  latter — disparage  it  in  the 
slightest  degree — put  in  a  word  in  favor  of  New  York  (or 
any  other  city)  in  comparison — she  listens  to  you,  not 
with  indignation,  but  compassion — much  as  a  missionary 
in  Kaffirland  might  be  supposed  to  do  if  a  savage  were 
to  arrogate  the  superiority  of  a  girdle  of  ox-entrails  over 
the  decencies  of  broadcloth.  Finally,  our  landlady  talks 
nasally,  retaining  (like  most  persons  of  eastern  origin) 
certain  provincialisms  of  speech,  and  is  a  Unitarian  of  the 
iciest  and  most  intellectual  description. 

The  house  resembles  its  mistress  in  cleanliness  and  prim 

nicety  of  appearance.     Irish  servants,  Mrs. declares, 

don't  suit  her,  either  on  the  score  of  religion  or  efficiency. 
She  has  engaged  a  couple  of  English  girls,  and  being  in 
formed  of  their  home  badge  of  servitude — caps,  would  have 
perpetuated  it,  but  that  the  younger  of  the  two  (who  is 
pretty,  and  has  nice  hair)  rebelled.  They,  with  their  mis 
tress — she  personally  superintends  the  cooking — do  every 
thing.  The  meals  are  served  to  a  miracle  of  punctuality,  \ 
baked  meats  preponderate,  beans  always  appear  at  Sun 
days'  dinners,  and  Mrs. ,  assisted  by  her  husband,  or 

the  oldest  boarder,  presides  at  table. 

As  indicated  by  the  title  prefixed  to  our  Chapter,  the 
majority  of  the  boarders  are  Bostonians,  the  exceptions 
being  four  New  Yorkers,  and  a  middle-aged  Englishman 
with  his  wife  and  daughter.  The  landlady's  son — a  lub 
berly  youth  of  sixteen — is,  also,  decidedly  metropolitan, 


NEW     YOKK     BOAEDING-HOUSES.  207 

both  by  birth  and  instinct.  He  spends  most  of  his  time 
in  engine  or  porter-houses,  and  has  frequently  deserted 
the  paternal  roof  (after  emptying  his  mother's  pocket  of 
such  loose  change  as  might  happen  to  be  there),  returning 
in  a  penniless  and  ragged  condition.  The  boarders  allude 
to  him  as  a  "  hard"  boy,  generally. 

They — the  Bostonians — average  from  nine  to  a  dozen 
in  number.  All  are  engaged  in  business  down-town,  some 
as  clerks  in  banks,  or  wholesale  stores ;  one,  a  tall  gentle 
man  in  a  curly  black  wig  (connected  with  an  insurance 
office),  is  married,  and  his  wife,  with  that  of  the  English 
man,  her  daughter  and  two  single  ladies,  constitute  the 
female  population  of  the  Establishment — none  of  whom 
are  "New  Yorkers. 

There  is  a  stiffness  of  manner  prevalent  among  these 
gentlemen  which  is  eminently  characteristic.  They  seldom 
go  to  extremes  of  fashion  in  costume,  preferring  sober 
colors  and  quiet  patterns.  The  cut  of  their  clothes  is 
rather  English  than  Parisian.  Some  wear  narrow-brimmed 
hats,  all-rounder  collars  and  little  gaiters,  and  are  prone 
to  attenuated  umbrellas.  Very  few  sport  moustaches, 
clean-shaven  chins  are  not  uncommon,  and  while  one  "does 
the  English"  with  luxuriously-pendulous  whiskers  (after 
the  style  of  John  Leech's  "swells"),  another  displays  a 
perfect  specimen  of  the  old-fashioned  mutton-chop  order. 
You  will  discover,  in  fact,  on  acquaintance,  that  they  en 
tertain  a  species  of  cold  regard  for  Anglicisms,  and,  there 
fore,  instinctively  annex  such  as  do  not  conflict  with 
Bostonian  sentiment. 

They  are  a  precise  ^and  exact  race,  punctual  at  meals, 
not  accustomed  to  make  allowances  for  deficiencies  (acci 
dental  or  otherwise),  and  very  tightly  buttoned  up  in 
their  own  opinions.  Being  away  from  their  birth-place 
they  find  it  necessary,  in  their  daily  avocations,  to  relax  a 


208  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

little  (as  a  Roman  citizen  might  have  done  in  his  travels 
among  barbarians)  and  therefore  feel  it  incumbent  upon 
them  to  be  more  than  usually  Bostonian — in  their  Board 
ing-House. 

New  York,  they  will  tell  you,  is  a  very  good  sort  of  a 
place  for  making  money,  but  that  is  all.  It  must  n't  pre 
tend  to  any  thing  else.  They  are  Bostonians  and  know 
better.  The  relative  merits  of  the  two  cities  form  the 
argument  of  unceasing  discussion  over  the  supper-table, 
some  indirect  or  openly  contemptuous  remark  generally 
provoking  the  New  Yorkers  to  the  championship  of  their 
metropolis ;  and,  though  in  the  minority,  they  do  not 
always  have  the  worst  of  the  controversy.  Yet  some  of 
their  opponents  possess  a  hard,  dry  humor  which  is  very 
telling  in  debate.  They  all  pull  together,  of  course ;  the 
younger  Bostonians — though,  perhaps,  secretly  alive  to 
the  greater  attractions  of  the  Empire  City — holding  it  a 
point  of  honor  to  stick  to  their  party.  We  have  known 
one  of  them  to  break  off  in  the  midst  of  a  strenuous  de 
fence  of  the  anti-smoking  ordinances  of  Boston,  to  stroll 
up  Broadway,  cigar  in  mouth — being  sublimely  uncon 
scious  at  the  time  of  any  incongruity  of  conduct. 

Some  of  the  Bostonians  are  dreadfully  well-informed. 
It  is  appalling  to  think  how  much  they  must  have  read. 
Nothing  comes  amiss  to  them.  Art,  literature,  politics, 
history,  science,  religion — they  have  them  all  at  their 
fingers'  ends.  If  they  are  particularly  strong  on  one  sub 
ject,  above  all  others,  it  is  arithmetic,  as  applied  to  valua 
tion.  Like  Jews,  they  seem  to  have  been  born  with  the 
faculty  of  knowing  the  exact  worth  of  every  article  in  ex 
istence.  You  had  better  not  venture  any  observation,  to 
these  gentlemen,  on  any  subject  on  which  you  're  not 
thoroughly  well-posted.  It  will  be  tossed  from  one  to 
the  other  and  you  turned  inside  out  in  a  twinkling. 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  209 

"We  have  often  thought  that  that  King  of  Castile,  who 
said  that  he  could  have  helped  Providence  to  a  notion  or 
two  on  the  subject  of  the  Creation,  ought  to  have  been  a 
Bostonian.  The  Chinese  make  maps  representing  their  own 
country  as  occupying  the  center  of  the  earth,  others  being 
depicted  as  little  insignificant  spots  in  out-o'-the-way  cor 
ners — and  this  idea  appears  to  exist  in  the  minds  of  the 
inhabitants  of  the  American  Athens.  (Sparta  Avould  be 
the  better  denomination.)  It  is  the  moral  and  intellectual 
center  of  the  universe.  Other  capitals  are  to  be  judged 
only  by  its  standard,  according  as  they  approach  to  or 
diverge  from  it. 

This  localism  of  character,  like  that  of  Englishmen,  is 
rather  latent  than  obtrusively  manifest,  as  though  it  were 
superfluous  to  claim  that  superiority  which  ought  to  be 
universally  admitted.  But  only  question  it,  and  see  how 
quickly  it  blazes  into  assertion.  The  Bostonians  of  our 
Boarding-House  could  always  be  "  riled"  into  controversy 
by  encomium  on  New  York. 

Drop  but  a  word  of  our  forthcoming  park,  they  are 
down  upon  you  with  Boston  Common,*  inquiring,  with 
an  aspect  of  calm  pity,  whether  you  're  aware  that  it  con 
tains  no  less  than  forty-eight  acres  !  If  this  does  n't 
knock  you  over,  they  state  how  long  it  has  been  in  exist 
ence.  Allude  to  New  York  bay,  the  view  from  Green 
wood  or  Hoboken  heights,  they  prefer  those  of  Dorchester 
and  the  look-out  from  the  summit  of  the  Bunker  Hill 
Monument.  Comm'end  Broadway,  they  incline  to  the 
opinion  that  much  prettier  women  are  to  be  seen,  any 
day,  in  Washington-street.  Talk  of  our  prominent  edit 
ors,  preachers,  and  business  men  (as  Greeley,  Raymond, 

*  "We  have  heard  it  asserted  that  every  Bostonian  always  carries  a 
bit  of  his  native  Common  in  his  pocket.  Our  faith  in  this  statement  is 
not  implicit ;  we  therefore  confine  it  to  a  note. 


210  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

Beecher,  Chapin,  Astor,  Grinnell,  etc.),  they  first  trump 
your  remarks  with  the  names  of  Boston  notables  (coming 
out  very  strong  about  Amos  Lawrence — who  appears  to 
have  been  the  incarnation  of  Boston  virtue  pinnacled  on 
money-bags),  and  then  claim  the  majority  of  the  former 
as  of  eastern  origin.  In  nothing  will  they  allow,  not  the 
superiority,  but  equality  of  New  York  with  Boston. 

They  cut  sarcastic  jokes  at  our  expensively  inefficient 
police,  dirty  streets,  blockaded  side-walks,  post-office, 
fires,  municipal  corruptions,  and  spasmodic  attempt  at  re 
form — not  without  reason.  They  sneer  at  our  claims  to 
intellect.  They  declare  our  conscience — especially  in  the 
matter  of  abolition — is  in  our  breeches-pocket.  They  ob 
ject  to  our  persistence  in  fraudulently  representing  New 
York  as  the  metropolis  of  the  United  States ;  and  think 
Jenny  Lind,  Grisi,  and  Rachel  very  ill-advised  in  having 
come  here  before  they  had  secured  the  stamp  of  Bostonian 
approbation.  Altogether  they  set  us  down  as  a  fast, 
flashy,  ill-governed,  temporary,  rowdyish,  hybrid,  money- 
getting  and  money-squandering  community,  who  might 
be  a  great  deal  better  if  we  'd  take  example  of— Boston. 

To  all  this  and  more,  the  New  Yorkers  in  our  Board- 
ing-IIouse  have  much  to  reply.  Admitting  that  Boston 
is  the  better-ruled  city,  they  still  affect  to  discover  spots 
sullying  her  cold  eifulgency.  They  take  objection  to  the 
ultra-intellectuality  of  her  exclusive  circles,  pronouncing 
it  decidedly  uncomfortable.  They  assert  that  righteous 
ness  may  be  so  fringed  with  conceit  as  to  render  it  a  very 
unattractive  garment ;  and  sometimes  worn  as  a  cloak  or 
mask,  to  be  laid  aside  at  pleasure.  New  York,  they  ac 
knowledge,  has  a  ^>Gnchant  for  agreeable  sins,  and  com 
mits  them  openly,  while  Boston  locks  the  door;  but 
whether  spiritual  pride  be  not  worse  than  self-indulgence, 
admits,  they  argue,  of  some  question.  Society  in  that 


NEW     YOKK     BO  AKDING-H  OUSES.  211 

metropolis,  they  furthermore  assert,  does  not  possess  the 
great  cosmopolitan  heart  of  England,  the  outward  con 
servatism  of  which  it  apes ;  but  breathes  rather  an  iso 
lated  atmosphere,  and  is  content  to  reproduce  under 
new  forms  the  old  narrow-mindedness  and  intolerance  of 
its  Puritan  ancestors.  As  for  minor  social  questions  they 
declare  that  New  York  does  n't  pretend  to  be  well-bred, 
but  that  as  good-nature  is  the  essence  of  politeness,  so  the 
assumption  of  superiority  is,  necessarily,  in  bad  taste. 
Finally,  they  maintain  the  existence  of  a  very  large  world 
lying  beyond  the  shadow  of  Boston  State  House. 

These,  like  most  discussions,  generally  terminate  in  con 
firming  either  party  in  their  own  opinions.  The  Bostonians 
are  the  cooler  disputants.  We  recollect  fewer  manifesta 
tions  of  hot  temper  on  their  side,  the  worst  being  provoked 
by  a  New  Yorker's  quoting  Fanny  Fern's  depreciatory 
mention  of  their  capital  as  "  a  band-box" —  for  which  re 
mark  no  Bostonian  ever  did,  can,  or  will,  forgive  Fanny. 

In  these  controversies  a  bank  clerk — a  cool,  gentle 
manly  individual  of  five-and-thirty — stands  pre-eminent. 
He  is  an  opera-goer,  and  sometimes  takes  the  landlady 
and  the  daughter  of  the  English  boarder  to  the  Academy, 
where  he  talks  learnedly  of  music — previously  stealing  his 
opinions  from  the  New  York  Times,  which  (as  every 
body  knows)  is  the  highest  of  all  possible  authorities. 
The  younger  lady,  a  blue-eyed  girl  of  sixteen,  admires, 
but  is  rather  afraid  of  her  companion.  If  he  entertain 
any  reciprocal  feeling,  it  has  only  become  demonstrative 
on  one  occasion,  when  perceiving  her  annoyance  at  some 
attentions  on  the  part  of  the  landlady's  son,  he,  to  the 
amazement  of  all  present  (it  was  on  a  summer  evening, 
immediately  after  supper),  seized  that  ingenuous  youth  by 
the  ear,  deliberately  led  him  to  the  door,  and  there  dis 
missed  him,  too  much  astonished  to  attempt  resistance. 


212 


THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 


The  English  boarder  is  a  cheery,  little,  bald-headed  man, 
with  scanty  whiskers,  and  gold-rimmed  spectacles,  a  doctor 
by  profession.  His  wife,  a  plump,  matronly  person,  has  at 
tained  great  popularity  among  the  gentlemen  by  volunteer 
ing  to  replace  missing  shirt-buttons.  She  suffers  immensely 
from  heat  and  musquitoes  in  summer,  and  her  particular 
mission  seems  to  be  that  of  mending  stockings.  They  are 
both  very  fond  of  their  daughter,  and  anxious  that  she 
should  marry  well,  but  consider  her  "  far  too  young  to 
think  of  such  things"  at  present.  She  does  n't  share  that 
opinion. 

The  two  unmarried  lady-boarders — we  apologize  for  our 
involuntary  discourtesy  in  introducing  them  after  the  gen 
tlemen — are  from  the  crowns  of  their  neat  bonnets  to  the 
soles  of  their  stout  walking-shoes  unmitigated  Bostonians. 
(They  affect  a  disdain  of  those  exquisite  gaiter-boots  so 
dear  to  the  hearts  of  Xew  York  belles,  and  their  some 
times  style  of  cliaussure  might  justify  a  sensitive  man  in 
suing  for  a  divorce,  did  his  wife  wear  such.)  They  attend 
lectures,  meetings,  Sunday-schools,  Bible-classes,  etc.,  etc. 
They  are  intellectually  religious,  and  religiously  intel 
lectual.  They  can  (and  will]  talk  with  you  on  any  sub- 


NEW    YOEK     BOAKDING- HOUSES. 


213 


ject,  from  cosmogony  to  pollywogs.  Lastly,  they  are 
more  clever  than  lovable,  for  without  wishing  to  dis 
parage  mental  excellence,  it  is  certain  that  highly  intel 
lectual  people  are  not  always  agreeable  ones;  and  that 
men  will  rather  dispense  with  the  former  in  their  wives 
than  with  capacity  for  affection  and  sympathy. 

The  remaining  lady-boarder  (wife  to  the  tall  gentle 
man)  is  only  noticeable  as  being  much  afflicted  with  the 
toothache,  and  accustomed  to  employing  the  intervals 
between  each  attack  in  assaulting  a  big  accordion  to  the 
tune  of  "  Poor  Dog  Tray."  We  occupied  the  next  room, 
and  having  always  considered  that  air  an  eminently  snivel 
ing,  one,  its  performance,  in  conjunction  with  our  being 
engaged  in  correcting  the  proofs  of  a  book  demonstrating 
that  the  world  would  come  to  an  end*  on  the  Fourth  of 
July,  1855,  had  such  an  effect  on  our  spirits  that  we  were 
goaded  into  improvising  opposition  harmony  with  a  comb 
and  piece  of  whity-brown  paper.  After  two  forenoons' 
practice  upon  that  exhilarating  musical  instrument,  the 
lady  gave  in,  or  only  performed  during  our  absence. 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 


THE  BOARDING-HOUSE  WHOSE  LANDLADY  IS  A  SOUTHERNER. 

NLY  rich  Southerners 
travel;  and  such  as  are 
induced  by  business  or 
pleasure  to  seek  north 
ern  cities  naturally  pre 
fer  the  accommodation 
of  Hotels  rather  than 
Boarding-Houses — the 
St.  Nicodemus,  as  every 
body  knows,  being  es 
pecially  favored  by 
their  patronage.  Yet, 
as,  among  our  list  of 
Establishments,  we  have  cognizance  of  one  whose  general 
characteristics  savored  of  the  sunny  South ;  whose  land 
lady  prided  herself  on  being  "no  Yankee,"  and  whose 
boarders  hailed  mainly  from  the  other  side  of  Mason  and 
Dixon's  line,  we  accord  it  a  Chapter. 

The  house — a  Union  Square  one — was,  like  its  mistress, 
handsome,  and  of  imposing  exterior.  You  could  scarcely 
contemplate  either  without  being  impressed  by  the  as 
sumption  of  aristocratic  dignity,  the  consciousness  of 
position^  as  it  were,  common  to  both.  The  lady  had  the 
gayer  aspect :  for  the  house,  though  a  stylish  four-story 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  215 

one,  with  a  bit  of  garden  in  front,  a  flight  of  stone  steps 
leading  up  to  a  columned  and  pilastered  portico,  an  orna 
mental  balcony  fronting  the  first  floor  windows*  rich 
mouldings  and  cornices  decorating  the  entire  facade — 
was  yet  of  a  sober  brown  tint.  Whereas  no  horticultural 
fete,  no  promenade  on  Broadway  when  the  Spring  fash 
ions  come  forth  in  all  their  glory,  could  display  brighter 
colors  than  Mrs. affected.  Perhaps  she  rather  over 
did  the  modes,  as  is  not  uncommonly  the  case  with  South 
ern  ladies.  (However,  in  New  York,  they  can  plead  the 
example  of  the  aborigines.)  But  in  a  tall,  good-looking 
widow,  with  large,  brown  eyes ;  black  hair  (and  plenty  of 
it) ;  a  straight,  decisive  nose ;  and  smiling,  but  willful 
mouth,  who  could  object  to  it  ? 

We  have  called  her  a  widow,  such  being  her  nominal 
condition.  In  reality,  a  husband  from  whom  she  had  sep 
arated  seven  years  ago,  after  less  than  half  that  period's 
matrimonial  experience,  was  extant  in  California.  Report 
intimated  general  misconduct  on  his  part,  crowned  by 
conjugal  infidelity,  as  the  cause  of  the  rupture ;  and,  also, 
that  his  lady  had  subsequently  cow-hided  him  in  the 
streets  of  his  native  city  in  retaliation  of  certain  slanders 
directed  against  her  fair  fame.  And,  recollecting  how  she 
looked  on  the  occasion  of  discovering  that  the  cook — an 
obese  Irishwoman — had  gone  to  a  ball  in  one  of  her  silk 
dresses,  we  can  very  well  believe  it. 

Why  our  landlady  had  quitted  Georgia  for  New  York, 
unless  in  consequence  of  the  inharmonious  climax  to  her 
wedded  life,  we  know  as  little  as  why  she  kept  a  Board 
ing-House.  Possibly  she  was  poor,  and  her  pride  sus 
tained  less  mortification  in  seeking  subsistence  in  a  distant 
city  than  in  remaining  where  her  former  position  afforded 
scope  for  unfavorable  contrasts.  She  had  followed  her 
present  employment  five  years,  ostensibly  with  success, 


216  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OP 

yet,  as  events  proved,  surrounded  by  a  constant  environ 
ment  of  debt  and  difficulty. 

On  becoming  an  inmate  of  her  Establishment,  our  ex 
pectations  of  the  internal  arrangements  sustained  some 
disappointment.  We  had,  naturally,  shaped  them  in 
accordance  with  the  stylish  exterior  and  dressy  landlady, 
but  intimacy  rather  lessened  our  regard  for  either.  As 
Mrs. 's  presence  suggested  claims  to  patrician  refine 
ment  which  her  manners  and  faults  of  temper  militated 
against;  so  her  domestic  economy  was  unsatisfactory. 
Not  that  the  house  or  table  exhibited  any  striking  defi 
ciencies,  both  being  handsomely  furnished,  but  a  general 
untidiness — thoroughly  Southern  in  its  way — and  origi 
nating  in  want  of  system,  pervaded  every  thing.  It  was 
even  perceptible  on  our  introduction  to  our  chamber,  a 
spacious  two-windowed  one,  with  dusty  curtains,  a  heap 
of  ashes  and  cinders  in  the  grate,  a  marble  fire-place  (or 
namented  with  tobacco-stains),  and  a  ewer  and  basin,  re 
spectively  containing  three-days-old  water  and  slops.  Our 
landlady  (who  had  not  disdained  to  pilot,  us  thither, 
though,  usually,  she  made  over  this  duty  to  a  servant), 
called  up  a  sullen  housemaid,  and  rated  her  severely,  but 
we  subsequently  found  "  shiftlessness" — to  use  the  pet 
word  of  Mrs.  Stowe's  Aunt  Ophelia — rather  the  rule  than 
otherwise. 

Beds  were  left  unmade  till  sunset,  the  water  supply 
being  deferred  to  an  equally  late  period  ;  and  then  poured 
into  unrinsed  ewers.  Fires  were  so  hastily  constructed 
that  they  went  out  almost  immediately — inciting  chilly 
boarders  to  do  the  same.  The  bath-room  was  always  out 
of  order.  You  discovered  yourself  unprovided  with  towels 
after  facial  lavation — which  is  always  an  aggravating  cir 
cumstance.  Meals  were  served  at  unequal  intervals — 
always  half  an  hour  after  their  nominal  time — and  the 


NEW    YOKK     BOAEDING -HOUSES.  217 

cookery,  though  of  an  ambitious  order,  fluctuated  in 
merit,  occasionally  proving  a  dead  failure.  We  have 
known  blood  to  follow  an  incision  in  a  shoulder  of  veal,  at 
dinner,  and  all  the  vegetables  to  come  up  flavored  with 
soot.  You  had  frequently  to  ask  for  water,  the  pitchers 
being  unfilled.  And  all  these  nuisances,  individual  and 
combined,  though  subject  to  violent  abolition  at  certain 
crises,  appeared  to  be  part  of  our  normal  condition,  as  we 

always  got  back  to  them.   Mrs. changed  her  servants 

very  frequently,  and  once — in  spite  of  the  inherent  dislike 
of  all  Southerners  to  "  free  niggers" — tried  a  kitchen  full 
of  darkeys.  But  the  colored  gentleman  who  waited  at 
table  "  sassed"  her  on  a  question  of  propriety  (we  believe 
he  was  discovered  applying  his  mouth  to  a  bottle  of  sherry 
belonging  to  one  of  the  boaYders),  and  he  and  his  com 
panions  had  to  quit  in  consequence.  And  we  entertain  no 
doubt  that  had  our  landlady  possessed  the  power — pretty 
woman,  and  generally  indulgent  as  she  was — the  back  of 
Beauharnois  (that  was  our  waiter's  name),  would  have 
smarted  for  it.  She  acknowledged  as  much  to  us,  over 
the  supper-table,  concluding  the  conversation  with  the 
sentiment  that  "  a  nigger  would  be  a  nigger  anyhow." 
Which  seemed,  indeed,  a  self-evident  proposition. 

Perhaps  the  fault  of  general  mismanagement  lay  not 

entirely  on  the  servants'  side.     Mrs. scarcely  treated 

them  in  a  consistent,  not  to  say  judicious  manner.  They 
appeared  to  have  no  recognized  department  assigned  to 
them,  individually.  A  housemaid  would  be  set  to  nursing 
the  baby  of  a  lady-boarder ;  the  cook  called  upon  to  ar 
range  the  dining-parlor,  or  to  open  the  hall  door.  Their 
mistress'  favor  or  ill-humor  was  accorded  very  capriciously. 
The  "  boy"  Beauharnois  (he  was  always  called  boy  in  the 
Establishment),  obtained  a  three  days'  holiday  after  the 
Fourth  of  July,  on  the  condition  that  he  should  find  a 

10 


218  T1IE     PHYSIOLOGY     OP 

substitute ;  which  he  did  in  the  shape  of  a  fat,  greasy, 
idiotic,  yellow  man,  who  spilled  soup  on  the  carpet,  was 
seized  with  paroxysms  of  sneezing  while  handing  dishes, 
and  cut  his  fingers  to  the  bone  in  the  endeavor  to  dissect 
a  canvas-back  duck.  (He  was  removed  from  the  table 
howling,  and  subsequently  sent  our  landlady  a  bill  for 
medical  attendance,  which  Beauharnois  compromised.) 

Had  it  been  represented  to  Mrs. that  a  more  uniform 

sway  might  have  produced  pleasanter  results,  she  would 
have  resented  the  advice.  In  common  with  most  South 
erners,  she  believed  that  no  adequate  service  could  be  ob 
tained  without  the  exercise  of  unlimited  authority. 

Her  Establishment  was  an  expensive  one,  the  terms 
being  rather  higher  than  the  average  of  similar  Boarding- 
Houses.  Some  of  the  lodgers  did  not  pay  up  very  regu 
larly  ;  others  got  in  debt,  and  left  without  paying  at  all. 
Of  these  last,  a  flashily-dressed  gentleman  of,  perhaps,  five- 
and-thirty,  was  a  choice  sample.  Though  not  good-look 
ing,  he  would  have  passed  for  it  with  most  persons,  in 
virtue  of  his  hawk-nose,  glossy  moustache,  and  carefully- 
dyed  and  trimmed  beard.  He  always  wore  clothes  of  the 
most  fashionable  cut,  and  rich  vests ;  sporting  also  a  pro 
fusion  of  jewelry,  even  to  the  coxcombry  of  displaying 
rings  over  his  gloves — (as  our  landlady  did,  by-the-by). 
He  had  champagne  at  dinner,  and  was  very  liberal  in 
passing  the  bottle  to  fellow-boarders ;  as  in  giving  them 
cigars  of  choice  brands  and  excellent  quality,  each  being 
separately  enwrapped,  as  a  thing  of  rare  price,  in  a  dried 

tobacco  leaf.     To  Mrs. he  was  especially  attentive, 

accompanying  her  to  the  Opera ;  and,  occasionally,  to  that 
odd-looking  church  in  the  vicinity,  which  appears  as  if  the 
architect,  unable,  from  lack  of  funds,  to  finish  both  towers 
after  the  original  design,  had  despairingly  extinguished 
one  of  them  beneath  a  quadrangular  cone  of  slate-colored 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING- HOUSES.  219 

timber.  The  boarders — and,  in  particular,  the  young 
men — thought  him  at  first,  a  knowing,  pleasant  fellow, 
and  were  ambitious  of  his  companionship ;  but  in  time 
grew  shy  of  him.  It  was  whispered  that  his  "  plantation 
in  Arkanzmo"  might  be  apocryphal,  that  "  some  of  the 
fellows"  had  lost  a  good  deal  of  money  in  his  company, 
and  suspected  him  of  being  the  proprietor  of  a  faro-bank, 
to  which  he  had  introduced  them.  A  little  incident 
growing  out  of  this  brought  his  stay  in  our  Boarding- 
House  to  a  sudden  termination. 

There  came  to  it,  on  his  way  to  Europe  (and  the  Crys 
tal  Palace  Exposition  of  1851),  a  young  Kentuckian,  a 
former  acquaintance  of  the  landlady's.  He  had  intended 
no  longer  stay  than  the  few  days  elapsing  between  his  ar 
rival  and  the  departure  of  the  next  steamer.  On  the  sec 
ond  night,  having  drunk  deeply  of  town  pleasures,  under 
the  guidance  of  our  dubious  Arkansas  planter,  he  found 
himself  cleaned  out  of  something  like  $5000 — being  the 
entire  sum  intended  to  meet  the  expenses  of  his  projected 
tour.  Of  which  circumstance,  after  shame  had  kept  him 

silent  for  the  better  part  of  a  week,  he  informed  Mrs. . 

She  counseled  communication  with  the  police,  which  he, 
from  some  wild  notion  of  honor,  would  not  agree  to.  So 
she  privately  telegraphed  to  his  relatives ;  and  on  the  fifth 
morning  subsequent  to  the  fleecing  operation,  a  stalwart, 
six-foot-five-inch-high  uncle  of  the  victim  arrived.  Why 
•the  swindler  had  not  shifted  his  quarters  we  are  at  a  loss 
to  conceive — perhaps  he  anticipated  the  youth  would 
pocket  his  loss  uncomplainingly,  perhaps  leaned  in  trustful 
reliance  on  legal  or  political  friendship  in  New  York. 
Any  way  he  stayed,  and  had  not  risen  at  the  time  of  the 
uncle's  arrival,  upon  which  that  gentleman  waited  upon 
him  in  his  bed-chamber. 

What  took  place  in  that  interview  was  never  precisely 


220 


THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 


ascertained.  There  were  rumors  that  the  Kentuckian 
opened  the  proceedings  in  a  very  Turpin-like  manner,  by 
placing  the  muzzle  of  a  revolver  in  the  immediate  vicinity 


of  the  sharper's  head,  and  presently  compelled  him  to  pro 
duce  from  a  small  port-monnaie  (which  he  wore  in  his 
breast,  secured  by  a  strong  steel  chain),  the  greater  part 
of  the  sum  of  which  his  nephew  had  been  despoiled.  Cer 
tain  it  is  that  we  met  the  defeated  black-leg  with  a  very 
ghastly  face,  as  he  hurried  down  stairs,  two  hours  after 
wards,  and  that  he  incontinently  decamped,  leaving  only 
a  new  valise  filled  with  bricks,  old  newspapers,  odd  cards, 
French  lithographs,  a  broken  dice-box,  and  a  book  of 
"  Confessions  of  a  Reformed  Gambler." 

This  stalwart  uncle,  by-the-by — he  stayed  a  fortnight  at 
the  house,  and  subsequently  accompanied  his  nephew  to 
Europe — was  a  true  gentleman,  possessing  a  naive  court 
esy  and  good  humor  very  pleasant  to  contemplate.  Only 
on  one  topic  did  he  exhibit  any  sort  of  prejudice — the  in 
evitable  one — Slavery.  "  He  had  always  been  taught," 


NEW     YORK     B  O  A  ED  I  N  G-H  O  U  S  E  S.  221 

he  said,  "  to  think  all  Abolitionists  d — d  scoundrels,  and 
he  was  going  to  believe  it." 

Apropos  of  the  London  Exposition,  our  Establishment 
comprised  a  boarder  who,  just  returned  from  a  week  in 
Europe,  had  started  with  the  intention  of  seeing  it,  yet 
never  touched  English  soil.  He  was  a  thin,  tall  Texan, 
who  had  gone  out  "  on  a  spree"  in  one  of  the  Southampton 
and  Bremen  steamers,  and  being  oblivious  from  intoxica 
tion  on  arriving  at  the  former  port,  had  held  on  to  the 
latter,  where  he  got  rid  of  all  his  money,  finally  returning 
(on  credit)  by  the  same  vessel.  He  complained  greatly 
of  a  pious  Dutch  interpreter  who  would  n't  translate  ver 
bal  improprieties  to  filles-de-joie,  but  endeavored  to  con 
vert  them.  Also  he  had  got  certain  Londoners  on  the 
return  voyage  to  fudge  him  notes  relative  to  the  Exhibi 
tion,  that  he  might  not  be  laughed  at  on  his  return  to 
Corpus  Christi.  We  guess  he  was  awaiting  the  arrival  of 
funds  to  enable  him  to  perform  that  journey. 

But  three  lady-boarders  ornamented  the  Establishment, 
two  of  whom  were  Southerners — one  appertaining  to  a 
Northern  husband.  The  other  was  a  fair-haired,  fat,  little 
woman,  very  lazy,  very  stupid,  very  ill-bred,  and  very  des 
potic  in  her  mode  of  addressing  servants.  She  attired 

herself,  if  possible,  more  extravagantly  than   Mrs. , 

and  was  suspected  of  a  mysterious  habit,  denominated,  in 
Southern  parlance  "dipping" — in  other  words,  of  chewing 
snuff- — (we  can  depose  to  the  fact  of  her  smelling  like  a 
spittoon,  as  we  sat  beside. her  at  dinner).  She  nourished 
the  most  absurd  ideas  of  her  importance  in  consequence 
of  a  remote  connection  with  the  "  first  families  of  Vir 
ginia." 

The  "  Old  Dominion"  was  more  pleasantly  represented 
by  her  companion,  a  quiet,  lady-like,  and  rather  reserved 
person,  of  youthful  appearance,  though  not  particularly 


222  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OP 

handsome.  Her  manners  were  less  familiar  and  more  cer 
emonious  than  is  common  with  New  Yorkers.  She  was 
highly  accomplished,  and  played  the  piano  exquisitely— 
when  the  other  hadn't  got  it  out  of  tune. 

As  dissimilar  as  their  better  halves,  the  husbands  de 
serve  a  word  of  notice.  The  first  we  studied  as  a  good 
type  of  the  most  obnoxious  animal  producible  on  this  side 
of  the  Atlantic— a  thoroughly  low  Southerner.  We  shall 
not  mention  his  birth-State,  as  it  might  appear  invidious. 
A  coarse-haired,  vicious-faced  individual,  of  uncleanly, 
though  expensively-dressed  exterior  (he  always  looked  as  if 
he  had  just  put  on  anew  suit  of  clothes  for  the  express  pur 
pose  of  rolling  underneath  a  bed),  his  total  ignorance  of  any 
thing  like  decency,  propriety,  or  morality,  was  absolutely- 
startling.  He  swore  habitually,  conversed  pruriently, 
jested  obscenely,  chewed  unceasingly,  expectorated  pro 
miscuously.  All  his  opinions  were  in  extremes,  and  backed 
by  wagers,  or  appeals  to  physical  force.  Withal,  he  pos 
sessed  the  most  perfect  faith  in  the  inherent,  inevitable 
superiority  of  all  Southrons  over  persons  hailing  from 
other  points  of  the  compass. 

— Yet  HE  found  admirers.  For,  on  his  boasting,  one 
morning,  of  having  squandered  a  couple  of  hundred  dol 
lars  overnight  in  places  of  zmequivocal  resort,  two  board 
ers,  of  Northern  birth,  admitted,  "  with  a  foolish  face  of 
praise,"  that  "  it  took  a  SOUTHERNER  to  spend  money  /" 
We  thought  them  just  the  prettiest  samples  of  the  genus 
denominated  by  John  Randolph  and  the  Tribune  "  dough 
face"  we  had  ever  encountered. 

Husband  the  second  was  a  brisk,  business-like  New 
Yorker,  "a  Northern  man  with  Southern  principles" — 
hence,  we  presume,  his  presence  in  the  Establishment. 
He  had  an  office  in  Wall-street,  and  anticipated  coming 
in  for  an  inheritance  of  land  and  slaves  in  Virginia  on  be- 


NEW      YORK      BOARDING-HOUSES. 

half  of  his  wife.  He  would  prove  to  you  scripturally,  po 
litically,  and  every  sort  of  way,  the  blessedness  of  the 
"  peculiar  institution."  lie  was  one  of  the  admirers  of 
the  brute  before  described. 

Yet  if  the  worst-bred  man  we  have  known  claimed 
Southern  origin,  so  also  did  the  best,  and  with  him  we 
shall  conclude  our  Chapter.  He  was  a  handsome  young 
Louisianian,  very  frank  and  good-humored.  We  have  a 
suspicion  that  some  college  escapade  had  brought  him  to 
New  York— chiefly  founded  on  his  getting  us  to  make, 
from  a  daguerreotype,  an  outrageous  caricature  of  a  pro 
fessorial-looking  gentleman,  with  a  rigid  face  and  a  white- 
choker,  whom  we  presume  had  officiated  as  his  tutor. 
(He  had  it  lithographed,  and  sent  two  hundred  copies  to 
his  fellow-students  in  South  Carolina.)  We  never  saw 
him  appear  to  other  than  advantage.  His  easy  courtesy, 
quiet  self-respect,  and  invariable  regard  for  the  feelings 
of  others,  a  hot  temper  never  provoked  him  to  violate. 
Once,  however,  we  saw  him  severely  tried.  It  was  when 
the  Social  Nuisance  recently  delineated  ventured  on  some 
j0kes — about  as  delicate  as  blows  from  the  fist  of  a  pugi 
list — at  the  expense  of  Northern  women.  One — wife  of 
Doughface  No.  2,  an  amiable  little  lady,  only  noticeable 
for  having  a  baby  which  was  always  cutting  its  teeth — 
was  present,  and  looked  hot  and  disconcerted.  Where 
upon  young  Louisiana  took  up  the  cudgels  in  the  defense, 
and  in  three  or  four  trenchant  sentences  utterly  demol 
ished  the  oifender.  The  Nuisance  was  subsequently  boast 
ing,  after  his  usual  violent  manner,  of  practically  resenting 
his  discomfiture,  when  his  antagonist  tapped  him  on  the 
shoulder  and  inquired  if  he  were  talking  of  him.  Our 
friend  looked  so  unpleasantly  resolute  and  menacing  that 
the  Nuisance's  "  chivalry"  sunk  to  zero  in  a  moment.  He 


224 


THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 


blurted  out  a  very  energetic  denial,  and  embraced  an 
early  opportunity  to  sneak  out  of  the  room. 


We  must  not  forget  to  add  that  the  Nuisance's  wife 
had  a  strong  admiration  for  the  young  Louisianian — which, 
as  she  cordially  detested  her  husband  (who  beat  her)  was, 
perhaps,  not  unnatural.  She  used  to  question  him  as  to 
his  relatives  and  position  in  life  with  very  little  delicacy ; 
and  invited  him  to  accompany  her  on  Broadway  prom- 
enades,  or  to  theaters,  which  last  she  greatly  affected.  He 
dodged  these  advances  towards  "passional  attraction" 
with  considerable  ingenuity,  and  without  unnecessarily 
wounding  her  self-love — until  the  occasion  of  the  land 
lady's  birth-day.  Then  he  utterly  offended  this  Southern 
"Mrs.  Potiphar  (not  a  la  Curtis,  but  a  la  Genesis),  by 
bringing  home  a  handsome  bouquet  for  Mrs. .  Nuis 
ance's  "  lady"  took  it  so  to  heart,  that  in  disgust  at  the 
Louisianian's  want  of  taste,  she  compelled  her  husband  to 
find  another  Boarding-House.  We  heard  that  she  eloped 
from  him  subsequently. 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 


225 


Our  Southern  Boarding-House  is  no  longer  in  existence. 
The  landlady  failed  in  business,  obtained  a  divorce  from 
her  husband,  married  again,  and  is  now  resident  in  New 
Orleans. 


10* 


CHAPTER    XXV. 


THE     BOAKDING-HOUSE     WHOSE     LANDLADY    IS     FROM 
"DOWN    EAST." 

DINGY-LOOK 
ING,  four-story, 
frame-house  in  the 
east-Chatham  dis 
trict,  standing  all 
askew,  and  of 
such  narrow  front 
age  that  it  ap 
pears  to  have  been 
squeezed  into  un 
due  longitudinal 
development  by 
the  neighboring  tenements,  one  of  which  is  a  recently 
erected  manufactory.  The  street  itself  is  a  very  up-and- 
down-hill  thoroughfare,  boasting  a  Presidential  name ;  the 
locality  prolific  of  ash-barrels,  hand-carts,  dirty  side-walks, 
bad  smells,  children  in  gutters,  tumble-down  old  houses, 
and  new  ones  of  bright  red  brick. 

Exteriorly  the  particular  Establishment  we  write  of  is 
unpromising ;  on  entering  you  snuff  an  atmosphere  sug 
gestive  of  cooking-stoves,  confined  air,  and  mice.  Yet  the 
rooms  are  clean,  for  the  landlady  prides  herself  on  the 
performance  of  fortnightly  scrubbings-out,  which  always 


NEW     YORK      BOARDING-HOUSES.  227 

come  off  on  Saturdays.  On  these  occasions  she  and  her 
servant  are  in  a  damp  and  draggled  state  for  fourteen 
consecutive  hours — commencing  at  5  A.M.  ;  her  husband 
goes  out  for  the  whole  day,  and  the  boarders  are  expected 
to  dine  in  the  back  kitchen. 

Mr. is  a  Jerseyman  by  birth,  a  New  Englander  by  pa 
rentage.  He  was  once — as  his  wife  will  take  care  to  inform 
you — "  in  the  ministry,"  but  lost  office  in  consequence  of 
outragmg  the  feelings  of  his  parishioners  by  daring  to  get 
married  without  having  previously  solicited  permission  of 
every  man,  woman,  child,  and  old  woman  among  them. 
In  early  youth  he  ran  away  from  college,  turned  barber, 
spent  four  years  on  a  whaling  voyage,  tried  farming,  and 
kept  school.  He  now  fluctuates,  Micawber-like,  from  ouo 
employment  to  another — from  commission  agencies  of 
Patent-Hydrostatic-Fire-Proof-Pump  Companies,  to  ped 
dling  Histories  of  Coney  Island  in  innumerable  serial 
parts,  with  steel-plate  engravings.  In  these  pursuits  he 
has  so  much  success  as,  generally,  to  lose  his  expenses. 
He  is  always  frightfully  "  hard  up,"  but  contrives  to  meet 
the  demands  of  his  landlord  and  butcher  in  some  wonder 
ful  manner,  utterly  undiscoverable. 

Probably  he,  with  his  wife  and  family,  came  to  New 
York  on  some  wild  expectation  akin  to  his  illustrious  pro 
totype's  dealings  in  "  coals,"  which,  miscarrying,  precipi 
tated  them  into  the  Boarding-House  business.  If,  at  that 
time,  they  had  any  idea  of  its  proving  a  small  Ophir  or 
Lilliputian  California,  twelve  years  of  practical  experience 

has  effectually  undeceived  them.  Mrs. 's  efforts  (her 

husband  always  calls  her  "  Miss,"  but  we  shall  not  adopt 
that  Down-East  peculiarity) — have  but  enabled  them  to 
rub  along  after  a  very  shifty,  desultory  manner. 

She  was,  formerly,  one  of  her  husband's  pupils,  and  is, 
now,  a  shrewd,  sharp,  Yankee-woman,  never  at  ease  but 


228  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

while  working,  very  neat,  loquacious  and  ungraceful,  and 
equally  proud  of  her  pies,  husband,  and  self— as  reflecting 
his  importance.  A  minister's  wife,  she  thinks  (indissolubly 

identifying  Mr. with  his  former  vocation),  can  have 

but  few  equals,  and  no  superiors.  She  wears  short  dress 
es,  utterly  repudiates  crinoline,  and  tucks  her  hair  away 
behind  her  ears.  From  her  pronunciation  you  would 
suppose  her  afflicted  with  a  permanent  stoppage  of  the 
nose,  and  constantly  engaged  in  unsuccessful  attempts  to 
force  a  passage  by  projecting  her  words  through  it.  Em 
phatically,  she  is  a  bustling,  pains-taking  New  Englander, 
with  a  dry  relish  for  domestic  drudgery,  but  as  destitute 
of  womanly  graces  as  a  codfish  is  of  whiskers. 

The  couple  are  very  well  matched,  however,  for  there 's 

as  much  sentiment  in  Mr. as  in  a  candle-box.  His 

only  pleasures — so  far  as  we  could  discover — consisted  in 
hearing  his  wife  talk  of  him  to  the  boarders,  and  setting 
the  younger  members  of  his  family  sums  in  arithmetic. 

They  are  seven  in  number.  The  eldest,  a  newly-mar 
ried  young  woman  of,  perhaps,  two-and-twenty,  has  a 
husband  employed  on  the  city  cars.  He  boards  with  his 
father  and  mother-in-law,  and  sometimes  has  squabbles 
with  the  latter  in  consequence  of  her  habit  of  occasionally 
borrowing  $5  bills  from  his  port-monnaie  with  out  mention 
ing  it.  The  second,  a  saturnine  youth,  one  year  his  sis 
ter's  junior,  is  a  journeyman  watchmaker — suspected  of 
having  money  in  a  Savings  Bank,  and  of  concealing  his 
book,  that  his  mother  mayn't  get  it.  The  third  takes 
after  his  father,  has  been  employed  as  bar-tender  in  a 
porter-house,  ticket-collector  at  a  theatre,  lottery-office 
clerk,  house-painter  and  glazier,  with  intervals  of  "  agen 
cies"  and  bill-collectings.  He  is  a  scampish,  good-looking 
fellow,  and  his  mother's  favorite — of  which  position  he 
avails  himself  in  pawning  her  dresses,  when  desperately 


NEW  YOKK  BOAKDING- HOUSES. 


220 


put  to  it  for  a  "  raise."  The  fourth,  a  girl  of  sixteen,  is 
only  remarkable  as  being  an  enthusiastic  admirer  of  the 
popular  novels  of  "  Silenus  Gobb,  Junior,"  the  whole  of 
which,  it  is  believed,  she  knows  by  heart.  The  fifth,  a 
lad  of  twelve,  possesses  a  faculty  of  non-abashment  per 
fectly  wonderful  in  its  intensity,  and  is  president  of  a  club 
of  boys  (established  for  no  definite  purpose)  which  meets 
in  the  back-kitchen 
on  certain  evenings, 
and  is  occasionally 
squirted  at  through 
the  key-hole  by  the 
elder  brothers.  The 
sixth,  a  pretty  girl 
of  twelve,  devotes 
her  entire  physical 
strength  and  exist 
ence  generally  to 

the  youngest  of  the  family,  a  large  baby,  which  can  never 
be  got  to  sleep  under  any  possible  circumstances. 

The  meals — served  in  a  dark  back  parlor  which  is 
scowled  upon  by  a  tall  rear  building — are  of  the  cheap 
and  dyspeptic  character  heretofore  described  in  connection 
with  the  "  Mean"  Boarding-House,  with  some  few  excep 
tions.  As  in  the  "  Dirty"  Establishment,  pork  predomi 
nates.  To  say  that  all  meats  are  overcooked,  is  simply 
stating  the  fact  that  the  landlady  is  a  New  Englander, 
which  equally  includes  the  facts  that  she  has  a  firm  con 
viction  that  grease  ought  to  form  three  fourths  of  human 
nutriment,  and  that  bread  and  cakes,  which  she  manufac 
tures  herself,  can't  be  made  without  soda,  saleratus,  and 
cream  of  tartar. 

But  we  can  only  do  justice  to  the  culinary  arrangements 
by  inserting  the  following  "  Rules,"  discovered  among  a 


230  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

heterogeneous  medley  of  MS.  in  the  chamber  of  a  literary 
gentleman,  who  left  without  settling  for  his  last  month's 
board.  Whether  designed  as  a  slight  token  of  regard  for 
the  landlady,  we  know  not,  but  have  little  doubt  that  her 
Establishment  supplied  the  quarry  from  which  the  compo 
sition  was  wrought.  As  his  successor,  we  plead  the  right 
of  discovery  in  making  use  of  it. 

RULES 

ELUCIDATIVE   OF  YANKEE  BOARDING-HOUSE   COOKERY. 

The  production  of  Dyspepsia,  Liver  Complaint  and  bad 
complexions  being  the  principal  object  of  this  Science,  it 
is  advisable  on  ah1  possible  occasions  to  be  prodigal  of 
those  valuable  ingredients,  Pork-Fat  and  Saleratus. 

Soup. — Gives  a  fashionable  air  to  a  repast,  and  may  at 
any  time  be  extemporized  from  the  bones  and  scraps  of 
yesterday's  dinner.  The  condiments  of  rice,  pork-fat  and 
pepper  wdll  be  found  necessary.  The  last  is  indispensable. 

To  Roast  Beef. — Procure  a  certain  quantity  of  that  de 
scription  of  animal  food  known  as  "  Boarder's  beef,"  being 
careful  to  select  it  from  the  corpse  of  a  quadruped  which 
has  not  suffered  butchery  by  the  hand  of  man,  but  had 
the  advantage  of  dying  a  natural  death,  and  during  whoso 
long  and  useful  career  plentiful  exercise  has  compensated 
for  inadequate  nourishment.  Bake  for  not  less  than  seven 
hours  in  an  oven.  If,  at  the  expiration  of  that  time  it  prove 
horny  enough  to  turn  the  edge  of  a  knife,  it  may  be  con 
sidered  properly  done — and  your  boarders'  appetites  also, 
when  they  taste  it. 

For  Gravy. — Melt  down  superfluous  bits  of  pork,  and 
fragments  from  boarders'  plates,  and  mix  with  scrapings 
from  the  pan  which  has  been  used  in  baking.  Add  flour 
and  tepid  water,  and  serve  in  a  lukewarm  state. 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING- HO  USES.  231 

To  make  Fish-Balls. — Procure  slabs  of  vociferously- 
scented  codlish.  Soak  potato-remnants  in  hot  water.  Mix 
Avith  pork-fat.  If  you  have  been  engaged  in  lighting  the 
fire,  blacking  the  stove,  or  getting  coal  from  "  below," 
refrain  from  washing  your  hands  before  commencing  culi 
nary  proceedings,  as  additional  flavor  will  be  gained. 
Carefully  close  all  windows  and  ventilatory  orifices  during 
baking,  that  the  scent  produced  may  stimulate  appetite. 
N.  B. — Any  "  Down  East"  family  omitting  to  have  Fish 
Balls  for  Sundays'  breakfast — preparing  them  over  night — 
can  by  no  means  expect  to  get  to  heaven,  at  any  price. 

For  Good  "  Satisfying"  Biscuit. — Take  "  seconds" 
flour  and  saleratus,  mix  and  form  your  biscuit.  Bake 
until  the  top  crust  is  nearly  brown,  being  careful  that  the 
interior  retains  its  original  doughiness.  Serve  hot,  as  an 
incentive  to  indigestion.  1ST.  B. — A  capital  "  filling"  pud 
ding  can  be  manufactured  of  the  remnants. 

Meat  Pie. — When  meat  is  "  a  little  gone,"  or,  for  other 
reasons,  unfit  for  baking,  it  can  always  be  rendered  avail 
able  in  a  pie — the  never-failing  resource  of  good  house 
keepers.  N.  B. — Use  plenty  of  pepper. 

Pastry — May  be  purchased  at  little  expense,  when 
stale,  from  the  nearest  baker's.  Re-warming  is  an  easy 
process,  and,  by  means  of  it,  the  fiction  of  hot  "  dessert" 
can  be  kept  up  for  any  length  of  time. 

The  inmates  of  the  Establishment,  during  our  time,  were 
as  follows :  Two  journeymen  painters,  a  printer  and  his 
wife,  a  German  of  unknown  vocation — who  subsequently 
frightened  every  body  by  having  the  small  pox— a  young 
woman  who  practiced  vocalization  ten  hours  each  day ; 
and  a  very  beery  glass-blower.  These,  with  the  addition 
of  the  numerous  family,  sufficed  to  fill  the  house,  even  to 
the  garrets. 


232  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

Regarding  her  boarders  as  her  natural  prey  and  heri 
tage,  Mrs. 's  ruling  principle  appeared  to  be  that  of 

getting  as  much  out  of  them,  every  way,  as  was  possible. 
To  the  painters  she  suggested  that  they  "  might  as  well" 
bestow  a  spare  evening  in  "  touching  up"  the  street  door, 
persuaded  the  German  to  go  on  errands,  got  the  tuneful 
young  lady  to  immolate  herself  on  needle-work,  and 
secured  the  reversion  of  the  glass-blower's  cast-off  gar 
ments  for  her  offspring.  Only  in  the  case  of  the  printer's 
wife  did  she  meet  with  defeat.  Having  successively 
tempted  her  with  the  prospect  of  quilting,  scrubbing  out 
rooms,  mending  her  (the  landlady's)  husband's  pantaloons 
— and  all  in  vain,  she  became  quite  "  down  upon"  the 
young  wife  (who  was  soon  to  become  a  mother),  and  took  her 
revenge  by  relating  painful  stories  of  the  dangers  attend 
ant  on  maternity.  Which,  coming  to  the  husband's  ears, 
provoked  indignant  remonstrance,  and  a  further  question 
arising  between  him  and  the  landlady  as  to  the  quality  of 
the  eggs  served  at  breakfast,  it  ended  in  the  young 
couple's  departure. 

These  eggs,  by  the  way,  were  not  the  productions  of  either 
of  three  singularly  wretched  fowls,  who  picked  up  a  pre 
carious  livelihood  in  adjacent  gutters  and  roosted  of  nights 
in  the  back-kitchen.  Such  as  they  laid  were  sold  elsewhere 
for  the  landlady's  profit.  Under  an  economical,  though 
fallacious  supposition,  that  a  male  bird  was  an  unne 
cessary  expense,  Mrs.  condemned  them  for  some 

time  to  a  life  of  celibacy.  This  did  n't  answer,  so  a  rusty- 
looking  Shanghai,  with  a  discordant  crow  and  bald  places 
on  his  thighs — as  if  he  had  scratched  off  his  feathers  in 
getting  through  a  grating,  or  out  of  a  cage — was  added 
to  the  ornithological  department.  The  older  boarders 
had  a  tradition  that  the  family  had  attempted  to  keep  a 
cow  in  the  back  yard — where  she  certainly  could  not  have 


NEW    YOKK     BOARDING-  HOUSES. 


233 


turned  round,  so  limited  was  the  area.  An  extraordinary 
appetite,  on  the  part  of  the  animal,  for  starch — as  con 
tained  in  shirt-fronts,  collars  and  wrist-bands,  when  hung 
out  to  dry — induced  the  abandonment  of  the  idea. 

We  have  but  few  incidents  to  relate  in  connection  with 
th.e  Boarding-House  whose  landlady  is  from  Down-East. 
It  is  true  that  the  glass-blower— a  man  with  bushy  whiskers 
arid  no  perceptible  forehead — sometimes  remained  in  bed, 
in  company  with  a  bottle  of  rum,  for  three  days  together. 
TV  e  recollect  passing  his  room-door,  one  night,  and  seeing 
the  rain  pouring  in  upon  him  from  the  open  window,  while 
he  half  sat,  half  reclined,  singing  in  a  maudlin  manner 


the  following  ridiculous  verse— apparently  a  hybrid  com 
position  of  sacred  and  profane  melodies  : 

"Jerusalem,  my  happy  home  1     0  how  I  long  to  see 
The  great  Menad-ge-ree  that  went  to  Milwaukie ; 
And  from  there  they  went  to  Chicago,  to  see  what  they  could 
And  from  there  back  into  Buffalo,  up  the  Niag-a-ree. 

With  a  fine  ole-d  English  gentleman, 
One  of  the  oldest  kind !" 


234  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

He  used  to  have  rows  with  the  landlady  on  a  subject 
alluded  to  in  a  former  Chapter  as  especially  productive  of 
such — coals — which  he  laid  in  himself,  charging  her  with 
annexing  them  to  her  own  use.  She  generally  told  him 
that  he  was  "  a  mean  man"  and  a  nuisance.  We've  no 
doubt  the  in  criminations  of  both  were  correct.  All  dru.nl  - 
ards  are  nuisances. 

There  came,  as  boarder,  on  the  removal  of  the  print  or 
and  his  wife,  a  saffron-colored  Chinaman,  awaiting  the  d  e- 
parture  for  his  native  country  of  the  patron  whom  he  h  ad 
accompanied  to  New  York.  He  was  a  good-humored  Vel- 
low,  with  a  tail  artificially  Iengthened4)y  plaited  silk,  wl  ich 
he  generally  wore  twisted  round  his  head.  The  pain  ,ers 
occasionally  treated  him  to  beer  and  spirits,  but  never  ^re- 
vailed  on  him  to  drink  to  excess.  Yet  the  slightest  en 
couragement  stimulated  him  to  the  wildest  exhilaration, 
when  he  would  laugh,  shout,  dance  and  shriek  in  a  man 
ner  which  excited  the  greatest  indignation  on  the  p.irt  of 
the  landlady,  and  the  liveliest  delight  on  that  of  her 
boarders.  Once,  he  was  induced  by  general  solicitation  to 
indulge  in  opium — the  drug  being  stoutly  maintained  as 
inherently  congenial  to  the  celestial  stomach,  but  the 
effect  proved  so  startling  as  to  render  a  repetition  undesir 
able.  Cliing — so  he  was  called,  after  making  many  dia 
bolical  grimaces  while  chewing,  sunk  into  a  sort  of  muzzy 
stupor,  to  presently  awake  in  a  state  of  frantic  excitement, 
when  he  screeched  like  a  vulture  being  plucked  alive,  and 
asserted  that  his  head  was  growing  so  big  that  the  room 
would  n't  contain  it !  Nor  until  he  was  half-drowned  under 
the  tap  in  the  back-kitchen,  did  he  master  the  delusion. 

Our  stay  in  the  Establishment  scarcely  exceeded  five 
weeks.  It  was  brought  to  a  close  in  consequence  of  our 
meeting  the  landlady's  second  son  attired  in  our  best  coat 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 


235 


and  pants,  at  the  High  Bridge,  Harlem,  on  a  Saturday 
afternoon.  We  had  long  felt  dubious  as  to  our  shirts 
being  our  own  exclusive  property — and  this  little  incident 
decided  us. 


CHAPTER    XXVI. 


THE  BOAEDING-HOUSE  IN  WHICH  ENGLISHMEN  PREDOMINATE. 


7 


—  being  consti 
tutional  grumblers  (which 
we  consider  a  respectable 
quality,  inasmuch  as  it  indi 
cates  dissatisfaction  with 
every  thing  that  may  be 
made  better),  are  prone  to 
indulge  in  this  national  char 
acteristic  to  considerable  ex 
tent  when  necessitated  to 
become  inmates  of  Board 
ing-Houses.  The  system 
militates  against  their  inher 
ent  exclusiveness,  inducing  involuntary  apprehensions  that 
they  may  be  brought  into  contact  with  persons  whom 
they  won't  be  able  to  get  along  with,  and  —  what  is  worse 
—  who  will  be  slow  in  admitting  their  inevitable  inferiority. 
(For  every  Briton,  whether  consciously  or  not,  has  a 
thorough  conviction  that  he  is  the  natural  superior  of 
every  body.)  Wherefore  ttey  not  infrequently  endeavor 
to  dispense  with  these  substitutes  for  homes,  preferring  a 
lodging  at  an  English  tavern  or  a  furnished  room  elsewhere. 
But  speedily  discovering  that  living  at  restaurants  with 


NEW     YOKK     BOAKDING-HOUSES.  237 

any  degree  of  gastronomic  satisfaction,  is  not  to  be  done 
at  a  lesser  expense  than  would  suffice  to  procure  a  greater 
average  of  decency  and  comfort  at  that  Yankee  institu 
tion — a  Boarding-House — they  presently  yield  to  neces 
sity.  We  have,  however,  encountered  Britons  of  lively 
and  inquisitive  temperament,  who  rushed  into  Boarding- 
House  life  with  ardor,  as  to  an  experience  proffering  them 
opportunities  of  deep  insight  into  the  various  peculiarities 
of  social  life  on  this  side  of  the  Atlantic.  Probably  they 
formed  a  high  estimate  of  American  character  in  conse 
quence. 

The  first  care  of  the  Englishman  whose  necessities  or 
inclinations  impel  him  to  this  mode  of  existence,  is  to  dis 
cover  an  Establishment  which  combines  the  advantages  of 
satisfactory  diet,  economic  charges,  and  distance  from 
the  scene  of  his  daily  labors.  He  is  desirous  of  this  hardly- 
to-be-expected  combination  of  excellencies  for  three  rea 
sons.  Firstly,  he  has  a  truly  English  regard  for  good 
living.  Secondly,  he  (we,  with  our  usual  good  nature, 
select  a  respectable  type  of  the  species),  is  at  once  prudent 
and  proud  of  his  pecuniary  integrity.  Lastly,  he  loves 
exercise,  and  exults  in  a  rapid  walk  down-town,  where  he 
"  chaffs"  fellow  employees  on  their  effeminacy  in  using 
omnibusses.  As  might  be  expected,  these  lofty  requisi 
tions  have  to  undergo  considerable  modifications  ere  he 
fixes  upon  a  Boarding-House  wrhich,  he  thinks,  will  do. 

It — we,  as  usual,  draw  upon  personal  experience — is  sit 
uate  on  the  eastern  side  of  the  city,  some  distance  up  the 
"  Broadway"  of  that  quarter.  A  plain,  four-story,  red 
brick  house,  with  green  blinds,  and  shaded  by  alianthus 
trees.  The  landlady's  worser  half  (she  is  English  by 
birth)  kept,  during  life,  a  London  coffee-house,  and  emi 
grating  to  this  country  some  fifteen  years  ago,  died  in 
consequence  of  an  injudicious  attempt  to  vote  the  Whig 


238  THE      PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

ticket  in  an  Irish  ward.  Upon  which,  after  a  decent 
interval,  she  married  her  present  husband,  who  is  a  New 
Yorker,  and  became  known  to  her  in  his  capacity  of  phy 
sician  to  his  predecessor.  It  was,  perhaps,  in  order  to  re 
lieve  his  wife  of  any  unpleasant  reminiscences  in  connection 
with  this  circumstance,  that,  immediately  on  effecting 
matrimony,  he  relinquished  practice,  being  generously 
content  to  rely  upon  his  wife's  exertions  for  a  livelihood. 

She  is  a  light-haired,  round-faced  woman,  still  good- 
looking,  very  industrious,  and  eminently  pockneyish  in 
opinions,  behavior,  and  pronunciation.  She  has  no  living 
children,  her  only  relative  in  the  United  States  being  the 
mother  of  her  former  husband,  between  whom  and  the 
present  a  strong  antagonism  exists.  We  verily  believe 
that  the  old  lady — who  boards  in  the  house,  insisting  on 
paying  up,  regularly,  every  Saturday  night — only  remains 
in  this  country  (towards  which  she  professes  the  greatest 
contempt  and  aversion)  in  order  to  "  serve  out" — as  she 
would  phrase  it — the  successor  of  her  son.  Which  fell 
purpose  she  follows  up  with  that  sleepless  animosity  and 
implacable  malignity  of  which  only  eld  ladies  are  capable. 
The  cause  of  offense  would  appear  to  lie  in  the  fact  of  the 

marriage,  and  her  low  estimate  of  the  character  of  Mr. . 

He  is,  she  says,  "  a  regular  bad  'un,"  and  "  not  worth  his 
salt."  In  the  latter  of  which  opinions  we  perfectly  co 
incide. 

Mr. ,  indeed,  confines  his  business  operations  to 

playing  at  billiards,  attendance  at  pugilistic  encounters, 
trotting-matches,  rowdy  political  clubs,  rat-hunts,  and 
badger-drawings.  To  the  furtherance  of  these  amiable  pur 
suits,  he  is  accustomed  to  extract  loans  from  the  boarders, 
under  the  pretext  of  temporary  pecuniary  embarrassment 
on  the  part  of  the  Establishment — generally  telling  them 
they  can  "  take  it  out"  in  food  and  lodging.  His  success, 


NEW     YOliK      BOARDING- HOUSES. 


239 


however,  is  but  infrequent,  as  the  old  lady  always  fore 
warns  new  comers  of  this  peculiarity,  accompanying  the 
intelligence  with  an  emphatic  veto  on  the  behalf  of  her 

daughter-in-law.     Mr.  strongly  objects  to  this,  as 

calculated  to  degrade  him  in  the  eyes  of  the  boarders, 
and  it  is  said  that  his  outraged  delicacy  once  prompted 
him  to  an  attempt  at  throwing  the  old  lady  out  of  win 
dow.  But  she,  defying  him  and  arming  herself  with  a 
fire-shovel,  until  Mrs. ,  who,  though  a  quiet  woman, 


is  by  no  means  afraid  of  her  husband,  came  to  the  rescue, 
it  was,  happily,  not  carried  into  effect. 

The  average  number  of  boarders  might  be  from  twelve 
to  fifteen,  of  whom,  perhaps,  two  thirds  were  English 
born ;  the  remainder  (with  one  solitary  exception)  being 
Americans.  We  will  give  the  Britons  the  precedence  in 
description — first,  however,  devoting  a  few  brief  lines  to 
the  prevailing  domestic  economy,  as  differing  from  other 
Boarding  -Houses. 


240  THE      PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

Englishmen  carry  their  own  customs  everywhere.  They 
drink  pale  ale  in  the  Sandwich  Islands,  and  would  will 
ingly  devour  imperfectly-cooked  beefsteaks  in  Jerusalem — 
if  they  could  get  'em.  Hence,  though  fifteen  years'  resi 
dence  in  the  United  States  had  modified  some  of  our 
landlady's  culinary  Anglicisms,  others  remained  in  full  in 
sular  perfection. 

For  breakfast  she  supplied  soft-boiled  eggs,  bacon,  her 
rings,  and  strong  black  tea — seldom  coffee,  and  never 
steak.  For  dinner,  alternate  joints  of  boiled  or  roast — 

literally  roast  and  not  baked,  as  Mrs. at  first,  with 

pride,  informed  us,  though  we  fear  the  comparatively 
smaller  trouble  of  the  inferior  process  subsequently  in 
duced  her  to  adopt  it — and  puddings.  Pies  appeared  but 
rarely,  being  then  of  massive  construction,  thickly  crusted, 
and  embedded  in  big  earthen  sarcophagi,  every  way  un 
like  the  thin,  circular  comestibles  familiar  to  American 
tables.  Tea — as  the  final  meal  was  generally  designated — 
proffered  a  frugal  display  of  dried  toast,  stacks  of  bread 
and  butter  piled  like  planks  in  a  lumber-yard,  occasional 
shrimps  or  watercresses,  and  no  preserves.  Our  landlady's 
former  London  coffee-house  experience  was  a  little  evident 
in  these  arrangements. 

To  such  fare,  then — served  tip  in  cleanly  manner,  if  in 

no  great  style — did  the  boarders  assemble,  Mrs. ,  her 

mother-in-law,  or  one  of  the  guests  presiding.  This  latter 
was  a  character.  A  little,  bald,  dimple-faced  Briton,  he 
had  but  recently  arrived,  thus  finally  carrying  out  an  in 
clination  which  seemed  to  have  haunted  him  from  his 
earliest  youth — he  was  then  upwards  of  sixty.  We  should 
suppose,  from  his  own  representations,  that  his  enthusias 
tic  admiration  of  the  United  States  had  instigated  some 
hundreds  of  his  countrymen  to  precede  him.  "  There 
was  no  kings,"  he  had  said,  "  in  Amerikey,  and  no  taxes, 


NEW    YORK     BO  AKDING-HOUSES.  241 

so  hevery-think"  (he  was  a  Londoner)  "must  be  hall  right." 
A  dread  of  crossing  the  /iocean — how  conquered  we  are 
uninformed — seemed  to  have  hitherto  deterred  him. from, 
emigration.  He  was  sick  during  the  entire  passage, 
and  brought  with  him  upwards  of  seventeen  coats,  under 
the  impression  that  he  should  find  it  difficult  to  supply 
himself  with  attire  in  a  new  country.  His  intended  desti 
nation  appeared  to  be  Iowa,  where  he  had  a  son  and  daugh 
ter,  but  the  heat  and  musquitoes  (he  wras  bitten  till  his  face 
rambled  something  between  a  cullender  and  a  gravel- 
pi  l) — not  to  mention  a  narrow  escape  from  being  knocked 
down  and  run  over  by  a  fire-engine — had  effected  such  a 
change  in  his  opinion  of  American  institutions  that  he  was 
not  unlikely  to  return.  Pending  the  settlement  of  this 
question,  and  the  recovery  of  his  baggage,  which  had 
been  forwarded  to  Cincinnati  by  some  ingenious  bung 
ling  on  his  own  part,  he  put  up  at  our  Boarding-House. 
Having  known  the  landlady  in  the  old  country,  and,  in 
deed,  abetted  her  exodus  to  the  new,  he  was  on  a  friendly 
footing  in  the  family,  allowed  to  carve  at  table,  and  very 
much  joked  by  the  boarders  on  the  subject  of  a  presumed 
passion  for  the  old  lady. 

Foremost  among  these  jokers,  and  the  moral  antipodes 
of  their  object,  w^as  a  loud-voiced  gentleman  of  five-and- 
thirty,  diurnally  engaged  in  the  wholesale  provisions  trade. 
He,  during  fifteen  years'  experience  of  American  life,  had 
found  nothing  whatever  worthy  of  British  admiration. 
Over  the  breakfast,  or  tea-table  (for,  happily,  he  did  n't 
appear  at  dinner),  he  would,  on  the  slightest  encourage 
ment,  launch  out  into  a  flood  of  deprecation  of  the  "  Be 
nighted  States" — such  being  his  invariable  appellation  for 
the  country  honored  by  his  residence.  Militia  companies, 
the  non-universal  preference  of  beer  as  a  national  drink, 
New  York  firemen,  policemen,  and  newspapers  generally, 

11 


242  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OP 

Target  Excursions,  oysters,*  and  Collins'  steamers,  were 
the  objects  of  his  especial  derision.  On  the  latter  subject 
he  might  be  considered  a  monomaniac.  We  remember 
his  nearly  getting  into  a  fight  with  one  of  the  American 
boarders  in  consequence  of  something  very  like  an  exulta 
tion  about  the  fate  of  the  Arctic.  He  invariably  wore 
straps  to  his  pantaloons,  an  "all-rounder"  collar,  square- 
toed  boots,  and  a  narrow-brimmed  hat.  He  revered  Mrs. 
Trollope,  and  was  a  subscriber  to  the  European,  which 
extraordinary  journalf  may  be  considered  an  attempt^to 
establish  a  permanent  weekly  raw  upon  the  sacred  person 
of  the  American  Eagle.  You  could  always  provoke  his 
liveliest  indignation  by  commending  the  Sun  newspaper. 
As  a  fellow-boarder,  he  was  an  unmitigated  nuisance. 

Not  more  so,  however,  than  another,  a  little,  low  Lon 
doner,  whose  ignoble  face  was  fringed  with  sandy  whis 
kers,  who  considered  the  ne  plus  ultra  of  existence  to  be 
in  connection  with  the  Coal  '  Ole,  Evans\  and  cockney 
casinos,  who  boasted  acquaintance  with  third-rate  London 
actors,  and  was  popularly  supposed  to  obtain  a  subsist 
ence  by  acting  as  "agent"  in  selling  drilling-machines, 
the  patentee  of  which  he  subsequently  swindled  to  a  con 
siderable  extent.  He  had  no  control  over  himself  with 
respect  to  beer  and  bad  puns,  and  would  bore  you,  by  the 
hour,  with  stories  of  'Any  Widdicombe,  and  similar  nota 
bles  with  whom  he  professed  intimacy,  and  had,  probably, 
seen  once  or  twice — from  the  galleries  of  theaters.  When 
possessed  of  money  he  generally  got  drearily  drunk  in 
English  taverns,  and  came  home  very  loud  and  disputa- 

*  It  may  be  worthy  of  remark  that  newly-arrived  Britons  invariably 
denounce  American  oysters,  while  United  States  citizens  declare  that 
English  bivalves  taste  like  bad  half-pence.  Can  there  be  a  difference  of 
construction  in  the  national  palates  ?  Or  is  it  possible  that  loth  nations 
axe  prejudiced? 

f  Now — alas! — defunct 


NEW      YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  243 

tious.  There  were  traditions  afloat  that  a  little  auto 
graphic  mistake — the  substitution  of  another  person's 
name  for  his  own — had  necessitated  his  expatriation  ;  as, 
also,  that  the  one  at  present  assumed  by  him  was  ficti 
tious.  Mrs.  's  mother-in-law  regarded  him  with  a 

degree  of  animosity  only  second  to  that  she  felt  for  the 
"master  of  the  house" — or  Americans  generally.  He 
was  deeply  in  arrears  for  board,  and  had  experienced  ex 
pulsions  from  other  tenements  for  that  reason. 

The  British  lion  found  better  representatives  in  other 
boarders.  One,  a  tall,  manly-looking  Yorkshireman,  blunt 
in  speech,  but  possessing  sterling  sense  and  education, 
was  a  good  type  of  the  class  so  well  portrayed  in  Mrs. 
Gaskell's  North  and  South.  He  had  quitted  Manchester 
life  for  twelve  months  in  Canada,  but  finding  farm  labor 
unsuited  to  him,  sought  New  York,  and  was  now  thriving 
apace  as  a  cotton-broker.  "The  old  country,"  he  said, 
"though  the  comfortablest  in  the  world — if  you  had 
money — was  rather  crowded." 

In  which  opinion  a  youth  of  nineteen,  who  sported  a 
glazed  cap,  a  suit  of  dark,  sailor-like  blue,  and  a  perpetual 
cigar,  coincided.  He  had  just  returned,  via,  California, 
from  Australian  diggings,  where  he  had  sold  revolvers, 
and  engaged  in  riots  against  the  authorities.  At  present 
he  fluctuated  between  two  projects,  going  to  Kansas  or 
joining  Walker.  We  should  n't  be  at  all  surprised  at 
hearing  of  his  heading  &  filibuster  republic  some  day. 

We  have  to  regret  that  the  English  Boarding-House 
afforded  us  but  few  lady-portraits,  and  those  of  no  very 
prominent  characteristics.  A  bashful  young  lady  who 
colored  up  if  you  looked  at  her,  and  was  distressingly  dis 
concerted  when  you  passed  the  salt  at  dinner ;  her  mother, 
whom  we  always  suspected  of  being  the  original  of  Punch's 
"Unprotected  Female" — she  had  such  a  painful  facility 


244  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

of  getting  into  scrapes — these  were  rather  outlines  than 
strongly-defined  individualities.  Yet  one  peculiarity  of 
the  last-mentioned  lady  deserves  chronicling.  She  inva 
riably  asked  every  healthy-looking  individual  whether  he 
did  n't  come  from  the  old  country,  and  recived  negative 
answers  with  evident  surprise  and  incredulity. 

The  rest  of  the  English  boarders  were  only  remarkable 
for  having  arrived  in  this  country  in  a  state  of  extreme 
ignorance  with  respect  to  its  institutions,  manners,  and 
customs.  Some — not  all — knew  as  little  of  the  United 
States  as  a  Polar  Bear  does  of  playing  the  Banjo.  Their 
general  impressions  appeared  to  have  been,  that  each  citi 
zen  of  this  republic  passed  his  time  in  chewing  tobacco 
and  expectorating  while  seated  in  a  rocking-chair,  wore 
short  pantaloons,  thick  boots,  a  straw  hat,  and  a  bowie-knife, 
conversed  in  the  style  of  Haliburton's  Clock-maker,  and 
maintained  a  negro  for  the  purpose  of  daily  flagellation — as 
a  pleasurable  mode  of  excitement.  Which  ideas — though 
rapidly  ignored  by  their  owners — afforded  considerable 
entertainment  to  the  American  portion  of  the  boarders. 

They  agreed  pretty  well,  in  general,  though  sometimes 
a  strong  remark  of  uncomplimentary  nature  towards  Mr. 
Bull  would  lead  to  a  conversational  skirmish,  in  which 
nationality  ran  high  on  either  side.  The  Britons  came 
out  very  strong — as  they  would  have  called  it — when  war 
was  talked  of  in  connection  with  the  Crampton  difficulty ; 
receiving  the  ironical  suggestions  of  the  Americans — about 
getting  naturalized  forthwith,  or  journeying  certain  miles 
into  the  interior — with  great  indignation.  »The  hidea  of 
a  Hinglishman  turning  his  back  on  his  country !  Did  n't 
you  wish  you  might  get  it  ?  Eh  ? 

We  have  alluded  to  the  existence  of  a  solitary  boarder 
appertaining  neither  to  Old  England  or  Young  America. 
This  was  an  Irishman,  and  however  Yankees  or  Britons 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 


245 


might  antagonize,  it  was  at  once  whimsical  and  edifying 
to  remark  how  they  united  in  one  common  sentiment  of 
dislike  to  the  Celt.  There  were  personal  reasons  for  his 
unpopularity.  He  was  an  ugly  man  with  no  perceptible 
eyes,  and  a  face  like  an  imperfectly  shaved  ape.  He 
seldom  washed  himself,  and  smelt  of  horse-medicines, 
in  which  he  dealt.  Every  body  was  at  feud  with  him, 
especially  the  young  Australianized-Briton,  who  extem 
porized  an  imitation  brogue  in  his  presence  ;  and  finally1 
drove  him  from  the  house  by  the  persistent  utterance  of 
the  mysterious  sentence,  "  Smug  him  for  a  Guy  /"  This 
he  repeated  in  measured  accents  when  alone  in  his  victim's 
company.  After  enduring  it  for  some  time — rendered 
the  more  annoying  in  consequence  of  his  utter  ignorance 
as  to  the  meaning* — the  martyred  Celt  left,  previously 
forgetting  to  settle  for  his  board. 

We  had  occasion  to  imitate  the  former  proceeding 
shortly  afterwards. 

*  The  tormentor  subsequently  informed  us  that  the  phrase  was  pla 
giarized  from  the  street  boys  of  London,  who  thus  suggest  the  pro 
priety  of  stealing  (or  smugging],  any  person  of  peculiar  ugliness  on  the 
Fifth  of  November,  as  a  substitute  for  the  effigy  of  that  eminent  prac 
tical  Roman  Catholic,  Guy  Fawkes. 


CHAPTER  XXVII. 


THE   "PENSION   FKAN9AISE." 

rREXCHMElST,    and 

especially  Paris 
ians,  possess  but 
little  of  that  de 
sire  for  domestic 
privacy  charac 
terizing  English 
men  and  Ger 
mans.  They  are 
an  out-o'-doors 
population,  the 
streets,  shops, 
cafes,  theaters,  and  places  of  public  promenade  being 
necessary  component  parts  of  their  existence,  and  home 
only  represented  by  a  furnished  chamber  in  which  to  pass 
the  night.  Bachelor  life  in  the  French  capital  is  almost 
exclusively  of  this  order,  and  any  one  who  has  resided  in 
that  most  attractive  and  mercurial  of  cities  will  at  once 
call  to  mind  how  common  a  spectacle  is  that  of  a  whole 
family — father,  mother,  and  children — dining  at  a  public 
restaurant,  not  once,  but  as  a  general  custom.  We  should 
fancy  it  about  as  well  calculated  to  develope  home-virtues 
and  domestic  felicity  as  our  Boarding-House  and  hotel- 
system — but  that  by  the  way.  Eminently  social  as  the 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  247 

Frenchman  is,  ho  prefers  taking  his  meals  in  places  of 
public  resort,  and  as,  in  Paris,  he  can  get  them  at  every 
possible  scale  of  prices,  generally  does  so.  And  if  this  is 
discontinued  on  his  getting  married,  he  then  aspires 
rather  to  an  Establishment  than  a  home.  Home,  and  the 
love  of  it,  appear  to  be  peculiarly  Saxon  institutions. 

When,  therefore,  a  Frenchman  expatriates  himself— 
which  he  never  does  willingly,  as  he  firmly  believes  with 
that  most  exquisite  of  cockneys,  M.  Beauvallet,  that  there 
is  not,  never  was,  or  will  be,  any  thing  equal  to  Paris — he 
naturally  endeavors  to  resume,  as  nearly  as  circumstances 
will  permit,  his  abnormal  mode  of  life.  But  though  New 
York  has  its  restaurants,  they  do  not  afford  as  many 
courses  at  as  low  a  price  as  those  of  the  Palais  Royal, 
nor  proffer  to  their  guests  the  inclusive  privileges  of  bread 
d  discretion  and  a  bottle  of  vin  ordinaire.  There  are  a 
score  of  places  where  he  can  get  a  perfectly  Parisian  din 
ner — but  at  a  cost  wrhich,  if  he  be  poor,  as  is  commonly 
the  case  (for  he  would  n't  be  in  the  United  States  were  he 
rich),  makes  him  shrug  his  shoulders  and  sacre  with  true 
Gallic  energy.  For  a  very  little  money  goes  a  great  way 
in  Paris,  and  people  retire  from  business  on  a  sum  which 
a  Broadway  store-keeper  would  think  moderate  if  paid 
but  for  one  year's  rent.  Rent  too,  even  for  a  single  room, 
is  an  important  item  in  the  expenses  of  our  Frenchman. 
Like  the  Englishman  spoken  of  in  our  last  Chapter,  he 
finds  that  he  can  board  for  an  extra  dollar  or  so  over  the 
cost  of  his  lodging.  So  he  goes  into  Boarding-House  life 
accordingly. 

Not,  at  first,  into  onr  Pension  Fran$aise.  He  is  pain 
fully  conscious  of  his  ignorance  of  the  language,  and 
desirous  of  acquiring  it,  for  which  purpose  he  has  pro 
cured  a  phrase  book,  a  French  and  English  dictionary  and 
a  copy  of  the  Vicar  of  Wakefield — which  work  appears 


248  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

to  occupy  the  same  position  with  respect  to  neophytes  in 
our  tongue  that  Gil  Bias  and  Telemaque  do  to  beginners 
in  French.  With  the  same  praiseworthy  object  he  be 
comes  an  inmate  of  an  •  American  Boarding-House.  But 
he  does  n't  get  along  very  well.  The  Irish  servants  avail 
themselves  of  his  helplessness  to  neglect  him,  or  to  bring 
him  what  he  does  n't  want,  at  dinner,  the  landlady  is  em 
barrassed  by  his  gesticulations  and  evident  misery,  the 
boarders  aggravate  him  with  broken  English  (thinking 
he'll  take  to  it  more  kindly  when  mis-pronounced),  and 
he's  not  allowed  to  smoke  all  over  the  house  and  in  bed. 
Which  combination  of  inflictions,  finally  drives  him  into 
a  Pension  Franpaise. 

The  particular  one  we  select  as  a  type  of  the  class,  is  in 
a  street  leading  eastwards  from  Broadway,  not  many 
blocks  above  Stewart's  store.  Three  or  four  signs  orna 
ment  its  exterior,  and  an  ever-present  and  powerful  odor 
of  cookery — in  which  garlic  predominates — hovers  about 
the  portal.  Ascending  the  steps  and  pushing  back  the 
unfastened  door,  you  pass  from  the  hall  into  the  front  par 
lor,  where  two  or  three  men  with  hair  cropped  a  la  States 
prison,  the  bushiest  of  beards,  and  the  most  stiffly-waxed 
of  moustaches,  play  dominoes  and  smoke  cigarettes  all 
day  long.  If  you  're  a  stranger  to  the  place,  Madame  or 
her  husband  will  shortly  appear. 

She  is  a  brisk  little  woman  of  forty,  with  a  voluble 
face,  and  a  profusion  of  minute,  barrel-shaped  curls,  pro- 
jecting  on  either  side  of  her  head  from  beneath  a  very 
gauzy  cap  of  original  construction.  Ordinarily,  in  the 
morning,  she  is  loose-waisted,  short-skirted,  and  wears  an 
apron — retaining,  indeed,  the  latter  peculiarity  all  day. 
Educated  .in  France,  though  born  in  Louisiana,  she  has 
traveled  considerably  and  visited  most  European  capitals. 
You  will  find,  on  conversing  with  her,  that  she  under- 


NSW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  249 

stands  three  languages,  and  possesses  a  knowledge  of 
French  literature  sufficient  to  set  up  any  Fifth  Avenue 
belle  as  an  immense  authority.  We  regret  to  add  that 
she  does  n't  like  Americans — making,  however,  an  excep 
tion  in  favor  of  Southerners.  "They,"  says  she,  "are 
,-gentlemen." 

Monsieur  is  a  little,  good-humored  man,  with  a 

thick  moustache,  which  looks  as  if  recently  inked,  the 
hair  being  black  but  unlustrous,  and  inclining  to  gray  at 
the  roots.  He  is  as  polite  and  active  a  man  as  exists  in 
New  York,  we  are  sure.  No  boarder,  though  of  never 

so  ancient  standing,  recollects  rising  before  he,  M. , 

had  made  his  appearance,  and  come  home  at  what  unholy 
hour  you  will,  there  is  M.  — — ,  poring,  by  the  light  of  a 
shaded  lamp,  over  a  great  book,  to  the  pages  of  which, 
from  time  to  time,  he  confided  mysterious  entries.  By 
birth  we  believe  him  to  be  a  Swiss,  by  adoption  an  Amer 
ican,  in  age,  somewhere  about  fifty. 

The  house  is  a  spacious  and  not  very  cleanly  one,  di 
vided  into  many  apartments,  partitions  having  still  further 
economized  its  original  dimensions.  We  should  say  there 
were  about  twenty  rooms,  generally  comprising  their  full 
complement  of  boarders.  Three  quarters  of  these  are 
single  men,  employed  as  working-jewelers,  lithographers, 
engravers  on  metal,  etc.,  crafts  where  some  degree  of 
taste  and  delicacy  of  hand  is  necessary.  At  least  half  of 
their^  number  have  been  influenced  by  political  opinions 
in  seeking  this  country,  and  the  ones  as  yet  unspoken  of 
are  escaped  exiles  from  Cayenne.  . 

To  Americans  and   Englishmen  the  word  banishment 
has  but  an  indefinite  sound,  as  rather  appertaining  to  fie-' 
tion,  or  the  politics  of  other  nations,  than  at  all  likely  to 
be  brought  within  the  range  of  their  own  personal  expe 
rience.     We  know  little  of  the  sad  reality,  and  though  it 

JJ* 


250  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

exists  within  our  midst,  are  not  very  curious  about  it. 
Yet,  however  cosmopolitan  the  world  is  growing,  few 
there  are  who  have  eaten  the  bitter  bread  of  exile  without 
feeling  the  truth  of  Danton's  saying,  that  "  a  man  does 
not  carry  his  country  at  the  sole  of  his  shoe.''  Our 
Frenchmen  have  sorrowful  knowledge  of  this. 

To  be  cut  off  from  all  dear  and  familiar  associations — 
to  find  yourself  a  stranger  and  an  alien  in  a  distant  land — 
to  have  the  acrid  element  of  politics  mingling  in  the 
current  of  your  life,  and  tainting  all  its  pleasanter  influ 
ences — to  rage  impotently  at  the  ban  that  lies  betwixt 
you  and  home — to  know  the  heart-sickness  bred  of  hope 
deferred — this,  and  how  much  more  of  misery  in  slow 
and  wearisome  detail,  is  Exile.  There  need  scarcely  be 
superadded  to  it,  as  is  but  too  frequent — Poverty. 

Our  banished  men  are  of  little  note,  and  we  will  not 
pause  to  inquire  whether  they  fought  at  the  barricades 
against  the  drunken  and  murderous  soldiery  of  Napoleon 
le  Petit,  in  his  bloody  coup  de  etat,  whether  they  simply 
cried  Vive  la  Republique,  or  whether  they  were  but  sus 
pected  of  wishing  success  to  either  fighters  or  criers. 
They  were  condemned  to  Cayenne  for  some,  or  for  no 
cause.  Heroes  like  the  big  or  little  Bonaparte  can  not  be 
expected  to  be  particular  as  to  whose  hearts  and  lives  they 
tread  upon  in  their  strides  to  a  throne — as  the  Reverend 
Abbott  will  tell  us.  But  if  you  want  to  learn  how  French 
men  can  curse,  just  mention  the  name  of  the  present  ruler 
of  their  native  country. 

The  domestic  economy  of  our  Pension  Francaise  is  of 
a  hybrid  character,  partaking  equally  of  American  and 
French  peculiarities.  For  instance,  the  first  meal  of  the 
day  is  decidedly  a  New  York  breakfast,  consisting  of 
steak  and  coffee — rather  than  a  Parisian  dejeuner — which 
would  come  off  three  hours  later,  and  might  comprise 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING- HOUSES.  251 

pretty  nearly  every  thing,  inclusive  of  fowls,  cock's-combs, 
truffles,  cray-fish,  lumps  of  sugar,  salad,  vin  ordinaire,  rum, 
and  radishes.  But  the  diner,  which  is  served  at  0  p.  M. 
(no  public  meal  occurring  in  the  interim),  is  certainly 
French.  It  commences  with  very  greasy  soup,  containj 
courses  of  fish,  flesh,  and  fowl — the  former  in  various  dis 
guises,  and  the  latter  so  bony  of  construction  and  gam- 
bogian  in  hue  as  to  excite  a  suspicion  that  they  must 
have  died  of  starvation  and  yellow-fever  combined — and 
concludes  with  cafe  au  naturel,  and,  occasionally,  brandy. 
(Frenchmen,  by  the  way,  generally  contrive  to  ruin  their 
digestions  quite  as  effectually,  and  almost  as  rapidly,  as 
Americans.) 

These  gastronomic  performances  take  place  in  the  rear 
parlor,  a  spacious  room,  looking  into  an  angular  court-yard, 
and  a  distracting  confusion  of  trees,  sheds  and  buildings. 
Maps  and  lithographic  portraits  ornament  the  walls,  and 
over  the  closed-up  fire-place  are  seven  pictures,  starting, 
as  appears  on  either  side,  from  the  same  level,  and  each 
hopping  centrally  until  the  odd  one  has  triumphantly  sur 
mounted  the  clock,  which  is  large,  and  has  its  internal  ar 
rangements  mysteriously  sunk  in  the  flaccid  room-paper 
ing.  There  is,  too,  a  big  screen,  stuck  ah1  over  with 
caricatures,  scissored  from  le  Charivari,  or  Journal  Pour 
Jlire,  and  some  older  ones  of  Napoleon  the  Third,  before 
his  assumption  of  that  title.  And  wherever  his  evil  face 
and  thick  moustache  appears,  be  sure  a  halo  of  pencilled 
epithets — as  scelerat,  polisson,  monstre,  coquin,  liberticide 
— surrounds  it.  A  sketch  of  the  Count  Goggleowski,  as 
he  appears  on  Broadway — from  the  N.  Y.  Picayune — is 
also  here.  Some  of  the  exiles — especially  one  or  two  of 
Polish  origin — are  particularly  "down  on"  the  Count, 
why,  we  know  not. 

We  suspect  that  Monsieur  and  Madame  share  this  room, 


252  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

nocturnally,  with  a  fat  and  formidable  old  lady,  claiming 
to  be  Monsieur's  mother.  We  further  suspect  a  big  sofa 
—underneath  which  one's  legs  won't  go,  in  consequence 
of  the  space  being  filled  with  beams  and  sacking — of 
affording  her  the  means  of  repose.  She  is — we  say  it 
with  all  respect — an  awful  old  lady.  She  takes  snuff  in 
large  quantities,  is  fearfully  polite,  ravenous  after  victuals, 
and  always  looking  sharp  after  the  boarders'  payments. 
We  incline  to  the  belief  that  both  Monsieur  and  Madame 
sympathize  with  this  feeling,  to  some  extent,  good-humored 
as  they  appear.  French  people,  after  a  certain  age,  often 
become  avaricious.  The  passion  developes  itself,  not  in 
the  American  manner — scheming  and  speculative  daring — 
but  rather  in  parsimony — the  shrewdest,  tightest-griping, 
meanest,  but  most  courteous  close-fistedness. 

Our  old  lady  came  to  the  United  States  twenty  years 
ago,  under  a  wild  idea  of  realizing  an  immense  fortune  by 
means  of  a  certain  invention  (either  blacking,  varnish,  or 
pills),  and  retiring  to  Paris  on  it.  She  has  resented  her 
failure  ever  since,  and  will  "  fix"  you,  as  a  purchaser  of 
the  aforesaid  blacking,  varnish,  or  pills,  on  the  slightest 
encouragement.  She  does  the  marketing,  sells  cigars  and 
liqueurs,  smells  of  onions,  and  is  supposed  to  have  a  great 
deal  of  money  hid  away  somewhere  in  an  old  stocking. 
She  distrusts  all  bank  notes,  and  invariably  converts  them 
into  specie  as  soon  as  possible.  It  is  advisable,  in  case  of 
your  offering  her  that  accommodation,  to  scrutinize  the 
bills  she  gives  you  rather  minutely. 

Of  the  boarders  we  have  not  much  to  say.  They  are, 
with  the  occasional  exceptions  of  the  exiles,  cheerful  fel 
lows,  possessing  that  gaiete  de  coeur  common  to  all  French 
men  when  there 's  nothing  to  depress  them — in  which  case 
they  assume  an  aspect  of  intense  misery  only  conceivable 
in  wet  cats  and  their  countrymen.  All  have  that  surface 


NEW     YOKK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 


253 


politeness  which  the  self-will  of  the  American  and  the 
self-esteem  of  the  Briton  ignore — and  which  has  been  so 
felicitously  compared  by  Punch  to  an  air-cushion,  inasmuch 
as  "  there  's  nothing  in  it,  but  it  eases  jolts  wonderfully." 
Chief  and  j oiliest  among  them  is  a  fat,  cross-eyed  litho 
graphic-printer,  who  smokes  a  short  clay  pipe,  sings 
Beranger's  songs,  and  gets  very  sentimental  on  the  sub 
ject  of  his  mistress  when  he  's  drunk — which  invariably 
occurs  on  the  evening  upon  which  he  receives  his  weekly 
wages.  He  carries  her  portrait  (somewhere  in  the  imme 
diate  vicinity  of  a  red  flannel  shirt),  and  tells  you  how 
the  original  was  desolated  at  parting.  Notwithstanding 
which  he  makes  love  to  every  available  female,  including 
Madame  and  the  Irish  servant-girl.  So  ardent,  indeed, 
have  been  his  addresses  in  the  latter  quarter  that  on  more 
than  one  occasion  the  Celtic  virgin  has  found  it  necessary 


to  shriek  for  assistance.  Upon  which  Madame  calls  him 
un  didble  and  mauvais  sujet,  and  insists  on  his  apologizing, 
which  he  does  volubly  in  his  native  language.  Once,  in 
consequence  of  the  death  of  a  relative,  he  inherited  a 


254  NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 

legacy  of  three  hundred  dollars.  On  fingering  the  money 
he  immediately  abandoned  work  and  went  on  a  fortnight's 
"  bust,"  returning  at  the  expiration  of  that  tune  without 
a  cent,  and  with  delirium  tremens.  And  though  Monsieur 
and  Madame  have  a  sharp  eye  for  the  main  chance,  they 
nursed  him  very  tenderly  until  he  got  well,  subsequently 
tolerating  a  very  irregular  payment  of  arrears. 

Perhaps  it  is  as  well  that  we  should  not  go  into  any 
very  minute  detail  of  the  furnishings  of  the  upper  apart 
ments — or  the  want  of  them.  It  may  be,  as  Madame  can't, 
expect  the  Irish  girl  to  wax  and  polish  her  floors  after  the 
French  fashion,  she  objects  to  the  use  of  soap  and  water 
— which  we  're  somewhat  inclined  to  consider  a  national 
characteristic.  The  degrees  of  comparative  dirtiness  might 
be  thus  stated:  Frenchman,  dirty  •  German,  dirtier /  Irish 
man,  dirtiest.  There's  scarcely  a  European  nation  but 
could  bear  some  improvement  on  the  score  of  clean 
liness. 

With  which  complimentary  remark  we  quit  our  "Pen 
sion 


CHAPTER  XXVIII 


THE    GERMAN 


OUR  German  is  not, 
in  general,  a 
Board  ing  -House 
animal.  He  pre 
fers  renting  a 
single  room  for 
two-fold  reasons  — 
firstly,  from  mo 
tives  of  economy. 
(As  he  can  sub 
sist,  exclusively, 
on  sour-krput,  to 
bacco,  and  lager- 
bier,  he  finds  the 
practice  of  this 
virtue  compara 
tively  easy.)  In 
the  second  place,  he  invariably  plays  upon  some  musical 
instrument  —  usually  a  noisy  one  —  which  practice  land 
ladies  of  Boarding-Houses  ordinarily  object  to.  There 
fore,  if  obliged  to  make  a  contract  for  the  supply  of 
his  daily  necessities,  he  does  it,  as  it  were,  under  protest, 
and  only  temporarily. 

Yet  there   are   German   Boarding-Houses,   and   were 


256  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

many  more  before  the  conversion  of  Castle  Garden  to  its 
present  purpose.  We  select  one  as  a  sample  of  the  class. 
As  few  besides  poor  Germans  board — prosperous  ones 
soon  finding  a  home  of  their  own — it  will,  of  course,  be 
an  humble  Establishment.  By  far  the  greater  proportion 
of  the  needy,  too,  contrive  to  lodge,  singly,  or  in  twos 
and  threes,  with  some  fellow-countryman  Premising, 
then,  that  our  Chapter  claims  to  depict  only  the  lower, 
(though  not  the  lowest  aspect)  of  Teuton  life  in  this  city, 
we  proceed. 

Every  body  knows  Greenwich-street — for  which  excel 
lent  reason  we  shall  not  inflict  a  description  of  it  upon 
the  reader.  It  is  there — as,  where  else  should  it  be — that 
our  German  Gasthaus  is  located.  An  old-fashioned 
building,  the  by-gone  respectability  of  which  is  not  en 
tirely  effaced  by  its  decayed  fortunes  and  the  accumulated 
neglect  and  dirt  of  three  quarters  of  a  century — such 
a  one,  indeed,  as  Diedrich  Knickerbocker  might,  in  his 
school-boy  days,  have  known  as  a  stylish  and  newly- 
erected  mansion.  Its  front  is  now  so  weather-stained 
and  grimy  that  the  original  bright  red  brick-work  is  in 
visible,  its  roof  is  broken  and  leaky,  its  parlor  converted 
into  a  lager-bier  saloon.  Between  the  windows  of  the 
lower  story  are  various  signs  notifying  this  fact  to  the 
German  public,  which  inscriptions,  together  with  long 
lists  of  the  names  of  Western  cities  (our  Gasthaus  has  a 
"forwarding  agency"  for  the  sale  of  railroad  tickets), 
are  all  in  that  medieval  type  which,  in  our  eyes,  renders  a 
German  newspaper  an  anachronism,  and  make  us  feel  co- 
temporaneous  with  Faust  and  Guttemburg.  The  three  or 
four  ricketty  wooden  steps  of  the  stoop  are  generally  oc 
cupied  by  as  many  children — little,  tow-headed,  blue- 
eyed,  coarse-featured  urchins,  as  Teutonic  in  appearance 
as  though  they  had  just  stepped  out  of  the  pages  of  the 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES  257 

Fliegende,  Blatter.  Entering  the  "  saloon,"  you  observe  a 
plain  bar-counter  fitted  up  with  bottles,  etc.,  sundry  bar 
rels  of  lager-bier,  a  cheap  Yankee  clock,  and  some  coarsely- 
executed  lithographs — mostly  on  revolutionary  German 
subjects,  as  the  execution  of  Blum,  barricade  scenes,  and 
the  like.  Near  the  windows  there  will  probably  be  a 
group  or  two  of  short,  and  very  hairy  men,  talking  over 
little  tables  and  lager  in  the  most  guttural  of  accents. 
But  the  landlord  claims  our  attention. 

He  is  a  stout,  middle-sized  man,  with  a  broad,  good- 
looking  face,  light,  curly  hair,  short  beard,  and  shaven 
upper  lip,  always  in  his  shirt-sleeves,  and  seldom  out  of 
temper.  Most  in-comers — for  whom  he  always  has  a 
word  of  greeting  and  a  remark  on  the  subject  of  the 
"vedder,"  address  him  by  the  abbreviation  of  some 
Christian  name — Hans,  Gus,  or  Franz,  as  they  please — he 
answers  to  each  indifferently.  He  is  also  a  member  of  a 
German  militia  company,  and  looks  very  portly  and  mar 
tial  on  parades  and  target  excursions.  Generally,  he  is 
popular  with  his  customers,  in  spite  of  a  sharp  eye  towards 
dollars  and  dimes — and  especially  so  with  the  ladies.  But 
not  more  so  than  his  wife  is  with  the  gentlemen. 

She  is  equally  bulky  in  appearance,  but  dark-haired,  and 
very  talkative — so  much  so  that  conversation  with  her 
rapidly  glides  into  a  monologue,  in  which  you  play  the 
part  of  listener,  and,  if  unfamiliar  with  the  German  ac 
cent,  a  helplessly-confused  one.  Ordinarily  she  dresses  in 
Llack  (perhaps  in  memory  of  two  former  husbands),  with 
large  carpet  slippers;  and  sits  in  her  chair  in  a  rather 
masculine  position.  As  industrious  and  pains-taking  as 
her  husband,  she  is  a  jolly,  hearty  woman,  with  a  propor- 
tionably  large  appetite,  a  laugh  and  joke  for  male  board 
ers,  and  a  ten-widow  power  of  tongue.  Give  it  scope,  she 
will  tell  you  stories  of  German  student  life,  or  repeat 


258  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

whole  poems  of  Schiller,  Goethe,  or  Uhlan d,  with  the 
same  zest  that  she  displays  for  the  sausage  of  her  native 
country;  nor  does  she  appear  conscious  of  incongruity 
while  discussing  both  at  the  same  time. 

Herr and  his  wife  have  been  engaged  in  their  pres 
ent  business  for  upwards  of  fifteen  years,  and  are  sup 
posed  to  have  made  money  enough  to  retire  on  a  farm, 
did  they  so  choose.  But  if  Germans  can  be  content  on 
little,  they  are  tenacious  of  certain  profit — so,  though 
times  are  harder  of  late  years,  our  landlady  and  her  hus 
band  still  keep  a  Gasthaus. 

It  may  accommodate  upwards  of  twenty  boarders,  the 
average  number  being,  probably,  less.  There  are  very 
few  married  couples  among  them,  and  two  thirds  consist 
of  newly  arrived  immigrants,  who  intend  remaining  in  the 
city,  but  will,  on  the  first  eligible  opportunity,  find  private 
lodgings.  Meantime  it  is  our  business  to  photograph 
them. 

Were  one  to  drop  in  at  our  Gasthaus  between  the 
hours  of  12  and  1  p.  M.,  and  to  pass  behind  the  screen 
which  partially  conceals  the  interior  of  the  back-room,  the 
Establishment  would  be  visible  under  its  most  Germanic 
of  aspects.  Dinner  is  then  in  progress.  Two  tables  are 
spread  at  either  side  of  the  room,  at  which  the  boarders 
assemble,  sitting  very  close  together,  for  other  guests 
contract  for  their  mid-day  meal,  and,  sometimes,  chance 
customers  are  present.  The  room  is  full  of  persons,  noise, 
and  culinary  odors  of  the  most  powerful  description. 
Evidently  the  Teutonic  stomach  is  no  squeamish  one,  as 
the  viands  provided  testify.  Huge  dishes  of  baked  pork 
swimming  in  grease,  rank  cow-beef,  half-warm  sour  Jcrout 
(the  nastiest  edible,  we  think,  claiming  that  name),  dishes 
of  prunes  and  dried  apples,  and  soup  apparently  derived 
from  cabbages,  stale  beer,  and  moldy  beans,  constitute 


NEW    YORK     BOAKDING- HOUSES.  259 

the  fare  provided.  And  judging  from  the  rapid  manner 
in  which  every  tiling  disappears  down  the  throats  of  the 
company,  the  meal  is  very  much  to  its  liking. 

The  newly  arrived  immigrants,  fresh — or  rather  stale — 
from  five  weeks'  experience  of  salt-water  and  steerage  life, 
are  the  most  active  of  trenchermen.  Many  of  them  stiil 
wear  the  queerly-fashioned  habiliments  which  served  them 
on  the  voyage,  and  a  more  motly  and  picturesque  group  it 
would  be  difficult  to  imagine.  Long  green-baize  coats, 
with  curious  red  worsted  embroidery  illustrating  their 
capes  and  pockets ;  scanty  coats  of  strange  colors,  and 
fitting  so  tightly  that  you  involuntarily  fancy  their  owners 
have  grown  into  them  and  couldn't  take  them  off  if  they 
tried ;  pantaloons  like  collapsed  balloons,  or  the  skins  of 
mammoth  sausages;  brightly  braided  and  long  peaked 
caps ;  ugly-shaped  and  shapeless  hats ;  shoes  looking  as 
though  the  feet  wearing  them  had  been  dipped  in  ink  and 
permitted  to  dry ;  list  slippers,  leather  slippers,  gorge 
ously-beaded  slippers,  and  compressive,  knobby,  corn-sug 
gesting  boots — all  these  are  here,  and  much  more  than  we 
can  depict  or  describe. 

Among  the  wearers  are  grim,  wiry-haired,  bristly- 
bearded  old  men ;  stumpy,  harsh-speaking  young  ones, 
with  moustaches  so  stiff  and  prickly  in  appearance  that  you 
fancy  they  might  draw  blood  if  heedlessly  touched  ;  wo 
men  who  in  their  youth  could  never  have  looked  pleasant  or 
feminine,  and  who  now  have  faces  as  hard  as  those  drawn 
by  Albert  Durer,  and  as  wrinkled  "  as  a  wet  cloak  ill-laid 
up;"  young  and  buxom  frauleins,  and  unlimited  children. 
These  last  have  to  wait  until  their  seniors'  appetites  are 
satisfied,  which  ordinance  they  submit  to  with  some  impa 
tience,  making  rushes  at  each  chair  as  the  sitter  va 
cates  it. 

Directly  any  individual  has  "got  through"  with  his 


260  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OP 

dinner,  he  commences  smoking,  with  or  without  the  ac 
companiment  of  lager-bier.  (Indeed  the  fragrance  of  the 
herb  Nicotina  is  omnipresent  on  the  premises.)  Pipes  by 
far  out-number  cigars,  and  you  might  venture  a  guess, 
with  a  tolerable  certainty  of  its  proving  correct,  that  the 
smokers  of  the  latter  are  those  who  have  been  longest  in 
this  country.  And  the  concourse  thinning  rapidly,  very 
soon  only  some  few  old  men,  women,  and  children  remain, 
if  in  summer,  to  sun  themselves  at  the  open  windows  of 
the  bar-room,  if  in  winter,  to  draw  closer  to  the  red  hot 
stove. 

At  early  morning  and  evening  the  same  scene,  with 
some  modifications,  is  repeated.  But  the  two  rooms,  both 
front  and  rear,  present  an  especially  lively  spectacle  on 
Saturday  nights,  for  then,  after  supper,  the  boarders  give 
themselves  up  to  unrestrained  enjoyment.  If  there  are  no 
professional  musicians  among  them  (a  very  wild  supposi 
tion,  by-the-by),  in  all  probability  every  man,  woman,  and 
child  performs  on  some  favorite  musical  instrument — so 
there's  no  lack  of  harmony.  Generally,  too,  one  street-organ 
relieves  another,  outside.  Hence  the  amount  of  cotillions, 
waltzes,  polkas,  schottisches,  marches,  gallopes,  mazourkas 
performed,  might  astonish  any  body  but  a  German.  They 
sing,  too,  of  Fatherland,  and  the  Rhine,  of  "Wine,  and 
Beer,  and  Maidens,  and  swill  immeasurable  lager  in  honor 
of  that  quintette  of  agreeable  institutions.  They  exult  in 
remarkable  choruses,  two  favorite  ones  being  that  of  the 
"leathery"  Burschen  ditty  translated  in  Longfellow's 
Hyperion,  and  a  mysterious  refrain  attached  to  a  song 
immortalizing  the  achievements  of  a  certain  Doctor  Eisem- 
bach,  which  appears  to  run  thus  : 

"  Swiddy,  widdy,  wim,  pum,  PUM." 
— each  word  increasing  in  vehemence  upon  repetition. 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  261 

Occasionally,  too,  they  indulge  in  that  harmonic  bacchan- 
alization  known  to  the  initiated  as  a  Salamander — which 
consists,  to  the  best  of  our  recollection,  of  the  following 


performance:  Rising  alternately,  each  individual  elevates 
his  lager,  sings  a  little,  and  drinks  a  little ;  on  repetition 
emptying  his  glass  and  turning  it  upside  down  in  proof  of 
having  done  so.  Upon  which  every  body  thumps  on  the 
table,  stamps  with  his  feet,  drums  with  his  fists,  makes  as 
much  noise  as  is  possible,  and  otherwise  keeps  time, 
laughing  and  shouting  uproariously.  Above  and  around 
all  these  proceedings  a  dense  and  ever-prevailing  fog  of 
tobacco-smoke  hovers,  shrouding  the  company  as  com 
pletely,  as,  on  a  certain  Homeric  occasion,  the  clouds  did 
Jupiter  and  Juno  on  Mount  Ida. 

The  house  closes  regularly  at  12.  We  shall  not  follow 
our  friends  into  their  dormitories,  which  are  uninviting 
enough,  preferring  to  devote  the  remainder  of  our  Chapter 

to  a  few  additional  particulars  of  the  Germans  generally. 
*  *  *  *  '  *  * 

Sunday — in  the  United  States  and  England  the  dullest, 


262 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 


most  stupid,  and  often  the  most  irrationally  passed  day  in 
the  week ;  either  a  stolid  resting-place  from  a  routine  of 
utilitarianism  and  money-getting,  or  an  irksomely-endured 
interval  of  puritanic  privation  from  all  pleasures,  however 
harmless — is  a  great  day  with  the  Germans.  In  summer 
they  invade  Hoboken  and  Staten  Island  in  innumerable  hol 
iday  groups,  or  crowd  the  decks  of  the  little  steamers  that 
ply  on  the  broad  bosom  of  the  beautiful  Hudson,  to  Bull's 
Ferry,  Fort  Lee,  and  the  like  easy  distances.  These  are 
economic  enjoyments,  as  they  mostly  take  their  edibles — 
and  often  drinkables — with  them.  The  only  excesses 
committed  are  in  dancing  and  lager — and,  as  every  body 
knows,  lager  is  a  beverage  that  does  not  intoxicate.  Re 
turning  at  eventide  they  throng  the  musical  taverns,  the 
Volks1  Gartens,  the  Germanic  precincts  of  the  Bowery, 
where  music,  tobacco,  and  lager — necessary  component 
parts  of  Teutonic  existence — are  to  be  had  in  their  full 
perfection. 

Altogether  they  are  a  hard-working,  honest,  good-hu 
mored  solid  race — the  best  raw  material  which  Europe 
sends  hither  to  be  ground  into  American  citizens. 


CHAPTER    XXIX. 


THE   IKISH   IMMIGRANT   BOARDING-HOUSE    (AS    IT    WAS). 


'HE  charge  of  a  per 
verse  conservatism 
of  character  which 
renders  its  posses 
sors  very  slow  in 
doing  away  with 
open  and  acknowl 
edged  evils  is  often 
brought,  and  with 
some  show  of  jus 
tice,  by  Americans, 
against  English 
men.  Yet  if  the 
conduct  of  New 

Yorkers  may  be  taken  as  a  sample  of  national  feeling,  we 
are  equally  liable  to  the  same  reproach.  Abuses  worthy 
of  the  rottenest  despotism  that  ever  produced  barricades 
in  the  streets  of  a  European  city  have  flourished  (and  do 
yet  flourish)  in  gloriously  diabolic  vigor  in  our  metropolis ; 
every  body  knowing  of,  but  few  caring  to  do  aught  but 
contemn  their  existence. 

But  the  legalized  villany  that  grew  rich  by  transform 
ing  the  raw  material  of  self-helpful  labor  that  reached  our 
shores  into  paupers  and  criminals,  has  succumbed — at 


264  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

last.  So  far  we  may  plume  ourselves.  Yet  how  many  in 
habitants  of  Blackwell's  Island,  tenants  of  States  Prisons, 
and  miserable  street-outcasts,  owe  their  degradation  to 
that  most  iniquitous  system  ? 

The  profession  of  Immigrant  Boarding-House  Keeper  is 
not,  however,  entirely  extinct,  though  shorn  of  its  more 
odious  features,  and  every  way  possessing  less  opportuni 
ties  of  preying  upon  the  stranger.  Ignorant  as  Irishmen 
may  be,  they  are  scarcely  blockheads  enough  to  walk  from 
the  admirably-conducted  depot  at  Castle  Garden  to  such 
a  sty  as  we  shall  presently  describe.  Those  who  have 
Western  destinations — the  majority — are  at  once  for 
warded  thither  by  the  most  expeditious  and  economical 
routes.  Those  who,  unwisely,  prefer  remaining  in  New 
York,  generally  find  private  lodgings.  Some  few  improvi 
dent  single  men  may  fall  a  prey  to  the  sharks  whose  ra 
pacity  was  formerly  so  fully  glutted,  but  for  the  most  part 
they  may  be  compared  to  the  ogre-giant  in  Pilgrim** 
Progress,  who  sits  at  his  cave's  mouth  grinning  and  biting 
his  nails  in  impotent  spleen,  because  he  can  not  come  at 
his  former  victims. 

We  have,  therefore,  appended  a  retrospective  qualifica 
tion  to  the  present  Chapter's  title.  Our  book  would  be 
incomplete  without  a  type  of  a  class  of  Boarding-Houses 
formerly  so  numerous.  Without  further  prelude  we  pro 
ceed  to  depict  one. 

A  plain,  brick  edifice,  in  one  of  the  river-side  streets  of 
the  lower  portion  of  the  city ;  its  ground  floor  fitted  up 
as  a  low  groggery,  its  proprietor's  name  (which  is  as  Celtic 
as  his  countenance)  and  calling  displayed  in  attenuated 
yellow  letters  on  a  black  board  over  the  doorway.  On 
pushing  your  way  through  the  crowd  of  immigrants, 
"  runners,"  carmen,  "  dock-loafers,"  and  blackguards  gen 
erally,  which  constantly  overflowed  from  the  bar-room 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  265 

•> 

into  the  street,  you  observed  that  the  place  was  furnished 
with  some  half  dozen  decanters,  thrice  that  number  of 
tumblers,  a  few  cigar-boxes,  pipes,  and  matches,  and  a 
saucer  full  of  "  free"  tobacco — for  the  gratuitous  use  of 
customers.  Two  or  three  barrels  of  the  coarsest  and 
commonest  description  of  spirit  distilled  from  Indian 
corn,  and  colored  to  represent  brandy,  rum,  or  whisky, 
comprised  the  store  of  liquors.  Cheaply-colored  litho 
graphic  portraits  of  Washington,  O'Connell,  the  vitrioli- 
cally-patriotic  Mitchel,  and  President  Pierce,  a  copy  of 
"Emmett's  Speech" — all  of  which  had  apparently  served 
as  a  rendezvous  for  several  generations  of  fiies — a  Con 
necticut  clock,  and  a  chair  or  two,  completed  the  picture. 

The  landlord,  a  thick,  squat,  muscular  fellow — he  had 
risen  to  his  position  from  that  of  "  runner" — possessed  a 
countenance  equally  indicative  of  cunning,  rapacity,  and 
brutality;  its  general  expression  being  the  more  odious 
for  the  mask  of  blather  and  blarney  ordinarily  assumed  by 
its  owner,  when  desirous  of  giving  Nature  the  lie  in  per 
suading  you  that  he  was  a  very  good  fellow.  He  had 
been  an  adopted  citizen  of  the  United  States,  and  his  ten 
ement  a  "  Licensed  Immigrant  Boarding-House"  (paying 
ten  dollars  every  twelve  months  to  the  city  government) 
for  some  years.  Hence  he  was  legally  required,  "  under 
a  penalty  of  $50,  to  cause  to  be  kept  conspicuously 
posted"  in  the  public  rooms  of  his  house,  "in  the  English, 
German,  Dutch,  French,  and  Welsh  languages,  a  list  of 
the  rates  of  prices  charged  for  board  and  lodging" — which 
enactment  he  manifested  as  much  care  in  obeying  as  did 
the  municipal  authorities  in  compelling  him  to  do  so. 

He  was  unmarried,  though  a  plump,  coarse-featured 
young  woman  of  half  his  age  arrogated  the  position  and 
title  of  his  "lady;"  four  or  five  unwashed,  unkempt 

urchins  having  sprung  from  the  connection.  "  Mrs." 

12 


266  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OP 

had  also  two  brothers,  who  officiated  a»  "  runners"  to  the 
Establishment. 

Few  New  Yorkers  require  to  be  told  what  a  "  runner" 
attached  to  our  Immigrant  Boarding-Houses  is  like. 
Their  city  is  unfortunately  prolific  of  the  raw  element  of 
which  such  scoundrels  are  composed.  Big-fisted,  double- 
jointed  "  shoulder-hitters,"  who  pride  themselves  on  trav 
eling  through  life  "  on  their  muscle ;"  demi-savages  of 
civilization,  and  far  more  dangerous  than  the  real,  inas 
much  as  they  possess  greater  scope  for  evil — whether  as 
professed  pugilists,  election  bullies,  recruits  for  fillibuster- 
ism,  or  "runners"  for  Immigrant  Boarding-Houses,  the 
stock  is  identical.  And  as  the  turning  out  of  our  citizens 
in  considerable  numbers,  to  do  honor  to  the  funeral  of  one 
of  the  class  is  yet  within  the  memory  of  the  present  gene 
ration,  it  is  to  be  presumed  we  entertain  a  due  respect 
and  admiration  for  them. 

We  believe  that  those  attached  to  our  Immigrant  Board- 
ing-House  confined  their  operations  to  what  might  be 
termed  the  legitimate  branches  of  their  craft,  as  swindling, 
bullying,  and  despoiling  such  of  their  luckless  countrymen 
as  could  be  decoyed  into  the  place.  (There  are  darker  accu 
sations  against  the  fraternity  which  we  shall  only  allude  to.*) 
Like  most  of  their  tribe,  they  were  eminently  successful. 

Immediately  beneath  the  bar,  and  only  accessible  to 
the  landlord  or  his  agents  (one  of  whom  officiated  as  bar 
tender,  under  the  designation  of  "  steward")  was  "  the 
baggage-room,"  a  small,  damp,  rat-haunted  cellar,  always 
kept  securely  locked — ostensibly  for  the  better  preserva 
tion  of  the  boarder's  property,  in  reality  to  keep  it  from 
him,  in  case  of  default  in  or  demur  against  the  payment 

*  Such  as  catering  for  houses  of  ill-fame,  and  supplying  them  with 
victims  at  so  much  a  head.  German  "  runners"  appear  to  be  peculiarly 
liable  to  this  charge. 


NEW     YORK      BO  AKDING-H  OFSES. 


267 


of  any  sum  the  landlord  might  think  proper  to  extort — 
according  to  law.  And  behind  the  bar,  in  a  dirty,  low- 
roofed  chamber,  used  as  a  parlor,  dining,  and  general  sit 
ting-room,  at  all  hours  of  the  day,  and  nearly  all  hours  of 
the  night,  the  boarders  congregated. 

Old  immigrants  and  young,  babies,  boys,  girls,  men, 
women,  married  couples,  grandfathers  and  grandmothers. 
Paddies  in  the  caped  and  high-^aisted  frieze  coats,  the 
brimless  caubeens,  the  knee-breeches,  woolen  stockings, 
and  rusty  brogues  of  immemorial  tradition.  Paddies  with 
the  "hanging-bone"  gait,  the  forelock  (to  be  pulled  in 
token  of  subjection),  the  low  brow  denoting  the  serf  of 
fifty  descents,  the  shillalagh  and  inevitable  dhudeen.  Pad- 
dyesses  whose  arms  were  only  less  thick  than  their  waists 
or  speech ;  withered  old  women,  who  seemed  to  have 
come  into  the  world  predestinate  street-vendors  of  apples 
and  peanuts;  children  considerably  dirtier  and  much 
less  wholesome-looking  than  the  bad  potatoes  they 
could  n't  get  enough  of  at  home — in  short  every  variety  of 
those  strange  birds  whose  necessities 


or    whose    in 
them  to  wing 


clinations    induce 
their  way  from  the 


268  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

parent  nest  across  the  Atlantic — were  here.  And  perhaps 
it  is  well  for  us  that  they  do  wing  their  way  hither,  as 
"  our  Model  Republic,"  to  quote  the  words  of  one  who 
told  us  many  wholesome  chough  unpalatable  truths, 
"  would  find  it  very  difficult  to  get  along  without  them." 

The  upper  portion  of  our  Immigrant  Boarding-House 
was  divided  into  innumerable  rooms,  or  rather  closets, 
each  one  being  filthy  and  noisome  in  the  extreme,  infested 
with  all  manner  of  vermin,  and  holding  as  many  straw 
mattresses,  ragged  quilts,  and  dirty  blankets  as  sufficed 
for  the  nocturnal  requirements  of  the  boarders — eight  or 
ten  of  whom,  without  regard  to  sex  or  age,  were  crowded 
into  spaces  fit  only  for  one  or  two.  Decency  was,  of 
course,  entirely  out  of  the  question,  the  only  object  being 
to  stow  away  as  many  sleepers  as  possible. 

Thus  lived,  and  sometimes  died,  when  cholera  or  ship 
fever  happened  to  break  out  among  them  (in  which  case 
Potter's  field  obtained  a  few  tenants,  and  the  city  paid 
expenses)  the  inmates  of  the  Immigrant  Boarding-House, 
until,  under  every  variety  of  fraudulent  pretext,  they  had 
been  robbed  of  as  much  money  and  time  as  could  be 
wrung  from  them.  Exorbitant  charges  for  board  and 
cartage,  in  open  defiance  of  municipal  regulations,  pay 
ments  enforced  by  ruffianism,  detention  of  property,  and, 
if  necessary,  perjury — these  were  but  the  commonest  ex 
periences  of  the  poor  Irish  immigrant,  and  too  often  those 
of  the  German  and  Englishman  also.  Finally,  he  was  de 
frauded  of  the  last  few  dollars  in  his  possession  by  a  forged 
railroad  ticket,  which  deposited  him  at  some  three  or  four 
hundred  miles  less  distance  than  he  had  paid  over  fare  for. 
And  there  we  leave  him. 

It  is  known  that  before  the  devotion  of  Castle  Garden 
to  its  present  excellent  purpose,  there  were  upwards  of  a 
thousand  persons  engaged  as  Immigrant  Boarding-House 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 


269 


keepers,  agents,  "  runners,"  etc.  Granting  the  improba 
bility  that  among  these  some  were  honest,  fancy  the 
hordes  of  victims  require^to  sustain  such  a  brood  of 
harpies ! 


CHAPTER  XXX  , 


THE     CHINESE    BOARDING-HOUSE. 

TpEW,  if  any  of  our  readers, 
•*•  whose  daily  peregrinations 
have  not  made  them  familiar 
with  the  slim  figures,  the 
yellow-soap-colored  complex 
ions,  the  pig-eyes  sloping 
angularly  into  the  low,  flat 
foreheads  of  such  inhabitants 
of  the  Flowery  Country  as 
we  have  among  us.  Be 
hind  little  stalls,  or  holding 

trays  containing  bad  cigars  and  cheap  confectionery,  they 
haunt  our  public  places;  or  squat  despondently  under 
some  authorized  covert,  relying  on  charity  as  stimulated 
by  a  printed  or  written  placard,  worn  tabard-wise  on  the 
breast:  .  Few  New  Yorkers,  we  say,  but  have  observed 
them.  Yet  how  many  of  us  have  cast  a  stray  thought  in 
such  direction  as  where  do  they  eat,  drink,  and  sleep  ? 
and  how  are  they  lodged  ?  We  are  as  little  interested  in 
the  matter  as  in  the  internal  affairs  of  China  itself,  and 
know  still  less. 

For  that  Celestial  Empire,  in  spite  of  Hue,  Bayard 
Taylor,  Ida  Pfeiffer,  and  similar  enterprizing  and  intelli 
gent  travelers,  yet  appears  half  fable-land  to  us.  We 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  271 

have  indistinct  impressions  of  a  large  and  densely  popu 
lated  country  of  impracticable  conservatives,  employed  in 
the  culture  of  tea  and  silk;  addicted  to  lanterns,  pagodas, 
opium,  banqueting  on  puppies,  birds'  nests,  and  kittens, 
and  to  infanticide — not  to  mention  the  production  of  dwarf 
trees,  elaborately-carved  and  utterly-useless  articles  in 
ivory,  and  similar  branches  of  idiotic  industry.  We  know 
they  are  partial  to  dragons,  both  in  a  pictorial  and  theo- 
logic  sense  (and  shouldn't  be  surprised  to  learn  that 
that  mythologic  monster  yet  survived  in  the  interior) ; 
that  the  women  have  little  feet,  and  the  men  shave  their 
heads  with  chisels ;  that  they  try  to  frighten  their  ene 
mies,  in  war,  by  making  diabolic  noises  and  painting 
hideous  visages  on  their  shields ;  and  that  they  are  now 
simultaneously  engaged  in  a  murderous  revolution  and  a 
war  with  Great  Britain,  wherein  it  is  to  be  hoped  that 
large  numbers  of  them  will  be  rapidly  improved  off  the 
face  of  the  earth — and  this  is  about  all.  Charles  Lamb's 
immortal  story  of  the  Origin  of  Roast  Pig  might  be  an 
authentic  page  from  Chinese  History  for  any  thing  we 
can  tell. 

So,  too,  we  know  little  of  the  luckless  Celestials  of  New 
York,  unless  a  stray  newspaper  paragraph  have  enlight 
ened  us.  But,  reader,  accept  our  convoy,  and  you  shall 
visit  a  Chinese  Boarding-House — perhaps  two. 

Down  Broadway — for  you,  of  course,  live  up-town — as 
far  as  the  City  Hospital ;  and  then  crossing  to  that  sinuous 
thoroughfare  which  cork-screws  its  way  southward  to 
the  Battery  (and  which  we  always  think  of  in  connection 
with  those  New  Amsterdam  cows  whose  meanderings,  as 
recorded  in  Diedrich  Knickerbocker's  History,  originated 
the  plan  of  the  future  city) — we  proceed  until  in  sight  of 
that  colossal  edifice  comprising  the  largest  publishing  estab 
lishment  in  the  United  States,  if  not  in  the  world.  And 


272  THE     PHYSIOLOGY     OF 

then,  turning  into  a  mean  street,  in  the  center  of  which 
the  mire  and  filth  of  three  months  have  accumulated 
mound-high ;  where  low  groggeries,  Sailors'  Boarding- 
Ilouses,  "  slop-shops,"  and  rag-and-bottle  establishments 
line  either  side  of  the  way ;  we  will  dive  down  a  narrow 
alley  just  wide  enough  to  admit  one  at  a  time,  beside  a 
Dutch  grocery,  in  the  rear  of  which  is  a  low,  timber-built 
tenement.  A  frowzy  Irishwoman  presiding  at  an  adjacent 
apple-stall,  after  the  usual  Celtic  repetition  of  our  ques 
tion,  and  the  look  of  distrust  (intimating  that  she  may 
conceive  it  her  interest  to  deceive  us) — has  assured  us 
that  "  it's  the  Chaynee  Boarding-House" — so  we  will 
enter. 

Up  the  rickety  stairs  then,  being  careful  to  avoid  hat- 
concussion  by  the  way.  The  house  has  but  two  stories, 
and  we  soon  stand  in  front  of  a  low  unpainted  door,  which, 
without  waiting  for  Celestial  permission,  we  open.  Pah  ! 
what  an  atmosphere ! 

A  horrible  odor !  and  of  a  mysteriously  compound 
character,  utterly  unlike  any  thing  which  has  heretofore 
offended  your  nostrils.  The  breath  of  men  rendered  foetid 
and  poisonous  by  the  exclusion  of  ventilation,  the  reek  of 
strange*  cookery,  the  vapid,  bitter  taste  of  opium,  the 
fumes  of  stale  tobacco,  and,  perhaps,  other  unguessable 
abominations,  make  you  gasp  and  sicken,  as  though 
plunged  into  a  plague  pit.  You  have  a  strong  inclination 
to  break  half-a-dozen  panes  of  the  hermetically  closed- 
up  windows — but  repress  it,  take  a  seat  and  cigar,  put  a 
bit  of  tobacco  in  your  mouth — any  thing  to  change  the 
predominant  flavor — and  look  around  you. 

It  is  a  queer  sort  of  apartment,  two  of  its  sides  being 
fitted  up  with  beds  arranged  like  berths  in  the  steerage  of 
an  emigrant  ship,  one  above  the  other,  only  more  roughly 
put  together.  Each  shelf  is  calculated,  apparently,  to 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-IIOUSES.  2*73 

hold  from  one  to  three  persons.  There  are  odd  toys,  fans, 
and  incongruous-looking  articles  you  would  be  puzzled  to 
imagine  the  use  of,  on  the  walls,  and  some  cheap  prints. 
A  Chinaman  is  cooking  something  at  a  stove  in  the  center 
of  the  room — you  wonder  the  fire  don't  go  out  in  such  an 
atmosphere.  Six  or  seven  others  are  present,  and  we'll 
now  take  a  look  at  them. 

Flat-faced,  high-cheek-boned,  squint-eyed,  swarthy-hued, 
stunted,  fragile-looking  mortals,  of  such  hideously,  yet 
pitifully  repulsive  aspect,  that  one  feels  humiliated  in  ad 
mitting  their  claims  to  brotherhood  with  humanity.  Mis 
erably  clad,  too — mostly  in  loose  woolen  frocks,  with  their 
long  plaited  queues  of  coarse  black  hair  gathered  in  a 
circle  on  the  top  of  their  heads.  They  steal  sidelong 
glances  of  impotent  curiosity  at  the  strangers.  One,  how 
ever,  is  attired  in  European  costume  and  speaks  a  little 
English.  To  him  we  address  ourselves. 

He  informs  us  that  upwards  of  fifteen  occupy  that 
apartment,  and  that  he  "  boards"  them  for  $3  per  week, 
renting  the  floor  from  the  keeper  of  the  Dutch  grocery 
below.  That  they  are  very  poor,  and  get  their  livings 
by  peddling  cigars,  working  in  wholesale  tea-warehouses, 
or  mo^^cancy,  with  occasional  employment  about  the 
docks  and  shipping — though  in  the  latter  he  adds,  they 
are  liable  to  be  ill-used  by  the  Irish  or  Germans.  That 
they  came  to  this  country  in  the  capacity  of  ships'  stew 
ards,  cooks,  or  sailors,  their  average  experience  of  it 
dating  from  one  to  four  years.  He  himself  has  been  here 
five,  and  rather  prefers  New  York  to  Canton.  Finally,  he 
wishes  to  know  whether  we  don't  want  men  to  load  or 
unload  a  vessel. 

Responding  with  a  mild  negative  and  extemporizing  a 
pretext  for  our  visit,  we  venture  another  question  or  so. 
Do  they  all  live  in  that  apartment?  He  nods,  and  points 

12* 


274  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

to  the  shelves  and  closets.  It  is  plain  that  they  do, 
it  for  culinary  and  other  purposes.  Are  they  ever  sick  ? 
Oh,  yes — four  of  them  have  died  in  that  room  within  that 
number  of  years,  the  expenses  of  their  funerals  being 
defrayed  by  contributions  among  themselves.  They  kept 
them  during  their  sickness,  too.  Poor  Chinamen ! — What 
sort  of  food  does  he  provide  for  his  boarders  ?  (We  ask 
this  with  a  glance  at  the  culinary  Celestial,  and  a  latent 
suspicion  that  he  might,  on 
his  over-night's  return  home, 
have  kidnapped  some  lady's 
"  sweet  pet"  of  a  lap-dog  with 
the  intention  of  practically  test 
ing  the  j  ustice  of  the  ep 
ithet.)  But  the  answer 
is,  chiefly  rice,  always 

tea,  sometimes  coifee, 

, 
and  never  bread. 

We  express  our  obligations,  and  proceed  to  another 
and  a  delicate  question.  Are  there  any  ladies  among 
them?  Our  informant  don't  or  won't  understand  us.  But 
we  have  noticed  the  door  of  a  closet  at  the  further  end 
of  the  room  partially  open,  and  a  more  than  usu^jr  ugly 
Celestial  countenance  protruded  therefrom.  We  take  a 
step  in  that  direction  under  the  pretense  of  admiring  a 
singular  bird-cage — like  something  between  a  pagoda  and 
a  dog-kennel — the  door  closes  suddenly !  The  Chinamen 
look  as.if  they  considered  their  domestic  arrangements  as 
none  of  our  business,  and  have  evidently  arrived  at  the 
conclusion  that  we  are  rather  ill-bred  persons.  We  men 
tally  acknowledge  that  our  action  has  afforded  them 
grounds  for  the  supposition,  make  our  adieu,  and  depart, 
in  the  full  conviction  that  we  have  looked  upon  a  real 
Celestial  lady. 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING- HOUSES.  275 

It  is  very  bad  liquor  we  shall  get  in  the  Dutch  grocery, 
nor -is  the  atmosphere  particularly  pure — but  any  thing 
after  the  effluvium  above,  is  a  change  for  the  better.  So 
while  sipping  at,  or  spilling  on  the  saw-dusted  floor,  a  half 
glass-full  of  fiery  spirits,  we  endeavor  to  extract  some  in 
formation  from  the  landlord  on  the  subject  of  his  lodgers. 
But  he's  sullen  and  incommunicative,  and  evidently  dis 
posed  to  suspect  the  existence  of  some  covert  object  in 
imical  to  his  interests.  He  don't  know  whether  there 
are  many  Chinamen  lodging  thereabouts.  Has  heard  so. 
Perhaps  there's  a  hundred  or  two  of  'em,  altogether, 
living  m  New  York — he  should  n't  think  there  was  more. 
Some  lives  in  Gold-street.  His  are  decent,  peaceably-dis 
posed  men,  whofcnever  interferes  with  you,  if  you  never 
interferes  with  them;  and  pays  their  rent  regularly.  What 
is  their  rent  ?  Well,  he  don't  see  as  he 's  bound  to  tell 
you.  He  guesses  you  don't  want  to  take  board  there,  do 
you  ?  And  that 's  all  we  got  out  of  him. 

We  will  try  this  bushy-whiskered,  hairy-necked  sailor, 
who,  with  his  low-crowned,  black-japanned  hat  perched  on 
the  very  back  of  his  head,  is  ventilating  himself  at  the 
street  corner,  and  both  gnawing  and  smoking  a  cigar  at 
the  same  time.  Ay !  He  knows.  He 's  seed  the  Jolin- 
nies  goin'  into  that  there  doorway  next  block,  'side  o'  the 

grog  shop  with  the  name  of over  it.  There 's  a 

of  a  lot  on  'em  too.  We  pause  to  inquire  in  the  "  grog 
shop,"  and  the  proprietor,  an  unnaturally  civil-spoken 
Irishman,  volunteers  to  accompany  us  up-stairs. 

Into  a  room  of  much  the  same  aspect  as  the  last,  but 
this  time  looking  into  the  street.  Possessing,  too,  an 
equally  abominable  atmosphere,  and  tenanted  by  at  least 
double  the  number  of  Chinese.  Some,  engaged  over  a 
pack  of  cards,  are  evidently  gambling  (it  is  scarcely 
noon),  others  cooking,  and  four  or  five  eating.  As  bru- 


276 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES. 


talized  in  appearance,  as  miserably-clad  and  sordid-looking 
as  their  recently-visited  countrymen,  there  is  little  to  be 
seen  to  tempt  our  stay.  We  put  a  few  questions  to  an 
atrociously  hideous  little  Chinaman — who  replies  in  a 
fierce,  snapping  manner — and  incontinently  take  our 
leave,  glad  to  breathe  the  air  of  even  that  foul  quarter 

again. 

****** 

The  number  of  Chinese  at  present  in  this  city  has  been 
much  over-rated.  It  can  scarcely  exceed  one  hundred 
and  fifty.  How  they  live  has  been  shown,  and  it  may  be 
worth  more  than  a  passing  thought,  that  here,"  in  our 
midst,  exists  a  class  of  wretched  and  degraded  beings, 
thoroughly  pagan  in  faith,  in  vices,  jp  ignorance  and 
misery. 


CHAPTER  XXXI. 


THE     SAILORS'     BOARDING-HOUSE. 

that  quarter  of  the 
town  containing  the 
two  preceding  Estab 
lishments,  and  within 
five  minutes'  walk  of 
the  latter,  stands  the 
tenement  now  claim 
ing  our  notice.  Like 
the  Irish  Immigrant 
Boarding-House,  its 
exterior  is  that  of  a 
low  tavern,  and  of 
equally  repulsive  as 
pect.  A  fancy  marine 
title  over  the  door, 
and  an  American  flag 
stuck  out  of  an  upper 
window — as  attractions  for  sea-faring  men — indicate  the 
purpose  to  which  it  is  devoted. 

The  landlord  claims  a  Portuguese  origin,  but  his  fleshy, 
aquiline  nose,  protuberant  lips,  and  small  eyes,  are  unmis 
takably  Hebraical — to  say  nothing  of  the  remorseless 
wrinkles  of  his  evil  face.  He  has  made  a  voyage  or  two 
in  some  unknown  capacity,  and  assumes  the  bonhommie 


278  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

of  a  sailor,  denying  his  lineage  with  many  oaths,  if  rallied 
thereon,  and  boasting  that  he  has  eaten  as  much  salt  pork, 
in  his  time,  as  any  of  his  guests.  His  wife  does  not  at 
tempt  to  repudiate  her  "  peoples."  She  is  a  large,  oleagi 
nous,  black-haired,  hook-nosed  woman,  who  invariably 
wears  ear-rings,  and  perfumes 'a  room  with  the  odor  of 
fried  fish.  Their  mutual  offspring — Jews  are  almost  as 
prolific  as  Irish — comprise  something  less  than  a  dozen  of 
dark-eyed,  nasal,  and  turgid-lipped  children,  of  whom  the 
eldest,  a  slim  youth  of  fifteen,  assists  his  father  in  the 
bar-room. 

The  tenement  resembles  the  Immigrant  Boarding-House 
in  internal  arrangements,  and,  like  it,  is  provided  with  a 
strongly-barred  cellar  for  the  storage  and  "  safe-keeping" 
of  lodgers'  baggage.  The  sleeping  chambers  are  equally 
ill-furnished  and  uncleanly.  Only  the  bar-room  and  lower 
floor  present  any  thing  characteristic  or  worthy  of  notice. 
We  will  peep  therein  at  night,  when  the  peculiarities  of 
the  Establishment  are  visible  in  all  their  glory.  We  shall 
assume  that  the  landlord's  jackals  (or  "runners")  have 
succeeded  in  inveigling  a  house-full  of  newly-arrived  sea 
men  into  his  den,  there  to  be  fleeced  at  pleasure. 

It  is  a  long,  low-roofed  apartment,  extending  from  front 
to  rear,  crowded  with  individuals,  and  as  full  of  tobacco- 
smoke  as  any  assemblage  of  JBitrschen  appertaining  to  a 
German  university.  The  chairs  and  benches  surrounding 
it  are  filled  with  sailors  and  females,  the  former  enjoying 
themselves  with  a  zest  which  would  appear  only  to  be 
known  to  them  and  to  school-boys  during  holidays.  They 
hail  from  various  points  of  the  compass :  here  you  may 
listen  to  the  harsh  guttural  of  the  German,  there  see  the 
light  hair,  blue  eyes,  and  rough,  frank,  jovial  look,  char 
acterizing  the  English  tar;  further  on,  note  the  keen, 
ready-witted  physiognomy  of  the  American.  Perhaps 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING- HOUSES.  279 

the  British  are  in  the  majority.  Most  of  them  appear 
cleanly  dressed,  for  "Jack  ashore"  has  a  great  idea  of 
rigging  himself  out  smartly,  and  if  he  have  no  money  to 
receive  at  the  conclusion  of  a  voyage — which  is  some 
times  the  case — he  can  always  "  make  a  raise"  by  means 
of  the  landlord,  that  disinterested  Israelite  advancing  it 
on  the  certainty  of  repayment  out  of  Jack's  next  trip,  a 
month's  wages  of  which  he  knows  he  can  secure  before 
his  departure.  Which  sum,  indeed,  besides  every  dollar 
possessed  by  his  guest  on  debarkation,  he  will  probably 
obtain ;  for  no  Guinea  negro  on  the  Slave-Coast  is  more 
completely  bought  and  sold,  or  less  the  master  of  his  own 
actions,  than  Jack  in  the  hands  of  his  crimping  landlord. 
Such  reflections,  however,  do  not  trouble  our  tars  at  pres 
ent,  as,  clad  in  trim  blue  jackets  and  trousers,  with  black 
tarpaulin  hats  stuck,  d  la  ladies'  bonnets,  at  the  very  back 
of  their  heads,  they  abandon  themselves  to  the  pleasures 
of  the  hour.  All  are  smoking,  many  laughing,  and  not  a 
few  telling  yarns  of  an  extent  and  nature  demanding  in 
the  listener  the  gullibility  of  Marryat's  Pacha.  And  more 
than  one  "  old  salt"  has  been  doubling  the  Horn  with  such 
hearty  good-will  as  to  be  "  half  seas  over." 

At  one  end  of  the  room  two  fiddlers  are  uniting  in  the 
production  of  harmonic  discord  sufficient  to  drive  Ole 
Bull  frantic.  A  third  has  succumbed,  either  to  profes 
sional  enthusiasm  or  to -the  amount  of  liquor  injudiciously 
bestowed  upon  him  by  his  admiring  audience,  and  now 
lies  in  a  corner,  his  countenance  decorated  after  the  style 
of  a  New  Zealand  chief  by  an  artistic  performance  in 
burnt  cork.  His  two  friends  have,  also,  sympathizingly 
relieved  him  of  a  pocket  full  of  copper  coin ;  it  being  the 
custom  at  the  conclusion  of  each  dance  to  bestow  volun 
tary  contributions  on  the  orchestra. 

To  this  accompaniment  half  a  dozen  persons  of  either 


280 


THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OP 


sex  are  dancing.  The  figure,  an  abnormal  one,  is  kept  up 
with  energy  worthy  of  the  Fifth  Avenue,  when  in  full 
performance  of  the  German.  Stamping,  capering,  jig 
ging  to  and  fro,  hands  across  and  down  the  middle — such 
is  the  order  of  the  night — till  the  sanded  floor  vibrates 
again,  and  the  glasses  on  the  table  tinkle  with  sympa 
thetic  excitement.  The  male  dancers  are  all  sailors,  their 
partners  being  coarse,  fat,  vulgar-looking  young  women, 


whose  bloated  features  indicate  confirmed  habits  of  drunk 
enness.  They  have  very  hoarse  voices,  wear  necklaces 
and  large  brass  ear-rings,  call  each  other  sisters,  and 
affect  bright  red  or  yellow  dresses.  Three  of  them  re 
side  constantly  in  the  house,  and  are  important  adjuncts 
to  the  landlord  in  the  one  great  object — pillaging  his 
guests. 

A  seaman's  life  ashore,  unless  he  have  sense  and  thrift 
enough  to   seek  one  of  the  well-managed  and  orderly 


NEW     YOKK     BOAKDING- HOUSES.  281 

houses  especially  instituted  for  his  benefit,  is  invariably 
characterized  by  reckless  extravagance  and  dissipation. 
As  a  natural  sequence,  he  is  victimized  every  way — even 
more  atrociously  than  the  Immigrant  was.  Overcharges 
from  the  landlord,  robberies  on  the  part  of  "  the  ladies," 
money  borrowed  at  usury,  watches  or  clothes  pawned  for 
the  means  of  "  spreeing" — these  comprise  the  outlines  of 
a  tar's  experience  among  the  land  sharks.  Finally,  when 
despoiled  of  every  thing,  he  is  made  over  by  the  arch- 
crimp,  his  landlord,  to  the  mate  of  some  vessel  needing 
"hands,"  put  aboard  when  helplessly  drunk,  and  thus 
shipped  off  for  another  voyage.  And  if  he  survive  the 
revolting  barbarities  to  which  he  is  commonly  subject  at 
sea — of  which  let  Liverpool  police-courts  and  our  own 
newspapers  testify — he  only  quits  his  "heU-afloat"  (Jack's 
own  epithet  for  the  majority  of  American  vessels)  to  land 
at  some  foreign  port,  after  the  expiration  of  months  or 
years — there  to  repeat  the  same  experience. 

The  keepers  of  Sailors'  Boarding-Houses  are  not  re 
quired,  by  law,  to  take  out  a  license.  Perhaps  our  legis- 
lators  know  why  they  are  thus  favored.  We  don't. 


CHAPTER    XXXII. 

THE  BOAKDING-HOUSE   WHICH   GIVES   SATISFACTION  TO 
EVERYBODY. 

*  *  *  *  *  *„*  *  *  * 
********* 

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * 

*****  **** 

• 

*  *  *  *  v  ***** 

********* 

*  #  *  *  *  *  -/:  #  *  * 
*                 *                 *                 *                 *                 *                 *                 *                 * 

*  *  *  * 


CHAPTER  XXXIII. 


OP     DIFFERENT     SORTS    OF     BOARDERS. 

T  length,  Reader,  our  Physiology 
draws  towards  its  conclusion. 
Not  that  we  have  exhausted 
the  subject — to  do  that  would 
necessitate  the  devotion  of  a 
particular  chapter  to  every 
Boarding-House  in  the  city  of 
New  York;  for  not  one  of 
them,  as  has  been  already  inti 
mated,  but  possesses  its  own 
peculiarities.  Such  a  task 
might  be  achieved  only  by  a 
Briareus  or  Alexandre  Dumas. 
It  suffices  us  to  have  selected 
types  of  the  more  prominent, 
and,  to  the  best  of  our  judg 
ment,  note-worthy  Establishments. 

Yet  there  are  particulars  remaining  which  should  form 
part  of  our  subject,  though  not  conveniently  admissible, 
or  only  cursorily  alluded  to,  within  the  preceding  pages. 
Our  book  has  necessarily  included  a  considerable  variety 
of  boarder  character,  yet  we  find  some  very  recognizable 
types  of  it  still  unportrayed.  To  remedy  which  we  write 
the  present  Chapter. 


284 


THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 


For  instance,  what  person  familiar  with  New  York 
Boarding-Houses  but  has  encountered,  and  what  propri 
etor  or  proprietress  of  such  Establishments  but  has,  at 
some  time,  been  victimized  by  one  of  that  obnoxious 
tribe  popularly  known  as  Shark  Boarders  ?  We  shall,  in 
a  final  Chapter,  have  occasion  to  speak  of  many  griev 
ances  incidental  to  the  vocation,  but  this — exposure  to 
the  meanest  kind  of  robbery — is  one  to  which  all,  from 
the  landlord  of  the  palace  hotel  on  Broadway  to  the  poor 
old  maid  who  starts  a  "  Hand-to-Mouth"  Establishment 
in  the  hope  of  obtaining  a  meager  subsistence — are  liable, 
and  perhaps  the  direst.  Samples  of  the  genus,  both  male 
and  female,  have  incidentally  illuminated  our  pages,  but 
were  we  to  chronicle  all  the  diversities  of  the  species,  our 
volume  would  suffer  literary  Elephantiasis. 

The  Shark  Boarder  is  of  every  aspect,  and  in  no  wise 
to  be  detected  from  outward 
appearance.  Now  an  indi 
vidual  of  imposing  address, 
dashing  exterior,  and  pre 
sumable  opulence ;  now — 
though  less  frequently — a 
quiet,  unassuming,  and,  osten 
sibly,  respectable  person,  who 
is  always  expecting  to  receive 
money  which  experiences  un 
looked-for  delays  in  reach 
ing  its  destination.  We  have 
known  Sharks  under  the  dis 
guise  of  clergymen,  or  of 
Bostonians ;  we  remember 
one  who  passed  himself  off  as 
a  Shaking  Quaker ;  another  who  went  about  seeking  what 
she  might  devour,  as  the  abbess  of  a  Spanish  nunnery.  Pro- 


NEW     YOKK      BOARDING-HOUSES. 


285 


tens,  the  Bravo  of  Venice,  the  author  of  Junius'  Letters, 
or  any  other  generally  indefinite  personages  that  may  be 
mentioned,  were  nothing  to  them. 

In  many  cases  the  Shark  Boarder  pays  liberally  and 
promptly  on  the  outset,  with  a  view  to  future  credit.  If 
of  the  male  species,  he  generally  endeavors  to  ingratiate 
himself  in  the  good  graces  of  the  landlady.  Weak- 
minded  women — there  are  such,  even  among  mistresses 
of  Boarding-Houses — are  his  especial  prey.  Ladies  such 
as  those  presiding  over  the  Establishments  described  in 
Chapters  the  Fifteenth  and  Seventeenth,  could  scarcely  be 
expected  to  resist  the  fascinations  of  flattery,  dyed  mous- 
tachios,  half  a  yard  of  pendant  watch-chain,  and  a  flashy 
style  of  dress  and  conversation.  This  description  of 
Shark  possesses  his  femalelrcouiiterpart,  who,  were  a  mu 
seum  of  Social  Ichthyology  established,  might  be  labelled 
in  it  as  very  dangerous — especially  to  young  gentlemen 
boarders.  Our- "  Tip-Top"  Establishment  has  afforded  a 
choice  sample  of  the  species,  which  is  uncommonly 
prevalent  in  hotels  and  stylish  Boarding-Houses.  Ordi 
narily,  the  lady  Shark  is  handsome — or  has  good-looking 
daughters. 

A  considerable  number  of  these   pecuniary  vampires 


286  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

exist  in  ISTcw  York,  who  are  "known  NEVER  to  pay  their 
way,  decamping  surreptitiously  when  it  becomes  evident 
that  their  exactions  will  no  longer  be  submitted  to,  or 
impudently  remaining  till  expelled.  Of  course,  they 
are  encumbered  with  very  little  baggage.  We  have  a 
story  of  one  of  the  fraternity  which  may  be  worth  the 
telling. 

There  came  to  a  Private  Boarding-House  a  quietly- 
voracious  young  man  who  affected  extreme  piety,  and 
told  the  landlady,  on  his  arrival,  that  he  was  desirous  of  a 
room  where  he  should  be  undisturbed  in  his  devotions — 
which  ought  to  have  put  her  on  her  guard.  He  professed 
to  have  employment  at  some  Bible  or  Tract  publishing 
institution,  where  it  was  generally  understood  that  the 
"  young  men"  sung  hymns  during  their  dinner  hour,  and 
always  "  asked  a  blessing"  when  they  put  on  a  clean  shirt- 
collar.  The  landlady  formed  a  favorable  opinion  of  her 
new  boarder,  which  only  began  to  decline  on  his  getting 
in  arrears.  This  commenced  at  the  second  week,  and 
continued  till  the  date  of  his  expulsion,  nearly  two  months 
afterwards.  She  could  neither  obtain  payment  or  get 
him  to  quit.  When  dunned,  he  wept  and  invented  excuses, 
telling  her  how  his  pocket  had  been  picked  at  the  Taber 
nacle — how  his  feelings  had  impelled  him  to  give  his 
wages  to  a  missionary  who  "  came  up  in  the  office" — how 
his  grandmother  had  written  from  some  remote  Western 
locality,  stating  that  she  had  been  compelled  by  pecuniary 
distress  to  pawn  her  entire  wardrobe,  with  the  solitary  ex 
ception  of  one  unmentionable  flannel  garment.  Mrs. • 

clung  to  hope  awhile,  tolerating  her  boarder  until  the  ser. 
vants  complained  of  the  pious  youth's  accidentally  finding 
his  way  into  their  rooms  nocturnally.  He  then  received 
a  strong  intimation  that  his  apartment  was  wanted.  Still 
he  wouldn't  go.  He  appeared,  as  usual,  at  meals — when 


NEW     YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  287 

the  landlady  did  n't  like  risking  a  row  before  her  board 
ers — but  having  no  latch-key,  was  accustomed,  at  night,  to 
ring  softly ;  stealing  up-stairs,  on  gaining  admission,  to  bed. 
Finally,  the  other  boarders  took  the  matter  in  hand,  and 
having  locked  and  bolted  the  street-door,  placed  them 
selves  at  an  upper  window  to  await  the  result.  Eleven 
o'clock  came,  and  with  it  a  gentle  application  at  the  bell. 
Looking  out,  they  beheld  an  indistinctly-seen  figure  ap 
parently  engaged  in  an  attempt  to  pick  the  lock — upon 
which  figure  the  contents  of  a  couple  of  ewers  were  im 
mediately  discharged.  But  imagine  the  astonishment  of 
the  party  when,  instead  of  seeing  their  victim  slink  off 
with  the  air  of  a  detected  pick-pocket,  they  observed 
him  clutch  the  bell-handle, 
and  pull  it  with  frantic  vehe 
mence,  again  and  again,  ac 
companying  the  act  with  vig 
orously-bestowed  kicks  on  the 
lower  panels  of  the  door. 
Flesh  and  blood  could  not 
stand  this.  The  boarders  in  a 
body  rushed  doAvn-stairs,  and 
fell,  with  fist  and  foot,  upon 
the  author  of  the  clamor. 
Not  until  he  had  been  severely 
pounded  did  they  discover 

that  it  was — NOT  the  Shark  Boarder,  but  a  highly  estima 
ble  gentleman — quite  the  model  man  of  the  Establish 
ment  !  Yet,  still  worse ;  during  the  melee,  as  subsequently 
appeared,  the  Shark  had  arrived,  and  slipping  in  unob 
served  at  the  open  door,  had  gained  his  room.  He 
left,  however,  very  early  next  morning,  and  for  good, 
taking  with  him  a  pair  of  pants  belonging  to  another 
boarder,  two  coats,  a  watch,  and  a  copy  of  the  Rev.  Mr. 


288  THE     PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

Splurge-on's  sermons — which  lively  volume  had  been  loaned 
to  him  by  the  landlady. 

We  have,  several  times,  during  the  progress  of  our  work, 
had  occasion  to  allude  to  Pet  Boarders.  Who  has  not  some 
knowledge  of  this  species  ?  We  have  yet  to  encounter 
one  Establishment  in  which  Pet  Boarder-ism  does  not,  in 
some  degree,  exist.  It  would  appear  to  be  an  inevitable, 
though  highly  objectionable  appendage  to  the  Institution. 
In  strength  and  potency  it  admits  of  the  greatest  diver 
sity,  from  open,  recognized  despotism,  to  the  mild,  insid 
ious,  covert  authority  which  is  rather  felt  than  seen,  and  only 
detected  by  the  narrowest  scrutiny.  A  comparatively  rare 
case,  such  as  we  have  described  in  Chapter  the  Fifteenth, 
would  be  at  once  observable,  but  not  so  with  others.  You 
may  live  twelve  months  in  a  Boarding-House,  utterly  un 
conscious  of  the  existence  of  a  Pet,  albeit  every  meal  you 
have  partaken  of  during  that  time  has  been  especially  pro 
vided  with  a  view  to  pleasing  his  appetite.  We  say  his, 
never  having  discovered  a  lady  Pet — unless  merely  ad 
mitted  as  a  partaker  in  her  husband's  privileges. 

Some  live  by  it.  Admitted  on  the  express  agreement 
that  they  shall  undertake  what  in  theatrical  parlance  is 
denominated  "general  utility  business" — as  carving  at 
table,  leading  the  small  talk,  and,  so  to  speak,  ingeniously 
blending  the  parts  of  family-man  and  head-waiter — they 
may  be  termed  gastronomic  dead-heads,  and  though  not 
occupying  a  very  dignified  position,  are  otherwise  un 
objectionable.  Some  glide  into  office  from  indolence, 
abetted  by  stress  of  circumstances,  and  are,  finally,  mar 
ried  by  their  landlady.  We  have  heard  stories  of  the 
system  being  so  formally  recognized  that  preliminary 
stipulations  were  entered  into  as  to  what  the  Pet  was  to 
"  eat,  drink,  and  avoid ;"  dishes  of  rarity  and  price  being 
tabooed  to  him,  and  he  expected,  in  no  case,  to  send  his 


NEW     YOKK      BO  Alt  DING  -HOUSES.  289 

]>l;ite  up  twice  for  pie.  But  under  such  controlment  he 
is,  manifestly,  scarcely  entitled  to  his  denomination.  The 
true  Pet  Boarder  is  he  who  pays  and  rules,  openly  or  in 
secret,  over  the  appetites  of  his  fellows.  Mildly  facetious 
gentlemen — not  "  funny"  ones,  for  landladies,  in  common 
with  their  sex,  are  rather  afraid  of  them,  as  they  don't 
know  but  that  they  may  be  induced  to  laugh  at  something 
that 's  not  proper — clergymen,  and  stupid,  respectable,  old 
gentlemen  are  very  apt  to  become  Pet  Boarders.  An  in 
fallible  instance  of  their  position  is  the  appearance  of  some 
exclusive  dainty  in  their  immediate  vicinity  at  table,  of 
which  nothing  is  said  to  the  other  boarders.  If  you  ask 
for  it  and  pass  it  on — as  we  always  did  (on  high  moral 
grounds),  be  sure  that  both  the  Pet  and  landlady  will  hate 
you  intensely.  We  have  an  anecdote  illustrative  of  this 
phase  of  Pet  Boarderism. 

We  were  once  sojourning  in  a  stylish  Establishment 
where  there  was  a  Pet  Boarder — a  faint,  fair  man,  of 
Carkerish  aspect  with  respect  to  teeth.  He  used  to  carve 
at  table,  and  always  took  care  to  reserve  for  himself  the 
daintiest  bits.  We  resolved  to  punish  him  by  plagiarizing 
the  conduct  of  the  sculptor  Chantrey  on  a  similar  occasion, 
and  lay  in  wait  for  a  good* opportunity.  In  due  time  it 
chanced  that  one  small,  special  delicacy  was  placed  before 
him.  He,  very  graciously,  assisted  those  nearest  to  him 
to  the  inferior  parts,  proffering  some  to  us — which  we 
declined,  until,  having  disposed  of  all  but  the  very 
choicest  portion,  he  was  about  to  transfer  that  to  his  own 
plate,  when  we  begged  to  be  allowed  to  change  our 
minds,  and — received  the  plate  from  the  hands  of  the 
waiter.  The  Pet's  face  was  awful  to  contemplate.  He 
had  the  additional  satisfaction  of  seeing  us  send  our 
plate  away  after  disposing  of  a  few  mouthfuls  of  its 
contents. 


290  THE      PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

All  Pets,  when  known  to  be  such,  are  detested  by  their 
fellow-boarders — and  deservedly  so. 

Of  Disagreeable  Boarders  we  have  exhibited  some,  per 
haps  too  many,  samples.  But  besides  those  who  are  ob 
noxious  in  their  own  peculiar  and  private  capacity,  there 
are  numerous  publicly  offensive  ones  who,  like  the  Shark 
and  Pet,  appear  inseparable  from  the  system.  Inevitably 
comic  gentlemen,  for  instance,  who  enjoy  clique  fun  over 
the  dinner-table,  laugh  loudly  at  one  another's  bad  jokes, 
and  talk  indirectly  at  fellow-boarders.  Argumentative  in 
dividuals  who  seize  upon  every  opportunity  for  controver 
sial  fisty-cufFs,  lose  temper,  get  red  in  the  face,  and  shout 
at  one  another.  Politicians  generally.  People  who  pride 
themselves  on  their  dignity,  and  try  to  "look  down" 
those  whom  they  must  meet,  three  times  a  day,  at  the 
same  table.  Vulgar  people  who  rush  into  the  opposite 
course  of  extreme  familiarity  with  every  body.  Husbands 
who  are  absurdly  jealous  of  their  wives,  and  pick  a  quar 
rel  with  you  if  you  pass  a  lady's  plate,  or  tell  her  that  it 's 
a  fine  day.  Old  maids  of  the  kecp-your-distance-and-know- 
your-betters  order, -who  have  preternaturally  good  noses 
for  snuffing  out  moral  taints  in  the  most  innocent  words 
and  actions,  and  are,  constitutionally,  down  on  humanity. 
Solemn  old  foozles  who  think  a  laugh  betokens  want  of 
respect  for  their  dignity,  and  resent  the  mildest  differ 
ence  in  opinion  with  a  heavy  malignancy  of  which  only 
stupid  people  are  capable.  Unmitigated  pious  people  who 
will  have  "grace"  said  before  meals,  who  sit  in  judgment 
on  their  fellow-boarders,  and  look  eternal  sulphur-and- 
pitchforks  at  you  if  you  talk  of  theatres.  In  short,  all 
persons  who  ride  their  hobbies  without  regard  to  the  corns 
of  their  neighbors,  may  be  classed  under  the  head  of  Dis 
agreeable  Boarders.  Lovers  of  scandal  deserve  a  worse 
title,  but  that  is  a  plant  indigenous  to  Boarding-Houses, 


NEW     YOKK      BOARDING-HOUSES.  291 

and  until  the  advent  of  the  Millennium  we  despair  of  seeing 
it  eradicated.  We  believe — as  we  hope — that  the  Insti 
tution  will  be  extinct  first. 

We  have  known  a  few  instances  of  Mysterious  Board 
ers.  One  (heretofore  alluded  to  in  our  pages)  wras  an  old 
lady  who  took  her  meals  in  her  own  room,  having  made  a 
special  contract  to  that  eifect  with  the  proprietress  of  the 
Establishment.  She  never  went  abroad,  but  spent  her  en 
tire  time  in  the  indulgence  of  a  raven-like  predilection  for 
obtaining  surreptitious  glimpses  of  the  boarders,  as  they 
ascended  to,  or  descended  from  their  chambers.  For  this 
purpose  she  lay  in  wait  constantly,  at  all  hours  of  the  day 
arid  night,  generally  keeping  the  door  of  her  apartment 
open  to  the  extent  of  about  two  inches,  and  invariably 
closing  it  with  a  bang  when  you  had  passed — as  if  she  re 
sented  your  existence,  and  took  that  way  of  informing 
you  of  the  fact.  It  was  a  singularly  disconcerting  prac 
tice,  placing  you  in  the  position  of  one  who  took  a  lib 
erty — in  walking  op-stairs.  Its  effects  on  a  newly-ar 
rived  boarder  were  peculiar.  He  became  low-spirited, 
thought  of  his  sins,  and  was  haunted  by  a  lively  apprehen 
sion  of  some  indefinable  retribution  impending  over  him. 
He  passed  the  door  at  midnight  with  a  shuddering  con 
viction  that  a  Spectral  Eye  was  watching  him  through  the 
key-hole.  Finally,  he  waxed  resentful,  bought  a  pair  of 
creaking  boots,  and  when  the  door  opened  softly  behind 
him,  had  to  repress  a  strong  inclination  to  shriek  out,  or 
to  throw  up  one  leg,  or  to  jump  several  feet  into  the  air, 
bringing  his  heels  into  violent  concussion  on  descending, 
or  similar  saltatory  proceedings.  Sometimes  the  Mys 
terious  Boarder  glided  to  the  stair-case,  and  called,  over 
the  bannisters,  in  a  spectral  voice  to  the  servants.  She 
was  peculiarly  restless  just  before  dinner.  Passing  her 
door  at  that  period — especially  if  you  encountered  the 


292  THE      PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

servant  bringing  up  her  dinner,  and  so  got  caught,  as  it 
were,  between  two  fires — was  always  a  nervous  transac 
tion.  It  affected  us  to  that  extent  that-  had  there  been  a 
fire-escape,  or  a  rope-ladder  handy,  we  should  have  pre 
ferred  that  mode  of  descent  to  the  stair-case.  Only  on 
two  occasions  do  we  recollect  the  Mysterious  Boarder's 
quitting  her  own  apartment  for  the  lower  story.  She  re 
mained  invisible  on  the  first.  The  boarders  were  assem 
bled  at  the  breakfast-table,  when  the  door  of  a  small  room 
at  one  end  of  the  apartment  (occupied  by  the  landlady) 
suddenly  opened  to  the  width  of  two  inches,  and,  in  the 
midst  of  a  dead  silence,  a  Voice  demanded  of  the  company, 
generally,  "lias  MY  PAPER  come  yet?"  The  second  in 
stance  was  far  more  appalling,  and  experienced  by  us,  in 
dividually.  We  had  come  down  late  to  breakfast,  and 
were,  subsequently,  luxuriating  over  one  of  "  Byles' " 
exquisite  letters  to  the  Tribune,  in  the  front  parlor — all 
alone — no  person  being  visible  in  either  that  or  the  rear 
room.  When,  happening  to  raise  our  eyes  over  the  top 
of  the  page,  to  our  infinite  horror  and  astonishment  we 
beheld  the  Mysterious  Boarder  glowering  at  us.  She  was 
dressed  in  black,  wore  spectacles,  and  had  a  white  hand 
kerchief  tied  round  her  head,  the  loose  ends  of  which 
projecting  upwards  at  the  top,  gave  her  a  strong  resem 
blance  to  a  large,  horned,  owl.  Solemnly  advancing,  she 
seized  the  Times  and  slowly  retired,  her  spectacles  still 
fixed  remorselessly  upon  us.  Incontinently  we  dashed 
down  the  Tribune  and  fled. 

The  landlady,  when  questioned,  informed  us  that  she — 
the  Mysterious  Boarder — was  an  estimable  person,  and 
possessed  a  fine  mind.  We  did  not  question  the  fact,  but 
should  have  been  glad  to  have  seen  it  direct  its  owner  to 
some  more  cheerful  mode  of  entertainment.  By  the 
boarders,  generally,  she  was  known  by  the  soubriquet 


NEW     YORK      BOAKDING- HOUSES.  293 

of    "Grace    Poole" — after  the   twin    Mystery  in   Jane 
Eyre. 

We  knew  another  Mysterious,  or  rather  Incomprehen 
sible  Boarder.  He  labored  under  two  extraordinary  hal 
lucinations — the  one  that  womankind,  in  general,  adored 
him  and  were  bent  on  persecuting  him  to  the  death  with 
their  addresses — the  other  that  Nature  had  intended  him 
for  a  Cortez,  a  Pizarro,  or  a  Walker.  Now,  as  he  was  by 
no  means  a  handsome  or  intelligent  individual,  being,  in 
deed,  rather  common-place — not  to  say  ignoble — in  ap 
pearance,  the  opinion  he  entertained  of  his  merits  was, 
moderately  speaking,  a  cool  one.  And  when  he  burst  into 
tears  over  the  dinner-table,  while  bewailing  his  unappre 
ciated  talent  for  conquest,  and  demanded,  with  much  ex 
citement,  "  a  hundred  thousand  men,"  that  he  might  carry 
the  Stars  and  Stripes  throughout  the  length  and  breadth 
of  South  America — it  became  very  unpleasant  for  his 
neighbors,  one  of  whom  we  happened  to  be.  Further 
more,  his  faith  in  his  own  powers  of  fascination  induced 
him  to  write  an  excessively  ungrammatical  love-letter — 
wherein  the  personal  pronoun  was  invariably  represented 
by  a  small  i — to  a  handsome  lady-boarder;  and,  subse 
quently,  to  favor  her  with  a  visit  at  her  country-seat.  We 
believe  that  he  was  rather  "hard  up,"  and  that  the  land 
lady  good-naturedly  allowed  him  to  remain  for  six  weeks 
or  so  without  demanding  payment  for  his  board.  She  ex 
perienced  some  difficulty  in  getting  rid  of  him.  He  was 
discovered  in  his  room  on  several  occasions  at  remote  in 
tervals  after  his  nominal  departure,  and,  more  than  once, 
came  down  to  breakfast  as  heretofore.  He  also  contracted 
a  habit  of  calling  on  the  boarders — especially  one — a  cler 
ical  gentleman — and  negotiating  small  loans  in  the  hall — 
incidentally  displaying  a  large  cheese-knife,  which  he  car 
ried  under  his  coat  during  such  transactions.  We  don't 
knov\r  what  became  of  him. 


294  NEW     YORK     BO  ARC  ING- II  0  USES. 

Another,  and  a  still  more  eccentric  instance  shall  con 
clude  our  Chapter — which  is  already  protracted  beyond 
its  legitimate  limits.  There  came,  as  boarder,  to  a  certain 
Establishment,  a  Strange  Gentleman  of  foreign  aspect, 
who  stipulated  for  private  gastronomic  arrangements,  and 
owned  a  large  hairy  dog,  which  he  used  to  beat,  regularly, 
for  a  quarter  of  an  hour  after  each  meal — breakfast,  din 
ner,  and  supper.  This,  he  said,  he  did  for  exercise.  On 
the  second  evening  of  his  domiciliation  he  asked  the  land 
lady's  permission  to  unbolt  a  trap-door  leading  to  the 
roof,  in  order  to  enjoy  the  fresh  air,  which,  the  doctor 
told  him,  was  good  for  his  stomach.  She  according  it,  he 
spent  two  hours  on  the  top  of  the  house,  and  then  began  to 
pull  down  chimney-pots,  and  to  hurl  them  into  the  street. 
Two  policemen  and  some  of  the  male  boarders  subsequently 
secured  him,  just  as  he  was  preparing  to  descend  (attired 
only  in  shirt  and  boots)  the  interior  of  a  chimney,  having 
already  forced  his  dog  to  precede  him !  He  proved  to  be 
a  lunatic,  recently  escaped  from  the  confinement  in  which 
his  friends  had  placed  him. 


CHAPTER  XXXIV. 


RETROSPECTIVE  AND  VALEDICTORY. 


I  HERE  is  an  old  story  of 
a  certain  painter,  who 
having  depicted  a  man 
in  the  act  of  overcom 
ing  a  lion  in  single  com 
bat,  submitted  his  per 
formance  to  one  of  the 
latter  species  for  criti 
cism,  which  was  ac 
corded  in  the  simple 
remark,  that  had  the 
artist  been  a  lion,  the 
relative  positions  of 
the  parties  represented 
might  have  been  differ 
ent.  We  apprehend  a  somewhat  similar  judgment  will  be 
passed  upon  our  volume  by  the  proprietors  and  proprie 
tresses  of  New  York  Boarding-Houses.  If  the  writer, 
they  will  say,  had  experience  of  keeping,  instead  of  board 
ing,  at  our  Establishments,  this  "  Physiology"  would  not 
have  contained  half  so  much  matter  derogatory  to  our 
calling,  and  infinitely  more  at  the  expense  of  our  board 
ers.  Now,  without  wishing  to  disparage  leonine  or  land- 
lordial  censure,  we  have  a  word  or  two  to  say  in  antici- 


VV6  THE      PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

pation  of  such  (inevitable)  objections;  as,  also,  in  con 
clusion. 

In  the  first  place,  we  would  profess  that  our  book  is 
pretty  honestly  written.  If  we  have  described  obnoxious 
landladies,  our  pages  have  included  equally  objectionable 
boarders;  nor  are  we  conscious  of  irividiousness  in  the 
portrayal  of  either.  The  keepers  of  Boarding-Houses  are, 
as  a  class,  neither  better  nor  worse  than  the  majority  of 
persons  who  rely  upon  their  own  exertions  for  a  liveli 
hood.  Charges  of  meanness,  of  selfishness,  of  a  rapacious 
advocacy  of  their  own  rights  and  a  notable  indifference  to 
those  of  others,  may,  as  often,  and  with  as  much  justice, 
be  brought  against  boarders  as  landladies.  We  have 
known  some  of  the  latter  every  way  superior  in  mind, 
morals,  and  manners,  to  those  who  met  at  their  tables, 
and  whose  whims  and  exactions  they — to  a  certain  ex 
tent — were  obliged  to  tolerate,  in  virtue  of  their  position: 
we  have  encountered  others  of  the  meanest,  most  mer 
cenary,  most  offensive  description.  Of  which  our  Physi 
ology  may  testify. 

The  vocation  is  a  singularly  unhappy  and  irksome  one, 
involving  much  risk  and  responsibility,  and  possessing  no 
uncommon  facilities  for  realizing  pecuniary  profit.  If 
Boarding-Houses  had  existed  in  Job's  day,  and  the  Arch- 
Enemy  had  clapped  that  respectable  patriarch  into  one, 
as  landlord,  for  a  month  or  so,  we  have  no  doubt  that 
lie  would  have  adopted  Mrs.  J.'s  advice  and  done  the 
"  cussing"  incontinently.  NOT  are  the  general  relations 
between  a  landlady  and  her  boarders  too  conciliatory. 
Our  readers  will  scarcely  have  failed  to  remark,  in  their 
own  experience,  as  in  our  volume,  the  spirit  of  antagonism 
commonly  prevalent.  Very  frequently  boarders  and  land 
ladies  get  to  regard  each  other  as  natural  enemies.  The 
fault,  we  take  it,  lies — as  faults  usually  do — equally  on 


NEW    YORK     BOARDING-HOUSES.  297 

cither  side.  In  boarding,  as  in  other  matters,  we  are — all 
of  us — prone  to  think  rather  of  what  is  due  to  than  from 
us ;  hence  boarders  become  aggressively  selfish,  and  land 
ladies — discovering  how  little  sympathy  or  consideration  is 
felt  for  them — passively  so.  In  most  cases  the  former  are 
more  unthinkingly  than  intentionally  unjust;  albeit  we 
have,  certainly,  observed  some  instances  of  exaction  on 
the  part  of  boarders  thoroughly  ShylocJcian  in  their  in 
fernal  selfishness.  We  knew  a  "  lady"  to  originate  a  row 
in  a  Boarding-House  in  consequence  of  a  temporary  clclay 
in  lighting  her  fire,  when  the  mother  of  the  proprietress 
lay  dying !  Our  general  experience  would  indicate  that 
the  gentler  sex  are  less  considerate  towards  one  another 
than  male  boarders.  We  never  yet  encountered  a  lady 
who  professed  herself  satisfied  with  her  Boarding-House. 
Men  may  be  hasty,  but  hardly  so  exacting.  If  the  reader 
doubt  this  assertion,  we  emphatically  refer  him  to  the 
proprietress  of  any  Boarding-House  with  whom  he  may 
be  acquainted. 

Landladies  are,  from  the  nature  of  their  position,  in 
evitably  cognizant  of  most  of  the  little  meannesses,  jeal 
ousies,  and  faults  of  their  boarders — for  in  no  place  does 
an  individual  exhibit  himself  more  completely  in  his  true 
colors  than  in  a  Boarding-House.  It  has  just  enough  of 
the  freedom  of  home  to  induce  a  conviction  that  one  may 
act  as  he  pleases,  but  none  of  its  restraining  sanctity  and 
responsibilities.  (We  have  witnessed  a  stormy  altercation 
over  a  breakfast-table  in  consequence  of-  a  boarder's  dis 
appointment  in  not.  getting  a  penny  roll.)  Unless  of  un 
usually  secretive  disposition,  you  can't  live  for  any  length 
of  time  in  one  of  these  Establishments  without  having  all 
your  failings  "  reckoned  up"  sans  mitigation.  And  never 
flatter  yourself  with  the  idea  that  they  are  not  talked 
about  by  your  fellow-boarders.  You  might  as  well  sup- 


298  TTIE      PHYSIOLOGY      OF 

pose  that  what  you  say  of  them  will  not  be  carried  to 
their  ears.  That  unluckily-constructed  Sicilian  confessional 
which  repeated  penitents'  whispers  in  a  place  of  public 
resort  was  not  better  adapted  to  the  diffusion  of  mischiev 
ous  information  than  are  Boarding-Houses.  The  evil  is 
inherent,  inevitable. 

We  have  often  thought  that  the  most  appropriate  simile 
we  could  hit  upon  for  a  Boarding-House  is  afforded  by 
what  showmen  denominate  "  a  Happy  Family ;"  where  a 
numtter  of  animals  of  incongruous,  antagonistic,  and  con 
flicting  natures,  are  confined  in  a  single  cage — it  being 
gratuitously  assumed  that  they  have  conquered  their  in 
stinctive  aversions  to  each  other's  society.  And,  to  be 
sure,  they  stand  on  their  good  behavior  when  in  public. 
But  who  shall  speak  of  the  desire  the  dog  must  possess 
to  strangle  the  cat ;  the  inclination  the  owl  must  have  to 
lunch  off  the  mice ;  the  intense  longing  existing  in  the 
sable  bosom  of  the  raven  for  the  gratification  of  taking- 
out  one  of  the  guinea-pig's  eyes.  Let  Dickens's  Raven — 
from  whom  we  borrow  the  last  illustration — reply.  As  with 
the  "  Happy  Family"  so  with  the  inmates  of  a  Boarding- 
House.  In  an  indiscriminately-got-together  community, 
where,  like  our  national  democracy  "one  person's  as  good 
as  another,  and  a  good  deal  better" — it  is  in  the  nature  of 
things  for  people  to  conflict — and  conflict  they  do,  accord 
ingly. 

There  is  only  OXE  way  of  avoiding  Boarding-Houso 
squabbles — a  strictly-acted-upon  system  of  Non-Inter 
course  with  fellow-boarders.  In  which  case  you'll  only 
be  considered  "  stuck-up,"  and  detested,  in  consequence. 
Which  is,  comparatively,  easy  of  endurance  when  con 
trasted  with  other  risks. 

We  are  inclined  to  believe  that  ill-bred  persons  fare 
best  in  Boarding-Houses.  Just  as,  were  a  lady  of  educa- 


N  E  AY    Y  O  II  K      B  O  A  It  D  I  N  G  -  II  O  U  S  E  S .  299 

tion  and  refinement  and  a  Zooloo-Kaffir  to  sit  down  at 
one  common  ordinary,  in  all  probability  the  latter  would 
come  off  best  in  the  eating  department.  Exacting  people 
are  hated — but  they  get  what  they  want,  and,  generally, 
have  their  own  way. 

Our  objections  to  the  Institution  of  Boarding  may  be 
all  summed  up  in  one  sentence.  That,  as  our  virtues  are 
much  more  dependent  on  our  surroundings  than  we  are 
willing  to  admit,  when  the  check  of  home  is  removed  (and 
a  Boarding-House  is,  emphatically,  NOT  a  home)  all  sorts 
of  evils  are  liable  to  rush  in.  The  good  that  exists  in  these 
Establishments  does  so  in  spite  of  the  system,  which  is  in 
herently  mischievous.  But  it  were  useless  to  rail  against 
them.  We  have  to  accept  the  Institution  as  we  do  our 
existence — and  make  the  best  of  both.  It  is  part  of  our 
anomalous  social  state,  and  so  long  as  it  is  next  to  an  im 
possibility  for  those  who  desire  to  live  at  once  privately, 
decently,  and  economically,  to  find  a  suitable  dwelling  in 
this  city — so  long  as  there 's  scarcely  any  medium  between 
mansions  far  beyond  the  reach  of  men  of  moderate  in 
comes  and  miserable  tenement  houses — so  long  as  a  large 
proportion  of  our  citizens  entertain  the  idea  that  an  in 
ordinately  extravagant  style  of  house-keeping  is  abso 
lutely  necessary  to  secure  position ;  and  that  attempting 
comfort  in  an  humbler  sphere  is  rather  contemptible  than 
otherwise — so  long  as  young  men  can't  afford  to  get 
married,  and  young  ladies  object  to  the  "trouble"  of 
household  ministry — in  short,  so  long  as  New  York  as 
pires  to  become  a  Brummagem  Paris  (and  does  it  very 
clumsily),  Boarding-Houses  will,  undoubtedly,  continue  to 
exist.  Of  their  general  effects  on  individual  and  metro 
politan  character  we  have  no  doubt.  Charles  Dickens 
half  charged  Americans  with  "an  inaptitude  for  social 
pleasures."  Granting  that  there  may  be  some  grounds 


300 


NEW    YORK      BOARDING-HOUSES. 


for  the  accusation,  has  not  this  universal  barrack  system, 
something  to  do  with  its  existence  ? 

Reader,  our  task  is  done.    Hoping  that  we  part  friends, 
with  all  good-will  we  bid  you  FAREWELL. 


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